I (still) hate my mother
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I (still) hate my mother
No other way to say it. Despite the fact that I know it is her disease that is making her act the way she does and that led to all the abuse I suffered at her hands, I still hate her. Each and every attempt I've made to "help" her -- from begging her to stop smoking as a small child to sitting with her during her psychotic episodes brought on by binge drinking while in middle school to promising to keep her "secret" that she was dying of cancer (a lie) during high school -- all I ever got in return was contempt for implying she had a problem. Even when, within the last 10 years, she finally stopped drinking after I cut contact with her and told her she'd never see her grandson when she failed to show up after his birth because she was drunk, my "healthy boundaries" have only been met with more contempt when I dared to imply that they may have had something to do with her quitting.
Although she no longer drinks, she abuses prescription drugs regularly, and this has landed her in the ER three times in the past three years or so. I learned long long ago to shut off any emotion when dealing with such things in order to survive these ordeals; and now my family (father and brother, who enable her in many ways) turns to me to be the "voice of reason" in such situations, as I remain outwardly pretty stoic about it all and -- I will admit -- get a degree of satisfaction from being the one "in control."
Still, inwardly I hate her with nearly every fiber of my being. She is the reason for my co-dependency, for my feelings of guilt and shame, for my shortcomings as a husband, father, and son. (I know this is not really true, but that's frequently how I feel.) I know now is the time to begin to let go of this, but I'm unsure how to do so. She is old and in very poor health. I don't want her to die while I am still holding these grudges, but I know she will likely go to her grave clinging to her contempt. Where do I start, and how does this finally end?
Although she no longer drinks, she abuses prescription drugs regularly, and this has landed her in the ER three times in the past three years or so. I learned long long ago to shut off any emotion when dealing with such things in order to survive these ordeals; and now my family (father and brother, who enable her in many ways) turns to me to be the "voice of reason" in such situations, as I remain outwardly pretty stoic about it all and -- I will admit -- get a degree of satisfaction from being the one "in control."
Still, inwardly I hate her with nearly every fiber of my being. She is the reason for my co-dependency, for my feelings of guilt and shame, for my shortcomings as a husband, father, and son. (I know this is not really true, but that's frequently how I feel.) I know now is the time to begin to let go of this, but I'm unsure how to do so. She is old and in very poor health. I don't want her to die while I am still holding these grudges, but I know she will likely go to her grave clinging to her contempt. Where do I start, and how does this finally end?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I just started ACA meetings. Are you attending? I'm in another 12 step program as well, but I can already tell this one is going to be so much harder. But it is getting to the root cause...
I think as we read, get a sponsor, attend meetings and work the steps, we can release that anger and find that needed peace. Are you moving towards these steps?
Codependency No More also helped me with those control issues. Loving detachment is a beautiful thing and has led me to clarity and (better) peace.
I think as we read, get a sponsor, attend meetings and work the steps, we can release that anger and find that needed peace. Are you moving towards these steps?
Codependency No More also helped me with those control issues. Loving detachment is a beautiful thing and has led me to clarity and (better) peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
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don't give up
Originally Posted by deven 
Where do I start, and how does this finally end?
my mother and I had sever problems between us for many years
I held deep resentments towards her
I prayed and forgive her over and over
asked God to please help me (us) with this
for I know that blessings come to us for honoring and loving our parents
yes - we know deep inside this is what we are suppose to do
after a while mom was in her 80s
I thought there would never be a change between us
what happen
it was a miracle
she turned into an almost saint
she has been super sweet now for a few years
note
in the old days she flipped out most every month
so bottom line
don't give up
keep forgiving her
pray for the two of you to be loving towards each other
keep your side of the street clean
so at least later on if she should die
you will not feel guilty for falling short on your end
thinking that I should have loved her more, tried harder, done better
I held deep resentments towards her
I prayed and forgive her over and over
asked God to please help me (us) with this
for I know that blessings come to us for honoring and loving our parents
yes - we know deep inside this is what we are suppose to do
after a while mom was in her 80s
I thought there would never be a change between us
what happen
it was a miracle
she turned into an almost saint
she has been super sweet now for a few years
note
in the old days she flipped out most every month
so bottom line
don't give up
keep forgiving her
pray for the two of you to be loving towards each other
keep your side of the street clean
so at least later on if she should die
you will not feel guilty for falling short on your end
thinking that I should have loved her more, tried harder, done better
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
I held a lot of resentment toward my father for many years. His drinking and attitude cause many problems in my life growing up. It took me many years to realize after I grew up and didn't rely on him anymore as a child needs to, that I can't keep on blaming him for my actions and attitude. I need to learn to parent myself and 'grow up'. It's not easy, but through reading and attending meetings and therapy it's getting better a day at a time.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
I just got an e-mail from my father talking about how -- even after her most recent hospitalization following seizures from abusing meds -- she still has some Ambien or something stashed/hidden away and is sleepwalking and falling down. Sooner rather than later she will (again) fall down the stairs and kill herself. We have begged, pleaded, babysat, and obtained medical help for her, and she still -- after nearly 40 years -- continues to behave this way. I will continue to pray, but at this point I can barely be bothered to care anymore. This type of $#!+ makes me furious, and it's killing my father in the process.
