gypsytears

I fully realise the time I spent drinking and being drunk as well as the problems caused by my actions were a waste. Of time, money, self, everything.

Now I've accepted that, gone through a 2 month IOP treatment program and am not drinking any longer, apparently I'm now wasting time on recovery according to my husband.

I don't go to AA meeings so I don't hang out with AA folks, or go out for coffee, or call people. I do spend some time on this forum daily as well as read alcohol & addiction books. Sometimes I watch Intervention on A & E. I watched the HBO Addiction series as well.

My husband says that even though I'm not drinking, the time I spend on the above activities are as non-productive as being drunk.

I feel like I'm getting better by doing these things. I feel that doing these things are helping me not to drink.Oh, I do other things like taking care of the house & children of course. I do read other types of literature and watch other television programs and movies etc.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I guess since I had a problem with alcohol I was just supposed to stop having a problem. It takes a little more effort than that as everyone on here would agree, but I stopped the alcohol.

Should I just give up this form of support... using this message board? I feel so low, so confused. I wasn't supposed to be ****** up and now getting better is non-productive?

Help

stone

Hi gypsy, what a complete tool he is. You are doing these things because they help you and keep you sober. I don't know if he drinks or what but it sounds like he is jealous of your success and wants to undermine you.
Alcoholism kills people for gods sake.

Golfman

Whoa, you've got to be kidding? Don't you dare give up. The fact that hubby doesn't approve just indicates his lack of understanding of our disease. He probably feels left behind because of your progress. Secretly, he may want the old you back so he'll feel superior and in charge.

No, No, No....you keep doing what you're doing. You did the right thing by going to rehab. You stay here and don't ever let anyone, even hubby, suggest for a minute that you did the wrong thing. You had the courage to face yourself. You had courage to want to change yourself. Sorry about this but...F**K him!

I guess I got a little out of hand there, but we are all very protective of our friends here. You could not be in a better place. We love you. Your words will inspire many.

Your sin sobriety,

fast eddie

GettinSober

I'm sorry to say this gypsy but if he has said what you say he has said, in the manner in which you suggest he has said it, then he is a complete moron.

Posting on message boards doesn't kill you for a start - drinking does - maybe having a unsupportive partner can harm you too....?

In fact he's so wrong and so unsupportive I don't know where to start.

I would dump the loser if I was you. I agree with Stone. He sounds jealous (maybe threatened) by the new you.

paulmh

It would be a shame if you went. Now that you're joining up with people in recovery you'll be realising that the world often does things which could make you upset if you were still thinking in an egocentred manner - if, in other words, you still believed that the world had a responsibility not to upset you. BUt now that you're entering recovery, you realise that your hubby is entitled to his thougts and words, and you're entitled to choose how to react to them - bearing in mind that being upset by them won't make them change!

So why give up on recovery now that you're starting to get the hang of it!

LOL - and I would miss your posts.

gypsytears

Thanks stone. He doesn't drink. He used to... but he stopped a year or so ago. When I bring up that fact, I get chastised because he didn't have a problem like I do. He wasn't passed out, or blacked out, or incoherant as I frequently was. Makes his over use of alcohol OK I suppose.

I don't see where he's coming from. It took me longer to accept my problem and get help for it than he and everyone would've liked true... but I've done it I think. At least I think I'm getting better. I don't know if he's jealous...maybe it's more resentful towards me. I don't know how to deal with this.

hope3

Hi Gypsy, my heart goes out to you. My S/O

is so happy I found support and spend time improving

the way I feel about me, because it benefits our relationship.

I'm at a loss as to what is going through your hubby's mind.

What soes he want you to do with that time? What does he do with

his time?

I don't know what to say, but I have really enjoyed getting to

know you and can't even imagine a single selfish bone in your body.

I do however question his motives, for wanting you not to spend time

on feeling healthy, cause thats what it boils down to.

I don't know, I'm stumped.

Please don't give up your sanity. hugs, hope3

stone

I am still in shock that he could say that to you gypsy. I feel like coming over there and smacking him in the chops lol!
They say recovery is a selfish thing and in a way that might be right because you have to put YOU first, please remember to do that. Why would he want to just pull the rug out from under you like that? He doesn't sound like a nice person.

loveRoy

Please don't give up. You are needed here. People like me--wife of A--need to read post from A's. Hope that makes sense. Be proud of yourself.

SaTiT

Oh my gosh...heck no.
If you are sober today...how can that be non- productive?
If you read the BB, you would also know that (Lois) BW's wife went crazier becuase BW started getting sober.
Therefore Al-anon was formed. Codi are bascially
control freaks and nothing is never good enough.

Family members are miss informed on this matter
or havn't done anytype of reserch themselves.
They assume that you are cure and everything
would be okay if you don't drink.
A lot of people relapsed in earliy recovery becuase
they go out and get jobs ( productive ) becuase
of pressure from family members. Work can be
a very stressful enviornement and a drinking
culture is embeded in our society.

A foundation need to be establish and it dosn't
happen overnight. Not sure how much long
you been sober. I took over a year off to
work on myself and heal.

My parents gave me a lot grief over my decision.
The same old stuff "non productive , get a job".
mmm....it totally sliped their mind, when i was
working and was making all that molla...I was wacked
out of my god damn mind.

The NA basic text is pretty straight forward on
this, probably becuase NA had seen it's members
relapsed over and over again.

It pretty much states....
getting accepted back into society, getting a job,
getting friends, getting a new car, a house...dose not equal
recovery. Yes..these stuff are important....
just don't put them in front of the buggy.

