Adult Children of Alcoholics

Old 01-16-2004, 04:02 AM
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Adult Children of Alcoholics

I'm in a human relations class in school this semester and read a section in my book about adult children of alcoholics. I found it hit home as I have suffered from every single one of these issues that the book mentions. I felt compelled to share it with the forum as it was enlightening for me.

"The following list is indicative of the extent of the problems that some people face as a result of living in dysfunctional families. It can also help us understand the depth of the healing that must take place in order to have better human relations.

Adult Children of alcoholics:
1. Guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Judge themselves without mercy.
5. Have difficulty having fun.
6. Take themselves very seriously.
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Usually feel they are different from other people.
11. Are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Are extremely loyal, even when evident the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess."

This came from a book by Janet G. Woititz called Adult Children of Alcoholics.

My dad is an alcoholic, my one sibling an older brother is an alcoholic and marijuana addict, I am an alcoholic, and my mother is mentally ill I do believe. It is no wonder why my life has been so difficult. I had no role models and I have been guessing at what normal is my whole life. I often feel intense anger toward my parents for what they did to me, but I realize that I must come to terms with the reality of it all and forgive them in order to heal myself.

I have decided to major in psychology with a minor in sociology and would like to pursue a medical degree after I finish my bachelors degree. I believe I would be an excellent psychiatrist/therapist some day as I have absolute compassion and understanding for people with problems in their lives. I have always had a desire to help people my whole life and frequently find myself in counseling role. I have come to the realization that I must begin by understanding and healing myself. I am hoping my studies will make my healing process even more complete.

My father thinks that I'll never make it through college. He compared me to my mother who jumped from career to career and lacked the ability to stick with anything for any length of time. I believe he thinks I was irresponsible for leaving my career in the telephone industry and am a big f### up for doing so. I think he is wrong about me. I believe someday he will understand how wrong he was to not believe in me. I think he should be ashamed for not supporting me in my attempt to better myself and those in the world around me. A parent should support and encourage his child. He has never really encouraged me to accomplish anything in life, just found things to be negative about. I just didn't want to end up like him, sitting in the bar every afternoon, and continuing the family pattern of dysfunction.



Thanks for listening. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I woke up at 4 a.m. with this on my mind and had to do something with it.
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Old 01-16-2004, 07:49 PM
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Hi Woodtick,

We are extremely loyal and seek approval...those are two things on your list that jump out at me about your relationship with your father. Those things can go away as we get older and know ourselves better. They are also in conflict with each other. Being loyal to someone that offers no approval is a problem itself...don't you think?

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Old 01-17-2004, 09:20 AM
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JT,
Yes, it is, but I don't think I am capable of not being loyal to family. My mother disappeared by chioce about twelve years ago. He is the only parent I have and I guess I'll have to try to make the best of it. Maybe as I progress academically he will start to see the potential. I don't think my father is being disloyal to me so much, I think he doesn't know me well enough and has a real negative perspective on life in general, probably from the booze and my lack of interaction with him. It is disheartening that I don't get his approval but I can't let that get me down.
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Old 04-12-2004, 04:12 PM
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Here's what worked for me. Your mileage may vary.

Volunteering. I picked a cause that I felt passionate about and learned to function in an environment where there were group goals that were not money oriented but community oriented. We all deeply cared about the same thing and I learned I could depend on other people and be patient and work through problems positively. Additionally because I chose a domestic violence org I learned about abuse, abuse cycles and the affects of abuse in a holistic manner. I learned to approach domestic violence and drug use in an objective, educational way which helped me with pattern analysis and avoiding pitfalls, cycles, etc.

Reading. I've done quite a bit of reading on what affects me. I didn't put too much faith into being 'diagnosed' with PTSD but just to see things through I tried to educate myself about it as much as possible. While I don't like to think of myself with a syndrome, I have to admit that it's entirely possible and probably. So, knowledge is power and whatnot.

Inspirational stories. It's a hard, lonely road to overcome abuse, addiction, family dysfunction. I've found I like survival stories. I needed to believe I didn't have to become what the statistics said I probably would, so I looked for inspirational examples.

