EndOfRoadWife

Thanks Ann! I do usually go on the Al-Anon forum...I do like seeing "both sides" and the informaton on here (from both sides) is very helpful.....Thanks again

Don W

Hi MrEndofThe Road, welcome to the boards. As I'm sure you've read many of us can identify with the family problem. I say family because in my case my entire family was and is affected by my alcoholism. I can't predict your future but, it is up to you to decide iff you want my past to become your future. It isn't easy but, you have made the hardest
point , and that is to at least admit there may be a problem. In my first marrage I drank and destroyed our family. I just started having contact with one of my sons 3 years ago after 15 years. My older son that lived through most of it, hates me. Changed his name to his step fathers. He has 2 children.
I may not ever know my 2 grand-
children. Worst of all, after 5 years sober I started drinking. I started going through my 2nd family. I almost destroyed it. If you are like myself, you hate the person and things booze produces. I drank even when I didn't want to. I had to, and I also didn't know why. I'd ask myself all the way to the bar, Why are you doing this. I felt like two people. The person that everyone at the bar thought was a great guy, and the person in my mind that I knew
was a jerk. I am telling you, there isn't anything you have done that would shock us. Your family deservesore but, most of all you deserve more. First of all get to AA or some kind of program. The thing that helped me is a program. I don't know if you are a veteran but, the VA helped me alot. I needed a 30 day program to get me going. These are just suggestions. Everyone is different. I suggest you contact your doctor and explain just like you did to us. Your doctor will know the programs in your area. You can try but, you don't have to do it alone. Also, sounds like you have a family that will support you. Don't wait, save what you have left. The biggest thing that helped me this time around was the willingness to change. Just don't give up. Even if you drink, start again with recovery. There is a wonderful life waiting for you to share
without booze. Don W

Patsyd1

Hi MrEndoftheRoad,

The million dollar question huh? Ok, well this is a simple one in reality. Let me share with you what happened to me.

I would wake up in the morning after a night of drinking, and feel such guilt, such remorse, I hateddddddd myself. I would feel horrible and always have that question running in my mind "why did I do that again?" I must be crazy, this is not what I had planned to do last night, how did I get here again? What do I say now? How do I fix this one? I am the worst person in the world, I must be insane. I would feel sick to my stomach, and so full of guilt at the prospect of seeing my family. I would promise that I wouldn't drink ever again....and I meant it. I would promise anything to remove the disgust on my families face and to ease the guilt and remorse that I felt. At the end of my drinking, I knew something was wrong with me and my drinking.....because I honestly meant those promises and I was unable to keep my word even to myself.

During the last 5 years of my drinking, and I drank for about 17 years......I would get up and before my feet hit the floor....the obsession would begin. (An obsession of the mind, is a thought that overcomes all other thoughts).....
Where can I get my booze today? Will I be able to drink without them knowing? I will just have one. It wasn't that bad. I will go to the bar and just drink a few. Whats wrong with a few drinks....NOTHING!!! After last night, I will know better this time.... I will just have one ....or maybe two at the most.

This obsession of the mind was haunting. I would begin to feel anxious, irritable and discontent.....and the obsession would mount. A few hours later I would be feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. My mind would be racing with the thoughts of how to get a drink. I would be snapping at anyone who came near me. Who do they think they are anyways.... I deserve to have a few drinks.........screw them!!!!...... and I was off again living in the insanity.

As soon as I would put one drink into my body, I felt the instant ease on the inside, the obsession stopped, I had what I NEEDED....A DRINK. What I wasn't aware of was the "compulsion" part of this disease ( A complusion to drink... once I put one drink into my body, it set up a chain reaction for MORE,

I would "think"... "I am only going to have this one and then go home".... that one drink would turn into drunk, sick and out of control.

Then there is the Spiritual part of this disease (A spiritual loss of values... no matter what the next right thing was to do, I would make excuses to move my own value system so that I could continue to do what I wanted to do...DRINK)
I had lost the ability to NOT drink....I was absolutely powerless to choose NOT to pick up that first drink....... no matter what, how or who, that drink came before everyone and everything in my life.

You shared that you never used to drink as many as you do now. Well this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.... and its progressive and if left untreated.....its fatal.
Over time and not so much time either.... I noticed that I was drinking MORE AND MORE...... and making more and more excuses to drink...... until my own vaule system was unrecognizable even by ME.
Alcohol was calling all the shots in my life. It told me where I was going, who I would be with, what I would be doing, and when or if I would come home. I began to feel INSANE.... I AM CRAZY.....

