Jails, institutions and death--I made a big mistake
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Īs it really our job to "call someone on the ********" so pointedly? Is it up to members to judge who needs or should be on this site? Not in my book.
Probably better simply to stay off of threads if they don't gel with you.
OP has a chronic addiction problem. Addicts lie to themselves and others. Doesn't mean they don't deserve support.
Probably better simply to stay off of threads if they don't gel with you.
OP has a chronic addiction problem. Addicts lie to themselves and others. Doesn't mean they don't deserve support.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I am all for calling out someone, but lets remember depression and anxiety are REAL. Just because we might be in a good place doesn't mean everyone else is where we are at. Sure Lyoness you seem to be stuck in a rut and posting the same things over and over and people really just want to help you. I guess certain things work for some at times and not for others. I can't tell you how many times people have told me to just suck it up which at times I needed and others just pis*ed me off to no end!!! Lets just not let our own Egos decide what we think is best for another - especially on a forum - face to face can be different, but no reason to completely blast someone who is posting and trying . Hey my 2 cents which are worth as much or much less than anyone else's 2 cents! Lets just all try to love each other going through this process. I know early on I needed a lot of gentle support with an occasional kick in the A*SS!
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Wow, a lot of strong opinions. I pay attention to what everyone says.
I do hear you TOD. And I'll be as clear as I can. In all my posting I have not run out of methadone, so no depressive writing has come from being without. I am on a taper. I am not willing to go cold turkey off a drug that as you say, is so strong. I am following the taper, part of which is taking it about the same time every day. Check my posts and you'll see I post at all different times.
My positive posts tend to happen in the daytime, and if I wake up feeling good it is a miracle to me. That's why I post. Plus I want to try to be positive when I can.
I am going to say again what you deny about me. I am battling a life threatening DEPRESSION. I have spent the past two and one half years fighting it. This is my longest lasting one ever. In the past they've ended spontaneously after two years or I've found successful meds for them.
If you all want me to stop posting because I am tapering methadone and because I have uncured mental illness I will. I will just say I've seen people on here actively using for years and getting support. And people who were actively using and lying about it, and they got nothing but support when they came clean.
I have been honest about my taper, why I am tapering instead of going cold turkey--which my addiction counselor recommends and supports--and honest about my mental illness which I have suffered from since at least 9 years old.
It may be that methadone is playing a role in my depression but honestly I have not heard or read that anywhere else, not my psychiatrist, counselor or in my research. I have read about depression after getting off it and that is why I am tapering.
So if you all want to kick me off SR then at least be kind about it. Ask Dee to tell me I'm no longer allowed to post.
And just be grateful that you don't suffer from depression.
I do hear you TOD. And I'll be as clear as I can. In all my posting I have not run out of methadone, so no depressive writing has come from being without. I am on a taper. I am not willing to go cold turkey off a drug that as you say, is so strong. I am following the taper, part of which is taking it about the same time every day. Check my posts and you'll see I post at all different times.
My positive posts tend to happen in the daytime, and if I wake up feeling good it is a miracle to me. That's why I post. Plus I want to try to be positive when I can.
I am going to say again what you deny about me. I am battling a life threatening DEPRESSION. I have spent the past two and one half years fighting it. This is my longest lasting one ever. In the past they've ended spontaneously after two years or I've found successful meds for them.
If you all want me to stop posting because I am tapering methadone and because I have uncured mental illness I will. I will just say I've seen people on here actively using for years and getting support. And people who were actively using and lying about it, and they got nothing but support when they came clean.
I have been honest about my taper, why I am tapering instead of going cold turkey--which my addiction counselor recommends and supports--and honest about my mental illness which I have suffered from since at least 9 years old.
It may be that methadone is playing a role in my depression but honestly I have not heard or read that anywhere else, not my psychiatrist, counselor or in my research. I have read about depression after getting off it and that is why I am tapering.
So if you all want to kick me off SR then at least be kind about it. Ask Dee to tell me I'm no longer allowed to post.
And just be grateful that you don't suffer from depression.
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Originally Posted by finaltime 
Lyon I am thinking about you. Just know that. Change is always hard, esp for us addicts.
