least

I am very new to recovery and only 34 days sober today. I do have one thing keeping me sober each day that I didn't have before: I want to stay sober much more than I ever wanted or needed to drink.

I am living one day at a time and am learning as I go along. I am thankful to God and His angels on earth who support me in my sobriety.

This can be done. I'm proof of that!

BP44

Thanks for this thread, Rufus. I've been contemplating this particular thread since it was introduced in the 12 step forum, and how I could post a reply that has depth and weight, yet be concise. I am a member of Alcoholic's Anonymous in good standing today. I say that with gratitude and pride. Because there was a day when I didn't know what that meant, nor did I care. I found myself a 28 year old guy in 1991 in a treatment center because I could not stop drinking, no matter how many promises I had made, nor warnings given, nor consequences received. I was a newly graduated Physician Assistant and in my first year could not hold down a job due to my alcoholism. You know the warning, " If you come in here like this one more time, we're going to have to let you go". Well I might as well have started looking, cause I was gonna come in here looking like this one more time. Over and over again. I had a long list of consequences from the previous 12 years of drinking that pointed to a problem with alcoholism. I keep up with the DUIs by counties, a string of car wrecks, multiple lost jobs. In treatment they recommended AA, in fact my very first AA meeting was attended in the treatment facility. They recommened a home group and a sponsor. Now my impression was that AA was a place for people to get therapy, some kind of uplift when things weren't going the way I wanted. And the proposals made by temp sponsors were a bit drastic. I thought that if I just didn't drink, all would be well and I stayed sober for a year and a half. A weekend bender led to another visit to the treatment center, another lost job, and a new sobriety date. I had a newer resolve. I had less resistance than before and less defiance with the treatment facility. In my initial treatment I had been discharged from the 3/4 house for failing to adhere to an "anger contract". ( I threatened my roomate for snoring). I still had plenty of resistance to AA, although for a period of time I had a sponsor and a home group, and made a beginning on step work. As I look back, my first step was not complete. Because it only focused on consequences. I was unable to see unmanageability for what it was complete and utter defeat with alcohol and without. I could only see defeat with alcohol. Surrender was not there. I stayed sober longer this time and my life circumstances improved. Got married, career took off, bought a house etc. Slowly but surely I felt less "need" for AA and after about 2 years I was pretty much separated from AA. Again, I wanted to pretty much just not drink, and I, the great I AM, would manage everything else. I spent a lot of time analysing why I picked up a drink at 7 years. And it really boils down to Fred's story. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. I was not spiritually fit. I had not awoken that morning with the notion that I was going to drink that day. I was out of town doing some contract work. By the time I sat down at a restaurant, my mind said that a little Jack Daniels would go down well with my steak. When I met my sponsor for the first time and I get to this part of my story he asked if I ordered some milk with it. It was only supposed to last one night. And, of course, it would be different this time, afterall, I had been sober for quite some time. That was sometime in 2000. My last drink was on 2/6/2005 on Super Bowl Sunday. When I emerged from a blackout my wife said she couldn't live like this any longer, and I had to concede that I couldn't either. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, I understand, I have experience with it. It was not enough to get me back to AA. It took a series of events(God stuff) separated from a drink to pull me back into the rooms. I was done. I finally had the epiphany that we all need. I could not live drunk, and I could not live sober on my own power. I knew I was done when I walked into what is now my home group. Within a couple of weeks I hooked up with my sponsor(a God story there). It was not long before he let me know that I had never been in recovery. If I didn't stay, he would find another alcoholic to work with. He suggested that we begin at the title page of the Big Book and move from there and do everything it asks us to do. He also suggested that if my last drink was indeed on 2/6/05 that it was a legitimate date, but that he suggested that I pick up chips that year. So, I reset my sobriety date to when I came back home 3/26/07. We went through the process. My first step experience was so powerful and critical that it's considerations left me no option, but to move forward. Steps 2-12 are not about 2-12, they are about my experience in step 1. I need POWER. Steps 2-12 are about getting power. The only reason I'm going to do inventory is because of what I saw in step 1. Step 1 has to be current. The only reason I'm going to work with the disciplines of 10 and 11 are for my need to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I need power, and it must be current. I cannot live off of an old experience, I must continue to grow. The only reason I'm going to take 3 calls back to back in an otherwise busy work day from whining sponsees is because of what I saw in step 1. This is what it takes to keep BP44 in fit spiritual condition. Today my life is full. I am heavily involved in my home group. I hold a trusted service position and I sponsor several men. I have no idea where God is taking me. I made a decision, take me and do with me what you will, I don't care what it looks like. So far, this is what it looks like. All I know is that whatever God has in mind for me is consistently better than anything I might have in mind for myself. It has been proven over and over again. Hope with a track record. It started out as a seemingly flimsy reed. I've gotten long winded. If you are alcoholic, you don't ever have to drink again. We do not offer a pain free life, but you don't ever have to experience the pain that brought you inot the rooms. If you are able and willing to submit to a way of life other than your own, your life will get better.

