Drinking = erasing progress?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Honestly BC. Working the program doesn't need a store of emotional energy. It is not as exhausting as continuing to carry all that stuff we arrive at sobriety with. The shame. The fear. The resentments. As being unable to sit comfortably with ourselves, distraction free. As being unable to sleep through the night. The trick really is (like only focussing on staying sober one day at a time) just focussing on the step that you are on. If you are 'on' getting a sponsor, just focus on that bit. While you are on step one, focus on that. Once you've done it properly you will be ready for step 2. Once you have done that you will be ready for step 3. Etc. That's not to say that there won't still be a little fear involved in some of the steps. But by then, you WILL have the emotional energy and strength to lean into the fear regardless.
When I first arrived in AA I was not ready. I hadn't got to the special stage of desperate where I was willing to trust the program, and listen to other people, and not be tempted to meddle with the order of things to suit me and my unique brand of alcoholism (Ie. My 'Maybe-I'm-alcoholic-but-not-as-badly-as-those-people-who-need-to-do-step-work-and-sponsorship-and-service-ISM '). I needed to get a bit more sick and tired of being sick and tired. A bit more insane. A bit more lonely. A bit more scared. A bit more suicidal. A bit more bewildered by my own inability to be honest with my counsellor. A bit more frustrated by my random feelings which leapt all over the place. But another 6 months of all that, with the pain gradually growing like yeast, finally brought me to surrender. And then I found the humility to listen to suggestions. To take advice. Because, by then there seemed to be no other choice but to trust the program, and I realised and accepted that what I was clinging to wasn't saving my arse any time soon.
71 + 30 + 27 - 8 ÷3 -19 = ?
Sometimes we have to do things in the order they're in.
When I first arrived in AA I was not ready. I hadn't got to the special stage of desperate where I was willing to trust the program, and listen to other people, and not be tempted to meddle with the order of things to suit me and my unique brand of alcoholism (Ie. My 'Maybe-I'm-alcoholic-but-not-as-badly-as-those-people-who-need-to-do-step-work-and-sponsorship-and-service-ISM '). I needed to get a bit more sick and tired of being sick and tired. A bit more insane. A bit more lonely. A bit more scared. A bit more suicidal. A bit more bewildered by my own inability to be honest with my counsellor. A bit more frustrated by my random feelings which leapt all over the place. But another 6 months of all that, with the pain gradually growing like yeast, finally brought me to surrender. And then I found the humility to listen to suggestions. To take advice. Because, by then there seemed to be no other choice but to trust the program, and I realised and accepted that what I was clinging to wasn't saving my arse any time soon.
71 + 30 + 27 - 8 ÷3 -19 = ?
Sometimes we have to do things in the order they're in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I agree with Jellybeans... It's harder to carry all that stuff around with you. Absolutely. I have been carrying shame over something that happened to me 25 years ago, that I had no control over. This, the drinking thing, I have control over. I'm learning to put down a little bit at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still...
Just because we intelectually can grasp, identify, and allow a proposal of fact, does NOT mean that the rest of our heart mind soul psyche - all that other mysterious foofoo stuff we're made of - will allow it.
Drinking, and considering AA's drastic proposals in light of our own experience, is exACTly prescribed by early AAs.
Self knowledge, though, they said, will NOT fix it. At certain times, they said, the alcoholic is WITHOUT DEFENSE against that first drink. What should crowd into the mind to drter us is easily pushed aside in favor of the drink. And off we go.
They learned each must *fully concede to his innermost self* that he is not like other people, and never will be. The idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of each of us and we will pursue it into the gates of insanity and death, they said.
When this hits home, it is usually the demon rum who does the punctuating. By then everyone else (sane) we know has removed themselves out of earshot of our woes...lol
The AA alternative is a simple surrender and acceptance of a life of learning the ways of self forgetting self sacrifice and outgoing concern for OTHERS and the resignation of our own welfare to whatever 'god' we think there even *might* be. Seems we will only do this when we are fundamentally convinced that we *have to* in order to stay alive, and in my own case even then it still seems a long shot, but i guess thats what they mean by 'faith' even if only in an AA group.
I tried making some admissions attitude adjustments and amends in between drinks....would go and reverse everything I'd tried to repair in the next blackout.
We can NOT do this ourselves, the god idea makes it possible, and that's a tall order for the self centered alcoholic who wants what he wants when he wants it, caring little who gets hurt, or how badly.
my attitudes have sucked, like i did this and willed that and adjusted this and ya like now god OWES me one. lol, said 'he'...busy with the sincere...**** off he said.
we will either care about others or we will sign our own death warrant, they told me
Just because we intelectually can grasp, identify, and allow a proposal of fact, does NOT mean that the rest of our heart mind soul psyche - all that other mysterious foofoo stuff we're made of - will allow it.
Drinking, and considering AA's drastic proposals in light of our own experience, is exACTly prescribed by early AAs.
Self knowledge, though, they said, will NOT fix it. At certain times, they said, the alcoholic is WITHOUT DEFENSE against that first drink. What should crowd into the mind to drter us is easily pushed aside in favor of the drink. And off we go.
They learned each must *fully concede to his innermost self* that he is not like other people, and never will be. The idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of each of us and we will pursue it into the gates of insanity and death, they said.