Night owl
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Originally Posted by Marcus
I am all for calling out someone, but lets remember depression and anxiety are REAL. Just because we might be in a good place doesn't mean everyone else is where we are at. Sure Lyoness you seem to be stuck in a rut and posting the same things over and over and people really just want to help you. I guess certain things work for some at times and not for others. I can't tell you how many times people have told me to just suck it up which at times I needed and others just pis*ed me off to no end!!! Lets just not let our own Egos decide what we think is best for another - especially on a forum - face to face can be different, but no reason to completely blast someone who is posting and trying . Hey my 2 cents which are worth as much or much less than anyone else's 2 cents! Lets just all try to love each other going through this process. I know early on I needed a lot of gentle support with an occasional kick in the A*SS!
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I also want to address my grief at moving, which is why I came on today. It has surprised me and that's why I posted. In so many ways I was ready to move. But not in my connection to the land where I lived. That is where I feel loss and sadness. I ran into my neighbor the other day, and she totally understood what I meant.
She talked about how it can take time to feel at home in a new place, as she's just moved she's going through the exact same thing. She works a lit with death and dying and sees my grief as normal. Like Fabat50 posted, moving is one of the most stressful life experiences. And like my neighbor pointed out, I loved the land where I lived and lived there a long time. Grief is normal.
And where I live now is very different. Like Finaltime says, change is hard for us. It has always been extremely difficult for me.
Something can be good and also challenging and painful at the same time.:
She talked about how it can take time to feel at home in a new place, as she's just moved she's going through the exact same thing. She works a lit with death and dying and sees my grief as normal. Like Fabat50 posted, moving is one of the most stressful life experiences. And like my neighbor pointed out, I loved the land where I lived and lived there a long time. Grief is normal.
And where I live now is very different. Like Finaltime says, change is hard for us. It has always been extremely difficult for me.
Something can be good and also challenging and painful at the same time.:
Night owl
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There is one more thing I'd like to add for clarity. This bout of Depression started in October 2013 and I started methadone in April 2014. So as I said, maybe it is playing a role but isn't the cause. Its hard for me to be called a liar and accused of things when people don't even have the facts right.
I left SR originally because I knew it wasn't a mental health forum and the one here doesn't move much. I came back to deal with the mistake I made, mental health and addiction. And no words can begin to describe or convey my gratitude for the support I have received. So thank you all for your support and help.
I left SR originally because I knew it wasn't a mental health forum and the one here doesn't move much. I came back to deal with the mistake I made, mental health and addiction. And no words can begin to describe or convey my gratitude for the support I have received. So thank you all for your support and help.
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Hi Lyoness
I have been down here in a while - my apologies.
I don't see any reason why you should leave or are not eligible to post here.
SR is for those who are struggling
I don't know much about methadone but many of us here do battle depression here me included and we have a mental health forum, so the idea that you don;t belong here on those grounds is simply not true either.
There are some strong opinions here.
I think most of them come from love, though (and a little fear for your welfare maybe in some cases) and are best seen in that light, rather than personal attacks
D
I have been down here in a while - my apologies.
I don't see any reason why you should leave or are not eligible to post here.
SR is for those who are struggling
I don't know much about methadone but many of us here do battle depression here me included and we have a mental health forum, so the idea that you don;t belong here on those grounds is simply not true either.
There are some strong opinions here.
I think most of them come from love, though (and a little fear for your welfare maybe in some cases) and are best seen in that light, rather than personal attacks
D
Night owl
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Thank you Dee for your kind words and understanding. I appreciate that you know what depression is like, though I am sorry you have had to suffer from it as well.
I find it hard and scary to come here and write the truth about how bad and deep my depression and anxiety are and when I get called a liar and told I am only an addict, it hurts like hell! It tells me that there is still intense denial about and shame for those of us with mental illness and addiction. Yet dual diagnosis is real. Having mental illness and addiction is a double whammy. Each makes the other harder to heal.
And I write the truth of my experience and get told it and I are lies. That does not help me or anyone. And I feel no love in it whatsoever.
But I do in your posts, Dee, and I thank you for consistently being kind, honest and supportive to me and every one here.