RufusACanal

Thank you BP44 and least, your contributions are awesome. Alcoholics linger in the depths of their own fashioning. It is my hope that those who read your experience, your strength and your hope will find hope enough to stand up and cast off the nets of despair and powerlessness. Hope brought me to God, hope brought me the courage to stand up and take the chance of a new life and make it real. Hope returned gives me strength to be honest when a lie would seem easier. There is hope as long as we breathe and a new life is available to anyone.

laurie6781

Yes, A NEW LIFE.

Didn't know it would be a new life. Took my alcoholism to the very end. Dr was putting the TOD on my chart when my heart started on it's own. Now mind you, this same Dr had restarted me, many times that day. I had started seizuring when my BAC had gotten down to .38 and my body was craving MORE. For some reason I was given a SECOND CHANCE.

When I left the hospital I went to a Recovery Home For Alcoholic Women that had LOTS OF RULES. Not only in sharing in all the chores, had to get a job, attend the 3 meetings a week in the house and 5 outside meetings a week and get a sponsor.

At somewhere between 2 and 3 months I started getting those "thoughts" ie, 'you weren't that bad', 'all you needed was some rest and good food and to get off the streets', 'this time will be different', etc which gave me a pretty good clue that I hadn't really worked, nor was I living Step 1.

I started to understand (no I didn't go back out) that I had to understand to the vwery deepest core of my being that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was totally unmanageable and had been for a VERY LONG TIME. I also came to understand that Step 1 is the FOUNDATION that all the other steps are built on, and I had better be damn sure that foundation was made of granite and concrete and not sand.

I also resented for a while those that were coming into the program with 'stuff' left. You know jobs, cars, homes, families, until I realized that they had a harder time than I did of ACCEPTING that in fact they were powerless over alcohol and that their lives also were unmanageable.

A NEW LIFE, you betcha!!!! By working those steps and then living them One Day At A Time, I have done things in my life I never believed were possible. I had always wanted to go to Australia, well.......................................I've been 13 times in recovery for as long as 8 weeks at a time. I started a completely new career and got my LPN at 45 years old.

I have met some of the most wonderful folks a person could ever want to know over these last 27+ years, I have some of the dearest friends that anyone would want to have. I have learned unconditional love. I have my dear fur babies, and on and on and on.

Embracing Recovery definitely gave me A NEW LIFE. A life I wouldn't change for a Billion dollars. But don't get me wrong. It was not easy. Recovery was the HARDEST thing I have ever attempted in my life! It takes COMMITMENT, DEDICATION, HARD WORK,and FUN TOO. The REWARDS are PRICELESS and it all starts with STEP 1.

