Father Passed fr: Alcoholism recently
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Savannah, GA
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Father Passed fr: Alcoholism recently
On July 24 my father passed from kidney, liver and heart failure all due to alcohol abuse. He had just turned 47 three weeks prior and had been drinking as young as 7 or 8 years old.
Fortunately I was able to be with him for a few days before he passed. But before that I had not physically seen him in almost 15 years. I had not heard from him in about 9 years. I turned 26 the day before he passed. And as you can probably tell, he had not been very present for most of my life. And up until I saw him I had come to terms with him not being there. My grandfather had been my stable father figure in my life.
But when I saw him for the first time in years, all those walls that I built up to protect myself just came tumbling down. He didn't know I was coming to see him in the hospital. They had given him 3-4 days left to live and I figured I better go and see him or I would regret it. The moment that I walked him and he saw me he started to cry and he hugged me and said he wasn't going to die now. I was just shocked.
Those few days that I was able to spend with him meant so much to me. I found out that he pretty much kept his distance because he didn't want me to see him in the state he was in most of the time. He knew about all the major things that had happened in my life: my marriage, college, my child, etc. I had no idea that he had been keeping up with me, probably through his family (I had been keeping in contact with them off and on throughout the years). He had always wanted to have a relationship with me, but any time it got close to the day to see me he would just drink and drink and never show up or call. I guess it was nerves.
The things is, now I just don't know how to deal with all of these emotions. I'm sad, angry, confused and pretty much any emotion you can think of. Now that I've seen him I just want to sit and talk with him about anything and everything, but I can't...he's gone. I just don't know how to deal with it now. I just don't know why I miss a person so much that I never really knew.
I know I've written a lot and I'm not sure anyone will read it or reply, but any support would be so greatly appreciated. TIA
Fortunately I was able to be with him for a few days before he passed. But before that I had not physically seen him in almost 15 years. I had not heard from him in about 9 years. I turned 26 the day before he passed. And as you can probably tell, he had not been very present for most of my life. And up until I saw him I had come to terms with him not being there. My grandfather had been my stable father figure in my life.
But when I saw him for the first time in years, all those walls that I built up to protect myself just came tumbling down. He didn't know I was coming to see him in the hospital. They had given him 3-4 days left to live and I figured I better go and see him or I would regret it. The moment that I walked him and he saw me he started to cry and he hugged me and said he wasn't going to die now. I was just shocked.
Those few days that I was able to spend with him meant so much to me. I found out that he pretty much kept his distance because he didn't want me to see him in the state he was in most of the time. He knew about all the major things that had happened in my life: my marriage, college, my child, etc. I had no idea that he had been keeping up with me, probably through his family (I had been keeping in contact with them off and on throughout the years). He had always wanted to have a relationship with me, but any time it got close to the day to see me he would just drink and drink and never show up or call. I guess it was nerves.
The things is, now I just don't know how to deal with all of these emotions. I'm sad, angry, confused and pretty much any emotion you can think of. Now that I've seen him I just want to sit and talk with him about anything and everything, but I can't...he's gone. I just don't know how to deal with it now. I just don't know why I miss a person so much that I never really knew.
I know I've written a lot and I'm not sure anyone will read it or reply, but any support would be so greatly appreciated. TIA
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
My condolences. Let the emotions come, I can totally appreciate the mass of conflicting things you must be feeling. Try not to let guilt or regret linger(easier said than done, I know). You are not responsible for the circumstances. Do be joyful that you had those last few moments with your father. It sounds both painful and wonderful all at the same time.
And who says you can't still talk to him. Pick a nice day to visit his grave, and tell him anything you want. I did that some years ago to say goodbye to my step father. I don't know if he could hear it from where he was, but it warmed my heart.
And who says you can't still talk to him. Pick a nice day to visit his grave, and tell him anything you want. I did that some years ago to say goodbye to my step father. I don't know if he could hear it from where he was, but it warmed my heart.
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Your story brought tears to my eyes.
First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. It makes sense to me that you would miss someone you never really knew, after reading your post.
