socalgal

I have to agree with everyone else here. Your husband is completely out of line. When we love someone we want the best for them. For you that means doing whatever you need to do to stay sober. He sounds very controlling. He wanted you to stop drinking, and you did. Now, he wants you to stop working on your recovery. I am not sure what his problem is, but I can tell you this, his attitude doesn't sit well with me at all.

Your first responsibility is to yourself and your sobriety. You do whatever it takes to stay sober. This is literally your life on the line. What your husband thinks or doesn't think or likes or doesn't like really doesn't mean a thing in the long run.

OOOH, this just makes me angry.

Have you read Codependent No More? It really might give you some insight as to what is going on with your husband. Also, it might help you realize that you don't have to stop taking care of yourself in order to please him. Actually, I highly recommend it.

Take care,
Don't leave this board unless YOU want to.

-K

SaTiT

I'm and alki and codi.... too.

My GF finally got sober around 9 months ago.
I don't think I'm ever going to get my mustang back.lol
and whatever wreckage that was caused.
My Gf also got will enought to tell me ...f-u dude
in her own way. I done enough reserch to relized
my part in it and my co-dependency issues.

I had also hit my emotional bottom.
I 've been working on my co-dependecny a lot.
Even when we where seperated. i started dating.
I notice I was trying to replace...the alki.
Different name, face, but the same traits.

Today, we live in peace not fixing one another,
rather we love one another. No more drama.
I stand by her side...not in front of her.
not behind her, and not inside of her.
I'm not #1 in her life and i don't own her.

came2believe

Does he drink?

Sounds like he feels threatened.

Maybe he ought to try Al Anon and develop some interests ouside of you and whether or not you are making new sober friends or posting online or working on your recovery or whatever?

His behavior sounds codependent to me. I'm sure it was a bit of a shock to the relationship-system for you to quit drinking. Everything changes when life no longer circles round someone's addiction. I believe this is why Lois Wilson began Al-Anon. I don't know him so this is my opinion only.

All the best xx

Hush007

Gypsy,

You should not listen to your husband when it comes to your recovery! YOU have to recover and YOU need to get trough the rough times! Every recovering alcoholic needs some kind of support. If you get it here,...keep coming here!

DO NOT let him decide how you should act when it comes to recovering! :nono:

Hugs,

Philip

Talluleh

gypsy!! There is ALOT of good advice here and many have already said what I would but I wanted to chime in with my support for you. You bring real help to people here and I believe that this site helps you as well. As you know I live with an alcoholic and he's about as supportive as your hubby which is why I haven't told him any of what I'm doing.

I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better, I honestly do. You are one of my favourite people here and I would miss you if you terribly if you were gone.

HUGS!!!

Tess37

Well that raises a question for me! You said you aren't #1 in her life.... is that a codi trait? My husband often gets angry at me because he feels I don't put him first (yesterday it was because I was playing a game on the computer and didn't answer him promptly enough.. I was told the game was more important than him) everyday it's a different thing that is more important than him and I often find myself saying "My world does not revolve around you!" which he gets mad at, but it's the truth, it doesn't and it would seem very unhealthy for me if it did. I get chastised for it and I assumed it was because that was his source of masculinity (he doesn't work, hasn't for 3yrs), like it was my job to make him the center of my world so he felt like a man..... is wanting the resident alki to feel and act that way a co-dependent trait????

dragon76

Gypsy if you get a answer that works let me know cause my wife and ur hubby come out of the same mold!those coments he said just made my hair stand up cause its what i hear everyday!