I find it hard and scary to come here and write the truth about how bad and deep my depression and anxiety are and when I get called a liar and told I am only an addict, it hurts like hell! It tells me that there is still intense denial about and shame for those of us with mental illness and addiction. Yet dual diagnosis is real. Having mental illness and addiction is a double whammy. Each makes the other harder to heal.
And I write the truth of my experience and get told it and I are lies. That does not help me or anyone. And I feel no love in it whatsoever.
But I do in your posts, Dee, and I thank you for consistently being kind, honest and supportive to me and every one here.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Originally Posted by Lyoness
Thanks, Marcus. One reason I think people always appreciate your posts, myself included, is because you can see many sides to an issue and speak to them. And you advocate for truth and kindness both.
Night owl
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To get a little back on focus, I wanted to answer some questions. I may have my threads and PM's confused but hopefully that's okay.
Regarding court, I have my sentencing hearing at the end of the month. I'm still waiting to hear back from my lawyer about what the DA may offer, so don't yet know what outcome will be. I'm still not sure about mental health court either. I've been looking into counseling on my own but so many aren't taking new patients.
As for medication. The latest antidepressant started out very well for a few days (that's where you'll see my "up" posts) then sort of levelled, then up and down and then it stopped working. I don't have appt with psych til next week but I want her to help me figure out what to do next. I'm thinking maybe I should go back on the antidepressant I went off of in 2013. I am beginning to think it was a mistake to go off it. I had thought it wasn't working, but I think it was. I know I want to be on a working antidepressant when my methadone taper ends.
Regarding methadone, I can't pin all my hopes on it being the only reason for my depression. And I can't pin my hopes on my depression magically disappearing when I go off it. If folks need to call that solely addiction and deny my lifetime of mental illnesses, well, we're just going to have to agree to disagree. I'm leaving those diagnoses up to my addiction counselor, psychiatrist, doctor and my decades of living in this body.
I agree with what Marcus said. I want to bring kindness and love and the best I can to this forum. And sometimes my best won't be very much, but it'll best.
Regarding court, I have my sentencing hearing at the end of the month. I'm still waiting to hear back from my lawyer about what the DA may offer, so don't yet know what outcome will be. I'm still not sure about mental health court either. I've been looking into counseling on my own but so many aren't taking new patients.
As for medication. The latest antidepressant started out very well for a few days (that's where you'll see my "up" posts) then sort of levelled, then up and down and then it stopped working. I don't have appt with psych til next week but I want her to help me figure out what to do next. I'm thinking maybe I should go back on the antidepressant I went off of in 2013. I am beginning to think it was a mistake to go off it. I had thought it wasn't working, but I think it was. I know I want to be on a working antidepressant when my methadone taper ends.
Regarding methadone, I can't pin all my hopes on it being the only reason for my depression. And I can't pin my hopes on my depression magically disappearing when I go off it. If folks need to call that solely addiction and deny my lifetime of mental illnesses, well, we're just going to have to agree to disagree. I'm leaving those diagnoses up to my addiction counselor, psychiatrist, doctor and my decades of living in this body.
I agree with what Marcus said. I want to bring kindness and love and the best I can to this forum. And sometimes my best won't be very much, but it'll best.
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
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Originally Posted by Marcus
I am not letting you off the HOOK Lyoness because I care and think there are a lot more things you could be doing or at least trying. Yes I stood up for you because I know the struggle, but in the end as much as we want to blame outside circumstances it comes down to personal responsibility. I know it is hard and I don't deny it hurts, but doing the same things over and over and expecting different results is crazy too. You MUST put yourself out there. Try different things - I am sure you THINK you are trying those things, but trust me more can be done. If you really want out of this hole you will go to any length. Just know I get it and love you regardless, but you are going to have to really push yourself to find peace. Be Well!!!
And that is the crux of my problem. I don't really have any hope because all the things I've tried have failed. I'm still not sure I want to be alive either. And I know those two core feelings are holding me back.
I've stopped reaching out for all the doors slammed in my face. And haven't found a reason to put myself through that again. I call all of this depression but maybe should delineate it like this instead.
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The thing that keeps me posting here is hope lyoness.