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Posts: 1,437
deven, I understand the dilema you are in. Forgiving my guilty, underserving parents, the alcoholic and the enabler, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I did. It really isn't for their sake, it's for your sake. Sounds like you've done a good job trying to build your own life without supportive parents and even taken the lead. Emotionally disconnecting is a tool that is helpful there. Holding onto this grudge is only eating you up whether or not you acknowledge it. Here's a couple thread we had discussing these topics here on the forum in case you haven't seen them. Maybe this will help you think differently about why and how you should forgive them.
Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....)
How do you detatch emotionally?
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (How do you detatch emotionally?)
Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....)
How do you detatch emotionally?
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (How do you detatch emotionally?)
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Your story sounds so similar to my own,
except Im a daughter of a mother who in
her own sickness with alcohol and meds,
cause physical, verbal, emotional abuse
on me and not my other 3 siblings.
I am the only child in recovery for alcoholism
for the past 22yrs and continue to live in my
recovery life following the steps and principles
set down for us to encorperate in my everyday
life.
For me, I had to, chose to, disconnect and
sever all ties with my family because of the
illness that still inhabits them. Because I am
in recovery living a healthier, happier, honest
life a day at a time, I can no longer infect myself
with that kind of sick inviroment. To do so would
cause me to get infect again and today my recovery
life is more important and sacred to me.
Today, I have placed all those I can not change
or accept the way that they are meant to be
into the Hands of my Higher Power or God of
my understanding, for safe care and keeping.
In doing so, it takes all negative feelings I have
for them and let my HP take care of it so that I
can continue to live a healthy and sober life in recovery.
Thank God I don't have to carry that burden on
my shoulders any longer.
except Im a daughter of a mother who in
her own sickness with alcohol and meds,
cause physical, verbal, emotional abuse
on me and not my other 3 siblings.
I am the only child in recovery for alcoholism
for the past 22yrs and continue to live in my
recovery life following the steps and principles
set down for us to encorperate in my everyday
life.
For me, I had to, chose to, disconnect and
sever all ties with my family because of the
illness that still inhabits them. Because I am
in recovery living a healthier, happier, honest
life a day at a time, I can no longer infect myself
with that kind of sick inviroment. To do so would
cause me to get infect again and today my recovery
life is more important and sacred to me.
Today, I have placed all those I can not change
or accept the way that they are meant to be
into the Hands of my Higher Power or God of
my understanding, for safe care and keeping.
In doing so, it takes all negative feelings I have
for them and let my HP take care of it so that I
can continue to live a healthy and sober life in recovery.
Thank God I don't have to carry that burden on
my shoulders any longer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Thanks, all, for the replies. I am perfectly willing to initiate an intervention and finally tell her that while I love her and cherish many of my earliest memories with her -- driving to pick up my brother from Kindergarten together; trips to the mall and eating at the small-town drugstore together; the parties she used to throw for us and the care and love that went into them -- that the person that did those things has been missing for some time due to the drug abuse (all the scripted-type TV intervention stuff). Problem is, no one else in my family is willing to take this step. I guess I'm scared to cut off support to my father, who is living the same nightmare I lived and, in part at least, managed to escape from.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I don't think anyone suggested an intervention. And if no one else in the family will support that it won't do any good. I think you might be in panic mode trying to find something to DO that will help. My dad was incarcerated at 80 years old and only then did we have an intervention which did help, but truthfully only the incarceration helped. Caring about what happens to your Dad is misplaced, he is the enabler. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. He has made his bed long long ago and nothing you do or don't do will help him until he helps himself. The first person to help is yourself. We have often said here that helping yourself is like being in a plane crash:
You have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help someone else get theirs on, or you will die helping.
But even after you help yourself there is no guaranty that you will be able to make a change in your mothers life. Another saying we have here is the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
You have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help someone else get theirs on, or you will die helping.
