A New Life
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
A New Life
Alcoholics Anonymous not only saved my life, it opened the door to a new life filled with hope for the future and a freedom I never imagined possible. As a low bottom drunk, I had feebly tried to stay sober off and on for 25 years and in the process lost everything but my life. Why could I not stay sober? Why did I have to hurt more people, create more insanity, lose more hope? Why did I have to return over and over again to the first drink of the next drunk or binge?
I refused to admit in my soul that I was an Alcoholic, powerless over Alcohol and that my entire life was a shambles and unmanageable. For years I clung to the idea that one day I could drink like others. It was a lie that brought me close to true death many times.
Today, I am sober and have been so since 2003. What changed? I have peace today, I have hope today, the past no longer haunts me like it did and I am no longer alone for I have a true friend in a power greater than I. So how did it happen for me? How did I recover? How did many who share their experience, strength and hope her at SR find the solution to not only the drink question but to finding and keeping a new life?
I have asked my friends here to share what worked for them initally in recovery so that they need not return to the drink. You see to drink for many of us is too die and I for one will not pay that price today and probably not tomorrow or at anytime in the future. We will endevor to give you our experience to help you live free.
A journey to freedom begins with one Step, the First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous.
" We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable."
If you want a new life and true freedom please read what my friends post here and simply try; you will be amazed!
Ron
I refused to admit in my soul that I was an Alcoholic, powerless over Alcohol and that my entire life was a shambles and unmanageable. For years I clung to the idea that one day I could drink like others. It was a lie that brought me close to true death many times.
Today, I am sober and have been so since 2003. What changed? I have peace today, I have hope today, the past no longer haunts me like it did and I am no longer alone for I have a true friend in a power greater than I. So how did it happen for me? How did I recover? How did many who share their experience, strength and hope her at SR find the solution to not only the drink question but to finding and keeping a new life?
I have asked my friends here to share what worked for them initally in recovery so that they need not return to the drink. You see to drink for many of us is too die and I for one will not pay that price today and probably not tomorrow or at anytime in the future. We will endevor to give you our experience to help you live free.
A journey to freedom begins with one Step, the First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous.
" We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable."
If you want a new life and true freedom please read what my friends post here and simply try; you will be amazed!
Ron
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
It took me 30 years of drinking before I thought I may have a problem with drinking so of course I knew I was in charge, and immediately set out on controling my drinking, I cut back to a 6 pack a day and that worked so well I upped that to 9 a day, then 12, and then I was once again drunk every day. I did this for a while and realized that controled drinking was not for me so I would decide to quit, well I would not drink for a week or so and decided to celebrate my new found sobrity with a 6 pack, this set off the whole cycle again!!!
After 5 years of the above I crossed an invisible line and lost the ability to choose whether or not I would have a drink, I had to drink, mentally, physically, and even spiritually I had to drink just to function on a semi normal level. Over the following 5 years I grew to hate myself for being weak, for not being able to stop drinking or control my drinking, I was a failure, all my self will could not help me to stop drinking at that point, little lone control my drinking.
I finally surrendered to alcohol, I simply decided to stop fighting drinking, to stop beating myself up about it and to just drink! Very soon after that my wife told me at the end of the month her and the kids were moving out. There was no threat, no ultimatum, they were moving out because my wife did not want our kids to watch me drink myself to death.
At first I thought that was great, now they would not be around to bug me about drinking or being drunk, I could really drink all I wanted when and where I wanted. I went out to my garage and continued to drink in celebration.... it was then I had a moment of clarity, I saw the next year in fast forward if I continued to drink, in less then a year I saw every one I ever cared for out of my life and every material thing I owned gone! All that was going to be left for me was to drink myself to death.
I had hit my bottom, alcohol owned me and I had no idea what to do, I was powerless over alcohol and my life was truly unmanagable. I called the Drug and Alcohol hotline on the back of my health insurance card and saw a doctor the next day.
At this point I was beaten, I was no longer fighting any one or thing, I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. I was honest about my drinking for the first time in my life with the doctor, he sent me to detox.
In detox after about 3-4 days I began to be able to understand some of the stuff they were telling me, most important of all they told me "If you want a chance to stay sober you should go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
Well my will alone was incapable of getting or keeping me sober so I listened to them. When I got out of detox it was everything within my power just to get home without stopping for a 12 pack to get me home, I prayed the whole way and made it. Once home I hugged my wife and kids and told them I am going to an AA meeting.
At that AA meeting for the first time I had hope, the people there showed me not only by their own sobriety and happiness, but also their own stories that it was possible for me to stay sober and be happy doing it.
They told me how they to were powerless over alcohol once they drank even a single drink and that thier lifes to had been unmanageable. The were willing to show me how they had stayed sober and were happier being sober then they had ever been while drinking.
The first step for me was the key to the door of a beautiful life long journey, once through that door I continued to work the remainder of the steps and to listen to suggestions from people who knew how to stay sober.
Once I came to a full realization that I am an alcoholic and that once I have even one drink I lose all power I have over alcohol and my life becomes unmanageable I was able to begin to gain freedom from alcohol and my self centeredness.
This is not for me something I do one time, it became a way of life, a new way of life that allows me to be happy, joyous and free.
After 5 years of the above I crossed an invisible line and lost the ability to choose whether or not I would have a drink, I had to drink, mentally, physically, and even spiritually I had to drink just to function on a semi normal level. Over the following 5 years I grew to hate myself for being weak, for not being able to stop drinking or control my drinking, I was a failure, all my self will could not help me to stop drinking at that point, little lone control my drinking.
I finally surrendered to alcohol, I simply decided to stop fighting drinking, to stop beating myself up about it and to just drink! Very soon after that my wife told me at the end of the month her and the kids were moving out. There was no threat, no ultimatum, they were moving out because my wife did not want our kids to watch me drink myself to death.
At first I thought that was great, now they would not be around to bug me about drinking or being drunk, I could really drink all I wanted when and where I wanted. I went out to my garage and continued to drink in celebration.... it was then I had a moment of clarity, I saw the next year in fast forward if I continued to drink, in less then a year I saw every one I ever cared for out of my life and every material thing I owned gone! All that was going to be left for me was to drink myself to death.
I had hit my bottom, alcohol owned me and I had no idea what to do, I was powerless over alcohol and my life was truly unmanagable. I called the Drug and Alcohol hotline on the back of my health insurance card and saw a doctor the next day.
At this point I was beaten, I was no longer fighting any one or thing, I was willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. I was honest about my drinking for the first time in my life with the doctor, he sent me to detox.
In detox after about 3-4 days I began to be able to understand some of the stuff they were telling me, most important of all they told me "If you want a chance to stay sober you should go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
Well my will alone was incapable of getting or keeping me sober so I listened to them. When I got out of detox it was everything within my power just to get home without stopping for a 12 pack to get me home, I prayed the whole way and made it. Once home I hugged my wife and kids and told them I am going to an AA meeting.
At that AA meeting for the first time I had hope, the people there showed me not only by their own sobriety and happiness, but also their own stories that it was possible for me to stay sober and be happy doing it.
They told me how they to were powerless over alcohol once they drank even a single drink and that thier lifes to had been unmanageable. The were willing to show me how they had stayed sober and were happier being sober then they had ever been while drinking.
The first step for me was the key to the door of a beautiful life long journey, once through that door I continued to work the remainder of the steps and to listen to suggestions from people who knew how to stay sober.
Once I came to a full realization that I am an alcoholic and that once I have even one drink I lose all power I have over alcohol and my life becomes unmanageable I was able to begin to gain freedom from alcohol and my self centeredness.