Grasshopper

Its very hurtful not getting support from the folks that i expected to get support from,my loved ones.That was a reasonable expectation that i had,that did not ever materialize.They didnt understand.Their understanding of alcoholism,was,just stop drinking and get on with it.From this i learn acceptance,.I accept that they just dont get it.I accept,that i need to do what i need to do for my OWN,recovery,and allow others to think/feel about it as they will.Im the one living in my own skin.Recovery is an inside job.Not relaying on opinions,of others.pray for those who hurt me,in my process.This gives me peace in my heart,for them that dont understand.I have lots of suport,but not from the ones that i counted on giving me support.Its ok,cause i just keep on,keepin on,as best that i can.
Keep on keeping on gypsy.You know your needs.You have lots of support here,as well as fellowship!!!!!!!!..You are no longer all alone.
God Bless,

SaTiT

Tess37,

yes...it's a codi trait. From my experince it's the ism.lol
That's why there's a god. A walking donuts bascially.
That void or emptiness inside. An alki choose to deal
with that void by drinking and using. A codi choose
a person to fill that void. However that damn void is
so damn big nothing big enough in this world can
fill it except the love of god. So on gose the drama
of trying to fill that void, sometimes very demanding
of high expectations other times through enabling.
In other words a codi is a very needy person.

On top of that it is done in reverse. That space where
god belongs, a spiritaully sick person is like a vacume
instead of letting love or the light shine through.
Therefore a codi see things with his/her glasses on
backwards and alcoholics do the same when they are in thier addiction.

I'm not #1 in her life becuase i don't belone there.
I'm not god. Yes there's love in me...but I'm not god.

So when a codi emmess with an alki trying to fix
the alki...the codi is basically playing god. But lack
the compassion, understanding, unconditional love,
grace. In other words it back fired on the codi, so
they get ****-off. And anger is addictive and habitual
or self pity or verious defects of charector
Perhase a codi dose these things sub-consciously.
The same as an alki when on a run or self sabotage.
Perhaps a codi grew up in a dyfunctional enviornment
and had became comforatable with chaos. You know...enable
the alki and get ****-off later on, And wants all the
credit for playing the hero if the alki should straigten
up. Then set up the alki for a fall again.lol
That's the classic alki/codi dance. It is very addictive.
This cycle happens in weeks to years for it to play itself out.
And of course a codi would deny it all...Codi are masters of denial.
Especailly if there's an alki drunk or sober around to blame.lmaf
Btw..mmm i speak from experince of being a codi.
I had foam coming out of my mouth when i had to give it up.lol

Tess37

all I can say is wow.. that explains so much that has been goin on in my house. I just wish that my husband, and gypsy's husband for that matter were open minded and understanding enough to read your post and not take it as a personal attack but instead as a starting point for change.

in a perfect world I suppose........

ty for the reply

wozzek

Another post for "the best of SR" collection. As a new friend of mine recently said, less eloquently - "The man I used to be drank. The man I used to be will drink again. It's time to change the man I used to be." - thus I agree 100% with you. Being sober is only a requirement to be able to rebuild our lives. A conditio sine qua non, but only the begining.

hope3

Hi gypsy, just letting you know I am thinking of you.

Another thought. I don't think he views alcoholism as

a disease. I bet if you were diagnosed with cancer he

would want to know how he could be supportive.

well, alcoholism is similar, in the fact that, just cause you

stop drinking (or get the cancer out) there are mant more things

you have to do to contimue treatment, eating habits, exercise habits, and spirituallity.

I think there is a lot of family members that have a hard time looking

at alcoholism for the illness it really is, and think just because your dry,

it;s over. But it's not.

Whether he gets it or not, I hope you continue to do what is

working for you, because you were one of the first people who

gave me the courage to continue on this recovery road, and I

thank you from the bottom of my heart, hope3

stone

Hi gypsy, I am thinking of you too.
Why not start going to AA twice a day just to annoy the SOB?
Anyway, big hugs babe.

edit
And another thing, you have supported me from the start and that means a hell of a lot to me. You are my friend and I am feeling very protective of you.

teej

Gypsy, please never leave this board. His problems are HIS! You can only bend over so far.

Gypsy's husband>>>>>>>>>>

Love you girl, hang in there.