Sometimes something we tried in the past may have a different outcome when we try it. or something similar, a few years or months down the track.
That's not a criticism, it's a reflection of my own experience
Like I said to you elsewhere today, I think you've come a long way, even tho you might not see it now.
I can also appreciate the good advice you're getting here, and the love and regard for you that comes with it .
There is *always* hope
D
Sometimes something we tried in the past may have a different outcome when we try it. or something similar, a few years or months down the track.
That's not a criticism, it's a reflection of my own experience
Like I said to you elsewhere today, I think you've come a long way, even tho you might not see it now.
I can also appreciate the good advice you're getting here, and the love and regard for you that comes with it .
There is *always* hope
D
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Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
I do hear you TOD. And I'll be as clear as I can. In all my posting I have not run out of methadone, so no depressive writing has come from being without. I am on a taper. I am not willing to go cold turkey off a drug that as you say, is so strong. I am following the taper, part of which is taking it about the same time every day. Check my posts and you'll see I post at all different times.
You’ve tried a few different Anti-D meds before this latest one! It’s been happening before this latest med you tried! After taking a dose of methadone it lasts for about 6 hours! You’ll have a down time before the next dose!
Quoting Lyoness: As for medication. The latest antidepressant started out very well for a few days (that's where you'll see my "up" posts) then sort of leveled, then up and down and then it stopped working.
My positive posts tend to happen in the daytime, and if I wake up feeling good it is a miracle to me. That's why I post. Plus I want to try to be positive when I can.
I am going to say again what you deny about me. I am battling a life threatening DEPRESSION. I have spent the past two and one half years fighting it. This is my longest lasting one ever. In the past they've ended spontaneously after two years or I've found successful meds for them.
As I've said before: "I have nothing to contribute to the side of things you deal with! Other than the addiction side!" Read it for yourself in the Thread I’ve attached! I really resent you saying this to me! We all have sources of depression! I never said you didn’t have depression!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5656550
If you all want me to stop posting because I am tapering methadone and because I have uncured mental illness I will. I will just say I've seen people on here actively using for years and getting support. And people who were actively using and lying about it, and they got nothing but support when they came clean.
Talking about other’s using and lying about it isn’t needed info on this Thread! I have strictly focused on your using the methadone to be the reason you have this depression! You LOVE throwing out the “If you want me to stop posting” messages! I’ve never told you to stop posting! I’ve never not been supportive! I’ve only told you “I” believe it’s the methadone that’s causing your depression!
I have been honest about my taper, why I am tapering instead of going cold turkey--which my addiction counselor recommends and supports--and honest about my mental illness which I have suffered from since at least 9 years old.
Is the info in the Mental Health paragraph about me? Look at your past DRUG history Lyoness! How many drugs have been involved while you were thinking it was depression? How do you know you might not be depressed if you get off all the mind altering drugs? Just because you haven't read it or heard of it? Look at how many here on SR have made it after getting off their DOC's! If you continue doing the same damned thing every day, every year? You might as well get on a roller coaster and bring a blanket with ya!
Start doing things for yourself! Quit depending on doctor's to bail you out! Didn't you do research on Herbs? I know you're in a fog right now because of the court issues hanging over your head! It's the price you pay for forging scripts! Another repercussion of your drug use!
In Mental Health on 2-4-2016 you posted: I have been trying to fight this depression unsuccessfully. One person I know says that it is solely the methadone causing my depression. Not my lifelong battle with depression, not my recent move, not the grief at losing two important friendships and being alone and lonely, just that one medication.
It may be that methadone is playing a role in my depression but honestly I have not heard or read that anywhere else, not my psychiatrist, counselor or in my research. I have read about depression after getting off it and that is why I am tapering.
Things I want to remind you about that you wrote yourself: I wrote something in one post that is really sticking in my brain. I'm gonna write it again here bc I want to see it, remember it, think about it. What I wrote is: I AM AN ADDICT. AND I CAN GET BETTER OR WORSE. MY CHOICE.
That's a powerful and painful thing to read. If someone else said it to me I'd probably be p***** at them. But it's my own words. Something to ponder.