You too can have a life you never dreamed was possible, starting with Step 1. Get that step down to the very CORE OF YOUR BEING, with NO DOUBTS left and you will be on your way to a BEAUTIFUL NEW LIFE.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LosingmyMisery

A new life, indeed. I never thought my life could be this calm, this manageable, this peaceful. I have my fair share of problems to deal with. The difference being, this time around, I cope with life and its challenges sober.

I was filled with anger and resentment. I couldn't get through the day without a drink. I drank every day, all day, and into the wee hours of the night/morning. If I wasn't passed out, I was drinking. I was literally a slave to my disease. I was trapped in a living hell, hating every second of it, but I couldn't make it out of the viscous cycle. I didn't know how. I tried many times and failed miserably. I suffered from severe anxiety and panic. I couldn't function without a drink. It had gotten to the point that I needed a drink just to feel normal. I remember the moment the thought literally crossed my mind. What would it be like to feel normal again? I just want to feel normal.

I couldn't work. I had lost job after job. It was a slow decline or did it happen quickly? I don't know. One minute it seemed as I was able to function, then it had gotten to the point I couldn't function, period. I was unemployed and unemployable. I suffered great embarrassment and shame from my decline. I will never understand how all this had happened to me. I now realize I am not unique. I am merely another victim of the disease. It is not prejudice and will bring anyone down to meet their demise. I realize that drinking is my choice, but never in a million years could I ever imagine where it would lead me. My drinking hurt my family, my children and my friends. I believe my drinking was only hurting myself. I was wrong. Alcoholism is a selfish disease. Once I quit feeding the disease it all became very clear to me. I lived in one big delusion trying to create an illusion I could never achieve. I chased it for many years, but could never achieve the results I wanted. Talk about insanity, but yet I kept up with the crazy charade.

I feared death. I knew I would die by my own hand. Death is a huge motivator. I was suffering from severe depression, but through the haze, I knew I didn't want to die. I reached out for help and stepped waaaay outside of my comfort zone. I attended AA and the program and I didn't see eye to eye from the git go. I persevered and it wasn't easy. I truly believed that the program should change to meet my likes, my needs and my beliefs. In time, I knew that was not reasonable. I overlooked my dislikes and focused on getting well. I didn't succeed at first, but each time I knew I must try harder or I would die.

I did the work and worked on understanding the program. I tried to focus on what could help me instead of what I didn't like about the program. I did my fair share of fighting it along the way. I really don't understand why. The program saved my life. It has changed it for the better. I no longer attend AA for personal reasons, but I still give credit where credit is due. I was absolutely ignorant to sobriety and recovery. I only knew how to get drunk. Finding sobriety was a huge challenge and I am grateful for the accomplishment. To me, finding a solution is nothing short of a miracle. I was so hopeless, so broken and so lost. I sold my soul for a bottle. In time, I earned it back, only this time around, it is better. It has found resolve.

I knew I had a great deal of work to do in the social aspect. Rebuilding trust and relationships was going to be difficult. I had lied and lost all trust from others. Drinking has a way of doing that. My anger and my resentment no longer eat me alive. I would stew and rehash the past. I always brought the ugliness to the surface and would never let it settle. I looked at life in the negative and never allowed any positive to seep through. My mind was closed and I knew what I knew. Looking back, I can't believe that was who I was. Today, my out look on life is like night and day. I'm happy to leave all that negative behind me. I had no idea that my life could turn around like it has. Not only am I sober, the symptoms of my disease have been addressed and I have moved forward leaving the past behind me. It will always be a part of who I am, but I can move away from it and draw from it if I need to. I never want to close the door to it. I never want to forget what my life can be if I make wrong choices, but I can surely rise above it.

I have been at the same job coming up on 4 years. This means a great deal to me after losing many jobs from drinking. I couldn't get employment for a few years following my decline. My goal was to gain back trust and show that I am a valuable employee. I am now responsible, reliable and dependable. I work hard at this. Unless you throw it all away, no one can understand how meaningful these characteristics can be. To me, these characteristic have more value than anything money can buy. You can not place any monetary value on them.

