Well, I was out at my parents' house over the weekend, and I have to say I am beginning to have a new perspective on things. No longer do I feel the immediate dread as I make the drive out there. No longer do I necessarily look at the place as the site of so many horrors and evil acts. Rather I now see it as a place where I basically had to make my way myself -- with all my myriad stumbles, mistakes, and missteps -- and that I managed to escape from, despite all the ways my mother tried to keep me pulled down in the morass of her life. Instead of seeing the schools I attended as places where I fought (sometimes literally) to hide the shame and fear I was facing, I am beginning to see them as places where I managed to learn skills (such as the German language) that helped me find a new path and a new life. I hope I can continue on this healing path.
But even in my escape to my new life, some of those demons managed to follow me. Not only did I not have a childhood, but my mother's addictions would haunt my new life in Germany as well, with the guilt and shame I felt after I would have drinks with all of the other exchange students. Although I was the one who always maintained control and refused to get too wild, I would still be the one feeling the most guilt the next day about drinking. I feel like not only was my chance at having a normal childhood taken away by my mother's addictions, but also any chance I have of leading a normal adult life that involves friends, parties, and alcohol is haunted and plagued by the same demons.
So while I think I am on my way to letting go of the anger about the childhood I was denied, I am still angry about the shame, guilt, and dysfunction that seems to plague me wherever I go as an adult. I got a clear message at Mass yesterday that it is not my place in life to try and earn God's love through controlling all my actions in an attempt to be perfect; that God loves me as I am and have always been, purely out of the abundance of His love. Still, these demons seem to follow me and are always waiting for me to slip up so that they can again move in and take over.