This is not for me something I do one time, it became a way of life, a new way of life that allows me to be happy, joyous and free.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
My story is posted on SR in the Stories Of Recovery forum, it got a little mangled in the last crash but it's still legible. Bits and pieces of my story are posted across these boards every day, I hope that once in awhile someone hears a message in what I share.
Ebby's Promise sums it up pretty well for me........
My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements. Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.
These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound.
Ebby's Promise sums it up pretty well for me........
My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements. Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all.
These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never know. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound.
Last edited by Astro; 08-13-2008 at 10:47 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
A New Life is not a myth. This is not Christianity. A New Life is freedom from Alcohol and the old self. If you have struggled with sobriety, please read what my good freinds are posting. The miracle is working in each of their lives and it can in yours.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
What it was like before recovery:
Every day was hard. I felt depressed and shut off from happiness and peace. I lost any shred of self respect each time I gave in again to self destructive behaviour. The more I drank, partied and tried to live in my own reality, the lower down the scale my companions became.
We each lied, stole, and annihilated one another in the name of our own individiual alcoholic self serving survival, while maintaining "honour among thieves".....
I have no war stories to share. They've all been told before. But my drinking days were my dead days.
I was near death, brutally beaten down at the end, and I called for help from a stranger in AA. That stranger and 4 other strangers drove to get me and my daughter, 2 states away. They moved me to a safe location and gave me shelter and support during my detox.
They took me to AA meetings and slowly, the light of the spirit returned in my heart. I had trustworthy people in my life for the first time. They were genuinely good and they knew what I had gone through.
That was 19 and a half years ago.
Today, I will never forget the honor among AA's: "When anybody reaches out for help, may the hand of AA be there. For that, I am responsible."
If you are a newcomer to sobriety, never give up hope. It is a gift. You are worth it!
Every day was hard. I felt depressed and shut off from happiness and peace. I lost any shred of self respect each time I gave in again to self destructive behaviour. The more I drank, partied and tried to live in my own reality, the lower down the scale my companions became.
We each lied, stole, and annihilated one another in the name of our own individiual alcoholic self serving survival, while maintaining "honour among thieves".....
I have no war stories to share. They've all been told before. But my drinking days were my dead days.
I was near death, brutally beaten down at the end, and I called for help from a stranger in AA. That stranger and 4 other strangers drove to get me and my daughter, 2 states away. They moved me to a safe location and gave me shelter and support during my detox.
They took me to AA meetings and slowly, the light of the spirit returned in my heart. I had trustworthy people in my life for the first time. They were genuinely good and they knew what I had gone through.
That was 19 and a half years ago.
Today, I will never forget the honor among AA's: "When anybody reaches out for help, may the hand of AA be there. For that, I am responsible."
If you are a newcomer to sobriety, never give up hope. It is a gift. You are worth it!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
At the end of my drinking I was 18 .. I would drink to a blackout .. act out violently, pass out, have 2 day hangovers .. and do it all over again. The last night I drank, in a blacked out state I was walking up and down the hallway at my folks house with an pump action shotgun .. no shells in it .. pumping the shotgun and glaring at my parents. After they told me what I did, that was enough to take action and go try an AA meeting, I was thinking about it previously but that last blackout was the event that broke my back. That day was Feb 4th 1986.
I knew for sure I was an alcoholic after that 1st AA meeting. I could identify with everybody that shared. For the next two months I would go to meetings but also wondered what the party crowd was doing and would stop by and talk to drinking buddies. The day of my 19th Birthday. I was legal age to drink and headed to the bar to see what its all about. Well after 2-3 glasses of pop, I was wanting to drink... it was time to make a decision, drink or leave. I chose sobriety and that is the day I surrendered. My first spiritual experience.
Then I heard at a meeting.. to keep my hands busy .. then my mind would focus on what my hands were doing, instead of stinking thinking. So I went and bought a HD motorcycle that needed a lot of work.. I can still see my dad and sponsor shaking their heads when I told them my plan. But it gave me something to focus on and work on. That Bike and AA meetings is what kept me sober until I did the steps.
The mistake I made was not working through the steps right away. Took me five years to do step 5. Almost got drunk at that time.
Working the steps off the wall is a lot different than working them as they are in the Big Book. If your starting out new or off a relapse, get somebody that will get you doing the steps in the Big Book. It clears the path to a higher power. Chuck C says the obsessions of the mind all stem from the human ego, and the only way to deflate the ego is the 12 steps. I agree with him.
I knew for sure I was an alcoholic after that 1st AA meeting. I could identify with everybody that shared. For the next two months I would go to meetings but also wondered what the party crowd was doing and would stop by and talk to drinking buddies. The day of my 19th Birthday. I was legal age to drink and headed to the bar to see what its all about. Well after 2-3 glasses of pop, I was wanting to drink... it was time to make a decision, drink or leave. I chose sobriety and that is the day I surrendered. My first spiritual experience.
Then I heard at a meeting.. to keep my hands busy .. then my mind would focus on what my hands were doing, instead of stinking thinking. So I went and bought a HD motorcycle that needed a lot of work.. I can still see my dad and sponsor shaking their heads when I told them my plan. But it gave me something to focus on and work on. That Bike and AA meetings is what kept me sober until I did the steps.
The mistake I made was not working through the steps right away. Took me five years to do step 5. Almost got drunk at that time.
Working the steps off the wall is a lot different than working them as they are in the Big Book. If your starting out new or off a relapse, get somebody that will get you doing the steps in the Big Book. It clears the path to a higher power. Chuck C says the obsessions of the mind all stem from the human ego, and the only way to deflate the ego is the 12 steps. I agree with him.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
From my heart and the Stories of Recovery Forum..
Ah the '60's!
Booze...Drugs...Free Love...Rock 'n Roll.
The decade that began my slide into alcoholism.
I was divorced...my 3 children were with my family
in Mo. I lived in Washington, D.C. working in the
hospitality industry,
In that atmosphere ...my social drinking escalated.
All my friends and co workers drank excessively
I was uneducated on alcoholism.
When Blackouts began...I thought everyone had them.
I soon learned that a breakfast Vodka + Librium
got me into work.
Sooo...why did I want to stop drinking?
By '80 depression was my daily companion.
I checked myself into hospitals 3 times for
depression after attempts at suicide.
My world was dark. I detested the woman
I had become.
I was shocked when I could not quit drinking
by simply deciding to.
I went to AA...and still drank.
Then I read "Under The Influence"
Wow! I was not nutso or evil or hexed
I have a disease!!
With that information...I returned to AA
Re newed my connection with God
and have not had a drink since.
For anyone still suffering ... for anyone loseing hope
You too can find health and healing.
There is much joy to feel ...
recovery is an awesome adventure.
Thank you for reading my miracle.
Please PM me if you need help.
Carol D.
DOS 4-25-89
Ah the '60's!
Booze...Drugs...Free Love...Rock 'n Roll.
The decade that began my slide into alcoholism.
I was divorced...my 3 children were with my family
in Mo. I lived in Washington, D.C. working in the
hospitality industry,
In that atmosphere ...my social drinking escalated.
All my friends and co workers drank excessively
I was uneducated on alcoholism.
When Blackouts began...I thought everyone had them.
I soon learned that a breakfast Vodka + Librium
got me into work.
Sooo...why did I want to stop drinking?
By '80 depression was my daily companion.
I checked myself into hospitals 3 times for
depression after attempts at suicide.
My world was dark. I detested the woman
I had become.
I was shocked when I could not quit drinking
by simply deciding to.
I went to AA...and still drank.