On 11-24-2015 you posted: Because years ago when I was shooting and snorting the oxy, dilaudid and morphine and had altered scripts to get more, I remembered that while suicidal I tried it again.
Way back on 10-20-2015? I quoted a part of your message: Quote: I've been taking methadone and very low dose of lorazepam for the past year. I also had a few small rx's for oxy to help with heavy labor
On 1-5-2016 you posted: I'm grateful to hear you say (Marcus) that it's hard, there are physical symptoms, even with a taper. That way, hopefully, I can have a plan in place to deal with them. Maybe my psychiatrist, or if I can find a primary care person, could rx comfort meds if I need them. I hear clonidine mentioned a lot, and knowing what has worked for others gives me some ideas and choices. So if you all want to kick me off SR then at least be kind about it. Ask Dee to tell me I'm no longer allowed to post. You know damned good and well Dee wouldn’t kick you off SR? Quit putting Dee in a position he has to tell you he wouldn’t do that in order for you to continue feeling sorry for yourself! You come across the Thread as shouting for help and ppl to continue talking to you! You are on a Recovery site asking for help to get off the drugs! THAT’s what I’ve tried to help you with! But then you come back with BS talk accusing me of saying things I’ve never said! That just pizzes me off!
And just be grateful that you don't suffer from depression.[/QUOTE]
From one of my many searches: Drug Interactions
Methadone should not be taken along with pentazocine, rifampin or monoamine oxidase (MAO) inhibitors or other central nervous system depressants such as narcotic analgesics, general anesthetics, tranquilizers, phenothiazines, alcohol, sedative hypnotics or tricyclic antidepressants.
There has been numerous deaths due to OD while on it!
There is lots more I could add to this post that you’ve written about! But I’m not going to waste anymore time reading all the posts again! This is your battle Lyoness! Not mine or anybody else’s on here! I’ve tried and tried to get you to realize the methadone is keeping you locked in the drug world!
You forged two prescriptions to try and off yourself! You said you’ve researched the methadone? Did you not see how many ppl have OD’ed on the methadone? I have to wonder why you didn’t use that? Then I remembered the post about the 100’s of opiates you used before you got on the methadone. And you now also have the extra opiates for when you do hard labor! And the valium! How do you expect the methadone to help you get clean when you're taking all these other drugs?
I’m a very honest poster on SR! Don’t point fingers at me and tell me I’m saying things I’m not!
TOD
You’ve tried a few different Anti-D meds before this latest one! It’s been happening before this latest med you tried! After taking a dose of methadone it lasts for about 6 hours! You’ll have a down time before the next dose!
Quoting Lyoness: As for medication. The latest antidepressant started out very well for a few days (that's where you'll see my "up" posts) then sort of leveled, then up and down and then it stopped working.
My positive posts tend to happen in the daytime, and if I wake up feeling good it is a miracle to me. That's why I post. Plus I want to try to be positive when I can.
I am going to say again what you deny about me. I am battling a life threatening DEPRESSION. I have spent the past two and one half years fighting it. This is my longest lasting one ever. In the past they've ended spontaneously after two years or I've found successful meds for them.
As I've said before: "I have nothing to contribute to the side of things you deal with! Other than the addiction side!" Read it for yourself in the Thread I’ve attached! I really resent you saying this to me! We all have sources of depression! I never said you didn’t have depression!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5656550
If you all want me to stop posting because I am tapering methadone and because I have uncured mental illness I will. I will just say I've seen people on here actively using for years and getting support. And people who were actively using and lying about it, and they got nothing but support when they came clean.
Talking about other’s using and lying about it isn’t needed info on this Thread! I have strictly focused on your using the methadone to be the reason you have this depression! You LOVE throwing out the “If you want me to stop posting” messages! I’ve never told you to stop posting! I’ve never not been supportive! I’ve only told you “I” believe it’s the methadone that’s causing your depression!
I have been honest about my taper, why I am tapering instead of going cold turkey--which my addiction counselor recommends and supports--and honest about my mental illness which I have suffered from since at least 9 years old.