It sounds like he was trying to protect you from the misery of being exposed to the life of an alcoholic. I'm sorry that you didn't have a chance to get to know him better before he passed.
I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now.
I know that you will find caring support from the people on this forum, and possibly a few people who have been in similar situations and can offer their experience, strength, and hope.
I agree with MrThekla about talking to him if you want to, visiting his resting place or memorial site, or perhaps even writing him a letter.
For me, I know that taking some time out to allow my feelings to flow, rather than trying to push them away, is imperative. Even if it takes a day or two for me to find the time to address strong feelings that have come up for me, I try to do it, because it's the only way that I'm able to truly feel a release from them.
I hope you will gain something from coming to this forum, I know that it has been a tremendous source of comfort and sanity for me.
First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss. It makes sense to me that you would miss someone you never really knew, after reading your post.
It sounds like he was trying to protect you from the misery of being exposed to the life of an alcoholic. I'm sorry that you didn't have a chance to get to know him better before he passed.
I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now.
I know that you will find caring support from the people on this forum, and possibly a few people who have been in similar situations and can offer their experience, strength, and hope.
I agree with MrThekla about talking to him if you want to, visiting his resting place or memorial site, or perhaps even writing him a letter.
For me, I know that taking some time out to allow my feelings to flow, rather than trying to push them away, is imperative. Even if it takes a day or two for me to find the time to address strong feelings that have come up for me, I try to do it, because it's the only way that I'm able to truly feel a release from them.
I hope you will gain something from coming to this forum, I know that it has been a tremendous source of comfort and sanity for me.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Lillyofthevine, I'm so sorry. That you spent time with your dad in his final days is a blessing. I'm sure he felt that his life was complete with you there. It sounds like it was a memorable experience for both of you. It's possible that your dad did stay away from you as you grew up in order to spare you the anguish of witnessing the effects of alcoholism. If so, that may be a blessing, also, as bad as that sounds. The memory of your father's reaction to you being there for him will last forever. And I bet you'll treasure it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Savannah, GA
Posts: 4
Thank you everyone for your replies..I am writing him a letter as a form of therapy I guess. I'm wanting to put it in a bottle w/ his ashes to put out to sea. He loved the ocean very much so I think that's perfect thing for him. I'm just waiting on his wife to send the ashes to me. Unfortunately she is an addict as well, but medications are her drug of choice. So there's no telling if or when she will send them to me. She is out in CA and I'm in GA, so I can't really get them myself.
Another thing that has been helping me to cope is that people have been sending me pictures of my dad and telling stories. He's helped a lot of people whether it be giving them a place to live or actually helping them get over an addiction. I guess it was his way of trying to help others get through what he couldn't do himself. I don't really know. Part of me is really jealous of all these people who got to spend years with him and I barely got a few days. I really am trying not to be angry it's just been hard sometimes...
Thank you again for your support...I'm really glad I found this forum. Take care.
Another thing that has been helping me to cope is that people have been sending me pictures of my dad and telling stories. He's helped a lot of people whether it be giving them a place to live or actually helping them get over an addiction. I guess it was his way of trying to help others get through what he couldn't do himself. I don't really know. Part of me is really jealous of all these people who got to spend years with him and I barely got a few days. I really am trying not to be angry it's just been hard sometimes...
Thank you again for your support...I'm really glad I found this forum. Take care.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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((lilly)) - Neither of my parents were A's, but I can feel your pain. Let the emotions come, sweetie. It's how we work through grief. I know when my mom died (heart problems), I KNEW the stages of grief (was in nursing school and taking "death and dying" 2 weeks after her death), I didn't realize that I would go from one emotion to another in mere seconds, that my dad and I would be in totally different stages...he would want to talk, I wanted to block it out.
My instructor knew about my mom's death. We had to write "musings"...what we felt about what we had learned each week. She ended up damned near being my counselor, as she would always comment on my feelings.