And then I would get up in the morning, feeling full of guilt, remorseful and promising never to drink again........... AND THEN I WOULD DO THE SAME THING ALL OVER AGAIN.... I would drink until I was drunk, sick, and out of control.

Alcoholism...... I had a million excuses why I drank. But only one valid reason........ I AM AN ALCOHOLIC.... period.

Can you predict with any certainty, what will happen to you after you pick up the first drink? NO?
Good..... because we all have a moment of clarity.... where we can no longer lie to ourselves. That moment of clarity may only last for few seconds...... but its there, and we KNOW the truth.

The truth is this:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanagable"

MrEndoftheRoad..... if you are serious about wanting to stop drinking.......if you have the desire to stay sober one day at a time.......... then sitting there and asking yourself the million dollar question WILL NOT help you to stay sober for this one day.

I would suggest that YOU take ACTION...... by going to your phone book, and looking up "Alcoholics Anonymous" and then call that number. Tell them what you have said here at this site. They can give you the nearest address of an AA meeting that you can go to.....TODAY.

Then get to the AA meeting, sit and listen..... identify and do not compare. Tell someone you are new and ask them for help. There is a solution MrEndoftheRoad........ its a solution that works....... if we work it.

MrEndoftheRoad....I have tried to share with you, to the best of my ability as a recovering alcoholic..... what happened to this drunk and how I got here. Today I have a life second to none, without alcohol,drugs or a subtitute.... I am so grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous.... there at the meetings I found people just like me, they knew me....before I knew myself

Now.... I have one question for you MrEndoftheRoad.

WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO ABOUT IT?

See THATS the real million dollar question MrEndoftheRoad..... because we can sit and come up with 75 million excuses to continue to do what we have always done, and we will continue to get what we have always gotten. OR.... we can take action.

If you have the desire to stay sober........ then I suggest calling "Alcoholics Anonymous"...the number is in the phone book.

If you do not have the desire to stay sober.... then I can promise you this, you will continue to do the same things over and over and over again....expecting different results.......because that is alcoholism....and that is the definition of INSANITY.....
There are only three places that this disease will take us without help ..... 1. jail,... 2. institution or... 3. death.

This is a disease..... a cunning, baffling, powerful and insidious disease. This disease centers in the mind...... and without help, it will take us all the way in one direction only, DOWN.... this disease takes, and takes and takes.... this disease isn't called "The Great Remover"...for nothing.
Whether we hit bottom and ask for help...... or we can go to our grave. The choice is always ours.

Again.... I would suggest that you open the phone book and call......"Alcoholics Anonymous"....... they have a solution, but you have to be where the solution is......at AA meetings.

Its one alcoholic helping another...to stay sober for this one day,

Patsy

EndOfRoadWife

Thanks for the advice guys... I can tell you that the things that you say hit home more than you believe. I can definitely have 1 and go home..... I dontthink I EVER did that. EVERYONE in the bar thought I was the best... the funniest... the one who was having the most fun, but it was killing me inside what I was doing to my wife & 2 little girls (by the way ... who USED to look up to me like nobodys business ) My one little girl made a birthday card for her mom the other day and she drew a picture (always does-- God bless her heart)... and the only thing that stood out ------ THERE WAS ONLY A MOMMY AND 2 LITTLE GIRLS DRAWN ON THE INSIDE--- NO DADDY!.. never happened before---- sort of makes you think, huh? I used to be the envy of all dads out there (not to be conceided)..what I used to do what I used to be for my family(note the use of USED).. now I am so disapointed in myself that it is hard to do all of those things again.... why?

I love my little girls--- I always will...

I love my wife more than wordscan explain.... she is beautiful, caring, loving, respectful, thoughtful person that I think I ever met.. (she has to --- she is with me) I can tell you that there are some days that I look at her when she is sleeping and I get goosebumps... I just stare at her and think... why do I make her cry? Why do I do this? What is wrong with em working until 9 or 10 and then go grab a beer with the buddies instead of driving 1 1/2 hours home? (excuse1)... So what if I play cards once in a while? (excuse2)... What? Why? Who cares if? --- I have a million of 'em..... She cares .. my girls care.. that should be the most important .... and I WILL MAKE IT THAT WAY AGAIN!!

