Hey ChillGal,
Do you have a sponsor? Are you working through the steps with her? I started going to meetings and I realized a lot of the same things. The program helps us to open up, but it also starts bringing out the things that are buried. The steps give us a way to deal with that and work through it without burying it again. It helps us to change our perception of it and remove the pain for good. I am in the middle of the process, and it's not an easy place to be, but I have the help of a sponsor who has been there and done it. I believe in her. I don't want to bury it again, so for the time being, the pain is exposed, and I have to live with it. But I really believe that by working through it, I can do something different this time. For most of my life, I went along and buried pain. I can see now that it caused me to do things and put myself in situations that weren't healthy. It built up and came out in inappropriate ways. It wasn't gone, it just waited to explode on me. I don't think I can go back to that. I have to go forward now. I know it will be better. I know that I could never do this alone. Having a sponsor has made a big difference. She has shown me how to live a totally different way, a way that is much better than the way I was living before. She is the mother my mother couldn't be. Mothers are supposed to teach us how to live and deal with things. My mother doesn't deal with anything. She is an angry, scared, lonely person. That is what I learned to be. My sponsor is a free, loving, confident, serene person. I want to learn how to be that. If that takes going through some struggle, I will. Hugs, Magic