Then I read "Under The Influence"
Wow! I was not nutso or evil or hexed
I have a disease!!
With that information...I returned to AA
Re newed my connection with God
and have not had a drink since.
For anyone still suffering ... for anyone loseing hope
You too can find health and healing.
There is much joy to feel ...
recovery is an awesome adventure.
Thank you for reading my miracle.
Please PM me if you need help.
Carol D.
DOS 4-25-89
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I am not going to go into a bunch of war stories but will hit the high points of my drinking career.
High School: started drinking on weekends with friends.
College: started attending the frat parties and felt I was drinking like everyone else. What I did not see at the time was the fact that others did not arrange their class schedule so that they did not have any classes before noon or after 5 pm like I did so the classes would not interfere with my drinking.
After 1 year college: I got married to a guy I dated all through High School. Not because I was in love with him but because I did not want the responsibility of college, did not want to have to get a job, and did not want to go back and live with my parents.
Marraige #1: This marraige allowed me to drink when I wanted to for the most part with a couple of breaks for the 2 pregnacies I had in this marraige. I wound up working the last two years of this marraige and moved up quickly in my job. I nearly lost my job when I got a DWI at the age of 21. But my work did not find out about it. The judge at the DWI trial sentenced me to 6 AA meetings saying that anyone who was still up functioning with a blood alcohol level of .22 and .24 had to be an alcoholic. I went to one meeting and decided I was not like "those people" and never went back. Needless to say, the marraige ended after 6 years. I left him thinking he was the one who was wrong.
Divorce #1: I moved over 2000 miles thinking things would get better. I spent the next 6 years living with my parents off and on, going to school, and working. I still drank heavily any chance I got but rarely missed work because of my drinking. I had to maintain my drinking while living in my parents home because they are 100% anti alcohol. I did not want to lose my free babysitter.
Marraige #2: I met someone while out drinking (figured out later that picking up people in bars is not the place to meet happy, content people). What we had in common was drinking and the child I had during this marraige. Other than that nothing. He accused me of having an alcohol problem. So I decided to prove him wrong. I spent a year drinking only O'Douls non-alcoholic beer by the case. It wasn't long though after I felt that I had proved him wrong that I started right back to drinking which progressed rapidly to being more out of hand than it was when I was told I had a problem. So I left him after 2 years of marraige.
Divorce #2: Spent the next few years drinking if I was not at work. There were many times I would go into work after only a few (2-3) hours of not drinking. But the field I was working in I was able to get by with it since we worked 48 hours on and 48 hours off with a 72 hour shift in a 2 week period. It got to the point that I would take a change of cloths and a cooler to work with me so I would not get in trouble for stopping and buying alcohol on my way home from work. I still figured I could not be an alcoholic since I was able to go 2 and 3 days at a time without drinking. What I did not realize at the time was during that 2 to 3 day work period my mind was constantly working on planning my next drink.
I finally got to the point of realizing that my life was not going real well but by then the insanity had started for me. I met someone online and moved over 2500 miles to be with them. I just quit my job, loaded up the kids, traded the car in for a truck that would tow a U Haul trailer and left. That relationship lasted less than 6 months. The reason the person had me move out there was to make their ex jealous in a failed attempt to get them back. I was fortunate because by this time I had a job, was paying all the bills, and doing fairly well financially so my moving out on my own with my kids was no problem.
What finally broke the camels back: I finally came to the realization that my drinking was not only killing me but it was taking all those that cared about me down as well. I knew I could no longer go on drinking but had no idea how to live without drinking. I felt like crawling out of my skin when I wasn't drinking. Just the thought of life without alcohol was more than I felt I could stand. My head would just spin at the thought. Ironically, several people around me had no idea that I was in such a state. By this time in my life I had become a good actress. Only showing others what I thought they wanted to see. The only exception was my children who saw the worst of me when I was drinking. I finally reached out one night and said a prayer to a God I was not even certain existed. I just prayed that God either show me how to live without drinking and not be miserable and insane or give me the strength to kill myself.
What happened: I got an answer to my prayer. The next morning the thought came to my head to call a woman I had met once who gave me her number and said if I ever felt I had a problem with alcohol to give her a call. It took me two weeks to get the courage up to call her. I am very grateful I did. I have been sober since that date; March 13, 2001. She took me to my first AA meeting that day and I finally found the hope that life could be lived without the misery and insanity I was feeling.
Today: I have been through a lot of life in the past 7 years. Some good some not so good but through it all I have not felt that misery, emptiness, and insanity that was present in the last few years of my drinking. Today, I know what serenity is, my children have forgiven me, I have made peace with both of my ex husbands, I have been able to do some traveling I never thought possible, I am in the best relationship I have ever been in one of mutual love and respect, in other words today I am living a life I never thought was possible. I am quite blessed.
What has worked for me: For me to get here it took that feeling of complete hopelessness and realization that what I was doing was no longer working. I surrendered to the fact that my drinking had made my life completely unmanagable. I was at a point that I was willing to literally go to any lengths to find sobriety. For me that was working the program of AA, doing the steps, studying the book (which I still do on a regular basis), find something that I believe is more powerful than I, and be willing to do the next right thing whatever that may be, I got in the middle of the program, and started learning to trust others. I have learned that there are times when I need to just "shut up and listen". Working with other alcoholics and staying active in the program has really helped me. When I start feeling down I find that one of the best things I can do is find another alcoholic to work with.
If you have any interest in hearing how I walked through some trials in sobriety and how I managed not to drink because of them please feel free to see "nadm"s story in the Stories forum.
To anyone who has taken the time to read this, I truly wish you the best towards recovery as it has been a second chance at life for me.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
How we recovered is simple, if you are willing to put an end to drinking not just for today but forever. To accomplish recovery, I must accept responsibile for my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviors and my actions daily. The excuses no longer work; the lies have long since failed. While I live today, I will not drink and I will focus on the tasks that my Higher Power would have me about.
The false idea that all hope is lost gives the Alcoholic permission to continue drinking; if I have lost everything why not simply die in the bottle? This is the great lie of Alcoholism. There is hope for a new life and it is spelled out in the experience of those who post here at SR.
The false idea that all hope is lost gives the Alcoholic permission to continue drinking; if I have lost everything why not simply die in the bottle? This is the great lie of Alcoholism. There is hope for a new life and it is spelled out in the experience of those who post here at SR.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I've tried jotting down a few thoughts on step one for me, but it keeps turning into an autobiography. Lol. So pray I can keep it simple.
I didn't go to AA to stop drinking. I went because I was scared I'd start again and because I was in the worst emotional pain I had expereinced in my entire life. My daughter had jut spent a week in our national burns unit after being left in my care for the afternoon and I was too stoned to be watching her and she knocked hot water off the stove.
So (for me) if the price of the cure for this pain was 'don't drink/use' then that was fine for me. I had been beaten into defeat.
I really was entirely out of ideas on how to 'fix' myself. I'd already had years of counselling - first one I saw was at the age of 11, been to treatment, taken the geograpihcal cure - moved towns/cities, got a new boyfriend, read most of the self help books (god bless Lousie Hays), tried switching drinks and none of these 'ideas' worked for very long. They all made me feel better to begin with but then that would pass and I would be back to feeling awful again.
So when I turned up in meetings, I knew my life was unmanageable but I didn't think it was because of my drinking/using. I just thought when I drank I did dumb things. It never occured to me the drinking/using lifestyle I lead impaired my judgement, at the very least.