When this hits home, it is usually the demon rum who does the punctuating. By then everyone else (sane) we know has removed themselves out of earshot of our woes...lol
The AA alternative is a simple surrender and acceptance of a life of learning the ways of self forgetting self sacrifice and outgoing concern for OTHERS and the resignation of our own welfare to whatever 'god' we think there even *might* be. Seems we will only do this when we are fundamentally convinced that we *have to* in order to stay alive, and in my own case even then it still seems a long shot, but i guess thats what they mean by 'faith' even if only in an AA group.
I tried making some admissions attitude adjustments and amends in between drinks....would go and reverse everything I'd tried to repair in the next blackout.
We can NOT do this ourselves, the god idea makes it possible, and that's a tall order for the self centered alcoholic who wants what he wants when he wants it, caring little who gets hurt, or how badly.
my attitudes have sucked, like i did this and willed that and adjusted this and ya like now god OWES me one. lol, said 'he'...busy with the sincere...**** off he said.
we will either care about others or we will sign our own death warrant, they told me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Just popping in to this thread because I got the email notification of a reply on it, so I'll say this...
Tonight will make three weeks since my last drink... I haven't had an urge to drink in two weeks... I didn't "work" step 3, it just kind of happened to me (I think even though we do the intentional work, sometimes things just accidentally click in to place). So right now I'm just working on having a closer relationship with God. The decision to turn my life over to Him has changed me completely and there's not a doubt in my mind that I couldn't do this without Him. Actually, I think I turned my back on him, and that's when all the trouble began. Imagine that.
Tonight will make three weeks since my last drink... I haven't had an urge to drink in two weeks... I didn't "work" step 3, it just kind of happened to me (I think even though we do the intentional work, sometimes things just accidentally click in to place). So right now I'm just working on having a closer relationship with God. The decision to turn my life over to Him has changed me completely and there's not a doubt in my mind that I couldn't do this without Him. Actually, I think I turned my back on him, and that's when all the trouble began. Imagine that.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Glad to read your check-in. :-)
When I told my sponsor I had a problem with God, she replied, "Imagine the problem he is having with you."
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. The problem is me and I need help from a higher power. Life gets better when I rely on HP!
When I told my sponsor I had a problem with God, she replied, "Imagine the problem he is having with you."
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. The problem is me and I need help from a higher power. Life gets better when I rely on HP!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,819
I think when we open the door to a higher power and are even willing to believe in something out there greater than ourselves, we are most of the way there with step 3. Then all we have to do is stay open, remain quiet and thoughtful, and the spirit or whatever your God is will just be there. Our only job is to realize it when we feel it. That was my experience anyway. And I was agnostic, resisting a Christian God. I was willing to put myself in the hands of the universe, though, and I feel that power running through me every day now. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in big ways. As you said, it just happened, because I was willing to let it happen, stopped resisting.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,627
In the build up to step 3 we are invited to consider why we would even make such a decision. The main part of it is an honest review of how successful we have been trying to run the show our selves, according to our will.
My efforts at self centred living failed completely. I was a crap manager, I needed to appoint a new one. The reason was to get rid of the selfishness before it killed me which, according to the big book, is almost impossible to do without God's help/ I needed more power than I had.
So I made a decision to connect to the Power supply. That didn't mean I was immediately connected, it was just a decision. The next thing to do was plug in and turn on the switch - what? nothing? Better look at the wiring, a blown fuse? a dirty connector? something was still blocking me. I had to clean the connections, replace the fuse, make sure the way was clear for the Power to flow.
That I did with steps 4-9, and then I had a reliable power supply.
My efforts at self centred living failed completely. I was a crap manager, I needed to appoint a new one. The reason was to get rid of the selfishness before it killed me which, according to the big book, is almost impossible to do without God's help/ I needed more power than I had.
So I made a decision to connect to the Power supply. That didn't mean I was immediately connected, it was just a decision. The next thing to do was plug in and turn on the switch - what? nothing? Better look at the wiring, a blown fuse? a dirty connector? something was still blocking me. I had to clean the connections, replace the fuse, make sure the way was clear for the Power to flow.
That I did with steps 4-9, and then I had a reliable power supply.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
atta girl Brenda 
This way, sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly, sometimes rockily, though we stray and can find ourselves lost and confused, does lead to times of peace, thrill, fellowship, purpose and meaning - and - power.
Defiance - to degree of willingness toward ahe ahem 'obedience'.... --- just the acceptance of the possibility that there might be *something* in life that is greater than *us* -- lol...well..it opens a floodgate we knew not was there.
I got whacked in the side of the head by an unexpected urge the other day - i could taste it going down...guess im about 8 months since my decision, sat up, observed it...it passed quickly without its normal overpowering and DIDN'T come back. Despite tough times and a lousy job doing 'steps', yes, willingness is enough.
Cheers, peace power usefulness and sanity to you!
This way, sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly, sometimes rockily, though we stray and can find ourselves lost and confused, does lead to times of peace, thrill, fellowship, purpose and meaning - and - power.Defiance - to degree of willingness toward ahe ahem 'obedience'.... --- just the acceptance of the possibility that there might be *something* in life that is greater than *us* -- lol...well..it opens a floodgate we knew not was there.
I got whacked in the side of the head by an unexpected urge the other day - i could taste it going down...guess im about 8 months since my decision, sat up, observed it...it passed quickly without its normal overpowering and DIDN'T come back. Despite tough times and a lousy job doing 'steps', yes, willingness is enough.
Cheers, peace power usefulness and sanity to you!
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