collinsmi

I got to the point where I was more afraid of living like I was than not drinking. What really mattered though was what I did about not drinking. I could never just stop on my own, sooner or later having another drink always seemed like a good idea. "Things aren't as bad as they seem, a little self discipline is all that's needed. I'll stop after one." I wouldn't stop after one though, not consistently at least. Doing AA got me out. Now I have no problem not drinking, and lead a much happier, more exciting, rewarding life.

Music

You're not letting anyone down??? Who are you? Chopped liver? Every time I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to drink again, and did, I let myself down! You're right about one thing though. You're not ready and you're going to have to hit an all time low in order to change. I just hope you survive the process.

Astro

And those are all YETS. They haven't happened to you YET.

I never had a DUI or went to jail myself, but it was only a matter of time.

What I did give away was a marriage, kids, relatives, our home, pets, friends, etc. I say I gave them away because I didn't lose them, every time I picked up a drink I GAVE away a piece of my life.

What will your all-time low be? Two months after I got sober I checked into a mental hospital for a weekend of evaluations. Guess that wasn't low enough because three months after that I wanted to check out of life. That was on Fathers Day, and I was with my children. My point is not to try too hard to figure out where your bottom is. Some of us can go much lower than we thought we could.

Scott

Tazman53

When one is searching for thier bottom they are digging a hole, the hole keeps getting deeper and deeper and one wonders where is the bottom?

I figured out after 40 years of drinking that if I simply quit digging the hole, I had been standing on the bottom the whole time!!!

Keep digging those of you still out there, you will not find your bottom until you quit digging!

brooke8433

So I know everyone is going to dig their teeth into this one...but here's the thing: Everyone makes references to horrible things that were the result of their drinking (dui's, car accidents, losing a job, etc.). I haven't experienced those things. When I leave the house after drinking, or on my way to drink I don't drive. In the rare case that I leave sober and find myself getting tanked, I get home without driving. I haven't lost a job, a friend, a family member, because of my drinking habits. I don't sleep in, even if I pass out until 5 am, I am up at 8.

I don't know how I am able to function like I do, seeing as how I drink a ton of beer, liquor and wine each night, but I do. Can you see how it would be hard for me to accept the fact that I need to let this go when it's not ripping my life apart?

And clearly, I must have some problem w/ it or I would have never come here. But that problem is mainly that I don't like having the shakes and feeling like I can no longer make a decision to drink or not to drink, it's already made for me. I don't even remember the days that I just got wasted on the weekends, or just drank a few beers.

I have never raised the bottle to enjoy a beverage. I have always raised it with the intentions of getting so blitzed out of my brain that I don't even know what is going on around me. The only times that I have ever turned away alcohol is after I have gotten coked up and know that I will never be able to feel inebriated.

So I fully understand that if I have even the slightest problem w/ my drinking habits that that in itself is a reason to stop. The reason I am struggling w/ making the committment is because I convince myself that there is no problem because I am able to carry out a normal life...

I don't know if I am making any sense...but that's what I was getting at when I was talking about reaching an all time low.

thisisme

You should print this out and have someone read it to you on your death bed. Alcohol will kill you, slowly but surely.

kpnewlife

Brooke, reread astro's last post. Then insert "yet" at the end of sentences 2, 3, and 5 and in the middle of 6 in your own post.

Alcoholism = Chronic, PROGRESSIVE Disease

ay100

Broke my friend;

You are in denial and you are a functioning alcoholic. Being able to function like a normal person under the influence does not make you immune from the harm that alcohol causes. I hope you will come to your senses and give up.

I have seen many alcoholics who darnk all day and one could never tell they were drunk. But they all died at an early age.

Tazman53

All I can tell you is if you continue drinking and you are an alcoholic, take everything you have said up above and add yet to it. I was where you are at now 30 years ago, it only gets worse and it gets harder to quit! BTW everthing you are saying now I said then too.

I said that too.

I kept thinking mine was just fine also, then one day I found myself standing on the edge of a cliff, one more step and over I went over the edge and to a rapid death. Keep drinking, like I said if you are an alcoholic as long as you keep drinking it gets worse!

