Search4Serenity

Hi Everyone, I don't imagine there's anyone left here who remembers me. Anyway, my name is Anita and I'm an ACoA. I used to frequent this board quite a bit when I first realized where a lot of my problems were coming from--my alcoholic father and codependent mother, etc. I won't tell that story today. Sadly, I'm in kind of a bad place right now and really have nowhere to turn. When I first started recovery, I had a boyfriend, who I'm still with--this was at least 9-10 years ago. I will not be totally negative, because I made a lot of big and important changes with him and because of him. When I first started recovery I was in a mortgage banking job, not enjoying it, not feeling challenged--basically feeling like a loser. He supported me as I went back to school--twice. Since that time I've acquire two masters degrees and a career that I completely adore. I mean, I seriously LOVE it. We've been through a lot since then--including me moving to another state for two years for my first professional job to gain experience. I've seen the signs throughout our relationship that he was an online sex addict, but I didn't want to believe it. I raged at him, begged him, bargained with him, blah blah blah To no avail, as I've just found more evidence that while he promised me he loved me and he promised me he'd change, we're back in the same position and I'm planning to confront him pretty soon. I want to make sure my evidence and ducks are all in a row before I do so--so it probably won't be until next week. I feel so stupid that I didn't see this coming--and I'm sad because there have been lots of good times and the last 12 years haven't all been awful. And it's been 12 years--I thought this was forever. I think we're going to break up, and I'm fortunate that I have a good job now and enough money that I can easily take care of myself and my cat. I fear this, but I know it's something I have to do. I've been carrying this around and acting "normal" for several weeks now--which we all know that "acting normal" and "being strong" are the forte for "hero children" like myself. So I guess now I'm just looking for some support--this isn't something I feel able to take to my friends or family--I don't want to down-talk him--that's not my goal. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally angry at the way things have happened--but I'm not out for revenge or for him to look or feel bad--I just want to free myself to pursue my own happiness again. So here I am--I didn't think I'd be back here, but this is the one place where I've felt some support over the years--and felt understood. Thanks for listening.