dark angel

Fear of having to speak, kept me from going to meetings for a long time. When I finally got in enough pain, I went to my first 12 step meeting. I was so releaved to find out I didn't have to share until I was ready. No pressure, I procrastinated for nothing. So don"t be afraid, go to a meeting.

ChillGal

My problem is that I have most of these symptoms but in going to meetings and reading literature it is bringing everything back and now I am angry at everything. I wasn't this angry before I started here or going to Alanon or reading literature. Am I doing something wrong? Yeah sure I hid things, I lied, I resented but I kept it all inside and I thought I was fine. People liked me. I have always had a good relationship with my kids and friends. Now all I can think about is the bad things that have happened. I find I don't want to talk about anything else anymore. I don't know how to turn it off. Before I had accepted that they had happened and thought I was getting on with my life. Now I am obsessed with the literature and it seems everything I read I say Yeah that's me. Oh my aren't I a bad person to be that way. At least I wasn't making everyone else miserable too. Now I am just ANGRY!!!!! It makes me depressed. How does facing everything help when all I am is angry and depressed.

Magichappens

Hey ChillGal,
Do you have a sponsor? Are you working through the steps with her? I started going to meetings and I realized a lot of the same things. The program helps us to open up, but it also starts bringing out the things that are buried. The steps give us a way to deal with that and work through it without burying it again. It helps us to change our perception of it and remove the pain for good. I am in the middle of the process, and it's not an easy place to be, but I have the help of a sponsor who has been there and done it. I believe in her. I don't want to bury it again, so for the time being, the pain is exposed, and I have to live with it. But I really believe that by working through it, I can do something different this time. For most of my life, I went along and buried pain. I can see now that it caused me to do things and put myself in situations that weren't healthy. It built up and came out in inappropriate ways. It wasn't gone, it just waited to explode on me. I don't think I can go back to that. I have to go forward now. I know it will be better. I know that I could never do this alone. Having a sponsor has made a big difference. She has shown me how to live a totally different way, a way that is much better than the way I was living before. She is the mother my mother couldn't be. Mothers are supposed to teach us how to live and deal with things. My mother doesn't deal with anything. She is an angry, scared, lonely person. That is what I learned to be. My sponsor is a free, loving, confident, serene person. I want to learn how to be that. If that takes going through some struggle, I will. Hugs, Magic

Gabe

Magic,
My mother doesn't deal with anything either. The only way she's ever dealt is by diving into a bottle of alcohol or pills.
It has been my life's goal to not be like my mother, so far so good.
But I can identify with the "motherless child" thing.
I'm glad that you've found a sponsor that can give you the "mom stuff" that your own mom can't give you.
Gabe

chess

Me too, I'm lost too. It's so supportive to read these posts and let all this information and stories to sink in. Thank you all.

I'm just starting to deal with my ACOA issues. All these were brought up again in my life after I got back and separated again from my alcoholic boyfriend. So now I'm dealing with AL-ANON issues and ACOA issues. So there's never a dull moment

Thank you all for sharing your stories and so giving me hope.

My love and thanks to your all

ChillGal

"Never a dull moment" I liked that. And Magic I don't have a sponsor yet I have only been to a few meetings. I keep going to a different spot. I keep saying I am not comfortable at that one, I'll try another spot. It is probably just me, but I am still going to keep going back. I have printed out the steps. I feel step one is easy. It is the other 11 that are gonna be hard. Last night I didn't just read, I studied the next one. I think I want it all to happen fast but the one day at a time is STARTING??? to sink in. Thanks again. I am listening and some is getting through. I just feel good that I haven't quit.