I think the ocean thing is awesome...I've always felt peace at the ocean. The letter? Another good idea. Though not a parent, I have lost loved ones to addiction. I'm an RA, I know the struggle. I find myself talking to them a lot. There are days I am having an AWESOME regular day. I tell my ex-addict bf XABF "I'm going to tuck you in my heart so you can see what recovery is really like".
Don't know if that would help you, but it does help me. Sometimes my chats aren't nearly so nice...when the anger comes out, but it's been a few years, now, and I feel peace. I pray you eventually find that peace, too. It takes time, and again..I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent that way, but it's just something that helped me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My instructor knew about my mom's death. We had to write "musings"...what we felt about what we had learned each week. She ended up damned near being my counselor, as she would always comment on my feelings.
I think the ocean thing is awesome...I've always felt peace at the ocean. The letter? Another good idea. Though not a parent, I have lost loved ones to addiction. I'm an RA, I know the struggle. I find myself talking to them a lot. There are days I am having an AWESOME regular day. I tell my ex-addict bf XABF "I'm going to tuck you in my heart so you can see what recovery is really like".
Don't know if that would help you, but it does help me. Sometimes my chats aren't nearly so nice...when the anger comes out, but it's been a few years, now, and I feel peace. I pray you eventually find that peace, too. It takes time, and again..I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent that way, but it's just something that helped me.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Savannah, GA
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Thank you (Impurrfect) for your kind words and advice. I'm having a really hard time today. This weekend a bunch of my father's friends from all over the country will be getting together to celebrate him and have a memorial service. Unfortunately I can't be there b/c it's about 8 hrs away and I don't think I could make that trip w/ my 6 month old. But one of the ladies putting it together said she's going to around w/ a flip cam and have people tell stories and such for me, so that will be nice. I'm still struggling with the fact that so many people knew him, the real him and I just have no clue. I just wish I could've had that time with him. Today is just a hard day for some reason and I know there will be good and bad from here on out. I'm just so mad that alcohol took my father so young (47) when there are people who are living into their 70s with the same disease. It's just not fair :'(
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
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Sorry for your loss Lily (((hugs))). I lost my father 2 years ago to liver cancer. He was sober for about 25 years but I guess it eventually caught up with him. I prefer to look at it as he got a 25 year bonus. When he was drinking, I didn't know him much as the disease had taken control of him. During sobriety things were better but it was still hard to know him as I missed some pretty formative years without a father. We had a good relationship but never that deep father/son relationship.
When he started getting sick I spent as much time as I could in the hospital with him. We didn't really talk about anything in particular or even anything heavy, we just talked. We talked about him when he was a kid, baseball, mom, how they met, how bad the potholes are, the traffic lights in our small town........ But at the end, even though we didn't discuss things like him not being there for me or how his disease affected me, I had that deep father/son relationship & I still have that, even though he is gone. I only had a few weeks with him, but it overshadows all the years prior. I am eternally grateful for the time I got to spend with him in the hospital, I think it set a lot of our guilt free.
So sorry for your loss,
OhBoy
When he started getting sick I spent as much time as I could in the hospital with him. We didn't really talk about anything in particular or even anything heavy, we just talked. We talked about him when he was a kid, baseball, mom, how they met, how bad the potholes are, the traffic lights in our small town........ But at the end, even though we didn't discuss things like him not being there for me or how his disease affected me, I had that deep father/son relationship & I still have that, even though he is gone. I only had a few weeks with him, but it overshadows all the years prior. I am eternally grateful for the time I got to spend with him in the hospital, I think it set a lot of our guilt free.
So sorry for your loss,
OhBoy
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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My deepest condolences on your loss. May gentle memories of your reconciliation be of comfort in days to come. Be gentle with yourself and please feel free to write here as much as you wish, anything you wish.
My experience is that SR is a source of tremendous compassion, wisdom, and understanding. Those of us with alcoholic parents understand. My alcoholic mom died when I was a teenager.
Gentle hugs to you.
My experience is that SR is a source of tremendous compassion, wisdom, and understanding. Those of us with alcoholic parents understand. My alcoholic mom died when I was a teenager.
Gentle hugs to you.
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