But even after you help yourself there is no guaranty that you will be able to make a change in your mothers life. Another saying we have here is the three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
My heart goes out to you Deven. I think you already know a bit of my story, we PMed a few times. I can certainly understand your dilemma. It's heart-wrenching. All I can say is to go with your gut instinct... and just remember that what she does is not your responsibility in the end. Loving someone doesn't mean we have to suffer for them needlessly.
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Thanks for this. The part in the thread about forgiving vs. absolving a parent for not having provided a childhood really hit home. The first way I managed to establish some sort of distance was pretty (necessarily) extreme: I moved 5,000 miles away to Europe to go to grad school.
Problem there was, I moved to a town full of breweries. And, as everything academically in my life had been easy to that point, I spent a lot of time learning more about beer drinking and brewing than about utilizing the distance to understand my past. Granted, I was young (23) and just needed space, time, and a life to myself...but I am now realizing that this is where I am still stuck. In Germany, my drinking patterns didn't raise any flags (given the history of that country and its different mores). But the guilt and shame that I was no better than my mother because I, too, liked to drink has followed and haunted me to this day.
Basically I think I was finally living my childhood out over there, being taken care of by their generous social system and being praised for my academic achievements. But now I have to let that go, and it's very hard for me to do so. It's not so much that I feel addicted to drinking, it's just that so much of my happy times there consisted of hanging out with friends, riding bikes out to the beer gardens, and drinking a couple of beers before riding back. Also compounding the problem is that my roommate from that time is now my brewing buddy. I finally came alive over there, and I'm afraid I will lose a big part of myself if I simply let it go. Sad.
Problem there was, I moved to a town full of breweries. And, as everything academically in my life had been easy to that point, I spent a lot of time learning more about beer drinking and brewing than about utilizing the distance to understand my past. Granted, I was young (23) and just needed space, time, and a life to myself...but I am now realizing that this is where I am still stuck. In Germany, my drinking patterns didn't raise any flags (given the history of that country and its different mores). But the guilt and shame that I was no better than my mother because I, too, liked to drink has followed and haunted me to this day.
Basically I think I was finally living my childhood out over there, being taken care of by their generous social system and being praised for my academic achievements. But now I have to let that go, and it's very hard for me to do so. It's not so much that I feel addicted to drinking, it's just that so much of my happy times there consisted of hanging out with friends, riding bikes out to the beer gardens, and drinking a couple of beers before riding back. Also compounding the problem is that my roommate from that time is now my brewing buddy. I finally came alive over there, and I'm afraid I will lose a big part of myself if I simply let it go. Sad.
Originally Posted by Kialua
deven, I understand the dilema you are in. Forgiving my guilty, underserving parents, the alcoholic and the enabler, was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I did. It really isn't for their sake, it's for your sake. Sounds like you've done a good job trying to build your own life without supportive parents and even taken the lead. Emotionally disconnecting is a tool that is helpful there. Holding onto this grudge is only eating you up whether or not you acknowledge it. Here's a couple thread we had discussing these topics here on the forum in case you haven't seen them. Maybe this will help you think differently about why and how you should forgive them.
Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....)
How do you detatch emotionally?
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (How do you detatch emotionally?)
Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Forgive him?! Forgive her?! no....)
How do you detatch emotionally?
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (How do you detatch emotionally?)
Intent!!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: On a round object hurtling though "space".
Posts: 21
Sending you well wishes Devon. I (also an adult child) spent many years hating my own mother and father, and now can't deal with my own daughter who probably sees herself in a similar position to you -- a difference being that I am clean and sober. Give yourself lots of love ♥
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Ach du lieber! Wow, all the way to Germany, that's amazing, did you have to study in German? My mother was German and all my sibs learned German but I didn't want anything to do with it. Now I regret not learning it. But yes, lots of brew. That is hard. But you have to do what you have to do to be healthy.
Yes, forgiving doesn't mean it didn't happen and we ignore it. But it is essential for your health. There are lots of books about how to forgive, I think we mentioned some in the thread, if not there is a whole book thread in the stickies above as well. I'm glad the posts helped. It is great to be out from under the control of unforgiveness. I hope it works for you.
Yes, forgiving doesn't mean it didn't happen and we ignore it. But it is essential for your health. There are lots of books about how to forgive, I think we mentioned some in the thread, if not there is a whole book thread in the stickies above as well. I'm glad the posts helped. It is great to be out from under the control of unforgiveness. I hope it works for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Yea, anything less than 5,000 miles wasn't going to do 
And, yes, I studied German (in German). Again, I think I needed to completely lose my identity before I could begin to rebuild it. Of course, I now see that rebuilding it at 23 with all the baggage I was still carrying led me to make some mistakes. Still, I wouldn't (ex)change that experience for the world.