Is the info in the Mental Health paragraph about me? Look at your past DRUG history Lyoness! How many drugs have been involved while you were thinking it was depression? How do you know you might not be depressed if you get off all the mind altering drugs? Just because you haven't read it or heard of it? Look at how many here on SR have made it after getting off their DOC's! If you continue doing the same damned thing every day, every year? You might as well get on a roller coaster and bring a blanket with ya!
Start doing things for yourself! Quit depending on doctor's to bail you out! Didn't you do research on Herbs? I know you're in a fog right now because of the court issues hanging over your head! It's the price you pay for forging scripts! Another repercussion of your drug use!
In Mental Health on 2-4-2016 you posted: I have been trying to fight this depression unsuccessfully. One person I know says that it is solely the methadone causing my depression. Not my lifelong battle with depression, not my recent move, not the grief at losing two important friendships and being alone and lonely, just that one medication.
It may be that methadone is playing a role in my depression but honestly I have not heard or read that anywhere else, not my psychiatrist, counselor or in my research. I have read about depression after getting off it and that is why I am tapering.
Things I want to remind you about that you wrote yourself: I wrote something in one post that is really sticking in my brain. I'm gonna write it again here bc I want to see it, remember it, think about it. What I wrote is: I AM AN ADDICT. AND I CAN GET BETTER OR WORSE. MY CHOICE.
That's a powerful and painful thing to read. If someone else said it to me I'd probably be p***** at them. But it's my own words. Something to ponder.
On 11-24-2015 you posted: Because years ago when I was shooting and snorting the oxy, dilaudid and morphine and had altered scripts to get more, I remembered that while suicidal I tried it again.
Way back on 10-20-2015? I quoted a part of your message: Quote: I've been taking methadone and very low dose of lorazepam for the past year. I also had a few small rx's for oxy to help with heavy labor
On 1-5-2016 you posted: I'm grateful to hear you say (Marcus) that it's hard, there are physical symptoms, even with a taper. That way, hopefully, I can have a plan in place to deal with them. Maybe my psychiatrist, or if I can find a primary care person, could rx comfort meds if I need them. I hear clonidine mentioned a lot, and knowing what has worked for others gives me some ideas and choices. So if you all want to kick me off SR then at least be kind about it. Ask Dee to tell me I'm no longer allowed to post. You know damned good and well Dee wouldn’t kick you off SR? Quit putting Dee in a position he has to tell you he wouldn’t do that in order for you to continue feeling sorry for yourself! You come across the Thread as shouting for help and ppl to continue talking to you! You are on a Recovery site asking for help to get off the drugs! THAT’s what I’ve tried to help you with! But then you come back with BS talk accusing me of saying things I’ve never said! That just pizzes me off!
And just be grateful that you don't suffer from depression.[/QUOTE]
From one of my many searches: Drug Interactions
Methadone should not be taken along with pentazocine, rifampin or monoamine oxidase (MAO) inhibitors or other central nervous system depressants such as narcotic analgesics, general anesthetics, tranquilizers, phenothiazines, alcohol, sedative hypnotics or tricyclic antidepressants.
There has been numerous deaths due to OD while on it!
There is lots more I could add to this post that you’ve written about! But I’m not going to waste anymore time reading all the posts again! This is your battle Lyoness! Not mine or anybody else’s on here! I’ve tried and tried to get you to realize the methadone is keeping you locked in the drug world!
You forged two prescriptions to try and off yourself! You said you’ve researched the methadone? Did you not see how many ppl have OD’ed on the methadone? I have to wonder why you didn’t use that? Then I remembered the post about the 100’s of opiates you used before you got on the methadone. And you now also have the extra opiates for when you do hard labor! And the valium! How do you expect the methadone to help you get clean when you're taking all these other drugs?
I’m a very honest poster on SR! Don’t point fingers at me and tell me I’m saying things I’m not!
TOD
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,599
This thread is getting very labour intensive for me and there's really no reason why it should be.
I'd really appreciate if we - that is everyone - stuck to constructive criticism thanks.
The whole idea of these threads is support.
Straight talking is fine - but personal remarks really have no place in this or any other thread.
If you must make them, PMs are the appropriate medium for personal remarks.
If anyone becomes too invested in this thread, or another poster - and it happens - it's ok to move onto another thread.
