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Back after a long, long time...

Old 09-11-2014, 12:03 PM
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Back after a long, long time...

Hi Everyone, I don't imagine there's anyone left here who remembers me. Anyway, my name is Anita and I'm an ACoA. I used to frequent this board quite a bit when I first realized where a lot of my problems were coming from--my alcoholic father and codependent mother, etc. I won't tell that story today. Sadly, I'm in kind of a bad place right now and really have nowhere to turn. When I first started recovery, I had a boyfriend, who I'm still with--this was at least 9-10 years ago. I will not be totally negative, because I made a lot of big and important changes with him and because of him. When I first started recovery I was in a mortgage banking job, not enjoying it, not feeling challenged--basically feeling like a loser. He supported me as I went back to school--twice. Since that time I've acquire two masters degrees and a career that I completely adore. I mean, I seriously LOVE it. We've been through a lot since then--including me moving to another state for two years for my first professional job to gain experience. I've seen the signs throughout our relationship that he was an online sex addict, but I didn't want to believe it. I raged at him, begged him, bargained with him, blah blah blah To no avail, as I've just found more evidence that while he promised me he loved me and he promised me he'd change, we're back in the same position and I'm planning to confront him pretty soon. I want to make sure my evidence and ducks are all in a row before I do so--so it probably won't be until next week. I feel so stupid that I didn't see this coming--and I'm sad because there have been lots of good times and the last 12 years haven't all been awful. And it's been 12 years--I thought this was forever. I think we're going to break up, and I'm fortunate that I have a good job now and enough money that I can easily take care of myself and my cat. I fear this, but I know it's something I have to do. I've been carrying this around and acting "normal" for several weeks now--which we all know that "acting normal" and "being strong" are the forte for "hero children" like myself. So I guess now I'm just looking for some support--this isn't something I feel able to take to my friends or family--I don't want to down-talk him--that's not my goal. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally angry at the way things have happened--but I'm not out for revenge or for him to look or feel bad--I just want to free myself to pursue my own happiness again. So here I am--I didn't think I'd be back here, but this is the one place where I've felt some support over the years--and felt understood. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:24 PM
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They say people come into our lives for a reason, and it shows a lot that you recognize the good he has brought to your life. It's also beautiful for an ACoA to recognize that someone they dearly love is no longer someone they should have in their life. I'm sure the coming weeks, months, and possibly longer will be hard for you. I wish you all the strength and comfort you can find, and I commend you for being aware of yourself and your needs enough to do what is best for you.
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Old 09-11-2014, 01:35 PM
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Payne,

Thanks so much for the encouragement. You have no idea how much you've touched me with just a few words. I also anticipate that things are going to be hard for a while. I'm keenly seeing now how much I've grown since I first started coming here--back in 2005 or 2006. It's truly bittersweet--but thank you so much!
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Old 09-11-2014, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by payne View Post
they say people come into our lives for a reason, and it shows a lot that you recognize the good he has brought to your life. It's also beautiful for an acoa to recognize that someone they dearly love is no longer someone they should have in their life. I'm sure the coming weeks, months, and possibly longer will be hard for you. I wish you all the strength and comfort you can find, and i commend you for being aware of yourself and your needs enough to do what is best for you.
+1

(And don't stay away so long next time.) :-)
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Old 09-12-2014, 09:22 PM
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Hello Search4Serenity, and welcome back

I second... er... third what has been said, you are making great progress in healing from the damage of an alcoholic childhood.

I was married to lovely woman for 20 years. I won't go into the whole story. What is relevant is that the marriage ended when she started running around with married guys. I am also the "hero child" and those old reflexes just made everything worse.

What helped me the most was to get involved in _both_ ACoA and Al-Anon. ACoA helped me understand my emotions, Al-Anon helped me decide what actions to take. We have a very good forum "next door"

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I hope we can give you the support you need. I'm sorry you had to seek support in the first place, know that we are here for you.

Mike
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Old 09-13-2014, 07:20 AM
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Mike,

Thanks so much for your insight. I may go check out the Al-Anon board as well--since it looks like I've managed to get myself involved with an addict. Just because he's not drinking doesn't mean there are no issues for me. I feel like I've been duped--it's easy to see he's not an alcoholic like my dad (whew!), but it looks like I've managed to replicate that situation anyway.

I also think that some ideas on what to do next are definitely in order. Thanks so much for the support--it makes me feel like I can do this!
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