'Healthy' examples. I know I didn't have them for parents so I looked to friends' parents or just people I had come to know. I've found that people that I assumed had a perfect life or an easy life often times didn't. They've had some serious low points or came from dysfunctional families themselves.

Common sense and instincts. I was raised with four basic emotions: fear, sadness, sense of loss, anger. I knew I had more and I explored them once I was out on my own and had the option to do so. Say please, thank you, show respect, share, follow the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Unless they're unhealthy creeps that want to hurt you. Then you give them the cold shoulder.

Believe... believe it can be done.

We are all here because we come from a line of survivors from our early ancestors to now. Througout millenia they've faced predators, disease, wars, famine, violent crime, political upheaval. Remember that you're from that line of survivors even though the generation or two before you might not have been so great, you have the ability to change that. I couldn't do much about it as a frightened five year old, but I'm a lot bigger now and a whole lot tougher.
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Old 04-17-2004, 11:34 AM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

I am also the adult child of a dysfunctional family and I suddenly felt very sad when I read this post.

I have been in recovery now for Alcoholism for more than six years and have only recently began to look at my life as an ACOA.

I re-read "the thirteen characteristics of ACOA's" and I feel overwhealmed because even now the characteristics are still having an effect on my life and I know I still have an enormous challenge ahead of me.

I believe the dysfunction has existed in my family for genrations but now I know it is up to me to break the cycle.

No longer am I content to allow my past to continue affecting my present.

I am prsently working with a psychologist to help me identify and deal with some of the core childhood issues but it is slow frustrating work sometimes.I want to give up and I want to quit and just continue living my life the way I always have, but then I read messages like this one and I feel encouraged to go on.

Thanks to those of you who take the time to talk about what I know can be a very painful thing.Together I know we can break the cycle.
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Old 04-17-2004, 03:29 PM
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((Peter))
I'm all for breaking the cycle.
I read some characteristics of ACOA's on their website today. The last sentence said: "This is a description, not an indictment."
I really liked that. To me it means that we recognize these traits, work through them, and get onto a healthier, happier life.
Peace,
Gabe

Last edited by Gabe; 04-29-2004 at 03:50 PM.
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Old 04-17-2004, 03:54 PM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

(((((Peter)))))
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Old 04-19-2004, 07:36 AM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

I like what you said in your last post,Journey.

Our thoughts become our actions and become us.We choose our way of thinking.It is what we bring into the world.
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Old 04-19-2004, 08:07 AM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

Adult Children of alcoholics:
1. Guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Judge themselves without mercy.
5. Have difficulty having fun.
6. Take themselves very seriously.
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Usually feel they are different from other people.
11. Are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Are extremely loyal, even when evident the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess."
I've been staring at this for probably 20 minutes now.
I feel good because suddenly some blanks are filled in, yet I feel sad(?) because of what lies ahead.

When I first read this, it was easy to say, not me. But the more I went over it, sitting here alone at the computer, I cannot deny, it's me.

My life right now, how things are going right now, seem to be painful reminder that working on my Substance abuse issues are not enough.

There are so many things I'm thinking right now, many feelings, so many things I think I want to say about this, but I feel exasperated(?), because I don't know where or how to start.

I think I'll just breathe for now.

Good thread.
 
Old 04-19-2004, 08:14 AM
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(((Doug)))
Breathing is a very good thing.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 04-19-2004, 09:58 AM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

((((Doug)))))

Yes, breathing is a good thing.

Trying to figure out where or how to start can be a bit overwhelming. One day, I just asked my HP to work on healing me. After that, he pretty much took over, lol. I think having the willingness to proceed is the key.

No need to force it - trust the process.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 04-19-2004, 03:15 PM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

WOW,

I have been directed to this site and WOW. Do I fit all of these "Yes" I have been at this recovery thing for a long time. Had 81/2 years relapse and been in out ever since. 18 months here, 8 months there and it has been getting shorter all the time. I have asked myself what piece of the puzzle I am I missing. Thanks to my girlfriend I think we have found the answer. I am a Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I did not think this applied to me. But after answering the questions I realize I am and need to do some work on these isuues. Not sure how to or where to start. Feeling a little fearfull and overwhelmed...... This stuff never stops. I hope with the help of ACA, NA, and AA. I (we) can get this moving in the right direction again.

