bookmaven

Just discovered that I belong here. My sister tried to tell me this several years ago and I blew her off saying there was no alcoholism, abuse, or neglect in our childhood.

I didn't want to hear it. But I've been learning a lot about myself lately and it's true. My family of origin was dysfunctional.

I am so confused. Can you give me some advice about where to start? I can find meetings ok. I just have not been to any yet as this only came out 2 days ago.

Thanks!

Kialua

Welcome! Something that helped me a lot is the stickies above. There is a lot of personal examples and stories that related to my growing up years. Things that I knew were awful and things that I thought were "normal" but weren't. It was so nice to find a place where people had background. That and the ACoA first book. There is a list of books in the stickies too that are really eye openers and helpful. The blog available here on site was useful to write down my memories and "deposit" them without any comments, and drop them. I had heard about writing my traumas before but I just never could, it was too painful. For some reason the blog really helped sort out the stuff I needed to sort out.

FenwayFaithful

Raise your hand at your first meeting tell them you're new that you've just accepted that you're an addict and you need help. You'll get numbers and support. Go to a meeting every day, get a sponsor with some time who will keep you accountable. The denial is the hardest part to over come but there are other hurdles too but when you make it to the other side it's all worth it, or so I've been told. I've been trying to get this recovery thing for 6 years but haven't surrendered to the fact that I can't do it alone until now. As they say in every meeting I go to DON'T PICK UP! That's the most important thing and the only thing you have to do perfectly every day.

bookmaven

Kailua, I use the app on my iPhone and I always forget about the stickies lol. That's exactly what kind of stuff I am looking for.

CodeJob

DoubleDragons

As a teenager I started questioning if things were normal in my FOO. But this made me feel so guilty and conflicted. I was the "good" kid and my sister was the "rebel." We were made to believe that my sister was the source of all of our family problems, but really she was just crying for help. So, ironically, she got into therapy earlier than I did and she got validation that our family was MESSED UP!

I started by just reading books that resonated with me. I then got into therapy in my early twenties and learned that my parents likely were narcissists and my mother probably had other personality disorders. My mom has since become a raging alcoholic. When you are told your whole life that your family is "right and good and the perfect arbiter of normal", it is really hard to discern what is real and what isn't real, especially when dysfunctional families are especially good at putting on "the image". What helped me the most was joining an on-line support group for children of narcissists. My sister belonged to the same group and it was really cathartic. I have spent my entire adult life trying different boundaries with my FOO. I find what works best is when I am at my best, confidence-wise. Most of us raised this way are very codependent people and have a hard time focusing on ourselves, but really that is what we have to do, to get better.

Kialua

After I moved out at 18 I spent many nights worrying about my younger sister whom I always shielded from my abusive dad, taking the blows for her. When I asked her if she needed to be safe from my abusive alcoholic dad she said, "No YOU are the problem. He has been really nice since YOU left. He buys me pizza and ice cream and everything I want. YOU were just a bad daughter." So she was taught and so she believed, even while seeing me take blows for her with her own eyes. We are polite and love each other but have no ties anymore. Our family therapist said she can't be around me for fear of destroying her imaginary world.

bookmaven

Thanks for sharing.

It was last spring when my sister told me her side of the story. I was in denial and minimized it, dismissing it as "they did the best they could." I was newly sober and not even close to being ready to hear or think about any of that.

Then last summer at a family event I witnessed my mom say something very nice to me right in front of my sister, and then turn to my sister and say something very mean to her in a nice voice. At the time I was more concerned about what everyone was drinking and how many drinks they had. I remember feeling uncomfortable and like I wanted to stick up for my sister, but my mom seemed totally oblivious to the fact that what she'd said was hurtful. I also wanted to "protect" my mom by not calling her out on that because in the past something like that would have made her cry and she'd carry on and say she felt terrible and didn't mean to hurt anyone.

Now I'm sober, and not getting what I need to further my recovery from AA. When I mention things about being codependent people look at me like I'm from Mars. I wish I could explain it better, but I guess, as I just learned today, that is also a symptom of codependency.

I want to talk to my sister, but I have mostly avoided her since all that happened last year. We live 5 miles apart!

Ugh, now I'm projecting all kinds of scenarios about how horribly wrong that conversation would go.

Thanks for reading.

happybeingme

I can understand a lot of that. I found for me that over time my recovery wasn't simply my addiction to alcohol but all sorts of different issues. I expanded my recovery to include ACOA and Al-Anon type work. I have never been an adherent of any one program but instead seek answers to my problems in many different areas. This may be helpful for you to do as well.

