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Old 02-19-2013, 11:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Should be at 44 days today...instead I'm at 1.

I would have been at 44 days today, but instead I'm back at 1. I am so sick with shame and self-hatred. What was supposed to be a relaxing night with the family swimming at a hotel turned into a two-day binge and me wrecking my car.

I'm afraid. I'm supposed to focus on the solution, not the problem, but all I do is create problems and disharmony with everyone around me.

I'm unhappy. There is this rock in the pit of my stomach and I look at my kids and my husband and wonder how I could do this to them over and over.

I don't ever want to be on Day 1 again. Insert giant eye roll here. How many times have I said this? Can it be true this time? Wrecking the car wasn't as bad as what I did to get my first 43 days of sobriety. I thought that jail/losing my kids/hurting my husband was as low as I could get. And it WAS! So can this be my bottom? If it's better than what happened last time, can it be? Because I want it to be! I want to be out of this personal hell that I have created.

I so wish that at every option, we would have made a different decision on Sunday night. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. Now it's all gone. I'm all out of chances, and I'm starting to run out of hope.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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My wife and I went through similar cycles, because we never had a plan for sobriety. Our way just wasn't working.

What HAS worked is having a plan. We found a plan that is all written out and has worked for many others. We go to meetings about our plan almost every night, and have personal assistants who help us with our plan twice a week.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Pretty much speaks volumes, here... I just talked to my husband and he said that the tow truck driver said he was surprised that our insurance didn't just come out to our garage, total it out, and have it towed to a junkyard.

Pretty good odds, eh? One for one, one more 'attempt' at drinking, one wrecked car. I don't know what I'm going to do. There's no way that we are going to be able to afford this without claiming it on insurance, and I have no idea what even happened.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Praying for hope for u. Confess ur sins. U are powerless over alcohol.

Hugs. Here for u
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:27 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear about your relapse SG, but you are wrong when you say you've run out of chances. You are still alive, you are still here, and you still have people that depend on you to not give up. There's absolutely no reason you can't be back at 44 days again 44 days from now, but perhaps a different approach may be in order since what you have been doing hasn't worked long term.

So dust yourself off, and put the self-pity aside...you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to do so. We want you to do so as well, and we KNOW you can do so. You wouldn't have come back here if you didn't know this yourself. Be Strong!
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:30 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hey, so sorry to hear that. It's good to see you back here though.You can do this.Cars can be fixed,just be glad you're not injured. Maybe look at doing something else for recovery this time.Don't beat yourself up though,feelings of guilt and shame -let them go
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:30 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I too have relapsed many times and now I'm finding it harder each time to get on track. I guess that's the progressive part. So lets kick this thing together for us and our families.

Big hugs, hope you feel well again soon.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Sobrietygrl, Should be at 44 days today...instead I'm at 1? You are FANTASTIC. The shame and self-hatred are a waste of time. You'll make it. Rootin for ya.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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My heart is breaking for you. I so feel your pain. I have done all of the above. I am only at 36 days sober now & struggle as well. truth is if I hadn't crashed my truck 36 days ago & lost my kids as a result, & going through crazy court stuff, I would probably drink too. But I realize as much as I want to drink & forget. I will end up sober & just as unhappy, most likely worse the next day.
I'm praying for you.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Talking Almost all of us slip

Quote:
Originally Posted by sobrietygrl4 View Post
I would have been at 44 days today, but instead I'm back at 1. I am so sick with shame and self-hatred. What was supposed to be a relaxing night with the family swimming at a hotel turned into a two-day binge and me wrecking my car.

I'm afraid. I'm supposed to focus on the solution, not the problem, but all I do is create problems and disharmony with everyone around me.

I'm unhappy. There is this rock in the pit of my stomach and I look at my kids and my husband and wonder how I could do this to them over and over.

I don't ever want to be on Day 1 again. Insert giant eye roll here. How many times have I said this? Can it be true this time? Wrecking the car wasn't as bad as what I did to get my first 43 days of sobriety. I thought that jail/losing my kids/hurting my husband was as low as I could get. And it WAS! So can this be my bottom? If it's better than what happened last time, can it be? Because I want it to be! I want to be out of this personal hell that I have created.

I so wish that at every option, we would have made a different decision on Sunday night. I was feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. Now it's all gone. I'm all out of chances, and I'm starting to run out of hope.
I'm sorry about your car. Hey you slipped after 44 days. Don't be so hard
on yourself. Now just say you had one slip up in 44 days. Don't feel guilty...your not going to DT as bad if at all. Self guilt over 1 relapse can lead to more. I'm on day 5 of sobriety and still going through DT's and practically no sleep. Alcohol calls when you least expect it. About three weeks ago I was turning in my drive way and overshot it and ended up in a deep ditch. I thought I was sober but alcohol was still backed up in
my system. I was fortunate not to have gotten a DUI and someone came a long and gave me a quick pull. But just resolve yourself not to drink again and keep moving forward with life. We are alcoholics...sometimes it takes several slip ups before you get it right.
Don't feel guilty...endeavor to persevere.
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Old 02-19-2013, 12:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're not hurt or anything sobrietygrl4.

for fully 15 years I tried to be sober....don't lose heart

I understand why you're beating yourself up but really - it's pointless...we can't change a second of the past.

