Getting over my anger at my Mom & Dad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Getting over my anger at my Mom & Dad
Hi all,
I don't normally come her as much on this board because I hang out in the newcomers one as an addict myself (alkie) but I feel a change kind of coming on. I guess because it could be that I'm ready to tackle more of the issues between my Mom and I.
Not exactly certain.
The story is (readers digest version) my Mom started drinking heavily when I was about 17 years old. By the time I moved out when I was 18 she was easily drinking one smaller bottle of wine per day.
By the time I was in my early twenties it was probably up to a larger bottle per day.
I didn't really see it that much because hubby was/is military and we were stationed pretty far away most of the time.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with my son (and I started to realize in my own sobriety) that I probably had a problem with booze but what was worse. My Mom obviously had a pretty big problem with alcohol.
I relapsed in my sobriety when my son was about 8 mos old (didn't really REALIZE fully that I had a problem yet) and slid down hill fast when we discovered we were moving from Alaska to Maryland.
Just as of December 14 I quit for good, and am now living completely sober.
Here's the issue and this is what I'm reaching out for.
I find myself so angry. Incredibly angry at my Mom and somewhat my Dad.
I see how she's giving up on life, I see some of the bodily issues that I started to exhibit when I was drinking, I see the shaking of the hands, the sweating, the bloating, the need to get more alcohol no MATTER WHAT, all of the issues with addiction. I see it, I understand it because I have been there! I know what it feels like and I'm so angry that my Mom is so deep into her addiction and that my Dad just blithely goes along, supporting her in her addiction.
Is this normal? I guess I need to read some books on adult kids dealing with parents with addiction.
It's only as of the past few months that I've felt this more and more that I'm really and truly angry at my Mom (and again somewhat my Dad for enabling her).
I really want to let go of this anger but I don't exactly know how. I think I really don't understand some of it
One person posted on this message board recently about how others do not understand how they can talk bad about their alcoholic parent, and I find myself in the same situation. I tell others about some of the horrible, manipulative things my Mom has done, and they cluck their tongues at me, say I'm being disrespectful, etc. (they know that my Mom drinks but they don't think much of it so they don't fully understand that part nor do they know I too am an alcoholic) Yet, the thing is, I've been almost exactly where my Mom is mentally and I know how addiction is.
I guess I'm looking for some guidance here.
& 
I don't normally come her as much on this board because I hang out in the newcomers one as an addict myself (alkie) but I feel a change kind of coming on. I guess because it could be that I'm ready to tackle more of the issues between my Mom and I.
Not exactly certain.
The story is (readers digest version) my Mom started drinking heavily when I was about 17 years old. By the time I moved out when I was 18 she was easily drinking one smaller bottle of wine per day.
By the time I was in my early twenties it was probably up to a larger bottle per day.
I didn't really see it that much because hubby was/is military and we were stationed pretty far away most of the time.
It wasn't until I was pregnant with my son (and I started to realize in my own sobriety) that I probably had a problem with booze but what was worse. My Mom obviously had a pretty big problem with alcohol.
I relapsed in my sobriety when my son was about 8 mos old (didn't really REALIZE fully that I had a problem yet) and slid down hill fast when we discovered we were moving from Alaska to Maryland.
Just as of December 14 I quit for good, and am now living completely sober.
Here's the issue and this is what I'm reaching out for.
I find myself so angry. Incredibly angry at my Mom and somewhat my Dad.
I see how she's giving up on life, I see some of the bodily issues that I started to exhibit when I was drinking, I see the shaking of the hands, the sweating, the bloating, the need to get more alcohol no MATTER WHAT, all of the issues with addiction. I see it, I understand it because I have been there! I know what it feels like and I'm so angry that my Mom is so deep into her addiction and that my Dad just blithely goes along, supporting her in her addiction.
Is this normal? I guess I need to read some books on adult kids dealing with parents with addiction.
It's only as of the past few months that I've felt this more and more that I'm really and truly angry at my Mom (and again somewhat my Dad for enabling her).