I can tell you that 6 kids and 2 wifes wish when I had the chance like you do right now that I had taken the easier path and quit then rather then being blind in one eye and unable to see out of the other until it was darn near impossible for me to quit!

I had to put myself into detox just to where I could not go buy some more until I was really sober and then it was a real battle to not buy more once I got out, but thanks to AA I am now happy and free!!!

Keep digging, who knows maybe you can dig a hole deeper then mine! 52 years old, a trail of lifes filled with memories of being raised by a drunk, now I am 53 and the only regret I have is 40 years long, my happiness is 145 days long.

Maybe you can dig a hole right into jail or onto the streets!

AY100 brought out something I failed to mention, just because your life is not screwed up yet does not mean you can not ruin your liver, heart, or brain in time. The weaker your brain gets the less likely you can quit, then you could drink your self into a state known as "Wet Brain"! Google "Wet Brain"!

Golfman

"So I fully understand that if I have even the slightest problem w/ my drinking habits that that in itself is a reason to stop. The reason I am struggling w/ making the committment is because I convince myself that there is no problem because I am able to carry out a normal life...

I don't know if I am making any sense...but that's what I was getting at when I was talking about reaching an all time low."

Brooke,

I know exactly how you feel. However, do you really think the life you lead now is normal? Life is not a series of drunks interrupted by a job, passing out, or waking up. I believed it was normal for me and thought it was normal for everyone else too. If fact, if other people didn't get wasted like I did I thought they were abnormal. When my wife used to leave a drink on the bar half full I couldn't believe it. My perception of normal was to drink it all, no matter how much it was. I drank until I passed out or finished the bottle, whichever came first. Even before I got help there were many friends and family members that I noticed didn't drink like I did.

Honey, do you ever see other people enjoying themselves on a sunny day and say to yourself, "that's what I'd like to do" or "that's how I'd like my life to be?" Well take it from me, I've learned what I was doing was abnormal. The majority of casual drinkers out there can take it or leave it.

Do you ever wonder why you drink so much. On the surface it's because you're an alcoholic. But deep inside in places we don't like to go, it's because we're empty. There was a hole inside me that I thought I could fill with alcohol. When I was lonely, angry, tired, frustrated, hurt or just pissed, I could drink those feelings away. But they were always there the next day when I woke up. What I found some twenty years ago was an alternative that gave me the same ease and comfort that alcohol used to give me, only it lasts much longer. In fact, it lasts as long as I want it to last.

Please step back for just a minute and write down what you do everyday. Make a list of your activities from the time you wake up until the time you go to bed or pass out. Be honest, write down EVERYTHING. When you're finished with the list, look at it and ask yourself if that's the kind of life you want to live indefinitely. As yourself if you really think that's a normal way to live. If you answer no, then send me a pm so we can talk about how you can change your way of living.

kats

Brooke --

I am 43 years old and have been drinking since my early twenties -- heavily for the past 13 years. Like you, I have never gotten a DUI, lost a job, relationship, home, etc. I've been married twenty years. Alcohol has not yet shown me how low I can go, but I will be honest and tell you this, in only the last year or so... I've seen this disease progress inside of me. I only recently (the last year or two), became physically dependant on alcohol -- before that, if I had to skip drinking for a night for whatever reason, I could, without fear of going into withdrawals. It's an awful feeling to know that you *can't* not drink when you don't want to. Also, I have elevated liver enzymes now and high blood pressure. This will be you in a few years, if you continue at the rate you're going.

But you know the other thing that happened, that shows the progression of this disease -- it's been slowly, but surely, stripping away my soul. Feeling like alcohol is the end-all, be-all of my existence -- well, what freaking kind of existence is that? Feeling like I don't want to do anything or go anywhere where there isn't alcohol (at least during my witching hours), has me *and* my family living a very limited life. And the total *obsession* of alcohol -- THINKING about it all the time (how much I drink, when I drink, planning to drink, what to drink, when to go buy it, etc.) -- there has *got* to be more to life than that!!

So... like you, I spent many years thinking that well, okay, I haven't had any serious consequences from drinking and I really like it, so why should I stop? And the answer is that because I feel like I'm only living a partial life, not a whole one. And the older I get, and the more I see how time goes by so fast, I think -- do I want to spend this second half of my life asleep? I can't go back to being 27, that's for sure, but Brooke, if I could, I would make so many different decisions. And if I had made those decisions, I wouldn't be sitting here with half my life over and feeling like I'm just now waking up.