EndOfRoadWife

Thanks for the advice guys... I can tell you that the things that you say hit home more than you believe. I can definitely have 1 and go home..... I dontthink I EVER did that. EVERYONE in the bar thought I was the best... the funniest... the one who was having the most fun, but it was killing me inside what I was doing to my wife & 2 little girls (by the way ... who USED to look up to me like nobodys business ) My one little girl made a birthday card for her mom the other day and she drew a picture (always does-- God bless her heart)... and the only thing that stood out ------ THERE WAS ONLY A MOMMY AND 2 LITTLE GIRLS DRAWN ON THE INSIDE--- NO DADDY!.. never happened before---- sort of makes you think, huh? I used to be the envy of all dads out there (not to be conceided)..what I used to do what I used to be for my family(note the use of USED).. now I am so disapointed in myself that it is hard to do all of those things again.... why?

I love my little girls--- I always will...

I love my wife more than wordscan explain.... she is beautiful, caring, loving, respectful, thoughtful person that I think I ever met.. (she has to --- she is with me) I can tell you that there are some days that I look at her when she is sleeping and I get goosebumps... I just stare at her and think... why do I make her cry? Why do I do this? What is wrong with em working until 9 or 10 and then go grab a beer with the buddies instead of driving 1 1/2 hours home? (excuse1)... So what if I play cards once in a while? (excuse2)... What? Why? Who cares if? --- I have a million of 'em..... She cares .. my girls care.. that should be the most important .... and I WILL MAKE IT THAT WAY AGAIN!!

EndOfRoadWife

sorry about that last thread guys... the is the mr. I worked from home 2day & I must of loggined in incorretly.

Sorry. I hope you all had a grate day!!!!

Don W

Hi, When you spoke of the card you brought back a memory. When, one of my sons drew a family picture Daddy always had a beer can in his hand. He was only 6 at the time. I felt so bad I made a vow to stop. Sadly, even that didn't make me stop. You are doing well. As you can see, communication is a key part of recovery. Keep posting Don W

Patsyd1

Hi MrEndoftheRoad,

Words.... are just that.... words.
ACTIONS speak a whole lot louder then words do MrEndoftheRoad.

I couldn't help but notice that you went on and on about your wife and daughters, while you avoided answering the question that I asked you.

So..... here is the million dollar question again MrEndoftheRoad...

What are YOU willing to do about it?



Are you willing to go to an AA meetings?
Are you willing to pick up the phone and make the call to
Alcoholics Anonymous?


I heard someone ask once "How can you tell if an alcoholic is lying?"....... the answer was: "If they are moving their lips.... they are lying."
Yup, that was me when I was trying to schmooze so I could booze.

Yours in Recovery,
Patsy

Don W

MrEndofThe Road, I can support you but, I agree with Patsey. I am a big fan of Walt Disney. He had many great quotes. Two of which I applied to my recovery and I suggest you do the same. They are
" The longest journey begins with the first step" and " It's time to stop saying and start doing".
"JUMP IN THE RECOVERY IS GREAT"

Music

Hi all,
This is great! I was on my way to a meeting last night and thought about MrEORW's post and started to laugh. How many times did I say those same words while I kissing my wife's ass to get back into her good graces?
Patsy, you're something! If I hadn't been in my car I'd have said the same thing. Talk's cheap MrEORW. Now it's time to sh** or get off the pot. Put some action behind those nice words.
To MrsEORW, please keep in touch and let us know how this guy's doing. If he's lieing this time, I'd throw him in front of the bus.....

Patsyd1

(((((((((((Music))))))))))))) Yup, its hard to BS a BSer...thats for sure. lol
We have been there and done that

Hi ((((((((((EndOfRoadWife))))))))))))))

I would suggest that you get to Alanon meetings pronto. Because the truth is that there is nothing that you can do to get HIM sober, and there is nothing you can do to make HIM drink. First its not your job, and second....you are just not that powerful.

Take care of you and the children by attending Alanon meetings. These people at Alanon meetings are either right where you are at, or they have been where you are at right now and they have a solution.

This honestly isn't about HIM.... he is going to do whatever he is going to do... and it appears to me that he is doing exactly what I did when I wanted to drink, and I was full of self-pity, giving out all kinds of pretty words.... and when the pretty words didn't work, well then I would just simply get real ticked off....and use the ultimate excuse.......
"whats the use, they don't care about me" <---- don't buy it EndOfRoadWife.... cause this is the BS that we alcoholics use as an EXCUSE to continue to do what we wanted to do.........DRINK.

I have been on both sides of this one. I am an alcoholic in recovery...who got sober with AA meetings.... and at 2 years sober I realized that I was living with an active alcoholic...... and my AA sponsor at that time literally took me by the hand to an Alanon meeting. Thank God for her, and Alanon meetings

When I first began Alanon meetings I was so angry, here I got sober and now I have to go to Alanon for HIM! I soon learned that I was attending Alanon meetings for me, and not for him. I learned how to let go, and keep the focus on the only thing that I could do anything about... me and my own life....with or without the alcoholic in my life.