Dee
Moderator
SR
I'd really appreciate if we - that is everyone - stuck to constructive criticism thanks.
The whole idea of these threads is support.
Straight talking is fine - but personal remarks really have no place in this or any other thread.
If you must make them, PMs are the appropriate medium for personal remarks.
If anyone becomes too invested in this thread, or another poster - and it happens - it's ok to move onto another thread.
Dee
Moderator
SR
Last edited by Dee74; 02-07-2016 at 04:32 AM.
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you Dee.
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. Marcus, your post especially got me to thinking. Especially that you're correct, I've been doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. So I've been thinking about what those things are. Looking at where I'm expending energy and getting nothing or negative results in return.
One thing I keep coming back to is something both you and Dee said, about getting comfortable in your own skin. That's something I don't think I've ever been. I tend to live outside myself and then I take in way too much the judgments of others which I don't need to do because my own inner world of self-hate, judgment and blame is already a thriving community. One healer said to me that I don't need any outside punishment because I "punish yourself more than anyone ever could." I was so hurt and angry and upset when she said that--because I knew it was true and I was so ashamed. I thought I hid my self-hatred well but one look at the dozens of razor scars on my body certainly belie that.
So that is one thing I am thinking about--accepting myself. Truly accepting myself and can I do it? Because I know at this point I won't change and probably won't survive if I don't.
Having so many strong posts here has motivated me too. I don't like feeling lied about, it's an old and deep wound for me based on a lot of experience. I realize I don't have the energy or desire to spend my time fending off suppositions or inaccuracies about me or my life. I don't want to anymore. It's a waste of my time and energy. And I regard that as both doing something different and learning to accept myself. I don't have to defend myself against everything said or supposed about me. I just have to live my life as best I can, write what I write and let others think and decide what they will.
No one can define my truth but me. I'm pretty late coming to that realization but finally I am waking up to it. I have to learn to stop letting so many things define me and figure out how to define myself. I've no clue how to do it but this feels like a start.
And I'd like to add that I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my new place. I really just needed to acknowledge and express my feelings which helps me move through them. I even did some things I'd been putting off around here. And I made it to town the other day. All that has felt good.
My mood is better today too. Not because of drugs but because it's a bright sunny and warmish day. And I slept several hours uninterrupted last night. Usually I wake 10-20 times per night but last night I got several uninterrupted hours--a true miracle for me. Good sleep is the best mind altering substance I know of!
I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. Marcus, your post especially got me to thinking. Especially that you're correct, I've been doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. So I've been thinking about what those things are. Looking at where I'm expending energy and getting nothing or negative results in return.
One thing I keep coming back to is something both you and Dee said, about getting comfortable in your own skin. That's something I don't think I've ever been. I tend to live outside myself and then I take in way too much the judgments of others which I don't need to do because my own inner world of self-hate, judgment and blame is already a thriving community. One healer said to me that I don't need any outside punishment because I "punish yourself more than anyone ever could." I was so hurt and angry and upset when she said that--because I knew it was true and I was so ashamed. I thought I hid my self-hatred well but one look at the dozens of razor scars on my body certainly belie that.
So that is one thing I am thinking about--accepting myself. Truly accepting myself and can I do it? Because I know at this point I won't change and probably won't survive if I don't.
Having so many strong posts here has motivated me too. I don't like feeling lied about, it's an old and deep wound for me based on a lot of experience. I realize I don't have the energy or desire to spend my time fending off suppositions or inaccuracies about me or my life. I don't want to anymore. It's a waste of my time and energy. And I regard that as both doing something different and learning to accept myself. I don't have to defend myself against everything said or supposed about me. I just have to live my life as best I can, write what I write and let others think and decide what they will.
No one can define my truth but me. I'm pretty late coming to that realization but finally I am waking up to it. I have to learn to stop letting so many things define me and figure out how to define myself. I've no clue how to do it but this feels like a start.
And I'd like to add that I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my new place. I really just needed to acknowledge and express my feelings which helps me move through them. I even did some things I'd been putting off around here. And I made it to town the other day. All that has felt good.