I hope you are able to make peace with your situation and not waste a single moment of your life either drunk or passed out. It may not feel like it to you now, but life goes incredibly fast and each day is a gift.

Good luck.

Kats

GlassPrisoner

Kats-

You are me 107 days ago. Well, except I did lose my job, and marriage, and house....

But yeah, the dependancy absolutely sux ! Don't EVER get caught somewhere where you don't have access to booze. Trust me, I know. I like what you said too about sleeping away your life. that's all I did when I drank, was "nap".

I found AA, and a spomsor found me, and the rest is history. I'm happier and more optomistic about life right here and now than I ever have been. It's a good feeling.

Tazman53

Kats that was me 145 days ago, and the answer and the results for me have been the same as they were for GP. I drank for 40 years.

gypsytears

Hi brooke . You have received so much good advice... I hope reading through all of it helps you become less confused. I don't have anything else to add except that I'm wishing you well.

brooke8433

I really do appreciate everyone's responses. It does help to hear fom people who were able to accomplish such a hard thing. For myself I just can't bite the bullet (or I guess I should say I WON'T bite the bullet right now).

My biggest fear is doing this alone, which I guess means I will have no other choice than breaking down and going to AA. Hopefully I will try that next week.

I hope no one thinks that I don't value your advice, or that I am not aware of the affects alcohol is having (and will have) on me. This started at a young age so the only adult life that I have known has involved this behavior. It's scary to let that (everything I know) go.

Music

You make perfect sense Brook and therein lies the problem. As intelligent as you seem to be, and as in touch with yourself as you seem to be, you're hell bent on taking this thing right to the end. So have at it. Do what you have to do. People do what there going to do, and everything else is just an excuse.

Astro

I drank for 27 years Brooke, pretty much all of my teen and adult life. The wreckage I left behind is part of my story, but I still wish I'd quit much sooner.

I'd much rather let that life go than the dream that I'm living now. It's hard work, but the payoff is much better than I ever expected.

Tazman53

Brooke I started drinking when I was 10 or 12, I did not start to grow up until I was 52. In other words I was not even really a teenager for 40 years!

I wish they had the internet and a board like this to where I could have had the advantage you have of hearing some really straight talk from people who have been through the hell you will be going through over the next how ever many years you drink.

Hon every day you put it off is that little bit of progression in your disease, every day you wait it will be harder.

We have been through REAL hell, you stand at the gates of hell knocking to get in while the people who have been through it are screaming warnings at you. Is a damn drink worth it?

That is it for me, my heart can not stand this any more, I know the hell you are getting ready for and sadly I know damn well you are an alkie just like me and you are going to need to have the hell burnt out of you before you look way back in your drunk diary and remember these past few days and kick your self in the ARSE!!!

Golfman

Well Brooke, I've had enough. You're just not hurting enough to make the move. We all know exactly how you feel, but until you're ready, our words are wasted.

Hopefully you'll go to AA next week? Give me a break... I'm going on now to try to help someone who really means business.

For now..."Get off the cross, we need the wood!"

earlybird

One week and 3 days before I went into the treatment center that helped me get sober and stay sober for almost three years,....I was in my apartment alone and sitting on my couch,...hugging myself and in a zombie-like tone, repeating over and over again "I cant imagine my life without drinking....I cant imagine my life without drinking"...while rocking back and forth and staring at my ceiling. I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago. I know where you are at. Believe me,....that inability to envision a life without drinking is just an evil tool this disease uses to disuade us from seeking help. You can have a life without booze,...and that inability to envision one leaves rather quickly. I know you are worried about the physical effects and if you should quit because of them. Well,...dont worry. Soon,...you will have no choice but to quit or,...well,...you know. Pretty soon, .....the physical symptoms will be incapacitating. They will become so bad, that there will be no amount of booze you can ingest to ward off withdrawals. Severe withdrawals. You WILL lose your job. You will lose all that is important to you. Its time to grow up. The times of going to Bon Jovi and getting wasted in the parking lot is over. Be a grown man. Be the man YOU know you ARE.