beach101

Here goes! I’ve been ‘lurking’ for awhile now, and thank you and congratulations are in order! Thank you for all the advice and candor and congratulations for all the accomplishments that have been made.

My drinking history: Most recently I’ve had ‘episodes’ in that I have found myself in situations that are not safe for me and sometimes not safe for others. For those around me, I’ve driven while intoxicated; this is not a typical characteristic of my drinking – I’ll leave a car and cab it or stay over, this wasn’t an issue until recently - I figured when it took a few minutes to remember how I got home, then there definitely is an issue; fortunately, no one was hurt. The situations I’ve found myself in that may not be the safest are: blackouts, being left at a bar with people I don’t know (several times), driving, walking home on a not-so-safe hwy, oh – did I mention blackouts?? My friends and I don’t drink normally, or at least it’s more evident to me it’s not normal. I don’t wake up and drink, I don’t obsess about it (well, until recently), I don’t feel an urgency to drink, in fact, I’ve been known to pour a glass of wine and fall asleep before taking a sip, I’m able to drink one glass and go home, and I’ve gone weeks (without trying) without drinking and not caring, I’ve volunteered many football games to be the sober driver, and been in fact sober driving. You go to the beach, you have a cooler of beer; you go to football games, bring a cooler of beer, celebrations (everything is a celebration), you drink wine or whatever. I grew-up learning that more is better, so more became the norm. Not that I’m blaming anyone for my inability to control myself, it’s just the way it is. You bring a 12-pack to the beach, for yourself. You bring 2 bottles of wine to gatherings – for yourself. That’s how it is. My problem (besides the obvious), is sometimes, I don’t *know* when to stop; it’s not that I can’t stop after one, 2 out of 5 times I just don’t have the inclination to stop (I enjoy it). That’s when I’m find myself in the situations.

So, I’ve decided to give myself a break from drinking and I’ve talked with a substance abuse counselor. Although, I don’t have a time line or goals, I’ve just decided that if there is potential for ‘episodes’ (I don’t know what else to call it), then it’s best for me and those around not to drink. I don’t know my future for drinking, but I do know that I am ok right now with NOT drinking, so why bother, right? Sure, I miss drinking a beer while doing yard work, but if I rationalize the one time, then I’m sure I could find a way to rationalize another time, which could end up being an ‘episode’.

What brings me here today is this weekend: I’m bringing a group down to the beach and I know there will be drinking. The not drinking isn’t the hard part; the hard part to me is dealing with “where’s you drink? Why aren’t you drinking? What are you drinking this weekend?” Although, it’s pretty obvious I’m a lush – they don’t see anything abnormal about my drinking; this kills me. In the last month, I’ve noticed how prevalent alcohol is and how important it is to so many people – the waitress harassed me for getting lemonade at dinner when everyone else got martinis. Seriously??? I know my group is ok with people not drinking; it’s just the responding to the questions when they shouldn’t care who is or who isn’t drinking. I guess I’m embarrassed I can’t handle my liquor and more importantly the way I’ve acted, but at the same time, I don’t want to talk about (denial or just not acknowleding is working well right now). If I have whatever I’m drinking in a red cup, then no questions asked because they assume, but if I have it in a clear cup, they ask where’s my drink? As I’m writing this, I realize this sounds so trivial compared to what so many have overcome, but this is what I worry about as the weekend approaches. I understand when you’re used to see me drink and wasted, it’s definitely different to see my not drinking and sober.

I know they will support me regardless of my decisions, we’ve had other people in our group quit drinking as well, I just don’t know if I’m ready for confession time (although they probably know more than me!).

Wow – this is long! Thanks for listening!

Tazman53

If you keep a soda or tea in your hand that will eleminate 95% of folks asking why you are not drinking.

I had a nick name in my old neighborhood, I was refered to as "The one armed man because I always had a beer in my hand. Funny thing, but when I quit drinking no one really noticed or cared, the only one that seemed to care was me!!! That includes my old drinking buds, as long as they had thier drink they could care less if I wasn't drinking.