This is why..you made the decision of accepting
yourself as being an alcoholic.
You're doing for you. it's your recovery.
Recovery has to be the most important thing in your life.
You didn't do for the family, job, car, house.
it simple..if you're not clean and sober...basically
none of these stuff, poeple places and thing wouldn't
matter anyway.

Yes, we had done wreckage and we should clean
our side of the street.

I guess if you ask your husband to do research on
Co-dependency, he would probably think that would
be a wasted of time , too.

Anna

Gypsytears,

It is so sad that you have to deal with that. It seems that your husband has issues, whether resentment or anger, or whatever. You are doing what you need to do to stay sober and that is the most important thing for you and your children. Stay with us and continue doing what you need to. Hopefully your husband will wake up and realize how well you are doing.

Nuudawn

Those without understanding of what we are dealing with (which is quite a transformation) figure that alcohol is the problem and that quitting it...problem magically solved! Nothing is further from the truth for the alcoholic. We lost ourselves in alcohol and it's a long way back home. To echo the sentiment of others..your husband is an arse...he is just completely ignorant about addiction..especially to alcohol. I would hate to think of the further pain and struggle you would have without support..especially since he's so gosh darn supportive! He is thinking of himself..and not you. His comments to you are completely selfish and ego driven. What does he expect you to do rather than read or post on SR...fetch his slippers and cook him dinner? What's his actual problem with YOUR journey?

I suspect fear...fear that you are changing, fear that he is losing the control he though he had over you, fear that you will get well and clear minded and leave his selfish soul, fear of his own feelings of inadequacy.

Where there is fear...there is no love. He is not extending himself at all for you. His way or the highway I suspect.

I really and truly hope you stay with us...sounds like he'd rather keep you drunk and/or isolated. I suspect he may be a controlling man in other ways.

Blessings and hope to you Gypsy.

gypsytears

He won't do any research on alcoholism or recovery. I've asked him to read things... so that he might.He won't. Doesn't even like watching any TV programs because he "had to live it".

SaTiT

I'm sorry Gypsy....

It is a known fact.
If an alcoholic enter recovery and start getting well
and the codi dosn't....
They will split like oil and water.

It takes two to do the alki/codi dance.

If you do more reserch on co-dependency. It's pretty
straight foreward too. A codi was codi long before
ever getting into a relationship with an alki.

May I suggest you establish a boundary.
let him hit his bottom, just like you hit your bottom.
This is where, love , patient and tolerence is helpful.

Just apply the same principle of Step#1.
You are powerless over people , places, and things.

stone

If he had truly lived it (or maybe if he wasn't a *******) he would be so happy and supportive for you.
From a selfish point of view, I don't want you to go! I know you won't go because you believe his BS, you know you/we are right and he is wrong. How you cope with that I don't know, but he is in the wrong here and just because you may still feel guilty or whatever doesn't make you wrong now.

gypsytears

As you guys have pointed out, no he's not very supportive. He was, in that he wanted me to stop drinking and get help. I guess that's where his support ended. He had a problem with the cost of IOP from the get go. I had a thread on that beginning part of my journey back in November.

Am I wrong to expect support if not understanding? I know I've caused pain and I'm trying to correct it. I'm not coping very well at the moment... I can't stop crying. I don't know what else to do.

CarolD

(((GT)))

I have no personal experiences to share on this.
I was divorced before my alcoholism manifested
and have stayed that way in sobriety.

Lucky me!

You are a loved and valued member with us.

My thinking is that he feels a loss of conrol
and threatened by the new improved you.

JMO

SaTiT

It's part of the process of your recovery Gypsy.
It's okay to cry.

Sometimes we have to read between the lines.
What's really going on ? The bigger picture.
The process of coming to belive...
The process of turning our will and live over to our HP.
Your heart is cut and broken...however it is open.
Embrace it...embrace your pain
Let the healing begin.

leeside

It seems pretty productive to me to come here. If it weren't I wouldn't come here. Do you relate the things you learn here that you can use in you life to be more productive? Productivity includes the learning process. Maybe he needs to learn just how much more productive you are because of what you learn at these places.

Tess37

I am having the same dang struggles with my husband. I'm in recovery, he is not (codi) and we are on the verge of divorce over it now. he keeps screaming at me to "FIX IT!!" meaning our relationship, but I can't do that, I can only "fix" me and if that leaves him behind in the process because he wont "fix" himself then... unfortunately that's what's going to happen.

I cant stand that term... "fix". After I got out of rehab I spent a good deal of time working on making up for the crap I put him through and I very recently realized that he believes that a debt is owed to him for putting up with my drinking..... that debt can never be repaid... it's a form of bondage he has over me to control me. He is angry and I danced there right along with him for years until I hit an emotional/spiritual bottom and drew my line... my boundary. He can sit in his comfortable familiar anger and if it keeps him warm at night more power to him, but I wont play anymore because it's not good for me...and my recovery. I went back to AA because that's what is working for me, not everyone is like me though, so whatever means you are using... use em!!!! dont stop!

My husband is scared and acting out because he sees me changing, growing, becoming a stronger woman and he doesn't have the control over me that he used to... that power of guilt and shame that he let loose on me over and over to keep me down. That fear causes him to show me anger and I finally figured out... I can't control him, or his actions, only myself and my reactions and let me tell you... he's scared sh**less over it. His manhood is greatly threatened by it.

When he provokes you, dont bite. come here, read your books, pray if you choose to but don't "dance" with him anymore... your sobriety is so much more important.