Tazman53

Brooks I am sorry if I came off as a hard ass, but beleive me when I say it was with love. I drank for 40 years and spent the last 10 years in the "I need to stop", but I really don't want to because the "Yets" have no all happened.... yet! I was at the point where I could not, not drink. It had me by the cahoonas!

The reason I can be a hard ass when someone is walking that tight rope is I do not want any one who knows they are an alcoholic to put off the fact that they need to stop drinking today, because tomorrow may be to late! I do not want to see someone torture them selfs like I did for 10 years!

It is hell trying to cut back or quit without help, it did not work for me, I was miserable! I was so miserable that towards the end I actually surrendered to alcohol, it was easier then fighting it! I gave up the fight, I gave in and decided I am not going to even try to stop or moderate because I was tired of being miserable fighting it. I was going to drink and I did not care..... I no longer beat myself up because I wasn't fighting any more.

I finally stopped when I saw death in my future if I did not quit.

I do not want a single person to go through the years of hell I went through!

I share my hell with the hope of at least one person stopping before they reached the point I was at. Do not get me wrong, there are plenty of folks with a deeper bottom then I had, I am glad that there were some in the rooms of AA when I went, they let me know how much further down I could have gone.

Brooks hang in there, it does get better every day. Keep in mind that you are not alone, you have us folks at SR, but more importantly you should really seek out some face to face support, be it AA or what ever, there is nothing like talking to someone on the phone, except talking to them in person, except getting a hug in support & understanding of what you are going through.

If you go to an AA meeting go early and look for the smiles on the faces of most, listen for the laughter. AA is not what I thought it was.... a bunch of broke down old bums sharing how miserable they are. instead it is a group of people who not only know how to stay sober, but how to stay happy, joyous and free!!

koruptdata

I think one of the problem's here is that brooke has the same kind of mentality as I do. I don't, haven't, and don't think I ever will be able to deal with putting my issues on somebody else. I feel that any problem in my life can only be resolved by me; I don't think talking about it with any particular group and/or professional would ever help me because I feel I already know the answers that are coming.

It may be stubborn and/or ignorant, but it's also just a natural feeling embeded in us that may [or may not have] gotten worse due to alcoholism. But I do want to help myself, and I can't stand what I've done to my life and the people around me... and today, on my second today of being sober - I've started getting paranoid and anxious, thus I had no choice but to read again, where I stumbled across this site and decided I'd give it a go in a relatively private environment where I don't have to confront anybody face-to-face.

brooke8433

so...i just talked to every freakin addiction specialist in charlotte...none of them will see me and referred me to an inpatient treatment facility. i spoke with a woman who told me that quiting alcohol cold turkey is more dangerous that trying to quit anything else.
She asked me a series of questions and said that based on my answers (mostly the quantity of what I drink, the length of time that I have been drinking, and the fact that I have never tried to stop) they want me inpatient. I am really scared right now. If nothing else I will be in there for a few days for detox.
I feel like the whole world around me is crumbling and I am trying to find the courage to go talk to my manager.
Just thought I would let everyone know in case you don't see me for a while.

koruptdata

^Kudos to you. You've got more courage than I've had so far. The only time I ever called anybody was after waking up from a blackout and asking for a detox, 10 minutes later I was drinking a beer and never did it. If you've gotten this far, you might as well go a little further. Just tell your manager that you have some personal issues you have to deal with - or just get a week's medical certificate from your GP to say that you're unfit for work.

But congrats Brooke. Hope everything goes well.

kats

Brooke --

Do what you need to do to stay safe and take care of yourself. We'll be here if you need us.

Kats

chrisj728

Hey Brooke

Wishing you well --Stay Strong!!!!!

chris.

Tazman53

Brooke I know what you feel like, I was scared to death going into detox, I had been drinking for 40 years so I really could not recall what it was like to not drink! I was scared that reality would be some sort of monster that would engulf me once I was sober.

When I got out of detox 5 days later it was like I had stepped from the bowels of hell into life!!!! I was then scared I was going to lose the beautiful feeling that I was having for the first time in my memory by going out drinking again, but I did exactly what the folks in the detox center told me to do. Go to 90 or more AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor if I wanted to stay sober. Well on the 18th it will be 5 months sober for me and every day is better then the day before thanks to AA and my HP.

Hon you will be in my prayers, I know you will be amazed at how great you feel after detox, but you need to do as they tell you to do, both in detox and after you get out if you want to stay sober. As I say "Follow directions".

brooke8433

I probably should have started a seperate thread titled, "the breakdown" for this...so get ready for a long winded response.