1963comet

Hello and Welcome to SR

Hey, your friends might just respect you for not drinking.

When I first quit I wanted everyone to quit. But not everyone had the same troubles as myself. I had to learn to care about myself, and not go by what others thought of me if I did not drink.

beach101

Thank you both for your comments - some know of my decision, and again, are very supportive and will abstain from asking, but it's the others that I'm not that close to, that I don't talk to daily, or even weekly.

You're right - I have come to realize that essentially they don't care what you do, they worry about their own drink. I think I'm being overly sensitive and paranoid to my own issues and observations. I notice everything now (and remember!!).

I've been secluding myself from alot of people recently, to rsist temptations and to get my head straight, so maybe I'm just not ready to venture out of my coccoon just yet, so this will be good exposure.

Taz - I could give you a team of one-armed men and women - they play volley ball with a drink! Still not clear on we've finished a game with that one!

MyPaperAnchor

Beach101, man I was in your shoes so I totally relate. All my friends drink, and before I got really bad, I'd get ribbed if I didn't have a drink in my hand at the game, the beach, the park, the party, you name it...wherever we went we were drinking.

Eventually for me it go to where the bad episodes began to outnumbered the good, so the opposite became true: I'd get flack if I DID have a drink in my hand. They wanted what's best for me, so they're now totally supportive of my sobriety.

Hope you find what you need here at SR. It's a great resource.

beach101

Thanks, we really do have a good group of friends, I just need to deal with my own insecurities.

I have found that the few times I've been out (went to the beach a couple weeks ago, and that group didn't have a clue I wasn't drinking nor would they care - that was 'my beginning' of awareness where I'd slowed down), I find that I really have a good time sober. I laugh just as much, I remember it, and no headache in the morning!

Ok - I feel better and I can do this - thanks again everyone!

CarolD

I suggest you read more about the disease of alcoholism.
Please check this out...Blackouts are explained on #17.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Welcome to SR!

beingjenagain

For right now I would go with having a colored cup. It may be to early to go into the whole trying to cut back thing. And you may find after the weekend that you need to do more than just cut back.
I have told several friends that I am on a diet. That works for me at the moment. I am just not ready to tell certain people that I am an alcoholic and I may never be. For some it is just none of their buisness.
I truly hope you can just become a social/light drinker but your story sounds a bit suspicios.
Wishing you the best!!

beach101

Thanks for all the support and words of wisdom. Weekend update -
I'm pleased to not have had a drink, and I still had a lot fun. There was a little drama, and I still don't understand why people care if I drink or not. I left the beach early to go back to the house to tidy up and get ready for dinner. This isn't unusual for me; I’m usually the last one on the beach and the first one to leave, so I didn’t think anything of it. Well, one of the couples came to get me and complained that I had left – they thought I had left because everyone was drinking and I couldn’t handle it, which was far from the truth (at this point, they had all figured out I wasn’t drinking). So, I went back with them and took the dogs to the beach and a friend of mine told me ‘we all think you’re stupid for not drinking and we don’t care if you make an ass of yourself’. I was shocked – this coming from someone who just got a DWI 2 weeks ago and hasn’t told anyone. While I know the others wouldn’t feel that way (hopefully), I was just stunned and annoyed. Again – why care what I’m doing, plus why not support ANY cause to better one's self??? I’m offering to drive everyone to dinner, I wasn’t bitter, I hadn’t complained, I hadn’t criticized anyone for doing what they wanted, I was just being me - still loud, still knocked over someone’s drink (I don’t think that’s a good thing). Anyway – I had the talk with the others and all is good, but it was just awkward for a while. The one that called me stupid and has the DWI, was mad that everyone wasn’t as drunk as him, when I pointed out that everyone was, he was happier, but still pouted at the house after dinner – I’m trying not to judge others, but it made my head hurt to hear him talk and whine about others not drinking or not drinking as much.