Baritone

Not wrong, but unfortunately you'll likely find it as fruitless as expecting to get a loaf of bread from a hardware store. When i went to family events where my wife-at-the-time was in treatment, i saw a lot of "i don't have a problem, it's him/her who's the alcoholic." But as i've often heard in Al-Anon since then, very often by the time the alcoholic seeks help, the family member is sicker than the alcoholic.

I'm also reminded of something i heard from a woman telling her story at an Al-Anon meeting, where she said something like "When he finally stopped drinking and joined AA, he started getting better ... and i couldn't understand why i kept getting worse." And went on to tell how she found Al-Anon several months later, and the relief she started getting. Your husband may take a while to hit his bottom, but in the meanwhile, let's all realize that he is, yes, a sick person just as much as an active alcoholic is.

As everyone here has been suggesting, your focus at this point needs to be on your own sobriety. As the serenity prayer suggests, accept the things you cannot change (your husband's attitude), and have courage to do what you need to do for yourself and your recovery.

- Jim

Barto

I wish I knew what to say, too. I have gotten back into AA (after some dry time away) and I am really loving it! So my situation is different than yours. Actually, I would suggest more AA, but that's just me.

Talluleh, don’t wear that T-shirt around me unless you really want to get bit!

Yikes. Can I bet banned for saying that?

Pilgrim

I agree with Talluleh.

It worries me that you have asked him to understand by reading etc and he has not done that. I have an autistic son and one of the first signs of a problem with my bf was when he would not read the books I asked him to read about what we had been through and how to understand him. This resulted in his parents not understanding and disciplining my son inappropriately. I don't know the point I am trying to make here. All I know is that if he wanted me to understand something he was going through and asked me to read a book, I would have been thrilled. Being asked to understand another human being's situation is a gift. He does not seem to see it that way. He seems to see it as a burden. I would talk to him about that.

Imagine if someone had said that to one of us and you were giving advice. You are so caring. What would you say? I think you would send lots of love and hugs and I am sending them now.

You help people have better lives when you write here. That is priceless.

concolor1

Awards? Your hubby gets mine . . . Reminds me of an old girlfriend (whose first husband I 12-Stepped two or three times since he was a friend before we got involved).

Nothing wrong with her (until she finally imploded after I finally strong-armed her into a year of counseling).

Please don't give up coming here, and if you can find a way, I'm wondering if a lunch meeting to two a week is a possibility . . . I'm hopeful you'll be able to make some contacts with other sober ladies . . . You may well be able to not drink, but there's a lot more than not drinking to recovery, and anything you can do to enhance your sobriety is a good thing . . .

Yeah, it's that serious, and unfortunately, he's a poster boy for codependent denial, which often runs deeper than alcoholic denial . . .

If you can show him this thread, tell him there's a former treatment pro (and I'm sure I'm not the only one) who's willing to tell him attitudes like his kill people.

IO Storm

Yep, GP.

Every friend, everyone has given you all the words I could say....

My BF is also here on these forums....we have been through the

fire..with previous relationships and ours.

Now, even with a new and clearer than ever understanding of all that

has happened, I know that any mind games, any onslaught of those old

controlling behaviors, and as much as I love him, I would walk.

You see, I came too close to fulfilling that death wish this last time,

this was no feeble attempt. Not saying this is happenin' now .. just how important

it is. Sobriety. Mental, emotional, spiritual sobriety. ____ is not God. He sure

didn't get me sober, and doesn't keep me sober. We stay out of one another's

business(btgog) Alanon calls it "Hands Off Other People's Business".

I just wonder, Gypsy, if your husband (secretly) would like to socially drink with you?

If he does not feel he is a real alcoholic, he of course will be scared as h---

of all this addiction shenigans., or miss the zing of the good old days when times were bad.

Stay with us, dear Gypsy.

Remember, nothing, nothing, is more valuable than you and your sobriety.



Love,

Sherry

Paulos

Who cares what your husband says? You're the one going through a hard period with drinking, tell him to grow the hell up.