I have found peace and joy. I truly believed this was something unattainable to me. I find joy in the simplest of things. I like to keep life simple. After reaching the point where I am today, I can fully understand the true meaning of gratitude. This comes from being at such a low point and rising above. I have allowed my mind to open up. Closing the door is closing the door to new opportunities. My mind can allow me to do anything. It can also hold me back from being where I need to be. I want to keep moving forward. I can't do that if I refuse to open up my mind. If I start to allow things to eat at me. I immediately recognize this and start asking myself, why? I work on working through issues. Before, every problem was met with a drink. At the end of the bottle, nothing had been resolved, but the problem had grown.

Happiness is a state of mind. Some days are harder than others, but I can get through the difficult times if I have faith, hope and I face my challenges sober. If I allow myself to believe, for one moment, that a drink will help solve my problems, I will lose it all. I will lose everything I have fought so hard to gain back. I'm not willing to let it go. I will not fall backward. I can only move forward. I believe this is a survival instinct that has been instilled in me. I felt death in the room with me. It was patiently waiting, watching, hovering as I diligently worked on destroying every ounce of my being.

I will fight for my life and I will survive. There is a solution and a better way of life. I am one of the lucky ones and have found it. If I can do it, anyone can. Never give up and never quit fighting. After failing a million times, today may be the day where you ultimately succeed one day at a time. If you want it bad enough you can achieve it! Believe in it and it is yours!

findingout

What a bunch of good responses. Other people in recovery make me glad I'm in recovery.

My experience was pretty much along the lines of the old chestnut "Came. Came to. Came to believe." After 25 years of drinking and using other drugs, I found myself facing a choice between entering treatment or seeking employment elsewhere. Although for most of the last year, I had been drinking every day, in morning most days, sometimes at lunch to get through the last three hours of work, I didn't want to stop drinking. I didn't even really want to cut down on my drinking.

Honestly, I entered treatment to get some breathing room. I didn't expect to find recovery. I wanted a certificate of sobriety to satisfy my employers. I did stop drinking and didn't start again. I was never completely honest with anyone else about how bad my drinking had gotten until I was done with the six weeks of treatment but I didn't drink. About three weeks into treatment, I was able to be honest with myself. One evening, the treatment center handed out a worksheet (I think there's some official name for it) that listed the stages of alcoholism. For the first time ever, I stopped trying to hide my drinking from myself and got almost to the end of the sheet before I could say "Well, that's never happened to me." The end of the sheet was death.

I went to my first N.A. meeting because there was a beautiful woman in my treatment program who asked me to go. I never expected to go back. Something happened after I took my white surrender key tag (mostly because everybody was doing it) and sat at my first table. I guess you could call it a spiritual awakening although I think my spiritual awakening happened about 6 months later at an A.A. table. In any case, I found couldn't lie to the other people sitting there. Also, I left the meeting feeling better than when I came in. So I went back.

I didn't get sober to find a higher power. I never had one before and I didn't know why anyone would want one. If I had any thoughts about spirituality at all, they centered around the far out, the wacky, and the hypocritical examples I knew about from television. I never knew anyone who actually had a relationship with a higher power who wasn't somebody I didn't want to be. If I gave any thought at all to a higher power, I guess I would have said, as C.S. Lewis wrote in "Mere Christianity", that God was somebody who went around looking to see if anyone was having any fun and putting a stop to it. I didn't know any better and I saw no reason to change until I started attending A.A. on a regular basis. It was only though listening to other people talk about their experience and their faith that I was able to see the hole in my life that I had been trying to fill with alcohol and other drugs. And the shocking thing (to me at least) was that very few of these people were telling me that I had to believe exactly as they did. They were not trying to convert me. They were just sharing what happened to them.