I got a year sober by attending meeting, doing all the service I could, getting a sponsor and working the steps. However not long after a year sober I one day found myself sitting in a park at 11am with my daughter (who was now back it in care) and a bottle of wine. I was resentful and mad that things in my life hadn't gone 'how they should'. But as I sat there my head started to plan what and where I would be going and drinking next, and up to that point I had just planned to 'get drunk' and go home.
My daughter need to go to the toliet so I took her to a nearby childs type centre place and asked to use their bathrooms. The lady who I spoke to commented how what a beautiful daughter I had and I swear my thinking did a 360, and I became sane again as I wondered what the f**k am I doing as it ocured to me I was on the path back to were I was before I went to treatment which included working in the sex industry, being crazy, my daughter living at my parents and getting arrested for stupid and dumb things. And I did not want to be like that anymore.
After we left that place I chucked my wine in the rubbish and have never drunk since. That was 10 years this past July. In AA they talk alot about surrender and I think when I first started attending as I said, I was beaten into defeat but after I relapsed, I surrendered to the idea that NOTHING is so bad that a drink won't make worse and that my mind tells me to drink because I am an alcoholic not because I should. Lol.
I like to think that by not drinking I am at the same starting point, in life, as everyone else in this world. I am standing on the starting line. I have as much chance as anyone to live a good, productive happy life but when I am drinking I'm not even on the feild.
I didn't go to AA to stop drinking. I went because I was scared I'd start again and because I was in the worst emotional pain I had expereinced in my entire life. My daughter had jut spent a week in our national burns unit after being left in my care for the afternoon and I was too stoned to be watching her and she knocked hot water off the stove.
So (for me) if the price of the cure for this pain was 'don't drink/use' then that was fine for me. I had been beaten into defeat.
I really was entirely out of ideas on how to 'fix' myself. I'd already had years of counselling - first one I saw was at the age of 11, been to treatment, taken the geograpihcal cure - moved towns/cities, got a new boyfriend, read most of the self help books (god bless Lousie Hays), tried switching drinks and none of these 'ideas' worked for very long. They all made me feel better to begin with but then that would pass and I would be back to feeling awful again.
So when I turned up in meetings, I knew my life was unmanageable but I didn't think it was because of my drinking/using. I just thought when I drank I did dumb things. It never occured to me the drinking/using lifestyle I lead impaired my judgement, at the very least.
I got a year sober by attending meeting, doing all the service I could, getting a sponsor and working the steps. However not long after a year sober I one day found myself sitting in a park at 11am with my daughter (who was now back it in care) and a bottle of wine. I was resentful and mad that things in my life hadn't gone 'how they should'. But as I sat there my head started to plan what and where I would be going and drinking next, and up to that point I had just planned to 'get drunk' and go home.
My daughter need to go to the toliet so I took her to a nearby childs type centre place and asked to use their bathrooms. The lady who I spoke to commented how what a beautiful daughter I had and I swear my thinking did a 360, and I became sane again as I wondered what the f**k am I doing as it ocured to me I was on the path back to were I was before I went to treatment which included working in the sex industry, being crazy, my daughter living at my parents and getting arrested for stupid and dumb things. And I did not want to be like that anymore.
After we left that place I chucked my wine in the rubbish and have never drunk since. That was 10 years this past July. In AA they talk alot about surrender and I think when I first started attending as I said, I was beaten into defeat but after I relapsed, I surrendered to the idea that NOTHING is so bad that a drink won't make worse and that my mind tells me to drink because I am an alcoholic not because I should. Lol.
I like to think that by not drinking I am at the same starting point, in life, as everyone else in this world. I am standing on the starting line. I have as much chance as anyone to live a good, productive happy life but when I am drinking I'm not even on the feild.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I thank you all for your inspirational stories of recovery through AA 
Rufe's words could have been my own
The only differences being I drank for 15 years, sober since 07 and my conception of the power greater than myself is a little different.
I know how fortunate and how blessed I am to find recovery, altho it was not in AA.
I give thanks that SR avails us all the chance to recover in whatever way we're led to and to discover the promise of a life rich and full and free of addiction
as CarolD is wont to say - forward we go side by side
D
Rufe's words could have been my own
As a low bottom drunk, I had feebly tried to stay sober off and on for 25 years and in the process lost everything but my life. Why could I not stay sober? Why did I have to hurt more people, create more insanity, lose more hope? Why did I have to return over and over again to the first drink of the next drunk or binge?
I refused to admit in my soul that I was an Alcoholic, powerless over Alcohol and that my entire life was a shambles and unmanageable. For years I clung to the idea that one day I could drink like others. It was a lie that brought me close to true death many times.
Today, I am sober and have been so since 2003. What changed? I have peace today, I have hope today, the past no longer haunts me like it did and I am no longer alone for I have a true friend in a power greater than I.
I refused to admit in my soul that I was an Alcoholic, powerless over Alcohol and that my entire life was a shambles and unmanageable. For years I clung to the idea that one day I could drink like others. It was a lie that brought me close to true death many times.
Today, I am sober and have been so since 2003. What changed? I have peace today, I have hope today, the past no longer haunts me like it did and I am no longer alone for I have a true friend in a power greater than I.
I know how fortunate and how blessed I am to find recovery, altho it was not in AA.
I give thanks that SR avails us all the chance to recover in whatever way we're led to and to discover the promise of a life rich and full and free of addiction
as CarolD is wont to say - forward we go side by side
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
2nd Chances
I conclude my formal prayers at night on my knees with these words "Thank you for this day, thank you for my life, thank you for this 2nd chance" I have never not meant it.
A little over 4 years ago, I was alone on an island drinking myself to death. I had walked away from family, friends, and my profession. I came very close to taking my life. The bitter emptiness and soul sickness was more than I could take. Through an amazing set of circumstances I found myself guided to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in July of 04' I have not had a drink since.
I am asked to speak and do step workshops regularly, I am happy to do this as the steps are the answer, it is a program of action that will produce a psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism.
The importance of a thorough understanding of step 1 is critical, to truly touch the hopelessness of Alcoholism is essential to the innermost concession that I am alcoholic. My experience shows, when I drink I can't stop, craving kicks in, and I am off, I have never drank all I wanted. I can't remember how horrible I feel emotionally the day after drinking, waking up in my soiled bed and hating myself, this does not prevent me from drinking, I can't think it through, I have a feeling of unease, depression, uselessness, driven by fear, hallmarks of a spiritual malady.
In recogonizing there is nothing I can do to keep myself sober, hope is born. Real hope for an alcoholic of my kind springs from no hope, no lurking notions or reservations. In and of myself I will drink, no matter what.
This feels like a death sentence, however, it brought me to a place where I was willing to seek a power greater than myself with the desperation of a drowning man, I set aside everything I thought I knew and followed the clear cut precise directions of the basic text.
Today, I am done drinking for good and all. I can't pull this off on my own, so I submit myself to the process and maintain conscious contact with my creator. I do this for the same reason I drank. I like the way I feel. I like me. The blessings I have been given are amazing, the more I trust God, the more I am given what I need.
AA is not the only way, but it is the best way for some of us. If anyone is thinking about it, my suggestion would be to "do it"going to meetings doesn't treat alcoholism, doing the steps with a recovered alcoholic does. I am on this site for one purpose, to share what I have been freely given. I am willing to help anyone who is ready to be done for good, as these forums often turn into debating grounds, I would ask that anyone seeking support to send me a private message.
In Spirit,
Rob
A little over 4 years ago, I was alone on an island drinking myself to death. I had walked away from family, friends, and my profession. I came very close to taking my life. The bitter emptiness and soul sickness was more than I could take. Through an amazing set of circumstances I found myself guided to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in July of 04' I have not had a drink since.