HMAN
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Old 04-19-2004, 06:06 PM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

Evidently Hman, I'm right there with you my friend.

Overwhelmed?...Me too.
Don't know where to start?..Me either.

I've been thinking about this all day, and I'm going to try to find some meetings in my area to go to.

I don't know if I'll be able to speak, but I'll be there. Gotta start somewhere.

While I have some fears about it, (for various reasons), I think some temporary pain would be small price compared to seemingly permenant, lifelong pain I've carried this far.

Best wishes. For all of us.
 
Old 04-19-2004, 07:27 PM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

Uncumfortable and confused is where I sit with this.

I can answer yes to everything on the laundry list except #3 (lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth) - and the uncomfortable inference I draw from that is that I probably just haven't recognized #3 yet.

The confusion comes from not seeing active alcoholism in my parents. I see grief (my mother over the child they lost before I was born) and codependence (my father always very protective of my mother), but not active alcoholism. The other things which I remember are more isolated or subtle - a pair of memories which suggest that my mother may have been actively drinking when I was 4 or so, a story which my father related after my mother died regarding her apparent anorexia after the lost child (Bobby) died and before I was born, and many memories of my mother telling me how wonderful Bobby was and how much I would have liked him.

James
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Old 04-19-2004, 07:29 PM
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HMan,
I'm going to say hi and welcome again. My posts on this board today seem to be going POOF for no apparent reason.
I think the best thing that I ever heard about emotional baggage is that we carry it around as long as we choose to. We are free to set it down whenever we want to.
(And yes JG, that is more wisdom from "Joan of Arcadia". I am growing by leaps and bounds with every new episode.)
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 04-19-2004, 07:38 PM
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Hey there James,
We must have been posting at the same time.
I don't think it's just alcoholism that creates bad patterns in childhood that we carry around like a ball and chain. I think it's any dysfunctional family set up, whatever the cause is. I think the purpose behind ACOA or Adult Children of _______ (fill in the blank) is to make us aware of what we picked up in our past, and to motivate us to to create a better present and future.
I think a really good way to do this is to make friends with your inner child. There has been a lot of psychological ballyhoo about the "wounded inner child". But I think there is also the fun, playful inner child that is just dying to be our best friend. Every time my comes out to play, I just love it. She is the best part of me.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 04-20-2004, 07:31 AM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

It is always good to know we are not alone. I have terminal uniqueness, coupled with a tendency to isolate, so this forum is a great place to break down those walls.

Gabe, The Brothers! Excellent choice!
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Old 04-20-2004, 12:38 PM
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Red face Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

Originally Posted by shyQcodep
...
I can answer yes to everything on the laundry list except #3 (lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth) - and the uncomfortable inference I draw from that is that I probably just haven't recognized #3 yet.
About that #3....!@#$$%Q@# never mind!

This is what I get for posting the night before seeing my therapist. We found one huge lie which I had no substantive need for - but which certainly served an emotional survival purpose.

More later,
James
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Old 04-20-2004, 12:52 PM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

Don't feel bad James,
I feel like my whole life was based on lies; the ones that were told to me made me in turn tell lies. #3 seems simple: Quit lying. But the emotional reasons for lying drive me to continue for fear of being alone. That was the biggest lie I was taught. That I would be unloved and unlovable, not ok, left alone if I didn't do things as the family dynamic demanded. It drove me to places I find shocking today. Witholding of love, and the fear of being alone are powerfully manipulative tools. Therapy, Alanon, the 12 step program, and my seeking of spirituality have taught me that I am loved just as I am. They lied. They were probably lied to also, so I don't blame them. But today I know they were wrong. I am rebuilding my life on the truth. So what that it took 36 years to start. At least it started. For my family, it probably never will. So I'm grateful. And I'm grateful for this forum, grateful for all who share here. Hugs, Magic
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Old 04-25-2004, 09:46 AM
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Re: Adult Children of Alcoholics

ditto, but i think realizing the problem is the best place to start
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