I am extremely happy I held strong, and I did have a completely dry weekend with lots of crystal light (in dark and light cups). It was surprisingly NOT that hard NOT to drink. The hard part is dealing with the questions, which is very humbling, and now that’s out of the way.

I get to talk to my counselor about the weekend this afternoon.

This coming weekend is girl’s weekend at the beach with my college buds, so this should be just as interesting, but if asked, I’ll be up front and avoid all the unnecessary stress. Lesson learned!

Sugah

You ask about "peer" pressure. One definition of a peer is "a person who is of equal standing with another in a group." The only real peer pressure you should find in a group like that (in regards to drinking, anyway) is from an active alcoholic who feels you're not conforming. That's why in groups of sober alcoholics, there is an equal peer pressure to stay sober - and why support from others works so well.

Glad you didn't drink.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

loner1968

sit back for awhile and watch everyone else when they are drunk. This is what you will be missing out on! If you want to slow down then do it! WHO CARES what others say? From the perspective as a non drinking drugging witness I can tell you that a group of drunk people is a sad sight. IMHO if someone can stand up for what they want, or don't want, it makes you a better person. Pleae dont worry about what people say. There is a chance some of your friends will pick on you. It might make them uncomfortable to know that you aren't drinking cuz people who drink need people around them to drink as well. Just my observations...real friends don't exist where drinking is the favorite past-time.

beach101

BeingJenAgain - hey I didn't respond to this earlier, sorry - I didn't mean to insinuate I'm ready to be a social drinker - because I'm definitely not. I may be on a honeymoon sobriety, but I am content right now with not drinking. I still like the retreat of my house and going to my parents, but I do miss being out and seeing my friends, so when I say 'break', I'm really just trying to get through today, tomorrow, and the summer, then footbally season.....I don't know what will happen, but I like where I am. I like getting up in the morning and not having to struggle to go running or piecing the previous night together. I like where I am. My counselor and I will talk decide the next steps, but I will be shocked if she says it's ok to drink moderately. I know what I need to do, and hopefully, I'm taking the steps to be able to do that successfully and continue to be healthy.

CarolID - thank you - the blackouts scare me more than anything and that's why I'm where I am today. I cannot read enough about this topic.

Sugah - wow - even though this is stating the obvious - nothing like seeing it written down in black and white. This is so true and so obvious, I looked right past it. Thank you for that awareness!

Steamvessel - right on target - hopefully, I won't have to deal with it again, but I know I will and how to handle it better each 'next' time. Each day is definitely a lesson learned.

beach101

Loner - some of them I can deal with, and some I know I won't be able to and will get tired of baby sitting. Only the one this weekend is someone that I think will soon be out of my life, because of the very statements you made. I think the fact that I know I'm a topic of conversation made me feel uncomfortable, but at least being talked about not drinking should be and is much better than being talked about what I did when I was drinking!

I had to argue with them to drive to dinner, so yea - it is a sad sight to say the least.

RufusACanal

Amazing how much thought and preparation go into the life of an ex-drinker. Folks who do not have issues with their drinking never really get the whole load of crap that the ex-drinker does. Hmmm. The ex-drinker has to wonder if they will ever successfully drink again while spending thousands seeking advise from those who supposedly have answers. The ex-drinker is always on edge in social situations; fumbling through the ready list of lies why the ex-drinker is not drinking. The inferiority and complete lack of self esteem of no longer fitting in with all of the cool drinkers who never seem to have a problem with their partying. The anger and resentment that boils over in the ex-drinker when all of their friends are having an intoxicating good time; partying on Friday and Saturday night, tailgating...whatever. The ex-drinker is a miserable and pathetic individual left with the raw wounds of that phony glamour of what drinking used to be.

Thank God I am not an ex-drinker.

Tazman53

Kind of nice being a recovered alcoholic isn't it Rufus?

It was odd with me, once I knew enough was enough, when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired I had no problem simply saying no to a drink and if pushed just saying no thanks, I quit drinking. Now if there was a real arse who wanted to know "Why?" I would have no problem telling them I am a recovered alcoholic.