I really want to let go of this anger but I don't exactly know how. I think I really don't understand some of it
One person posted on this message board recently about how others do not understand how they can talk bad about their alcoholic parent, and I find myself in the same situation. I tell others about some of the horrible, manipulative things my Mom has done, and they cluck their tongues at me, say I'm being disrespectful, etc. (they know that my Mom drinks but they don't think much of it so they don't fully understand that part nor do they know I too am an alcoholic) Yet, the thing is, I've been almost exactly where my Mom is mentally and I know how addiction is.
I guess I'm looking for some guidance here.
& 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome, congrats on your sober life. Yes we all go through the anger stage. If only, etc. Have you looked through the stickies at the top of the forum here? There is a lot of help there as you sort through this. Try starting with this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-us-acoa.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-us-acoa.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
The stickies up top are indeed a great help. If you aren't already, you might want to find a good therapist too. It's good to have someone to talk things out with. It's something have to want to do. I just started seeing one 2 months ago. I probably should have 30 years ago, but I didn't want the help at the time. So, it wouldn't have done much good back then. I really regret being closed minded to the help back then. I would have saved me a lot of pain over the years.
It sounds like you are realizing your own sobriety is an important step. You may want to focus on that first. Speaking from my own experiences, dealing with the past drudges up some pretty strong emotions (and with it, a desire to escape from those emotions). Make sure you are prepared and don't use that as a reason to fall off the wagon.
It sounds like you are realizing your own sobriety is an important step. You may want to focus on that first. Speaking from my own experiences, dealing with the past drudges up some pretty strong emotions (and with it, a desire to escape from those emotions). Make sure you are prepared and don't use that as a reason to fall off the wagon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Actually I have been seeing a therapist since about a week before Christmas. We're trying to go over some of my issues regarding my Mom and Dad but we're just slightly touching on it since my sobriety has caused some pretty big ripples in almost all of my relationships.
Disbelief from my Dad, hubby is having to learn how to keep up with the new me, I'm learning how to not disengage during conflict, Mom is threatened by the new me (not only am I now sober but I've lost 40 pounds in the past almost 9 months.)
Only relationship that has visibly improved with no issues or negativity is my 6yr old son as he loves his new "energetic, fun to be around, happy Mama".
Funny thing is, my therapist a while ago gave me paperwork on the traits of adult children of alcoholics. I fall into the "Family Hero" one. I try to please everyone, keep everyone happy" I'm the over achiever, the super responsible one.
And the amazing thing is, my Mom wasn't actively drinking and making it apparent until I was in my twenties so it wasn't affecting me on a daily basis.
That all confuses the heck out of me, that I wasn't submitted to it constantly growing up and yet now I exhibit many of the traits of ACOA. You know?
Disbelief from my Dad, hubby is having to learn how to keep up with the new me, I'm learning how to not disengage during conflict, Mom is threatened by the new me (not only am I now sober but I've lost 40 pounds in the past almost 9 months.)
Only relationship that has visibly improved with no issues or negativity is my 6yr old son as he loves his new "energetic, fun to be around, happy Mama".
Funny thing is, my therapist a while ago gave me paperwork on the traits of adult children of alcoholics. I fall into the "Family Hero" one. I try to please everyone, keep everyone happy" I'm the over achiever, the super responsible one.
And the amazing thing is, my Mom wasn't actively drinking and making it apparent until I was in my twenties so it wasn't affecting me on a daily basis.
That all confuses the heck out of me, that I wasn't submitted to it constantly growing up and yet now I exhibit many of the traits of ACOA. You know?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
The age of onset is interesting. But if you recognize ACOA traits in your feelings and behaviours, it's great that you can identify. Welcome to the club.
We are a club right? I hope so. i've always wanted to be in a club.
We are a club right? I hope so. i've always wanted to be in a club.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Alaska
Posts: 1,458
Originally Posted by MrThekla 
The age of onset is interesting. But if you recognize ACOA traits in your feelings and behaviours, it's great that you can identify. Welcome to the club.
We are a club right? I hope so. i've always wanted to be in a club.
We are a club right? I hope so. i've always wanted to be in a club.
Yeah, I found it rather startling when I was meeting with my therapist once and she gave me a spreadsheet with all of the traits of ACOA. Lo and behold, I show several of them.
Everything from family hero, people pleaser, super responsible, etc.
Now the whole trick is learning how to deal with it all.
Even better is teaching my hubby. LOL
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