I don't recall anybody telling me that all I had to do was go to meetings. What I do remember is my new friend Lou telling me what people told him, "If you want what we have, would you for God's sakes do what we did to get it." I put that together with what I heard at my first N.A. meeting ("we had have something different and thought we had found it in drugs." ) and made a decision that not only did these A.A. people have something different but it was something I wanted. So I did what they did to the best of my ability at the time I did it. I changed. I changed inside. The longer I did it, the more I changed. I liked it, so I kept doing it.

I had this fear that A.A. would change me into something I didn't want to be. I don't know exactly how I thought that would happen, but I did have that fear. I have found out that I can only become what I want to be and I don't have to be all things to all people all the time at the expense of not being anything at all.

Also, I can stand in line at the grocery store without experiencing a panic attack. Which is actually a bigger deal than you might think

LosingmyMisery

Yes! Standing in line at the grocery store was quite a feat. My knees would knock my hands would shake. I could barely write. I don't miss those days.

ANGELINA243

First Step...hmmmm. Let's see--a brief summary of my life. I was a problem drinker by age 18, definitely full-blown alcoholic by age 23. At that time--most (if not all) of my friends consisted of people at the bars I hung out at. Same time, same place--we knew where to find each other, didn't really have to call one another--just show up. Turned on to some "other substances" while hanging out at those bars--I'd say within the past 2 years of my drinking (usually pushed by the bartender). It was a crazy lifestyle being in that environment--fights, guns..etc. But for the "grace of a loving God" I am alive today. I have been hospitalized due to my alcoholism a few times, have been involed in a few car wrecks (either me or someone else was driving impaired), survived a motorcycle accident withiout any protective gear--that I was told was a miracle in itself.

But none of these things got me sober--not even a DWI (which I got about 5 years prior to quitting drinking). No one could stop me--I couldn't stop, not really sure if I wanted to stop really. Part of me felt doomed. I had to be ultimately given the G-O-D (Gift Of Desperation) before I decided to quit, or ask for help (and actually mean itwith every fiber of my being).

I tried the controlled drinking at the bars for the last time Feb 9 (this year). I learned that I am really an alcoholic and that I will never be able to drink like other "normal" non-alcoholic people. I'm not proud of my behavior while "out there". I do believe without going through what I had to go through...and I just listed a few things about myself..that I would not be the productive member of society that I am today. I don't think i would have as good of a relationship with my family, friends, HP, and the rest of society in general had I not had to learn things the hard way.

The 12 Steps and the Fellowship saved my life. They welcomed me with loving, open arms. They loved me until I could love myself. I am currently working the Steps with a great sponsor. I am making amends (Step 9). This program has brought healing to my family. The program works when you work it. Only you can decide if you are ready....are you? What have you got to lose? Thinking about that now--I realize I never lost anything--I gave it all away when I was in my "active" addiction.

There is hope! We are a fellowship of men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Won't you join us?...

Rusty Zipper

i know that it wasn't til i fully understood the real power of step-1...

for me the acceptance part... accepting that i'm a alk'y/adict, and ALL that comes with it... the negative thinking, the self-centeredness, the restlessness, the fears, the angst, the control, the manipualtion, the lies, the stealing, and the ism shopping list goes on and on...

now i fully accept all of this on a daily basis...

accepting is the first big step into not useing when or if the desire strike's...

we talk of working through the rest of step's to help try to change the thinking process of the alcoholic, and that will come from change...

changing old ideas, old reaction's and a new belief in a" power greater than "

the young one's that come in.... do we have to raise the bottom the rest of us had?... of course there are real horror stories... all the warped mind's, the sickness do to usage, the unmanagability of our lives...

jail, institution's... the divorce's, the bill collectors, and most of all...

the unmanagablity of our working mind's...

we see thing's all out of wack, self centered based... me, me, me...

by "Accepting" all of this, does the newcomer, and the people with a little time, have a shot at not picking up...!

all good wishes to the SR Recovery Gang!