Rio97

I think I need this forum. Child of AF and narcisstic mother, who divorced when I was young. Growing up in a home with mother and narcisstic from hell older sisters. Needless to say, I've felt like a walking target my entire life. When I found alcohol, naturally I took to it. But I've got this aching suspicion that my issues run deeper than simply liking to drink too much. Much of my drinking was self-medicating. Like Bookmaven said, AA seems lacking in this department, compounded by the fact that both of my sisters are in AA, although you'd never know it. They're basically dry. Anyway, it makes it uncomfortable for me. This ACOA thing seems like it would help me, although as a male, that's hard for me to admit. Soldier on, soldier. Right?

Anyway, thanks for the shares, this is all eye-opening for me.

Rio97

Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have intruded on your thread and should've started my own. My apologies.

bookmaven

You are welcome here! This thread is about being new to the idea that ACoA can offer us insight where before we had only confusion and frustration.

I knew I was codependent for a long time. I just didn't know how to get better. It seems like now I might have a solution. Or have found a helping hand.

I looked for meetings in my area. There are very few and interfere with my work schedule. I did ask to take a half day in a few weeks so I could attend one. If it seems like a fit I can adjust my hours accordingly.

There is a meeting on my day off that is a bit farther than I would normally travel for a meeting so I automatically discounted it. But I decided to map it out and it's really only about 10 miles further away, just in the opposite direction. I'm going to try that one too.

Thanks everyone!

Rio97

Thanks, it feels good to find like-minded people and who have been through similar circumstances.

happybeingme

Rio there are several men here who pop in occasionally. The moderator here is male as well.

Rio97

Good to know, thx

DesertEyes

Hello Rio, and pleased to "meet" you.

No worries, it's a very small forum and we're very casual. Feel free to start your own thread, or not.

Well yeah, their primary purpose is the chemical addiction. That's why we started ACoA, so we could have our own program with our own primary purpose.

That's one of the "brain washings" I had to overcome in my own recovery. Women are told they have no brain and us guys are told we have no feelings. No wonder society is such a mess.

I have learned that there is no shame in admiting ignorance, and requesting training in a particualr skill. Dealing with life, and all the ***** that it throws at us, is a learned skill. I was born with only a handful of reflexes, everything else I know I learned along the way. It just so happens that my parents were completely unqalified to raise a child, so now I have to "make up" the bad training in ACoA.

In my ACoA group we have a bunch of guys. One of them is a huge construction worker who comes to work with his hard hat, gloves and pick up truck. Another guy is a pro rugby player, we have a couple of cops, a couple of bad-boy bikers. Over-the-top macho guys, who are just regular people on the inside.

The way I see it, "soldier on" is for the battlefield. ACoA is where we fix all the "injuries" done to us as children.

Mike

DesertEyes

Hello bookmaven,

Al-anon has meetings that focus on ACoA issues. They have a few books and pamphlets specifically for us ACoA's. Even though it's a different organization I have found that their ACoA focus meetings are very helpful. There is one here in my area where every single person is ACoA, they just never got around to converting the al-anon meet into an ACoA meet.

Mike

Rio97

Thanks Mike, that's a big help. I actually looked online for any meetings in my area, but couldn't find any. That's interesting about the guys in your group. Pretty cool. Nonetheless, I look forward to learning more both on the forum and other places. After posting what I posted and getting your response, I already feel better. I feel like I've been carrying around a 500 lb weight, that no one understood. Thx again.

CodeJob

Hi Bookmaven,

You don't have to say a lot to open the door with your sister. Just acknowledge that you did hear what she said even though at the time you minimized it. Tell her you have been thinking about it after watching your mom say what she did to her. That's all you have to do. You don't have to get into what you are working on if you aren't ready.

My grandmother was quite a bit older than her youngest sister. I used to watch them argue over their childhood memories. It came down to the fact they were both right. My grandmother was raised dirt poor by two drunks and by the time my aunt came along, my great-grandmother had stopped drinking or stabilized enough to hold a job which stabilized the family quite a bit. Everyone doted on my aunt as she was the baby. She had a pretty decent childhood.

Take care!

Verte

It is amazing how different the experiences can be among siblings - sometimes the only similarity being the time.

Really excellent advice in this thread. Thanks Bookmaven. Hope you are doing well these days.