I am asked to speak and do step workshops regularly, I am happy to do this as the steps are the answer, it is a program of action that will produce a psychic change sufficient to recover from alcoholism.
The importance of a thorough understanding of step 1 is critical, to truly touch the hopelessness of Alcoholism is essential to the innermost concession that I am alcoholic. My experience shows, when I drink I can't stop, craving kicks in, and I am off, I have never drank all I wanted. I can't remember how horrible I feel emotionally the day after drinking, waking up in my soiled bed and hating myself, this does not prevent me from drinking, I can't think it through, I have a feeling of unease, depression, uselessness, driven by fear, hallmarks of a spiritual malady.
In recogonizing there is nothing I can do to keep myself sober, hope is born. Real hope for an alcoholic of my kind springs from no hope, no lurking notions or reservations. In and of myself I will drink, no matter what.
This feels like a death sentence, however, it brought me to a place where I was willing to seek a power greater than myself with the desperation of a drowning man, I set aside everything I thought I knew and followed the clear cut precise directions of the basic text.
Today, I am done drinking for good and all. I can't pull this off on my own, so I submit myself to the process and maintain conscious contact with my creator. I do this for the same reason I drank. I like the way I feel. I like me. The blessings I have been given are amazing, the more I trust God, the more I am given what I need.
AA is not the only way, but it is the best way for some of us. If anyone is thinking about it, my suggestion would be to "do it"going to meetings doesn't treat alcoholism, doing the steps with a recovered alcoholic does. I am on this site for one purpose, to share what I have been freely given. I am willing to help anyone who is ready to be done for good, as these forums often turn into debating grounds, I would ask that anyone seeking support to send me a private message.
In Spirit,
Rob
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
What is my problem? - That question has been with me most of my life. At one point (actually many points) it was "I drink too much". That turned into "I need to stop drinking - I am hung over all the time, girl is starting to get upset - people say I drink too much" eventually I got to a point where "my problem" was that I had been sober for over a year (I tried really really hard, went to some AA, went to a rehab), life was good (job was getting better, relationships healing and feeling generally 'ok' most of the time) - and I drank, with no forethought at all. Literally, I had no idea why I was drinking - I didn't want to, I knew the consequence (can't stop once I start).
This was the worst - I WILL drink no matter what, no time between me and alcohol is going to change that fact. To me - it's the nature of alcoholism - absolute inability to leave it alone for good and all, no matter how bad I need to, want to. In the face of agonizing pain, I could not choose to not drink - there wasn't even a choice made. There is something wrong with me that isn't wrong with most people and I have tried everything (even AA!!), yet there I was drunk again and then through the awful withdrawals.
This was utterly defeating. Not only was I drinking again - and could not stop (until I went to hospital), but I had no idea how or why. I was physically sick, despairing, confused - competely lost and alone in all of this. I am lucky there are people in my life who know a thing or two about this thing and let me fall down - I could intellectualize the h3ll out of alcoholism - but if I don't experience absolute powerlessness, I don't truly know what it is. I could tell you all what it's lilke to surf a large wave - but until you actually do it, you are separate from truly knowing.
Drinking when I didn't want to or plan to was the best thing that ever happened to me. In hindsight - it took away any notion or hope that I could get better. In the darkest of dark I found a dim light that has become brighter and brighter ever since I made a decision to move towards it and leave my 'self' behind. If I want to recover from 'my problem' - I need to move and I can't take everything with me, in fact - some of the things I am most attached to, I am going to have to give up. It took a lot of pain to be willing to give that stuff up..but I am glad I did, and it makes it a little bit easier to leave behind those things which I will be asked to get rid of today, tomorrow..etc
I can't keep me sober - only through and absolute miracle do I sit here TODAY and type this - with sober body, mind and spirit. This has come through some work - which seemed difficult until I actually started doing it - and now I know it's the simplest and most rewarding work I have ever done.
I hope anyone who can relate, drinks too much, can't stop drinking, cannot understand WHAT YOUR PROBLEM is - hurts enough to ask for help. I asked for help from a man who's previous difficulties I could relate to - and where the problem no longer existed. My world opened up, I cleaned up my past and today I am free. I get no credit for this - I just get to carry the hope and my past experience to those who can be helped by it.
Not the life I planned for myself - but it is more rewarding than I could have ever asked. Truly.
This was the worst - I WILL drink no matter what, no time between me and alcohol is going to change that fact. To me - it's the nature of alcoholism - absolute inability to leave it alone for good and all, no matter how bad I need to, want to. In the face of agonizing pain, I could not choose to not drink - there wasn't even a choice made. There is something wrong with me that isn't wrong with most people and I have tried everything (even AA!!), yet there I was drunk again and then through the awful withdrawals.
This was utterly defeating. Not only was I drinking again - and could not stop (until I went to hospital), but I had no idea how or why. I was physically sick, despairing, confused - competely lost and alone in all of this. I am lucky there are people in my life who know a thing or two about this thing and let me fall down - I could intellectualize the h3ll out of alcoholism - but if I don't experience absolute powerlessness, I don't truly know what it is. I could tell you all what it's lilke to surf a large wave - but until you actually do it, you are separate from truly knowing.
Drinking when I didn't want to or plan to was the best thing that ever happened to me. In hindsight - it took away any notion or hope that I could get better. In the darkest of dark I found a dim light that has become brighter and brighter ever since I made a decision to move towards it and leave my 'self' behind. If I want to recover from 'my problem' - I need to move and I can't take everything with me, in fact - some of the things I am most attached to, I am going to have to give up. It took a lot of pain to be willing to give that stuff up..but I am glad I did, and it makes it a little bit easier to leave behind those things which I will be asked to get rid of today, tomorrow..etc
I can't keep me sober - only through and absolute miracle do I sit here TODAY and type this - with sober body, mind and spirit. This has come through some work - which seemed difficult until I actually started doing it - and now I know it's the simplest and most rewarding work I have ever done.
I hope anyone who can relate, drinks too much, can't stop drinking, cannot understand WHAT YOUR PROBLEM is - hurts enough to ask for help. I asked for help from a man who's previous difficulties I could relate to - and where the problem no longer existed. My world opened up, I cleaned up my past and today I am free. I get no credit for this - I just get to carry the hope and my past experience to those who can be helped by it.
Not the life I planned for myself - but it is more rewarding than I could have ever asked. Truly.
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Physically - I fell down mountains when drunk. I threw up uncontrollably every single morning after, no matter how much I drank (attractive, right?). I stumbled, fell, woke up bruised in places I didn't know you could have bruises. I absolutely HAD to drink to have any type of peace.
Mentally - The chatter in my head never stopped. I constantly worried about what I had done, obsessed over the "good times" I was going to have. I was entirely stuck in myself, never thinking about what I could do for anyone else, only what I could get from others.
Emotionally - A mask took place of who I actually was. I had no real feelings. I was void, completely blank except for what I faked and a deep self-loathing.
Spiritually - There was no spirit left in me. I was absolutely spiritually bankrupt. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a monster. I had ripped apart everyone I truly loved, and I couldn't stop doing it on my own. I had no idea how to connect with the universal energy that I'd been able to tune into before, and that scared me badly.
I asked my mom to take me to an AA meeting. I went to some more. I got a sponsor, got a big book, and started working the steps. Things started getting better. A short list of what I've gotten through working the 12 steps and going to meetings includes:
-a sponsor, someone I can be completely honest with 100% of the time
-sponsees who keep me alive and keep me green in my program
-friends that love and accept me just as I am
-accountability, responsibility, dependibility... all the good -ibilities
-relationships with family that I thought were impossible
-a sure fire way to get over ego/resentment/fear
-honesty
-the Big Guy in the Sky
and that's the SHORT list. All given freely, just because I asked, I showed up, and I was willing to do the work. Pretty amazing.