blessings

rz

RufusACanal

Lack of Power that was our dilemma! ~ What freedom we each found in the acceptance of our unmanageable lives. If you are new to recovery from Alcoholism or if you have tried and failed to stop drinking, please read the posts from these men and women who have a solution in a new life. I have failed more times than not in my quest to recover; failure is not the end, unless you refuse to stand back up. Life is full of failing; how else would we learn to succeed? Hope is here! Here is the open door to a new life, if you are ready. If you have decided you are full of booze and that you can no longer live alone in your Alcoholism, please read this thread. If you harbor any idea that one day you can drink normally, please do so. This thread is for those folks who have made the decision that Alcohol use and abuse must end permanently. One day at a time, each of these men and women have solved the drink question in their lives, so can you!

Never give up! Ron

maloneshawn32

I drank uncontrollably for years. Always knowing I had a problem but Iwas to selfish and arrogant to change. I convinced my wife I was getting better so we started Invitro and got pregnant. W had two beautiful in Sept. 2006. I still drank and drank. Finally I said enough. The night before deploying to Iraq I bought the AA based book The Gifts Of Sobriety, it changed my life. I brought Christ back into my life and reached out to my fellow Chiefs for help and support. My story is filled with countless ups and downs but this time I am driven to succeed. I want my kids to have a father and daddy they can be proud of. I still have a lot of work to go, a life time of work really but I will not fail. I wake up everyday thanking Christ for walking with me and carrying me when needed. I can't do this alone, I have tried and failed to many times just going of myself. I still need to repair my damaged marriage, my wife supports me but is tired of the deception. I hope and pray everyday that Christ will heal the damage I have done. I hope I haven't burned the last bridge to her but if I have I still won't give up, my children need me to be the best daddy in the world and I can't do that with a twelve pack or a box of wine. I hope this helps someone, the stories of recovery from everyone else have inspired me in ways I can't possibly describe.

Thank you all,

Shawn

RufusACanal

Thank you Shawn!

RufusACanal

If drinking is causing you life problems, you may be one of us. A New Life starts with a decision, the decision to stop drinking. We, members of SR can give you the information necessary to free yourself your the bondage of Alcoholism. All you have to do, is make a decision and follow through, one day at a time. The rewards for your work will be tremendous. Welcome to SR and if I can help. please PM me.

Ron

Tazman53

Shawn thanks for your share, you have helped me and others to stay sober today.

Shawn if you want what others have, do what they do, it is simple actually, folks have walked the path to sobriety ahead of you, all you have to do is reach out your hand and I can assure you that someone will take your hand and show you the way they did it.

maloneshawn32

Thanks Taz,

While I have a bit over four months of sobriety so far I realize I have a long way to go. Thanks for reaching out, I greatly appreciate it.

Shawn

Tazman53

Shawn I hear folks with 20+ years say they still have a ways to go. It is likened to peeling an onion, as we remove one layer another one is exposed. Spiritual progress and not spiritual perfection is what is strived for.

RufusACanal

Sometimes my enthusiam gets the best of me; if I have PM'ed you, asking for your ESH for the newcomer by posting to this thread and my request made you uncomfortable, my apologies.

doorknob

Yo, no worries here.. but I'm one of those who has struggled and is still struggling with sobriety, so that's why I didn't post. But hey, I'm flattered that you thought otherwise!

DK

Jersey Nonny

My name is Rae, and I'm an alcoholic.

It's been a little over five years since I spoke those words at an AA meeting...way too long when you consider that phrase absolutely defined me for the previous 20 years! Because of increasing ill health, I've been unable to attend meetings as I had...and, I do miss them! I had been very active in my group, going out on speaking commitments at least once or twice a month...so, let's see how easily it all comes back to me:

Alcohol entered the picture when I turned 16...along with cigarettes, and sexual activity! Compared to many of my peers, I was actually a "late bloomer"...probably because Mom and my strict Italian stepfather tried to keep such a tight rein on me. Already rebelling, alcohol gave me the false courage to go even further over the line...now there were beer parties in our apartment between the hours of 7:00 and 10:00. Nothing like having every drinking, smoking teenager in the neighborhood know the parents weren't at home...I became very popular!