We can do a lot with the now tho - this really can be your last day one

What do you think you can add to what you've been doing so far in terms of your recovery?

D
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Old 02-19-2013, 01:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I am so grateful for all of the support that I have found on this site. First things first, I made the call to my insurance. I may have dodged a bullet - they didn't ask for any real details of the accident, just where the car is at right now and where they should send payments to for my rental. Thank God I had full coverage on that car.

Truth be told, I may have dodged a much deadlier bullet. Dee, you asked what I could add to what I've been doing in terms of my recovery. I have not been honest with myself regarding my addiction, or, should I say, addictions. I have had problems with prescription pills in the past as well. They were never my drug of choice, but if they were available, hey, why not? Since they weren't my 'real' problem, I thought that if I just did that once in awhile, it wouldn't count against me as long as I wasn't drinking. Pills used to find their way to me, not the other way around. I never went looking for them, and I never paid for them. So when these thoughts of taking some pills started creeping in, I realized that I had no idea how to go about getting them. Some guys in treatment are recovering from heroin. They, and others, go on and on about how much easier it is to get than pretty much anything else. When I wrecked my car, I was on my way to try and test those waters. How's that for insane behavior? How's that for trading addictions? So, I pledge to add the following to my recovery plan:

1. No more pills or any other mood-altering substances. I am an alcoholic AND an addict. I will not replace one addiction with another.
2. I will call my sponsor and be honest with her. I talked to her once today and was not honest. I am dreading the ocnversation, but I need to be up-front with her if I hope to move forward.
3. I have not been doing the readings that my sponsor has told me to do, nor have I been praying in the morning and at night. That will now be part of my structured routine EVERY DAY.
4. I have been letting my general feelings of dis-ease get the better of me. I will call someone when I have these feelings. I will get out of myself. And, if I can, I will also go to a meeting.

I know that sitting on the pity pot will not do me or anyone else any good. Nonetheless, I'm riddled with guilt and shame. I think I may have mispoke before. Driving drunk into a scary neighborhood in search of drugs that would have most definitely caused the destruction of me and my family is probably a new low. I was just told on Thursday that heroin addicts have a typical life-expectancy of two years. Having my kids taken away from me is nowhere near as bad as me throwing them away.
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Old 02-19-2013, 01:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I, too, can feel the pain you are going through. I continued to mess up things time after time and couldn't seem to figure it out.

Finally, I realized that I needed to give myself permission to have a good life. I was so used to faltering and failing and blaming myself, that it really took effort for me to fully accept that yes, I did deserve a good life. We all do.
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Old 02-19-2013, 01:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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wow...sounds like the accident might have been a little bit of providence in the end SG?

D
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Old 02-19-2013, 07:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I am glad you came back on SR right after you slipped up. I am back today at day one as well, ht have decided not to focus in counting days, rather making positive choices each day.

I am glad you weren't hurt in the accident.
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Old 02-19-2013, 09:40 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I, too, can feel the pain you are going through. I continued to mess up things time after time and couldn't seem to figure it out.

Finally, I realized that I needed to give myself permission to have a good life. I was so used to faltering and failing and blaming myself, that it really took effort for me to fully accept that yes, I did deserve a good life. We all do.
Wow! Powerful words.
I too feel like everytime I take a couple steps in the right direction I somehow seem to step in a steaming pile of Poop!
I guess I too need to realize I need to let myself be happy & just start looking for the crap piles before I step in them!
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Old 02-19-2013, 10:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Maybe find some other people in treatment you can learn from, people who talk about "healthier" things, i.e., not where you can get what drugs.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:02 PM   #18 (permalink)
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thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:21 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I just want to throw this out here:

You're still alive. You still have a family that obviously cares for you. You still have a roof over your head.

If you take away everything else and put aside the roadbumps the recent incident has caused, don't you have everything you really need? There are always those less fortunate, and yes there are even those that would kill to be in your shoes because it's a step up from where they are, as hard as that might be to believe.

Take a moment to take stock of what you have. Inventory is something that everyone does in some form or another in their line of work. You don't know what you need until you have a good idea of what you have.

I can't speak to you about the program because I'm not well initiated enough with it myself.. but I can say that change starts from within. If you want to change the world, all you need to do is change the way you see it. No one here can give you anything you don't already have inside of you. They CAN offer you support and help guide you to the place where you can see that for yourself. There's no turn by turn GPS or roadmaps to lead you to that place. Once you arrive there and look back though, you'll realize it was the journey and not the destination that truly saved you.
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Old 02-20-2013, 07:06 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Day 2. I prayed last night and this morning, talked to my sponsor and shared at a meeting this morning. My head feels clear and focused. So, reflecting back on my list of my additions to my recovery program, I made pretty much four for four. Technically, I didn't really have any yucky feelings, so the last one isn't entirely applicable, but I still went to a meeting.

Today, I'm wearing sparkly jewelry. Earrings, a bracelet, and my rings. My shirt is black, but it has sparkly beads around the neckline. This is the symbolism of my bright future. Things are going to be OK. You guys are right. I have not lost everything. I have many things to be grateful for. This morning, I was late to work because I stopped to kiss and hug my kids, and to deliver some yummy ribs to my husband. These are my blessings.
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