My mood is better today too. Not because of drugs but because it's a bright sunny and warmish day. And I slept several hours uninterrupted last night. Usually I wake 10-20 times per night but last night I got several uninterrupted hours--a true miracle for me. Good sleep is the best mind altering substance I know of!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Lyoness,
Please believe that members like you and Marcus and others have helped me
understand addiction, what it does to the mind and body and emotions.
When I came here, I was a broken, confused, crying and hopeless momma of
two very young herion addicted daughters.( now 21&24) I felt like I wanted to die. The anxiety and depression and the tears flooded my world...until YOU and Marcus stepped in and "gently" explained to me that this is a brain disease, and the term dual diagnostic is a real painful disease to have.
Never being an addict, I fell into the role of a Codie and enabler. And that hole is DEEP and it took me years to climb out of, and you know what? YOU were there for me, you held my hand and said it wasn't my fault that my beloved daughters fell to their knees to addiction and mental illness. I lost everything, my marriage, my confidence, judged by ppl who don't understand,...but I never lost my HOPE.
I just wanted to tell you thank you for being there for me, you are so loved and worth it to me.
I know these forums/threads can get mighty heated...ppls opinions, they can get offended and sometimes judgemental if you don't follow their advice, or attend their "meeting" or their suggested support.
Dee is right...we should help each other with constructive advise not distructive advice.
I'm in a better place today, I finally learned that I can't fix my girls.
Just remember, when that depression creeps in, know that many of us at SR love you, especially me!
Miss you and care very much about you!
TF
Please believe that members like you and Marcus and others have helped me
understand addiction, what it does to the mind and body and emotions.
When I came here, I was a broken, confused, crying and hopeless momma of
two very young herion addicted daughters.( now 21&24) I felt like I wanted to die. The anxiety and depression and the tears flooded my world...until YOU and Marcus stepped in and "gently" explained to me that this is a brain disease, and the term dual diagnostic is a real painful disease to have.
Never being an addict, I fell into the role of a Codie and enabler. And that hole is DEEP and it took me years to climb out of, and you know what? YOU were there for me, you held my hand and said it wasn't my fault that my beloved daughters fell to their knees to addiction and mental illness. I lost everything, my marriage, my confidence, judged by ppl who don't understand,...but I never lost my HOPE.
I just wanted to tell you thank you for being there for me, you are so loved and worth it to me.
I know these forums/threads can get mighty heated...ppls opinions, they can get offended and sometimes judgemental if you don't follow their advice, or attend their "meeting" or their suggested support.
Dee is right...we should help each other with constructive advise not distructive advice.
I'm in a better place today, I finally learned that I can't fix my girls.
Just remember, when that depression creeps in, know that many of us at SR love you, especially me!
Miss you and care very much about you!
TF
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you so much Twofish for all your wisdom and words. They go straight to my heart and bring such healing and kindness. And your timing is synchronous because earlier I was thinking it is time for me to start letting the love in, to listen to the love instead of what I always do instead.
I have always had trouble letting love and kindness in, never able to trust it or believe I deserve it. "Hate" I could "trust" because I knew it and I have been filled with self-loathing for so long. It's familiar territory. Being open to love is being open to vulnerability and pain. But again, as I'm thinking about change, I realize I won't be able to change or grow if I stay locked in fear.
I realize this may be a strange response, but like I said you wrote this as I was contemplating these very ideas. So thank you for the big dose of love and kindness. You've given me the greatest of gifts.
Edited to add--Thank you, too, for adding some fuel to make my tiny flicker of hope a little bit brighter. =<^o^>=
I have always had trouble letting love and kindness in, never able to trust it or believe I deserve it. "Hate" I could "trust" because I knew it and I have been filled with self-loathing for so long. It's familiar territory. Being open to love is being open to vulnerability and pain. But again, as I'm thinking about change, I realize I won't be able to change or grow if I stay locked in fear.
I realize this may be a strange response, but like I said you wrote this as I was contemplating these very ideas. So thank you for the big dose of love and kindness. You've given me the greatest of gifts.
Edited to add--Thank you, too, for adding some fuel to make my tiny flicker of hope a little bit brighter. =<^o^>=
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