Physically - I fell down mountains when drunk. I threw up uncontrollably every single morning after, no matter how much I drank (attractive, right?). I stumbled, fell, woke up bruised in places I didn't know you could have bruises. I absolutely HAD to drink to have any type of peace.
Mentally - The chatter in my head never stopped. I constantly worried about what I had done, obsessed over the "good times" I was going to have. I was entirely stuck in myself, never thinking about what I could do for anyone else, only what I could get from others.
Emotionally - A mask took place of who I actually was. I had no real feelings. I was void, completely blank except for what I faked and a deep self-loathing.
Spiritually - There was no spirit left in me. I was absolutely spiritually bankrupt. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a monster. I had ripped apart everyone I truly loved, and I couldn't stop doing it on my own. I had no idea how to connect with the universal energy that I'd been able to tune into before, and that scared me badly.
I asked my mom to take me to an AA meeting. I went to some more. I got a sponsor, got a big book, and started working the steps. Things started getting better. A short list of what I've gotten through working the 12 steps and going to meetings includes:
-a sponsor, someone I can be completely honest with 100% of the time
-sponsees who keep me alive and keep me green in my program
-friends that love and accept me just as I am
-accountability, responsibility, dependibility... all the good -ibilities
-relationships with family that I thought were impossible
-a sure fire way to get over ego/resentment/fear
-honesty
-the Big Guy in the Sky
and that's the SHORT list. All given freely, just because I asked, I showed up, and I was willing to do the work. Pretty amazing.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Great thread and I am just another "Garden variety drunk," or as one fellow told me, "you are a PHD, (poor hopeless drunk.)
Drinking for me was at the beginning a very large part of my social fabric. I have always loved the good and expensive Scotch and Canadian whiskeys. In addition the high end Gin, designer Vodka and Cognac. Throw in expensive wine and exotic Metaxas and Brandy and the picture becomes one of an effete snob who thought somehow the price and exclusivity of the booze made me that "gentleman" drinker that we read about in the Big Book.
Fast forward and I am getting drunk in the company Lear Jet and at the best gatherings. The operative word is not BEST, but DRUNK! As the friends and associates begin to question my drinking I don't really worry since I KNOW WHAT AN ALCOHOLIC IS and it isn't ME! After all, alkies are bottom end drunks and winos.
I don't know when I crossed the line, but as you have all heard when I wanted to cross back, the line was nowhere to be found. I began to drink alone and earlier and earlier in the day until it was cocktail hour when I woke up in the morning, 7 days a week. I lost wives, houses and made other business associations since I was self employed and the previous connections became too intolerant of my drinking. I was confounded by their lack of "understanding" with my late bids and lack of performance on delivery. I was now drinking almost exclusively alone and was actually consuming upwards of two fifths of Canadian Club per day. Beginning at 6AM and ending into the night. Surprisingly I still had the big house and cars and a live in girlfriend who was dating when I wasn't paying attention, which was most the time.
October 15TH 1999 I realized that I would most likely be dead within a year since I knew that no human could continue to imbibe this much alcohol and not die. On that night as I sat alone on the diving board of the backyard pool I asked literally, "God, I can't continue to live this way, HELP ME." For some unknown reason my lizard brain was crying out to survive. I finished the bottle of Canadian Club, it was after all good whiskey and not to be wasted by pouring down the drain, and that was my last drink.
I detoxed alone and nearly died, (that is a story much too long for this thread), but the point was that God pointed me to my insurance agent who was the only member of AA that I knew of. I went to meetings as often as I could, at least 1 per day, many times more. I HATED every one of them for at least 30 days, but I was a desperate fellow. The most humiliating part of my drinking wasn't my drunkenness, but rather that I found myself in AA with a bunch of losers. After all, didn't they know who I was?
It has turned out that in fact "they of AA did know exactly who I was and they loved me and listened to my self righteousness and still invited me to "KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT." One day about 45 days into the recovery process it hit me like a ton of bricks-BEING IN AA DIDN"T MEAN I COULDN"T DRINK, IT MEANT I DIDN"T HAVE TO DRINK!
Over the next 2 to 3 years I got back my family (children that is, ex-wives were never an option or an objective.) as well as my self respect. I have been the recipient of a life that is beyond imagining. I DID NOT lose anything as a result of my new sober life. I remember thinking that I would have a sober and boring existence, and I was not sure that staying ALIVE was really worth the boredom!
I live an exciting, full and varied life these past 9 years. I DO NOT avoid people or places where alcohol is present, as long as I have a reason to be there. I attended AA meetings on a regular basis and would not think of doing otherwise. AA is my manual for living, it is not my life. I DON"T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM, as long as I don't drink. I had a LIVING problem and I had chosen alcohol to get me through the difficulties.
Sometimes when I listen to those who are trying to get sober I chuckle, it could have been me back then. I now know with absolute certainty that you have to surrender and quit thinking that you are unique! I was so sure that I was special and that I could solve the problem all by myself and meanwhile I just sunk lower and lower. I tell my story for those arrogant asses like myself who are sure we are better than someone who has lost things.
Losing one's self is the only loss that really matters. If as TAZ said, "You want what we have you have to do what we did." There is a life awaiting those of us who have put the plug in the jug that is beyond one's wildest expectations. As I said at the beginning of this overly long narrative, "I THOUGHT I WAS A "SPECIAL" DRINKER, BUT I WAS A PHD. (Poor Hopeless Drunk.)
Keep coming back no matter what.
Jon
Drinking for me was at the beginning a very large part of my social fabric. I have always loved the good and expensive Scotch and Canadian whiskeys. In addition the high end Gin, designer Vodka and Cognac. Throw in expensive wine and exotic Metaxas and Brandy and the picture becomes one of an effete snob who thought somehow the price and exclusivity of the booze made me that "gentleman" drinker that we read about in the Big Book.
Fast forward and I am getting drunk in the company Lear Jet and at the best gatherings. The operative word is not BEST, but DRUNK! As the friends and associates begin to question my drinking I don't really worry since I KNOW WHAT AN ALCOHOLIC IS and it isn't ME! After all, alkies are bottom end drunks and winos.
I don't know when I crossed the line, but as you have all heard when I wanted to cross back, the line was nowhere to be found. I began to drink alone and earlier and earlier in the day until it was cocktail hour when I woke up in the morning, 7 days a week. I lost wives, houses and made other business associations since I was self employed and the previous connections became too intolerant of my drinking. I was confounded by their lack of "understanding" with my late bids and lack of performance on delivery. I was now drinking almost exclusively alone and was actually consuming upwards of two fifths of Canadian Club per day. Beginning at 6AM and ending into the night. Surprisingly I still had the big house and cars and a live in girlfriend who was dating when I wasn't paying attention, which was most the time.
October 15TH 1999 I realized that I would most likely be dead within a year since I knew that no human could continue to imbibe this much alcohol and not die. On that night as I sat alone on the diving board of the backyard pool I asked literally, "God, I can't continue to live this way, HELP ME." For some unknown reason my lizard brain was crying out to survive. I finished the bottle of Canadian Club, it was after all good whiskey and not to be wasted by pouring down the drain, and that was my last drink.
I detoxed alone and nearly died, (that is a story much too long for this thread), but the point was that God pointed me to my insurance agent who was the only member of AA that I knew of. I went to meetings as often as I could, at least 1 per day, many times more. I HATED every one of them for at least 30 days, but I was a desperate fellow. The most humiliating part of my drinking wasn't my drunkenness, but rather that I found myself in AA with a bunch of losers. After all, didn't they know who I was?
