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Old 07-31-2008, 03:18 PM
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Misanthrope
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Work...

I just realized yesterday when I was talking to a manager on my break, or trying to, that i'm chasing people away at work by being cold to them. I feel like a real *******, but I don't really have anything I can talk to people about thats "safe" because my life at the moment is very, uh, boring and if its not boring, its full of drama. I'm not sure what I should really do, I feel like I can't be straight with people. I also don't want to get sacked for my "unpredictable" or "rude" behavior.
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Old 07-31-2008, 05:02 PM
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Hey there Rancorous

What helps me develop a relationship with people at work is to ask _them_ about _their_ life. Then I shut up and listen. Some people really don't want to talk, but most do, and in a few weeks they loosen up. I hardly ever tell 'em _anything_ about me, I save that for my friends in recovery.

Next thing you know, I find one or two that are actually nice and eventually become friends. I was really surprised at how lonely most people are, and how much they enjoy having somebody who just _listens_.

Mike
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Old 07-31-2008, 08:15 PM
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Misanthrope
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That sounds like a good idea. I'll also use that when I start school again. I just sorta stopped when they were talking to me and was like "D=" but that should help. I really need to work on my conversational skills. I have always struggled with it. Thanks Mike. ^^
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Old 08-04-2008, 04:38 PM
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i know how you feel. In college - everyones lives are so much tamer than mine - at least it certainly seems that way. When they say "how was your weekend?" the truthful answer would be "well it was terrible - i didnt get a wink of sleep and my mother chased me around the house with a hammer" and in fairness im not sure how well that would go down!!!! So you have to have your reservations, but you dont need to be 100pc open with everyone at first.
In time once you get to know people you start to realise that you can let your guard down without them judging you. Where i work, most of my pals know by now that my parents are alchies. I dont bog them down with stories of them, but they are there if i want to talk. That way i dont feel alienated.
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Old 08-05-2008, 07:23 AM
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It took me a while to figure out that everyone in the world was not out to "get me" and that i did not have to go on the defensive with everyone that came within 10 ft. of me.

People described me as " aloof "......mostly I was just afraid that people were not gonna like me or were gonna hurt me.

Putting on airs or being cold was my wall of protection. If people don't know me they can't hurt me.
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Old 08-07-2008, 11:40 PM
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Misanthrope
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I think i'm mostly better this week, my aunt and my cousin left, so thats like two less people to deal with. Still, I don't feel really comfortable telling people about anything. My friends have sorta abandoned me since my dad died and I never told them what was going on until now because I couldn't avoid it any longer. I guess my paranoia will diminish with time? >_<
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Old 08-10-2008, 10:49 AM
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It has been my experience that none of the things I wished would diminish over time actually did so, until I sought therapy and found the root cause of my behavior, then addressed the root cause. I was (and still am) always surprised when the thing I *thought* was the root cause ended up not being the cause at all, and it turned out to be something I'd never even considered before.

It's possible to change one's mindset by changing one's behavior first, even if it makes one squirm to behave differently. It's sort of the same principle as repeating a lie often enough that it becomes the truth, only in this case, it's repeating the behavior I want to have often enough that it no longer makes me uncomfortable (for instance, I was well over the age of 30 when I finally learned to say 'no' - prior to that I absolutely could not say no, even if it was something I really didn't want to do. I had to start saying 'no' first, even though it made me terribly uncomfortable, and live with that discomfort. Now, some 10 years later, I am able to gracefully decline without feeling awkward or uncomfortable or like I'm letting someone down. But it took making it through that horrible squirmy place and sitting with the discomfort initially to be able to finally set a boundary for myself in saying 'no').
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Old 08-11-2008, 02:24 AM
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i know for me i have this innate need to be honest. i have learnt in recovery that trusting people with sensitive information needs to be earnt and that doesnt mean i lack integrity but that i respect and value myself....meetings are a great source of validation and comfort for me so that i dont crave it from other people who cant give it or cant be trusted to not use it in hurtful ways....ive also found simply not participating in certain topics as well as saying "is that so?" or "maybe"..."maybe your right" are great to use....people usually will try and hammer into me about something or other only because of their own fears and insecurities. the more i gain in recovery, the less i need their approval and the more i actually feel calmer and more compassionate rather than that discomfort and anger and not having my needs met to have honest open and engaging relationships.
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Old 08-11-2008, 08:40 AM
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ive also found simply not participating in certain topics as well as saying "is that so?" or "maybe"..."maybe your right" are great to use
I'll add in my two favorites:

"okay" (said in a neutral or accepting tone of voice - can't argue with someone who won't provide any resistance); and

"that's certainly something to think about" (again, can't argue when the other person provides no resistance)

The latter of these two works particularly well in a professional setting, as you're not denying the validity of their comment, but neither are you committing to take any action on it.
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