As for forgiveness of my mother: I am working on it. It is a bit easier once I accept that the childhood that was denied me is simply gone. I wish I could have had a proper, healthy one, but now I have to focus on providing that for my child. It's another slap in the face to have to accept, but I'm used to those (literal and figurative) by now.
My real dilemma is about forgiving her to her face/in person. A recent daily prayer on the Jesuit site sacredspace.ie talked about not making your sacrifice at the altar before reconciling with your brother/sister/mother/father/etc. It said to go to them or face judgement that will cost you your last penny. This spoke to me, as we are facing some financial difficulties; but I know if I go to her and say I love her, I forgive her, and/or I want to ask for forgiveness/reconciliation that she will simply take it as an affront and get angry with me.
I know I need to get some of the books on the subject, but I'm assuming that I shouldn't go to her and should instead try to find forgiveness in my heart first -- which I am actually close to finding already.
And, yes, I studied German (in German). Again, I think I needed to completely lose my identity before I could begin to rebuild it. Of course, I now see that rebuilding it at 23 with all the baggage I was still carrying led me to make some mistakes. Still, I wouldn't (ex)change that experience for the world.
As for forgiveness of my mother: I am working on it. It is a bit easier once I accept that the childhood that was denied me is simply gone. I wish I could have had a proper, healthy one, but now I have to focus on providing that for my child. It's another slap in the face to have to accept, but I'm used to those (literal and figurative) by now.
My real dilemma is about forgiving her to her face/in person. A recent daily prayer on the Jesuit site sacredspace.ie talked about not making your sacrifice at the altar before reconciling with your brother/sister/mother/father/etc. It said to go to them or face judgement that will cost you your last penny. This spoke to me, as we are facing some financial difficulties; but I know if I go to her and say I love her, I forgive her, and/or I want to ask for forgiveness/reconciliation that she will simply take it as an affront and get angry with me.
I know I need to get some of the books on the subject, but I'm assuming that I shouldn't go to her and should instead try to find forgiveness in my heart first -- which I am actually close to finding already.
Originally Posted by Kialua
Ach du lieber! Wow, all the way to Germany, that's amazing, did you have to study in German? My mother was German and all my sibs learned German but I didn't want anything to do with it. Now I regret not learning it. But yes, lots of brew. That is hard. But you have to do what you have to do to be healthy.
Yes, forgiving doesn't mean it didn't happen and we ignore it. But it is essential for your health. There are lots of books about how to forgive, I think we mentioned some in the thread, if not there is a whole book thread in the stickies above as well. I'm glad the posts helped. It is great to be out from under the control of unforgiveness. I hope it works for you.
Yes, forgiving doesn't mean it didn't happen and we ignore it. But it is essential for your health. There are lots of books about how to forgive, I think we mentioned some in the thread, if not there is a whole book thread in the stickies above as well. I'm glad the posts helped. It is great to be out from under the control of unforgiveness. I hope it works for you.
Intent!!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: On a round object hurtling though "space".
Posts: 21
Forgiving is mostly for you. It doesn't mean that you should make yourself vulnerable to abuse. If you can forgive her within yourself, and allow her to be who she is at this time, being at peace with that, that's all you need to do. This is so you can have peace, and resolution.
It helped me a lot when I realized that nothing anyone does is personal (Don Miguel Ruiz), and even though it may seem so, when someone does something negative to another person, it is them acting out within their own dark imaginary world. They really can't see you at all.
It helped me a lot when I realized that nothing anyone does is personal (Don Miguel Ruiz), and even though it may seem so, when someone does something negative to another person, it is them acting out within their own dark imaginary world. They really can't see you at all.