Today was so horrible I couldn't stand it. I went to sleep on a little over an hour of sleep w/ the most ridiculous shakes and feelings of anxiety that I could barely function. I called my pcp, she said to see a specialist. I called EVERY addiction specialist in this city and no one would see me. They all responded, "if you are experiencing withdrawals you need to go to detox, asap".

I called several centers, and each one referred me somewhere else that could take me today. The one I finally found I had to answer about 30 questions for...this all while I was in the cafe at work balling my eyes out and shaking like a mad man. The nurse said it was critical for me to come in for detox and inpatient rehab, then asked for my insurance info and said she would call me back in 2 hours. Um...2 hours??? Do you know how long that was for me??

I spent the time smoking a pack of cigarettes outside, making a failed attempt at eating something, and combing over my company's substance abuse policy which states that your job is not in jeopardy as long as you present the problem before it affects your performance, you must complete a rehabilitation program that is covered by insurance, and I can get paid 100% for the time that I am out. Well that's one relief.

When I finally get the call I am told that I will need $2400 for my coinsurance for detox and a 28 day program. I call my parents and this is when all hell breaks lose. I call my parents (because what alcoholic do you know w/ $2400 sitting in the bank) and my mom...having only had one sip of an alcoholic beverage in her entire life asks me if that's what I really need...and why don't I just do detox. Well, I respond, because although detox will keep me from dying while sobering up, it's not going to KEEP me sober. She says she is calling my dad (who previous to this had not the slightest clue that I had a problem) and will call me back.

More waiting...she calls...and instead she calls me back w/ information from her former alcoholic coworker. At this point I am ready to explode. She continues on about how "a 5 day program worked for her"...and on and on. Then tells me of this wonderful place that's free...as though she didn't hear a word I said about my company's policy. As I get more and more irritated she even begins to remind me of how she was able to quit smoking ON HER OWN after 20 years. I absolutely did explode at this point...in the parking lot...at my work....lovely scene as you can imagine.

I leave to go to my pcp as orginally planned because the thought of walking back into that corporate building w/ all those happy people made me want to vomit more than I had wanted to all day. I figured that way I would at least have a note and not have to try to close the day out.

My dad calls. I am in hysterics. He asks what I am doing (as if he just randomly chose this exact moment to call me). I tell him going to the doctor to which he responds, "for what?". I tell him that I feel like crap thinking to myself, "get the hint dad, I don't want to talk about it, meet me halfway here!" So clearly, it's obvious where I get the problems expressing my emotions because he just responds, "what's wrong?" Time to open the doors and let it all out I guess...which is exactly what I did.

I don't hold anything against him, he is a great father, but sometimes people just seriously DON'T UNDERSTAND. He asked, "well do you think rehab will really make you quit", and "how much have you been drinking", and "why did you let it get this far", and on and on.

The doctor said my vital signs indicate that I need to go to detox. Because I didn't talk to my work about it because I left feeling completely out of my mind, w/ no clue what to do or where to go or whether or not to just booze it up, I didn't want to go to detox and jeopardize my job so I left w/ a prescription for valium. I will be seeing a specialist tomorrow and maybe going to rehab.

My dad called and apologized saying that he and my mom just don't understand what we are going through which is why they reacted the way that they did. He said (and I quote), "when I go out and get wasted I feel like complete sh1t the next day and don't want to do anything but die and throw up! You will throw some back all day and night and wake up at the crack of dawn ready to go on a hike!" And he's right, and that's what enabled me to get this far gone w/o realizing I was ever addicted.

But you know...how the hell are you supposed to realize that you are addicted if you never stop to see the signs???

That was more info that any of you wanted or needed...but writing about it is apparently a new release for me. On that note I am off to my first AA meeting...

CarolD

You are making wise choices Brooke!

Congratulations on your progress

kats

Brooke --

First of all, I'm so sorry for everything you went through today. I am so impressed with your perseverence. I'm a little concerned that your doctor just gave you a prescription with no immediate plan for your inpatient or detox stay. Do you have a plan?

All the best,

Kats

byrdman

Brooke, congrats and I hope you stick through it. I am the same way as you and this is my first day sober. It sucks but I am liking it. I want to drink but I know I can no longer do it. I have tried AA twice to no help (not AA's fault - mine, obviously) Does everyone go through detox? I have been drinking almost everyday for a long time. I have had a positive attitude all day today and want to keep this good feeling. I keep praying that we all will make it through - one day at a time!

kats

byrdman,

Congrats on your first day. I hope it is the first of many. Not everyone experiences detox symptoms. I know I didn't a number of times during my heavy drinking years. In fact, I only recently experienced detox symptoms, at 43, after 20 years of drinking (13 heavily). Eight years ago I gave up alcohol and didn't have any symptoms. This last time, I had really bad nightmares. I haven't had to seriously "detox,"... or go into a facility. I just cut down then quit. It's not right for everyone... but not everyone needs to be medically detoxed. It depends on how much you're drinking and how long you've been drinking. Have you gone two or three days without any alcohol, recently, with no symptoms? If so, you could probably detox on your own. I'm not a doctor, so this is just my personal opinion. If you're concerned, you should definitely seek the advice of a physician.