The legal drinking age was 21; but, my girlfriends and I never had any trouble getting served...some makeup, hair up in a French twist, and high heels "borrowed" from Mom's closet easily added another five years. There were many enablers...I soon learned to flirt and become friendly with bartenders, bar owners, and band members. My friends and I became bar band groupies, following our favorites all over New Jersey. There were also frequent bus rides into the jazz clubs of Greenwich Village, New York, often getting home well after midnight...this did not set well with my mother or stepfather, and things were getting very tense at home; but, the fun times were worth incurring their wrath.

I was 17 when I graduated from high school and stopped at my favorite local cocktail lounge on the way home. At 3:30 in the afternoon, there were only three people there...the owner, the bartender, and a Newark cop, all of whom signed my yearbook and bought me congratulatory drinks! Remember, the legal drinking age was 21...did I mention I had enablers?

My first job was as a $30./week file clerk in one of the many insurance companies located in downtown Newark. It was enough money to pay board, buy my own clothes, and still have plenty left over for weekend bar-hopping...money went a lot further in "the good old days". That summer, began the really fun drinking at The Shore, where my friends and I would rent a room on the weekends at one of the many rooming houses. Although the drinking had increased, it hadn't become a problem yet.

That same year, I met the man who was to become my first husband. He was five years older, came from a very unhappy family background, and he proposed after just a few months of dating. I immediately saw a way of getting out from under the control of my parents, away from the constant babysitting...to become "independent"...so, of course, I accepted...and we were married when I was just 19. Big, big mistake...for both of us! I soon found out you don't become independent when you get married; and, now instead of parental control, I was having to deal with a husband who thought nothing of punching me when he found out he couldn't control me. He wasn't an alcoholic...I never ever saw him drunk...but, he had other issues.

The arguments became more frequent and more violent...especially if I had been drinking...because, of course, I would remind him of his "inadequacies". After one particularly severe beating, I sought refuge with my nextdoor neighbor. When I came home from work the next day, he had packed all of this belongings and moved out.

I wasted no time filing for a divorce, and took advantage of my newfound freedom to spend as much time as possible in any one of the "watering holes" conveniently within the four-block area of my apartment. I was sitting at the bar one evening, and in walked "husband number two", while my divorce proceedings had just barely gotten underway. We met in a bar and spent the next 22 years in many, many bars! Just three months after we met and started dating, I became pregnant...confirming what I already was sure of...I was not barren, as my first husband had tried to make me believe! When I finally did go to court, I had given birth to one son and was pregnant with the second! But, we were finally able to make it legal, even though we had been living together as husband and wife for almost two years.

It's difficult not to include "war stories", since our home was more often than not a battleground. We were married, but he was still living a single life. The longer he stayed out, the angrier I became...the angrier I became, the more I drank. By the time he finally walked in the door, all hell broke loose! Whenever I could get a babysitter, hubby and I would go out drinking together; but, the end result was usually pretty much the same. If the drunken argument didn't start in the bar, it would start on the way home and escalate as soon as we got indoors. To his credit, I must say he never raised a hand to me except when he had been drinking, and he didn't drink every night. And, it wasn't all terrible...there were plenty of good times, too. Seven years after our second son was born, we had a little girl. We had an active family life; but, no matter what we did, alcohol was always included! I don't think we would have done anything if we couldn't drink while doing it.