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Deven, I tried the f2f thing...am a devout spiritual Christian...but it did not work and instead incited retribution and vindictiveness. My family is all quite religious...without any acceptance of anything but 'traditional' accomplishments. Parents drank heavily but didn't admit it in church, etc. Mother is a long-time alcoholic, but has told remaining sibs that she and Dad drank, but are not alcoholics. They are all true believers...I became the scapegoat. I suffered the past 13 years trying to 'get' things back to where they were when Dad was alive...I was the hero (including learning about addiction, alcoholism, waking up to truth (icky, but healthy)). I am now releasing more to my HP, who I call God...I had to go NC in February...as I realized that in my family, having trouble means to them that I am not a Christian...alcoholic perfectionistic behavior in the church. Would just suggest getting more counsel here before following the biblical procedure. Going through all has strengthened me...but I wish I had had more counsel and understanding from this site first...it goes hand in hand with the spiritual Christianity that sometimes is not present in the other person's belief system. I have forgiven my mom...and was finally able to go NC--13 years...it was hard. I found that when I finished forgiving her...and I went deep...I had started forgiving myself. That is the difference between life this year and life last year at this time. God Bless. Forgiveness is for you!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I understand the verse, I too tried face to face, in a letter to my Dad in lock up treatment. It meant nothing to him, but it was good for me. If you do go that route, DON'T expect anything from her in return. It kind of does a double whammy on them. First, of course they don't think they were that bad, and second, you become superior to them for offering the olive branch that they don't think they need. But if you must do it, do it. I will be praying for you to handle it. Let us know how it goes if you want to share.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
I tried f2f once, just a lot of anger and denial. My sister
Tried to write my father a letter about his attempted rape of her, and got the same anger and denial.
I decided to go no contact with my F of O and couldn't be happier.
It's okay to walk away, it really is. You are not responsible for your mother's well being - she is.
Your responsibility is to yourself, protecting yourself.
I decided to go no contact with my F of O and couldn't be happier.
It's okay to walk away, it really is. You are not responsible for your mother's well being - she is.
Your responsibility is to yourself, protecting yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 24
Well, I was out at my parents' house over the weekend, and I have to say I am beginning to have a new perspective on things. No longer do I feel the immediate dread as I make the drive out there. No longer do I necessarily look at the place as the site of so many horrors and evil acts. Rather I now see it as a place where I basically had to make my way myself -- with all my myriad stumbles, mistakes, and missteps -- and that I managed to escape from, despite all the ways my mother tried to keep me pulled down in the morass of her life. Instead of seeing the schools I attended as places where I fought (sometimes literally) to hide the shame and fear I was facing, I am beginning to see them as places where I managed to learn skills (such as the German language) that helped me find a new path and a new life. I hope I can continue on this healing path.
But even in my escape to my new life, some of those demons managed to follow me. Not only did I not have a childhood, but my mother's addictions would haunt my new life in Germany as well, with the guilt and shame I felt after I would have drinks with all of the other exchange students. Although I was the one who always maintained control and refused to get too wild, I would still be the one feeling the most guilt the next day about drinking. I feel like not only was my chance at having a normal childhood taken away by my mother's addictions, but also any chance I have of leading a normal adult life that involves friends, parties, and alcohol is haunted and plagued by the same demons.
So while I think I am on my way to letting go of the anger about the childhood I was denied, I am still angry about the shame, guilt, and dysfunction that seems to plague me wherever I go as an adult. I got a clear message at Mass yesterday that it is not my place in life to try and earn God's love through controlling all my actions in an attempt to be perfect; that God loves me as I am and have always been, purely out of the abundance of His love. Still, these demons seem to follow me and are always waiting for me to slip up so that they can again move in and take over.
But even in my escape to my new life, some of those demons managed to follow me. Not only did I not have a childhood, but my mother's addictions would haunt my new life in Germany as well, with the guilt and shame I felt after I would have drinks with all of the other exchange students. Although I was the one who always maintained control and refused to get too wild, I would still be the one feeling the most guilt the next day about drinking. I feel like not only was my chance at having a normal childhood taken away by my mother's addictions, but also any chance I have of leading a normal adult life that involves friends, parties, and alcohol is haunted and plagued by the same demons.
So while I think I am on my way to letting go of the anger about the childhood I was denied, I am still angry about the shame, guilt, and dysfunction that seems to plague me wherever I go as an adult. I got a clear message at Mass yesterday that it is not my place in life to try and earn God's love through controlling all my actions in an attempt to be perfect; that God loves me as I am and have always been, purely out of the abundance of His love. Still, these demons seem to follow me and are always waiting for me to slip up so that they can again move in and take over.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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A lot of insight, a lot of growth in a short time.
I too missed out on socializing with friends at parties because I had to give up drinking at an early age. Throughout high school I drank to excess, gee I wonder why, and it had to stop. People even resent me being sober but I guess I don't care. Even today a couple friends are arguing over how I should lighten up and take a drink on facebook. Nice. Anyway, do what is best for you, not friends or relatives.
I too missed out on socializing with friends at parties because I had to give up drinking at an early age. Throughout high school I drank to excess, gee I wonder why, and it had to stop. People even resent me being sober but I guess I don't care. Even today a couple friends are arguing over how I should lighten up and take a drink on facebook. Nice. Anyway, do what is best for you, not friends or relatives.
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