Good luck.

Kats

kats

Tazman,

I think we've forgotten - how many years did you drink?

Kats

kpnewlife

Brooke,
Good for you. That's another step you've taken in the right direction. Keep it up. Rehab might be a good option, especially if it's covered by insurance. That coinsurance figure does sound pretty high, though. Personally, I am glad I went through a treatment program. It was very educational, emotional, and motivating. However, some people will tell you that rehab is where you spend thousands of dollars to learn that AA is free. Whatever you need to do, do it. This disease is fatal if untreated, so you need to put your sobriety number one right now. Wishing you well in the detox process.

*chuckle* Do I sense some sarcasm? That's a trait I share.

However, for some reason it reminds me of a story one of my counselors told me. He said when he started AA, there was an oldtimer that sat in the same place and said the exact same thing every night. Getting somewhat frustrated, he finally asked another oldtimer if that guy ever said anything else. He replied that 'No, he comes to this meeting and sits in the same chair and says the same thing every night. But, he hasn't had a drink in over 20 years of doing this.'

We all need to do whatever we need to do to stay sober. I hope Taz keeps on telling us about his ... I forget, was it 25 ... no 32... no wait, oh yeah, 40 years drinking as long as it helps to keep him sober.
kp

Tazman53

Thanks kp, the fog is clear enough to where the old man can tell sarcasm when he sees it.

When I share the number of years I drank it is not for my benefit at all, it is not bragging, there are those out there who feel the ability to stop drinking is beyond their grasp, I share that to let others know that no matter how many years one has drank, they can quit if they really want to.

I would be far happier to say I had that many years of sobriety, I will be 92 before I even break even.

kats

Taz,

No malice intended -- I just chuckle everytime I read one of your messages because somewhere in it, I know I'll read again about your 40 year drinking history. It makes me feel like I *know* you.

Hey, you definitely have a shot at 92 if you keep doing what you're doing!

Kats

leeside

Watch out for those Vals Brooke. Take as little as possible and get off them as soon as you can. They can be quite addictive and have severe withdrawal symtoms if you take them too long.

Read this about Valium abuse:

Mother's Little Helper
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

"Mother's Little Helper"
cover Single by Rolling Stones from the album Aftermath
Released July 2, 1966
Recorded December 3-December 8, 1965
Genre Rock
Length 2 min 45 s
Label Decca/ABKCO
Producer(s) Andrew Loog Oldham
Chart positions #8 (USA)

Rolling Stones singles chronology
"Paint It, Black"
(1966) "Mother's Little Helper"
(1966) "Lady Jane"
(1966)

"Mother's Little Helper" is a song by the English rock and roll band The Rolling Stones. It first appeared as the opening track to the UK version of their 1966 album Aftermath.

Written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, "Mother's Little Helper" was recorded in Los Angeles from December 3 to the 8 of 1965. The song talks of prescription drug abuse (Valium) and sheds a light on the darker perspective of housewives, intoning:
“ Life's just much too hard today / I hear ev'ry mother say / The pursuit of happiness just seems a bore / And if you take more of those / you will get an overdose / No more running for the shelter / of a mother's little helper ”

The song is based around folky chords and an eastern-flavored guitar riff (often mistaken for a sitar riff). It was released as a single in the US and topped the chart at #8.

The song was covered in 2005 by Liz Phair for the soundtrack to the popular television series, Desperate Housewives. The song was performed by Jean-Louis Aubert and Alain Bashung during the january 2007 Les aventuriers d'un autre monde Tour.

Tazman53

Kats if I quit smoking then I might see that 92, right now I am the same age as my dad was when he died.... 53, my great grandfather on my moms side of the family dies when he was 96 and never was sick and hardly looked 60 years old.

Kats no offence was taken, I have dealt with 4 children all the way through puberty and still have 15 year old twins and if they can't hurt me, no one can!!! LOL

kats

Taz,

I know I mentioned this in another message thread, but have you ever considered hypnosis to help you quit smoking? My dad quit smoking after just two sessions and has never gone back to it. He was also taught how to do self-hypnosis so he was able to handle those early cravings. It might be worth a try!

Kats

earlybird

My substance abuse Doctor did the legwork in finding me State Funding for a 30 day in-patient program. You may want to look into that. The funds ARE out there.....you just have to be diligent.