RufusACanal

So much work being an ex-drinker...

chip

Hello Beach101
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found a place to write this stuff out, work it out, and get some opinions on it. This forum is great for people who want to live a healthier lifestyle.

I'm alot like you in many ways, and I can relate to wanting to avoid "episoides". I also felt like a bit of a loner in my group of friends when I quit drinking. It was hard dealing with the questions etc...

I stuck with it, and I'm glad. It's almost been 3 years without a drink for me.

Eventually, my real friends gained a respect for me and my new lifestyle choice (abstaining). I also met new friends who don't drink at all. I started to gravitate away from "drinking focused" actvities etc... This is all fine because I grew into it the longer I stayed sober.

Stick with it. Things will get better. It's nice to live without having "episodes".
chip

CarolD

When I was a drinker...so were all my social friends
and our activities were laced with alcohol.
We shared the same lifestyles and our goals were non exsistant.

They thought I had no reason to quit ..
they were also drunks....:burns

I cut all ties socially because I knew my fun bottles were empty. Depression was daily.

I made a new social circle with AA members.
We did and do have a sober blast.

Since then...26 of my former friends died from
unchecked alcoholism...

Alcoholism is a disease ...progressive...incurable..fatal.
I've seen this first hand...too darn many times.

beach101

This has weighed on my mind the last 6 months, and it's the last month where I've truly faced it and actually am doing something about it.

When I talked to my counselor yesterday, she asked about obstacles the next week or so, and I told her I had Jr. League meetings, beach trips, visiting the parents (which I haven't told of my decision, they know I've been the DD more, and we've talked about the awareness of alcohol everywhere, so they know something is up - they aren't drinkers, so the visit isn't the big deal), and then I told her about our bible study group (yes, drinks are served), so my counselor was taken aback about the study group and wine and basically asked if there was anything I did that didn't have alcohol involved, and really no - all the political funtions I'm involved with, all the community service, church apparently, everything. She said what you guys said, that eventually, I'll find other avenues. I agree, I'm jsut not sure where the people are yet. I did tell her my main fears are what's in my own head - several times, I thought, this weekend or night will be safe with a drink, but then (thankfully), I was able to see it all the way through and think, well, today maybe fine, but what about tomorrow or the next time. The 'episodes' come on when I don't expect it, so I was able to un-rationalize my rationaliztion and denial, but I'm scared I won't one day, but I guess that's why these problems aren't fixed over night!! She did respond (I should pay you guys) that stop thinking about the future, stop thinking about vacation and next month - think about how you are going to manage the next 24 hrs.

And CarolD - sadly, another friend of mine and me (she's the pioneer of the non-drinking in our group - 6 mnths for her is awesome - we call it 'Operation Off The Hooch'), are waiting for something bad to happen to the other people - not that we wish negative things, of course, but given their actions, the DWI from the beach friend is just the first of many that may come. We can't do anything aboout it and it's scary to watch the train wreck in progress. I've learned SO much from just being out with them and watching their lack of judgement diminish with alcohol, and it's only been 16 completely alcohol-free days for me so not that long; I can't imagine the next month watching this happen. I'm just glad I've been here to drive and again, it hasn't been that long. The observations are enough to sober me up!

I just can't express enough my appreciation - you guys are awesome therapy!!

Tazman53

Beach being around other people drinking is very difficult if not impossible for some people in early sobriety, I know some folks with years of sobriety that are still not comfortable around people drinking.

I have been fine around other folks when they are drinking, but I do not go to functions where the soul purpose of the function is to drink! There is a saying in the rooms of AA "If you hang around a barber shop long enough you will eventually get a hair cut!!!

Beach what you and your other sober freind are doing right now is all that you can do for them, trust me when the crap really starts to hit the fan for them due to drinking and they are looking for a solution to thier drinking problems who are they going to talk to? Other drunks or you and your sober friend?