At Alanon meetings I was given the solution, the 12 Steps of Alanon. The Alanon members there had been right where I was at. I sat and I listened, and I learned another way. These wonderful people passed on to me the gift of sanity even under the most horrendous of times. I learned to detach with love, and to keep the focus on myself, my recovery, and how to live, really live one day at a time.
I learned that I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I sure as heck can't control it. I also learned with time to take care of me and my children, to mind my own business, to not be manipulated, to find out who I am, and to trust my own gut..... and one of the most important things that I learned is to live my life one day at a time whether he got sober or not.

Allow him to OWN whats his. What is his? His alcohol problem, and all the craziness that goes with that... and what he chooses to do about it and when....if anything at all.

Own what is yours EndOfRoadWife.... what is yours? Learning to live and to make correct choices for you and your life. Learning to take care of you...no matter what. How to keep the focus on you, your children and your own life.... no matter what he chooses to do or not do.

No one at Alanon meetings ever told me what to do, how to do it, or when to do it. I learned who I am, and how to make decisions in my own life. Good decisions, healthy decisions..... because this really isn't about him or his alcoholism. Its about you, and learning to LIVE one day at a time.

Whether he gets sober or not, is his choice. Whether you and your children continue to suffer the consequences of his choices....... is YOUR choice.

Love to you and DO IT FOR YOU EndOfRoadWife

Patsy

Patsyd1

Hi (((((((((((((EndOfRoadWife)))))))))))))))))

This is just a suggestion, but you might want to change your password here at this site. So you can log on as YOU.....and allow him to own what is HIS...... his own log on



Love to you
Patsy

EndOfRoadWife

Patsy,

Hey! When I read your post this morning, I felt like that was ME speaking...I have been telling him that for years, "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS"......Another thing I thought was weird was that about a month ago when I made an appointment for marriage counseling (and my husband didn't go because he never has "time" for anything like that besides time for his work and friends),,,Anyway, I was telling the counselor all my problems with his drinking, staying out, lying to me constantly, that I couldn't trust him, etc ....And that is EXACTLY what the counselor said "How do you tell when alcoholic is lying? When they are moving their lips"...... I even went home and told my A that...

While I don't doubt his love for me or our family (and he does have a heart of gold), I still am very skeptical....I don't think to myself "ok everything is alright now"....Not at all....When I read my A's statement that "I WILL MAKE IT THAT WAY AGAIN!".....I think he is a little too over confident...Even though he means well, it's not about how much he loves us. That's not my problem that he doesn't love us anymore......He tries to make up for it and yesterday I came home to a full course meal.....meatloaf, potatoes, corn, noodles, etc, and he tried to invite my mom over...He wants to make everything like it was before...I hope it can be like that....But he has to continue and get help because roller coaster rides aren't fun....Recovery is a long road and should be taken very seriously...In the past when he "tried" to quit, he would go about 1 or 2 weeks, then all of a sudden he'd tell me to invite my friend over for a cook-out, then when he'd come back from the store, I'd open the fridge and see a case of beer.....That's what I'm afraid of...I'm afraid he might be serious today, but what about tomorrow?????? I am still very leary.....

Thanks to all of you- Gianna, Patsy, Don, Music....You all are a lot of help.......You guys know better than anyone......

Patsyd1

Hi ((((((((((EndOfRoadWife))))))))))))))))

It doesn't matter whether he is serious or not. What matters is whether YOU are serious about your own recovery. Take the focus off him and put it on the only thing that you can do anything about... YOU.
What are you willing to do to get better one day at a time?

Cause as hard as this is to believe, HE isn't YOUR problem..... HIS drinking isn't your problem. Your problem is YOU.

Whether he gets help or not....... and I know how hard this is to believe, but trust me......its true. Whether he gets help or not will NOT HELP YOU. What will help YOU is getting to Alanon meetings.
Whether he continues to drink or not...... IS NOT your problem.

Your whole post is about HIM... read it, and then reread it....and take a good look at what the real problem is. And HE is not your problem, YOU are your problem. When they become obsessed with alcohol.......a most unnatural occurance takes place, WE BECOME OBSESSED WITH THEM and what they are doing, saying, thinking, and acting like. We begin to believe that IF they change, then our lives would get better. Thats a lie that we tell ourselves so that we can keep the focus OFF the real problem.... the real problem is US..... and our own thoughts, our own words, our own deeds, and our own actions.

Take the focus off of HIM....and put it on the only problem that YOU have today........YOU.

