Meraviglioso

You cannot control his reaction. The only thing you can do right now is work on yourself. Take the steps needed to become a better, sober person. By working on yourself you will show him your true self and have the best opportunity to reconcile.

enfinthechange

It's like waves of nausea and cold fear and shame.... I want to do this. .. so I never feel like this again!

Meraviglioso

I know what that feels like, I think a lot of us do. It will get better. Get through today, get through tomorrow and on it goes, one foot in front of the other. Start working on your plan for recovery.

Dee74

I hate that dread feeling - but I know you can get through this enfin

D

tomsteve

effin, i can relatento how youre feeling. although not the same circumstances, the day after my last drunk-after being told some of what i did and said while in a blackout and my(by then ex) fiance tossing me out- i dont think i could have hated myself any more. i hated what i had become. i wanted to die. one huge positive from that day was admitting alcohol and me were the common denominators in all my problems. i wanted to stop drinking and change who was.
its been a few years and lots of footwork changing me since that day, but im definately not that man any more. i love myself and have made my amends.

enfin, theres great news- your not a bad woman, just a sick one. a bad woman wouldnt feel so much remorse.
and there is a solution.

enfinthechange

I don't get why I keep doing it to myself.... I try and the time to be the nicest,kindest person...but I am clearly rotten in the core. I have just stamped all over my carefully constructed house of cards... my lovely life is in tatters...I must be evil.....

enfinthechange

Your kindness on here makes me cry.....

tomsteve

nope. ya wouldnt feel how ya do if ya were.

yer just sick, but theres a solution and its going to take T.I.M.E.

oh, ya keep doing it prolly because your an alcoholic suffering from untreated alcoholism.
iffen we all shared the insanity of our pasts.....that would take up a lotta space!!!
good thing about that past of mine? i own it. did it all. LOTS of it i can laugh at today because now i can see i was nutso bonkers insane!

Cleomie

Praying for you, enfin. Just remember to put one foot in front of the other. It will get a little better each day.

Meraviglioso

No, no, no and no. You are not evil, you are not rotten. You are an ALCOHOLIC.
There is still alcohol running in your system and you are going to feel like total sh*t about yourself until it clears out. That's the physiological part. No way around it. The only solution is getting clean. the psychological part is much more complicated and will take a lot of time to deal with. But again, there is no hope to work on the psychological part if you do not clear your system of alcohol- permanently.
I felt the same way about myself, I considered myself a nice, caring, generous person yet I repeatedly made horrible mistakes, hurt those that I loved, neglected those that I loved, put myself and others in danger due to my drinking. What do you know, when I took alcohol out of the mix that kind, caring, generous part of me shone through with the white hot heat of a thousand suns. Am I perfect? No, absolutely not. I still make mistakes and I sometimes feel down or have regrets but in a really honest, natural way. I no longer have the same and fear that I had when drinking. I can wake up each morning and hold my head high and go to sleep each night with peace in my heart knowing I really did try my best.
You can do this.
Let's talk about today. What are you going to do? Wallowing is not going to help, even if part of the process. How about you go make yourself a cup of tea. Do you have a bathtub that you can soak in? If so put in some baking soda, apple cider vinegar and epsom salts- or even just normal sea salt. Soak in there. If you don't have a tub, take a long, hot shower, really scrub yourself. Wash your hair. Put on lotion. Fix your hair and put on a little make up. Then come back to the computer and check in here. Go searching for local meetings- AA, SMART, whatever there is. Google "how to apologize after cheating" and read some on that. Get out your calendar and mark your doctor's appointment, the kids activities for the week and put in the meetings that you found.
Make your bed. Plan and cook a hot meal. It doesn't have to be super, but just do it, go through the motions. One foot in front of the other. It starts with taking care of yourself.

MIRecovery

I have learned that a lot of healing can take place in relationships but it is based on what we do not what we say. For me the healing started when I saw an MD, went to IOP for 4 months, and went to AA 6 days a week for 1.5 years.

She saw I had made a huge commitment to not being the person I was.

Today 6 years down the road we are once again in love with each other.

SilentCinemaFan

THIS. I have never been in the same situation you described but I've done some pretty scummy things this year and the best thing I did was wake up in the morning, get dressed, clean myself up, have a nice full breakfast and coffee and make a list of simple doable goals I can accomplish. I would also get all my appointments for the week mapped out. I made sure drank plenty of water and at least go for a walk or exercised for 20 to 30minutes to get outside. Each day, set aside something you want to look forward to, even if it's something simple like hot cocoa or lunch/dinner with a friend. Keep it simple and count the days. I know for myself my head starts clearing out after 2 weeks. It's not until around 4 months when my fog is completely cleared out but the days go by fast. I usually number them on a calendar I keep in my room and mark the days in the future so I can keep track of milestones like my first 30 days and then my 60 day mark and so on. I did this before I made it up to a good 6 months. You're not a bad person, just a sick person. Remember, time heals wounds and your family will recover from this with time.

enfinthechange

I made Green soup, we sat an ate as a family... I tried to be cheerful.... I gotta face up to it, I got a problem. I have a big problem that has defined my since I was 16... always the biggest drinker the loudest, the funniest (so I thought!!!) I organise the socials at work, my family all drink, my husband drinks a lot, my best mates all drink a lot....

Meraviglioso

They all drink but you don't have to. You are an alcoholic and cannot safely drink. Period. I'll admit, I thought that really, really sucked for a long time (and sometimes still do), but once I owned up to the facts tjings got a lot better in my life.

enfinthechange

I don't know how to be happy.... that's always alcohol.

Meraviglioso

It doesn't sound like alcohol is making you very happy right now. You need to give sobriety a real chance. It doesn't happen overnight you have to keep pushing through with faith.

enfinthechange

You hit the nail on the head there.....

Healthygoals

I can't add anything to what's already been said but I wanted to offer support with absolutely no judgement and an invitation to join us in the class of November.

RedAndy

A lot of sound advice on here and can honestly say I know how you feel having recently cheated whilst away on business worst still with a dancer / sex worker - the guilt was overwhelming and self loathing for what I had done to put everything in jeopardy for a few moments of madness whilst out of my head once again, I didn't stop there and ended up on a further 5 day hell for leather binge to try and block out what I'd done nearly resulting in me being locked up in Dubai - can honestly say those 5 days solved absolutely nothing at all and just made the situation a whole lot worse - I accept it was me that made the mistake but the out of control me - without the drink (and drugs) I wouldn't have done anything of the sort and neither would you. We're not rotten to the core otherwise we wouldn't care at all but as others say the only way to start to put it right is to stop drinking immediately and show that you are serious about it.

My wife whilst hurting massively can see that I am finally 100%. serious about sorting myself out and taking all necessary steps - under no illusions, it's not all going to be plain sailing and I have a hell of a lot of making up to do to win her back fully again and show her that sober and sensible I am also a good person.

enfinthechange

Oh my, u must have felt like I feel now or worse.... poor you.... well done for taking the road to recovery. .. I hope to see u there again being sober😊 I just want to be sober now and have done it for ages... not looking forward to the slog for ever more!