It has turned out that in fact "they of AA did know exactly who I was and they loved me and listened to my self righteousness and still invited me to "KEEP COMING BACK NO MATTER WHAT." One day about 45 days into the recovery process it hit me like a ton of bricks-BEING IN AA DIDN"T MEAN I COULDN"T DRINK, IT MEANT I DIDN"T HAVE TO DRINK!
Over the next 2 to 3 years I got back my family (children that is, ex-wives were never an option or an objective.) as well as my self respect. I have been the recipient of a life that is beyond imagining. I DID NOT lose anything as a result of my new sober life. I remember thinking that I would have a sober and boring existence, and I was not sure that staying ALIVE was really worth the boredom!
I live an exciting, full and varied life these past 9 years. I DO NOT avoid people or places where alcohol is present, as long as I have a reason to be there. I attended AA meetings on a regular basis and would not think of doing otherwise. AA is my manual for living, it is not my life. I DON"T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM, as long as I don't drink. I had a LIVING problem and I had chosen alcohol to get me through the difficulties.
Sometimes when I listen to those who are trying to get sober I chuckle, it could have been me back then. I now know with absolute certainty that you have to surrender and quit thinking that you are unique! I was so sure that I was special and that I could solve the problem all by myself and meanwhile I just sunk lower and lower. I tell my story for those arrogant asses like myself who are sure we are better than someone who has lost things.
Losing one's self is the only loss that really matters. If as TAZ said, "You want what we have you have to do what we did." There is a life awaiting those of us who have put the plug in the jug that is beyond one's wildest expectations. As I said at the beginning of this overly long narrative, "I THOUGHT I WAS A "SPECIAL" DRINKER, BUT I WAS A PHD. (Poor Hopeless Drunk.)
Keep coming back no matter what.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
This will be good practice for me since I will be telling my story for the second time in my life next week.
My story is a little different (or at least I like to think it is LOL!) Alcohol was not my initial drug of choice. Food was. I had all the thinking and mentality of an alcoholic, having the infamous hole inside of me that I tried to fill with various things including food, men, and eventually alcohol. The feelings of never feeling like I belonged, that I was less than those around me or that I was different. I just went at trying to stuff those feelings in a different way.
I grew up with a very strong and vocal grandmother who I worshiped. My uncle was the family alcoholic and she was constantly pulling him out of scrapes so I was well aware of alcohol and what it could do to people. My grandmother drilled it into my head that alcoholism runs in families, that we had a family drunk and if I knew what was best for me I would stay far away from alcohol. Since I was a big girl and didn't have much of a social life I didn't get into the party scene that most teenagers do. The friends I had were rather sheltered like I was. It wasn't until I moved in with a cousin who was 10 years older than me when I was 19 that I really started going to bars. Even then I went mainly to dance and usually just drank coke. She would have a bottle of bourbon (which became my drink of choice) with her and would take a couple of swigs before going in because she was cheap and didn't like paying the price of the bar drinks. Eventually I would take a couple of swigs with her. It got to where we were going out almost every night and I was drinking almost every night but never enough to even get tipsy because I could not stand the feeling of being out of control of myself. Still my grandmothers words rang in my head so I quit drinking which was no problem. I had not crossed the line - nor come anywhere near it.
A couple years later I met my first husband and he was a pothead. Our first date was my first time to ever even see the stuff. I played around with it but once again it was not for me due to paranoia and the feelings of being out of control. It is hard to enjoy yourself when your primary thought is if judgement day were to happen right that moment you would go to hell for being high. I did start to drink a little with him though. The night of my 23rd birthday is one I will NEVER forget. I had a huge glass mixed with fuzzy navel (I shudder even thinking about it) and drank that. Meantime my mom stopped by with some bourbon (my favorite) so I wanted a huge glass of that. My husband warned me about mixing but I assured him I would be fine. I was NOT fine. I got drunk for the first time in my life, almost had alcohol poisoning and had my first hangover. It cured me for 13 years.
Fast forward to 2001. I've left one marriage and am in another one. This time I am married to a raging alcoholic who is mean. I am living out of state, swooped up from Texas and taken to Lafayette, LA the DAY I got out of the hospital from having gastric bypass surgery. Being a good little codie, I am convinced that I can love this man sober. I proceed to direct all my time and effort into this. And I fail, miserably. Meanwhile, due to gastric bypass I can no longer use food to stuff my feelings including the rage that I feel at the way he treats me when he is drunk. So finally I decide if you can't beat em join em and decide to drink with him. Due to the surgery I get a buzz very quickly and then it is gone just as quickly. I think this is very cool! I start to drink more and more, testing my limits. No hangovers, no feelings of drunkeness. Just a good buzz, then normal. My tolerance quickly increases. We begin drinking together at bedtime, playing Yahtzee while we drink. Bedtime creeps up earlier and earlier. Then we start drinking during the afternoons on the weekends. He is much smaller than I am and I can pretty soon outdrink him. He falls asleep before me and I continue to drink. We start going through a gallon of Evan Williams every 3 days or so. He starts to question it and I start sneaking drinks.
He becomes more and more abusive. As I continue to lose weight and my self confidence grows I grow tired of his BS. His verbal abuse of myself and my kids has pushed me to my limits and by June of 2001 I am moving back to Houston with a nice little drinking habit. I still don't think I have crossed that line yet because I am not having hangovers, shakes or any consequences from the drinking and I think I could have still stopped at that point.
Once back in Texas my drinking rapidly escalates. Between June 2001 and July 2004 I become so physically dependent on alcohol that I cannot go more than a couple of hours without having alcohol in my system or else withdrawals kick in. I carry it with me everywhere I go and all my mental energy is spent trying to figure out where I can get more or sneak my next drink to try and maintain a normal appearance until I can get off somewhere alone and finish it off right. I miss many days from work from being so sick from being so drunk. I go for days without being able to eat. I have the utilities shut off repeatedly and even have eviction proceedings started against me for the first time ever. I make horrible choices in relationships and friendships and associate with a much lower class of people than I ever did before so that I don't feel so bad about my own behaviors. I am now no stranger to alcohol poisoning. My kidneys are not working properly, I am bloated constantly. My liver hurts all the time and yet in the face of all that I cannot quit. I grow sick of the taste of alcohol but by this time alcohol has me by the throat and I must have it. I have put both of my kids through h*ll. One moves out and in with her dad because she has that option, the other is stuck with me. Fortunately for them, my mom (a huge codie) agreed to let us move back home to try to keep things as stable for the kids as possible.
July 4th weekend in 2004 I spent in a blackout. My mom comes in July 6th to see if I am going to work. I ask her what day it is. She has had enough and basically does a one person intervention on me. By this time I know I am an alcoholic. I have made a few meetings to get her off my back but not because I have a desire to quit. She has left the Big Book out and I've started reading it. I've read about all the ways people have tried to control their drinking and realized I have tried to do all those things. I thought because I only drank for 3.5 years that I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic UNTIL I read the part in the Big Book about the person who starts drinking and is dead within 4 years.
By the time she did this intervention on me on 7/6/04 I was ready to listen and agreed to go to a meeting that night. She took me to a ladies meeting at what is now my home group. I remember very little about that meeting because by that time I was in full blown withdrawals. I remember talking, crying, my mom sitting beside me. I remember a little lady in a wheelchair (who interestingly enough became my mother in law last year LOL!) speaking to me and ladies sharing their stories with me although I don't remember names or details. I remember not feeling condemned but like they actually understood what I was going through. I remember getting a desire chip and them telling me to keep coming back. I did keep coming back.
