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I am a dreamer

Old 10-11-2009, 10:34 PM
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I am a dreamer

Sometimes I feel like a freak in a world full of craziness. I can feel my heart dying slowly when I hear of tragedy and words of hatred. It's like I can feel the light inside get dimmer just a little bit more each time. It doesn't show, but I cry on the inside. I'm like a hapless romantic who believes in walking hand-in-hand, listening to each other's hearts, watching sunrises and sunsets, laughing, crying, and praying with those I love. I hear people's stories of living a sex-crazed and wild life and think I am just a girl with some kind of dopey dream that doesn't exist. I will never let go of my dream. I will die a solitary soul before I would ever join the masses. Some call me a dreamer. Some call me stupid. Some call me gullible. I don't care. I'd rather be that girl with ridiculous notions who never gets her dream than the one who gave up and gave in.
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Old 10-12-2009, 02:13 AM
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Hi WOL

I too am a dreamer and a romantic, and wouldn't be any other way.

As a child I used to dream of my "Prince" who would rescue me from all the alcoholic chaos and confusion - after all that was what happened in fairy tales.

As a young woman, I found my "Prince" and used to dream of a beautiful home and a happy family.

Real life bit back, two beautiful kids but also two redundancies, my beautiful home was a grey terrace and we had no money to do it up, going into debt fast. My "Prince" cracked under the strain and left me for another woman, leaving me to cope with the kids, the house and the debts.

My dreams did not stop but they turned into adult dreams. I grew up. I learnt to become an independent woman who was not dependent on her "Prince" either financially or for her happiness. I learnt to love my grey box of a house - it became MY home and still is.

Six months later, I let my "Prince" back home and he has never broken my trust again. I would be sad if he did but I would not be devastated and broken, it would be his loss and this time there would be no route back.

Now there is deep trust and respect on both sides of the relationship - we have grown up. There is lots of love and laughter and going for walks holding hands. I am a very lucky woman and he is a lucky man to have me.

Keep dreaming WOL, there are good men out there and there are relationships free from all the chaos, craziness and pain of our childhoods. Your dream may get a bit dented and tarnished along the way but it will be routed in reality and be all the more special for it.

IWTHxxx
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Old 10-12-2009, 10:05 AM
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thanks IWTH for that story with a happy ending

I like happy endings and I want my own

I spend a good deal of my time dreaming, ever since I was REALLY little

yeah, I'm still looking for a prince to make everything better, but I'm starting to have my doubts about his capabilities

Often (I mean A LOT) I dream of saving people, of making everything better. I make it more realistic by allowing myself in these dreams to endure hardships, to be a martyr

I mourn the people I know who need help but I realize that I cannot "save" them. I think of them every now and then.
I keep tabs on people that could potentially need "saving".

I guess that's all really sick of me, I'm investigating the idea that I'm codependant (most likely)

On the flip side, staying around sick people wanting to save them prevents me from having healthy relationships with healthy people. I want to change that. I want to be able to relate to and get along in healthy relationships, I don't know how.

I have a dream, a dream of finding good people and healthy, happy, strong relationships.

I shall work towards this dream, changing my unhealthy habits;and pray for it to happen.

DM
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Old 10-12-2009, 11:27 AM
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On the flip side, staying around sick people wanting to save them prevents me from having healthy relationships with healthy people. I want to change that. I want to be able to relate to and get along in healthy relationships, I don't know how.
Me, too. And I don't know how either. I have been working on figuring out what exactly is healthy exactly for me and in others. It's difficult.
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Old 10-12-2009, 12:59 PM
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I'm not looking for a prince charming to come rescue me. I want someone healthy to share the journey with.
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Old 10-12-2009, 02:50 PM
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That's all I wanted too - just someone healthy.

At a therapist's suggestion, I started doing what healthy people do, hanging out where healthy people hang out. Rather than sit at home and watch the worst of humanity do their sick dance on TV and movies, on his orders I started to seek out and become a part of healthy communities where I'd be likely to meet people who had common values and common interests.

Before, I had avoided such things because I didn't think healthy people would "get" me. I traveled in circles with other damaged people because they made me feel understood.

Now, in hindsight, I can see the pattern:
I was damaged and wanted to feel understood
So I stayed around other people who were damaged and therefore understood me
Which was nowhere near where healthy people were
So I viewed the world as being full of pain and suffering
Which made me sad and afraid
So I stayed around other people who were damaged and therefore understood me...

And around and around I went.

When I cracked out of that cocoon and forced myself to start being around positive, creative, optimistic people, at first I felt like a freak. But the more time I spent around kindred spirits, the more I saw that my view of the world as a horrible place was skewed by many things: TV, movies, popular songs, the news, etc.