About 22 years into the marriage, I suspected he was cheating. When I actually caught him with her, he moved out. We sold our house, the two boys went on their own, and my daughter and I moved to a small apartment. In an effort to try to do something worthwhile with my life, I enrolled in college courses. What a joke! I would go to daytime classes hung over, and stop at the Student Pub for a few quick ones before night classes. I would stop on my way home from work "just to unwind", and become so unwound I could hardly stand up. I had become a falling down, sloppy drunk...something I had often berated my husband for being. That was the year I used my entire four week vacation, 15 sick days, and 3 personal days on all the Mondays I simply couldn't make it into work after every "lost weekend".

On a November morning in 1977, as I was getting into my car to go to work, a woman skidded on wet leaves and hit my car, pinning me in a standing position. My jaw was fractured and my legs severely lacerated. After a week in the hospital, I came home with my jaw wired shut, and supposedly confined to the house for the next nine weeks. Although the accident wasn't alcohol related, my recovery definitely was, because a little fractured jaw wasn't going to curtail my nightlife; and, my liquid diet consisted of a lot of chablis. Sitting at the bar while drinking wine through a straw wasn't bad; but, smoking must have looked a bit bizarre as I tried to blow the smoke back out through the wires!
After daily drinking, when I returned to work in January of 1978, I started going through my own mid-life crisis, dating men much younger than myself.

My progression accelerated...I would have denied ever drinking on the job; but, we had a lot of wine and cheese parties at work (many of them organized by me). The left-over wine would be stored in my office supply cabinet; and, while others were having a coffee break, I would have a little chablis break in a styrofoam coffee cup.

It was about this time, I had a brainstorm, and decided to go to Al-Anon Meetings. My husband had quit drinking two years before, and I wanted to understand "his problem" when we reconciled. You see, I always knew he had a problem...I just thought that he was my problem...and, though he and "that woman" had been living together for a couple of years, I decided to try to get him back. So, I asked a nephew who was in AA to take me to Al-Anon Meetings. Along the way, I also went to some AA Meetings with him. Lo and behold, I was identifying and feeling more comfortable with the people in AA than those in Al-Anon. I decided to try to quit drinking.

One night after a meeting, as several of us were having coffee at a diner, someone in the group was talking about a recent trip to Europe. One of my dreams was to travel to Europe, but I couldn't imagine doing it without drinking wine in Italy and France, beer in England and Ireland, etc. As the tears started streaming down my face, and all eyes were on me, I sobbed, "I should feel better now that I'm not drinking; but, I feel worse." My nephew asked me how long it had been; and, when I told him just a couple of days, they realized I was going through withdrawal. After a quick call to Mountainside Hospital detox center, I was admitted for a ten day stay.

I learned a lot and wish I could say my recovery was an immediate success; but, I guess I just wasn't quite ready. Besides, I completely ignored the "strong suggestion" of no relationships within the first year, and developed a rehab romance with one of the male patients in the detox unit! As we strolled the hospital corridors hand in hand, the nurses and doctors just shook their heads in disbelief. Needless to say, four months later he was drunk, I was drinking and back in the hospital for what I hope and pray was my last detox. That was almost 29 years ago.

When I completely surrendered and began making as many as 10 meetings a week, slowly but surely I started to recover. But, I still harbored resentments against my husband and his woman. My sponsor and others suggested that I pray for them, to which I usually responded, "Pray for them!?! F--- them!!!" And, still the anger festered...so, I finally decided to take the suggestion. The best I could do was to pray that God would help them to stay sober...what do you know, it worked! I made my amends to him by giving him his freedom...my court date for the divorce was on my 90 days, very near to what would have been our 25th Wedding Anniversary. My sponsor went with me for moral support.

The oldest of my four grandchildren was born two months after I quit drinking, and I now have a three year old great granddaughter...I'm so grateful none of them have ever known me as an active alcoholic.

least

I am so grateful for the ESH shared here. It strengthens my resolve to stay sober by reading of others' struggles and solutions.

I am so grateful to be on day 40 of my New Life!

Thank you to everyone here for helping me stay sober!

:ghug