When we become so obsessed with someone else and their drinking.... that we give up who we are, what is going on in our own lives, what we are feeling, what we are doing, what we think and how we behave......... then THATS A PROBLEM.....and its OUR problem,..... not theirs.

Yes, he has a problem with alcohol.......and THATS HIS PROBLEM.

What are you willing to do about YOUR problem EndOfRoadWife?

And please know that I am saying this with compassion and understanding..... because I have been where you are at..... the totally inability to stop obsessing about THEM...... and having no clue that, that was MY PROBLEM and had nothing to do with them or what they were doing or not doing.

Take care of YOU..... get to Alanon meetings.

Love to you,
Patsy

EndOfRoadWife

Patsy,

I'm really going to have to work on that......That will be A LOT of work for me to do, for myself.. Probably, the only way I can learn to do that is by going to those meetings since I'm so used to "obsessing"...I've been obsessing for 2 years...It's not like I am not busy between working full time and running my children about every night of the week in activities...But you are right, that AS BUSY as I am, my thoughts are still obsessive NO MATTER how much I am running from one activity to the next...THANKS I'll let you know how my 1st meeting goes

Patsyd1

(((((((((((((((((EndOfRoadWife)))))))))))))))))))

There ya go, YOU are on the way.....just keep putting one foot in front of the other and get to the Alanon meeting. And yes, please let us know how it was.

One more suggestion.... Go to at least 6 Alanon meetings. I know for myself that the first few Alanon meetings that I went to, I went there with the hopes of an instant fix. Thats not how it works hon. Try different Alanon meetings, and just keep going no matter what. If you feel comfortable talk with someone one on one, and get some phone numbers to call. I can not tell you how many times that I have picked up the phone and received help from those who have been there and done this long before I came to Alanon. Thank God for those wonderful woman and men.....who pass the message of hope to us, one day at a time, and all we have to do.....is keep coming.

In Alanon we have a slogan..... and I found this slogan to be so helpful in my own recovery. The slogan is "Let it begin with me"

Congrats to you ((((((((EndOfRoadWife)))))))))) WAY TO GO
Its great that you are going to attend Alanon meetings.....and to let it begin with you You have begun a journey, its a wonderful and powerful journey..... I am so proud of YOU for making the choice to take care of YOU.

Love to you,
Patsy

Jhana

Hi Mrs. End of Road,

Just thinking about you today, because TODAY is Friday, and you ARE going to that meeting tonight, right!??!! Oh, I sincerely hope that when I log on tomorrow you will tell us that you went. One caveat: Don't judge on the basis of one meeting, give it a few meetings. Every meeting has its own personality and you need an overview, as well as giving the program time to come through the personalities.

You have no doubt realized in reading all that has been said here that there are as many personalities as there are people, but I think it is safe to say that we are united in one thing: that we cannot drink normally, nor do we want to drink. We hang together in all the richness of our opinions to stay sober one day at a time.

Mr. End of the Road, I betcha there is an AA meeting you can go to tonight...there is a saying in AA: "Bring the body and the mind will follow." Don't worry that lurking in the back of that mind is the idea that you can't possibly quit drinking. Just go to the meeting. Whether or not to drink each day is a choice for all of us; give yourself a real chance to make that choice.

My thoughts are with both of you,
Gianna

Patsyd1

Hi ((((((MrEndOfTheRoad)))))))))

I go to AA meetings to stay sober myself, and to help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. We are not united in the richness of our opinions....... we are united so that we can stay sober for one more day, and pass on the message of hope to those who still suffer. Because its one alcoholic helping another to stay sober, for one day... through the 12 Steps of recovery. This is not my opinion....this is a fact that has worked in my life for over 14 years and in the lives of millions of other alcoholics......with the Grace of God, AA, and the 12 Steps of recovery.... we reach out to help one another to stay sober........ and all you have to do...is reach back, grab on, and allow those who have been where you are at right now...to help you. Just suit up, and show up at AA meetings, and buckle up....its the ride of a lifetime.

The only difference between those who stay sober at AA meetings....and those who don't..... is that those who don't stay sober, simply decline to take actions that they do not agree with.

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. I not only had that desire, I was desperate, I had hit my bottom. I continued to go to AA meetings and I took the suggestions... and I learned that I had the gift of desperation. No one could keep me sober, and no one could make me drink.

Do you want to stop drinking? Do you have the desire to stop drinking? If you do, then I would suggest attending AA meetings..... sit and listen, identify and do not compare.....take the suggestions and then just keep coming no matter what.

There is a solution MrEndOfTheRoad...... the choice is yours.

Yours in Recovery,
Patsy