Flashback
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
Flashback
I just felt like I needed to share this. Here I sit, at the reference desk, it's quiet in the library right now and I was thinking. Suddenly, I got this flashback that I don't think I remembered for many years. Obviously, I could tell that it had been lurking in some buried part of my mind--but it hadn't presented itself in a really long time.
I remember I was probably like 5-7 years old. It's pretty fuzzy, so I must have been pretty young. It was the middle of the afternoon and I went somewhere with my dad. I vaguely remember following him down the sidewalk to the bar and thinking that it was a place that I wasn't allowed to go into. We went in anyway. I remember my dad sitting at the bar and not letting me sit at the bar--which I hated. I thought I should be able to sit on one of those cool bar stools too. I remember wandering around a little bit and wanting to play a game--I'm thinking it was dartboard. I remember that I thought it smelled like urine in there and I didn't like that much. The place was mostly empty.
Then I remember my mom coming in and she was mad. I didn't understand why she was mad--I felt like I had done something wrong--because usually when she was mad that meant I was about to "get it." Surprised that she didn't yell at me, I just let her take me out of there and we went home. I don't think anyone ever talked about that again.
It's just crazy how things surface--that seems to be what I'm marveling at right now. This doesn't really trigger me too much--which I find to be a surprise. Although I didn't consciously remember this event until just now--I think I must be past the point where it freaks me out. There is no surprise here.
What I am surprised about is that it's not triggering any anger or bad feelings. It's shocking because there was a time where I would've been reduced to a crying, drooling mess by this memory. Now I'm like "yeah, he was an alcoholic--and it made my mom crazy--and there I was caught in the middle." I don't feel anger at either of them, I don't feel that overwhelming disappointment that I once had when I thought about stuff like that, I don't even feel like I was robbed. It is what it is.
Maybe I'm just having a really good day? lol Just thought I'd share this--I never thought I'd feel this way.
I remember I was probably like 5-7 years old. It's pretty fuzzy, so I must have been pretty young. It was the middle of the afternoon and I went somewhere with my dad. I vaguely remember following him down the sidewalk to the bar and thinking that it was a place that I wasn't allowed to go into. We went in anyway. I remember my dad sitting at the bar and not letting me sit at the bar--which I hated. I thought I should be able to sit on one of those cool bar stools too. I remember wandering around a little bit and wanting to play a game--I'm thinking it was dartboard. I remember that I thought it smelled like urine in there and I didn't like that much. The place was mostly empty.
Then I remember my mom coming in and she was mad. I didn't understand why she was mad--I felt like I had done something wrong--because usually when she was mad that meant I was about to "get it." Surprised that she didn't yell at me, I just let her take me out of there and we went home. I don't think anyone ever talked about that again.
It's just crazy how things surface--that seems to be what I'm marveling at right now. This doesn't really trigger me too much--which I find to be a surprise. Although I didn't consciously remember this event until just now--I think I must be past the point where it freaks me out. There is no surprise here.
What I am surprised about is that it's not triggering any anger or bad feelings. It's shocking because there was a time where I would've been reduced to a crying, drooling mess by this memory. Now I'm like "yeah, he was an alcoholic--and it made my mom crazy--and there I was caught in the middle." I don't feel anger at either of them, I don't feel that overwhelming disappointment that I once had when I thought about stuff like that, I don't even feel like I was robbed. It is what it is.
Maybe I'm just having a really good day? lol Just thought I'd share this--I never thought I'd feel this way.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
Thanks Mracoa! I really never thought I would feel this way. When I first started recovery and actually acknowledging that there was in fact dysfunction in my family--the pain was just so intense it took my breath away--I really didn't think a person could hurt like that and survive. I'm so grateful for it this 
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