I lasted 4 days until I drank again. It took me 28 days to quit again but I continued to go to meetings during that time. I developed friendships in the group and wanted so desperately what I saw in members there. Watching them and listening to their stories as well as spending time with members both in and outside of meetings gave me a tiny hope that if it worked for them then maybe, just maybe it could work for me too.
On August 8, 2004 I picked up what I pray was my last desire chip. I have worked the steps of the program and continue to work them. I have held offices within my group and am a sponsor but the biggest and best thing that I have ever been in my home group is just another sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
In closing I would like to share my favorite part of the Big Book which can be found on the top of page 100 in the Fourth Edition. It reads as follows: "Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!"
Thank you for letting me share,
Kellye
My story is a little different (or at least I like to think it is LOL!) Alcohol was not my initial drug of choice. Food was. I had all the thinking and mentality of an alcoholic, having the infamous hole inside of me that I tried to fill with various things including food, men, and eventually alcohol. The feelings of never feeling like I belonged, that I was less than those around me or that I was different. I just went at trying to stuff those feelings in a different way.
I grew up with a very strong and vocal grandmother who I worshiped. My uncle was the family alcoholic and she was constantly pulling him out of scrapes so I was well aware of alcohol and what it could do to people. My grandmother drilled it into my head that alcoholism runs in families, that we had a family drunk and if I knew what was best for me I would stay far away from alcohol. Since I was a big girl and didn't have much of a social life I didn't get into the party scene that most teenagers do. The friends I had were rather sheltered like I was. It wasn't until I moved in with a cousin who was 10 years older than me when I was 19 that I really started going to bars. Even then I went mainly to dance and usually just drank coke. She would have a bottle of bourbon (which became my drink of choice) with her and would take a couple of swigs before going in because she was cheap and didn't like paying the price of the bar drinks. Eventually I would take a couple of swigs with her. It got to where we were going out almost every night and I was drinking almost every night but never enough to even get tipsy because I could not stand the feeling of being out of control of myself. Still my grandmothers words rang in my head so I quit drinking which was no problem. I had not crossed the line - nor come anywhere near it.
A couple years later I met my first husband and he was a pothead. Our first date was my first time to ever even see the stuff. I played around with it but once again it was not for me due to paranoia and the feelings of being out of control. It is hard to enjoy yourself when your primary thought is if judgement day were to happen right that moment you would go to hell for being high. I did start to drink a little with him though. The night of my 23rd birthday is one I will NEVER forget. I had a huge glass mixed with fuzzy navel (I shudder even thinking about it) and drank that. Meantime my mom stopped by with some bourbon (my favorite) so I wanted a huge glass of that. My husband warned me about mixing but I assured him I would be fine. I was NOT fine. I got drunk for the first time in my life, almost had alcohol poisoning and had my first hangover. It cured me for 13 years.
Fast forward to 2001. I've left one marriage and am in another one. This time I am married to a raging alcoholic who is mean. I am living out of state, swooped up from Texas and taken to Lafayette, LA the DAY I got out of the hospital from having gastric bypass surgery. Being a good little codie, I am convinced that I can love this man sober. I proceed to direct all my time and effort into this. And I fail, miserably. Meanwhile, due to gastric bypass I can no longer use food to stuff my feelings including the rage that I feel at the way he treats me when he is drunk. So finally I decide if you can't beat em join em and decide to drink with him. Due to the surgery I get a buzz very quickly and then it is gone just as quickly. I think this is very cool! I start to drink more and more, testing my limits. No hangovers, no feelings of drunkeness. Just a good buzz, then normal. My tolerance quickly increases. We begin drinking together at bedtime, playing Yahtzee while we drink. Bedtime creeps up earlier and earlier. Then we start drinking during the afternoons on the weekends. He is much smaller than I am and I can pretty soon outdrink him. He falls asleep before me and I continue to drink. We start going through a gallon of Evan Williams every 3 days or so. He starts to question it and I start sneaking drinks.
He becomes more and more abusive. As I continue to lose weight and my self confidence grows I grow tired of his BS. His verbal abuse of myself and my kids has pushed me to my limits and by June of 2001 I am moving back to Houston with a nice little drinking habit. I still don't think I have crossed that line yet because I am not having hangovers, shakes or any consequences from the drinking and I think I could have still stopped at that point.
Once back in Texas my drinking rapidly escalates. Between June 2001 and July 2004 I become so physically dependent on alcohol that I cannot go more than a couple of hours without having alcohol in my system or else withdrawals kick in. I carry it with me everywhere I go and all my mental energy is spent trying to figure out where I can get more or sneak my next drink to try and maintain a normal appearance until I can get off somewhere alone and finish it off right. I miss many days from work from being so sick from being so drunk. I go for days without being able to eat. I have the utilities shut off repeatedly and even have eviction proceedings started against me for the first time ever. I make horrible choices in relationships and friendships and associate with a much lower class of people than I ever did before so that I don't feel so bad about my own behaviors. I am now no stranger to alcohol poisoning. My kidneys are not working properly, I am bloated constantly. My liver hurts all the time and yet in the face of all that I cannot quit. I grow sick of the taste of alcohol but by this time alcohol has me by the throat and I must have it. I have put both of my kids through h*ll. One moves out and in with her dad because she has that option, the other is stuck with me. Fortunately for them, my mom (a huge codie) agreed to let us move back home to try to keep things as stable for the kids as possible.
July 4th weekend in 2004 I spent in a blackout. My mom comes in July 6th to see if I am going to work. I ask her what day it is. She has had enough and basically does a one person intervention on me. By this time I know I am an alcoholic. I have made a few meetings to get her off my back but not because I have a desire to quit. She has left the Big Book out and I've started reading it. I've read about all the ways people have tried to control their drinking and realized I have tried to do all those things. I thought because I only drank for 3.5 years that I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic UNTIL I read the part in the Big Book about the person who starts drinking and is dead within 4 years.
By the time she did this intervention on me on 7/6/04 I was ready to listen and agreed to go to a meeting that night. She took me to a ladies meeting at what is now my home group. I remember very little about that meeting because by that time I was in full blown withdrawals. I remember talking, crying, my mom sitting beside me. I remember a little lady in a wheelchair (who interestingly enough became my mother in law last year LOL!) speaking to me and ladies sharing their stories with me although I don't remember names or details. I remember not feeling condemned but like they actually understood what I was going through. I remember getting a desire chip and them telling me to keep coming back. I did keep coming back.
I lasted 4 days until I drank again. It took me 28 days to quit again but I continued to go to meetings during that time. I developed friendships in the group and wanted so desperately what I saw in members there. Watching them and listening to their stories as well as spending time with members both in and outside of meetings gave me a tiny hope that if it worked for them then maybe, just maybe it could work for me too.
On August 8, 2004 I picked up what I pray was my last desire chip. I have worked the steps of the program and continue to work them. I have held offices within my group and am a sponsor but the biggest and best thing that I have ever been in my home group is just another sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
In closing I would like to share my favorite part of the Big Book which can be found on the top of page 100 in the Fourth Edition. It reads as follows: "Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!"
Thank you for letting me share,
Kellye
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
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If you are full of booze and you are willing to know something Greater than yourself you too can recover. There is special magic to recovery. A new life is available to any who know they have drank all they need drink that hope remains in the loving arms of a loving Higher Power who heals and leads and loves.
It was the impossible that was made poossible in my life. It can be yours as well.
Ron
It was the impossible that was made poossible in my life. It can be yours as well.
Ron
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