Quietly traveling among all of that bad news, there is an entire community full of people who are healthy, "normal," worthwhile and beautiful. They are raking my handicapped neighbors' leaves without any expectation of special treatment or compensation. They are in the back row of the community meeting set up to talk about creating a new park for the kids. They are volunteering at the library, putting covers on books because they love books, or helping kids read. They are at the community college's night class on "Painting for the Complete Idiot" because they have always wanted to paint.

They are out there, you just never read about them, and if you isolate, or watch the media a lot, or only travel in circles where pain is the topic du jour, you never meet them.

Before I made a concerted effort to do this, I was seeing the world through a glass darkly, and spent much of my time in deep depression and isolation.

Hoping that you find that place where your kindred spirits are hiding, worthy. They ARE out there...you may just have to try very hard to go where they are.

Sorry for the novella
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Old 10-12-2009, 04:34 PM
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WOW GiveLove, did you write this? It is beautiful.

Now, in hindsight, I can see the pattern:
I was damaged and wanted to feel understood
So I stayed around other people who were damaged and therefore understood me
Which was nowhere near where healthy people were
So I viewed the world as being full of pain and suffering
Which made me sad and afraid
So I stayed around other people who were damaged and therefore understood me...
I really needed to hear this today! Thank you so much for sharing this.
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Old 10-12-2009, 06:28 PM
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Thank you GiveLove. It never ceases to amaze me that you always have great wisdom. I used to volunteer and slowly wound up in a pit after working in a very dysfunctional office. I'm slowly crawling out of my hole. I think I needed a lot of time for reflection and grieving. Thanks to all of you. Love ya guys.
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Old 10-13-2009, 03:21 AM
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Thanks GiveLove, I started to cry as I read your post - I needed to read this today.

Thanks WOL for starting this post. Whenever I feel shaky I come here to SR and there is always something to set me straight,
IWTHxxx
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Old 10-13-2009, 06:43 AM
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I backslide into that isolation easily...it's always going to be an effort for me to step away from my dark comfortable cocoon and into an uncertain situation, even if I may meet some awesome people out there.

But how I break out in those bad times is by asking myself these two questions:

What do you love? and Where would you meet other people who love that?

Example: Among other things, I list in my journal that I love walking in the forest, doing some kind of fun activity with my funny dog, listening to storytellers, growing my own food, saving money, writing, talking about really good books, cooking Thai food.

So I make a matching set of resources for finding kindred spirits who also love those things: The local rec center has a regular hiking get-together, for example. I play agility with my dog and it's hilarious, everybody laughs and laughs. A nature center about 10 miles away has rangers come in and tell stories of the wildlife there. I am part of the Simple Living Network online, where I can talk about food and being uber-frugal. And so on.

I reconnect with the world of people who are not broken apart like I am.

This was a slow process, worthy. I too had to take some time to heal. But I eventually had to put a time limit on it - because I knew that my tendency was going to be to stay there in my safe hidden nest, possibly forever. My damage was great. A counselor helped me to do this safely, in small safe increments.

Hoping everybody finds at least one new joy today.
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Old 10-13-2009, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
I backslide into that isolation easily...it's always going to be an effort for me to step away from my dark comfortable cocoon and into an uncertain situation, even if I may meet some awesome people out there.....

...I reconnect with the world of people who are not broken apart like I am.

...I knew that my tendency was going to be to stay there in my safe hidden nest, possibly forever. My damage was great.

Hoping everybody finds at least one new joy today.
I too find it sooooo hard to step into new, unknown situations but the benefits are there to be had when you find that courage to reach out to new, healthy people. I too find that it is easier to isolate myself (but I know that that is the route to depression) or to reach out to unhealthy people because that is what I know and am familiar with (but we all know that that is the route back to chaos and unhappiness).

Sometimes I think, this is just unfair, why is it so hard to interact with healthy people but I have faith (which I have never ever had before). I know and believe that it will get easier, each time I do it - guess what it is slowly getting easier and another benefit of my new awareness is that I find it easier to spot unhealthy people now - I seem to have developed a new early warning system that screams warning, warning, stay away.

IWTHxxx
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Old 10-13-2009, 03:30 PM
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GiveLove said: "Before, I had avoided such things because I didn't think healthy people would "get" me. I traveled in circles with other damaged people because they made me feel understood."

That's exactly what I'm living in now.
Just today at lunch while someone was commenting at my absurd choice to return to that group of people where a 12th grader was going around (convincingly) pretending to be an ape... well this person said that these people were all crazy and I should run away while I still could, I answered that I felt more at home with crazy people.

I'm starting to stake out "normal" or possibly healthy people to spend more time with at school. I always distrust these "normal" people, try to make them seem lower than me.

wow, I need a wakeup call

I think I'll still stay mostly in my comfort zone, but tone it down from miserable, angsty people to people how are just plain weird. I can totally handle weird, THAT is in my comfort zone.

I hope I learn better (as I never learned properly how to live in the first place)

but a big virtual hug to all you troubled people out there; I still like you since we can understand each other
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