506 days sober and feeing suicidal
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 668
Hi, I have multiple fibroids (myomas) that were discovered in 2008 when I was pregnant with my second child. I have since had another child. My fibroids are so bad I'm having a hysterectomy in a few months. Just wanted to reassure you that not having kids has nothing to do with fibroids! In my case it's genetic. Grandmother had them, my sister has them (also has 3 kids) and she needs hysterectomy too. If you only have one then there are new treatments which can be used sometimes instead of surgery. Just didn't want you to be worrying about this, they are a nuisance but are benign. Hope that you get all your other health issues sorted and feel better soon x
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
Thank you for all your support - you are giving me so so so much more power to face everyday reality.
Mavis - Thanks A LOT for sharing your experience and encouraging words! I hope that hysterectomy will go as smooth as possible!
So, I've just back from the Doc and it turned out that everything was no so bad after all! My hormones are not that screwed as I had expected them to be. One of hormones is very low, but the doc said is probably due to my depression and then taking antidepressants to add to other issues.
She said it will bounce back to normal along with other issues improving.
Other tests came good overall too, with so minor issues. I got my treatment plan. It may take up to 6 months to get things straight, but I feel so relieved now.
I've been postponing this for quite a time wih my fear growing bigger and bigger, not, when the picture is clear, I feel so much better.
Thank you again!
Love you all)
Thank you for all your support - you are giving me so so so much more power to face everyday reality.
Mavis - Thanks A LOT for sharing your experience and encouraging words! I hope that hysterectomy will go as smooth as possible!
So, I've just back from the Doc and it turned out that everything was no so bad after all! My hormones are not that screwed as I had expected them to be. One of hormones is very low, but the doc said is probably due to my depression and then taking antidepressants to add to other issues.
She said it will bounce back to normal along with other issues improving.
Other tests came good overall too, with so minor issues. I got my treatment plan. It may take up to 6 months to get things straight, but I feel so relieved now.
I've been postponing this for quite a time wih my fear growing bigger and bigger, not, when the picture is clear, I feel so much better.
Thank you again!
Love you all)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
It's already midnight at my place and I've just reached my 2 years sober milestone.
And, all of sudden I am feeling so lost now.
It's surely different from "that lost" two years ago.
But I feel scared again today.
I've started actively looking for a day job today. And I am so afraid that need for money will force me into another job which I will hate, and which, at the same time, will prevent me from following my major goals.
I am trying to make priorities now, and my mind is splitting. I do need money and stable income to improve financial situation and pay off debts, and yet - what's all this for if I am unhappy again?
I've managed to solve a lot of issues in my sobriety, and now what I lack most is a job that will give me stability and let me catch my "financial breath".
And again I am afraid to be stuck in "comfortable and stable" job. I know this feeling - tired after day job postponing my own project for "forever tomorrow".
Thank you for listening to me.
It's already midnight at my place and I've just reached my 2 years sober milestone.
And, all of sudden I am feeling so lost now.
It's surely different from "that lost" two years ago.
But I feel scared again today.
I've started actively looking for a day job today. And I am so afraid that need for money will force me into another job which I will hate, and which, at the same time, will prevent me from following my major goals.
I am trying to make priorities now, and my mind is splitting. I do need money and stable income to improve financial situation and pay off debts, and yet - what's all this for if I am unhappy again?
I've managed to solve a lot of issues in my sobriety, and now what I lack most is a job that will give me stability and let me catch my "financial breath".
And again I am afraid to be stuck in "comfortable and stable" job. I know this feeling - tired after day job postponing my own project for "forever tomorrow".
Thank you for listening to me.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Congratulations, MB! It is great to see you.
Don't invite trouble just yet. Look at jobs that you actually like and think you would be well-suited for. It may well be that you'll get one. Maybe you won't end up stuck in a frustrating dead-end job after all.
One day at a time in this situation, too.
Don't invite trouble just yet. Look at jobs that you actually like and think you would be well-suited for. It may well be that you'll get one. Maybe you won't end up stuck in a frustrating dead-end job after all.
One day at a time in this situation, too.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all.
I've checked my Sobriety calculator and it turns out I've passed my 900 days - Day 901 today.
I've been struggling a lot due to financial issues lately (well, lately goes to a few months at least).
My fragile emotional state started showing signs of "cracks" again and some dark thought have been visiting me now and then.
It's still better compared to before I had started anti-depressants.
But I think I am tired of overall depressive state - like constantly walking under dark cloud of something that is threatening me.
Well, that's it for today, I think.
See you all.
I've checked my Sobriety calculator and it turns out I've passed my 900 days - Day 901 today.
I've been struggling a lot due to financial issues lately (well, lately goes to a few months at least).
My fragile emotional state started showing signs of "cracks" again and some dark thought have been visiting me now and then.
It's still better compared to before I had started anti-depressants.
But I think I am tired of overall depressive state - like constantly walking under dark cloud of something that is threatening me.
Well, that's it for today, I think.
See you all.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
All this time I was pretty much of an advocate of fighting, walking through the fear, and never giving up.
Lately I've heard a lot of times that I will be ok. So lot of times that it made me scream "No, I will not. And I am not ok!".
Am not ok. And I don't want to be "ok". I want to be alive and want to live.
Last couple of days I've been asking the Universe to provide me with a painless way to leave the life.
I don't want to live. I am not afraid to die. I hate all the reality around me.
And I will not be "ok".
Lately I've heard a lot of times that I will be ok. So lot of times that it made me scream "No, I will not. And I am not ok!".
Am not ok. And I don't want to be "ok". I want to be alive and want to live.
Last couple of days I've been asking the Universe to provide me with a painless way to leave the life.
I don't want to live. I am not afraid to die. I hate all the reality around me.
And I will not be "ok".
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
MB please call somebody and get some help.
Get an appointment with your Dr or therapist.
Go to the local hospital.
This is not a normal way to feel.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Samaritans (Cherepovets)
54, Stalevarov str.
162600
CHEREPOVETS
Contact by: Face to Face - Phone - Letter:
Hotline: 007 (8202) 577-577
Hours:
Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 09:00 - 21:00
Youth Crisis Line
D25, Centralnaya Street
156014
KOSTROMA
Contact by: - Phone
Hotline: (7) 0942 224 621
Hours:
Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 18:00 - 21:00
I don't read Cyrillic so I don't know if this page helps or not, but I'll add it just in case
Russian - Crisis ClinicCrisis Clinic
You can get past all your current problems - don't fall for thinking that things will never get better.
Think of how far you've come since you've joined SR. Read back in past posts if you don't believe me.
You're worthy of help, and love and a good life.
D
Get an appointment with your Dr or therapist.
Go to the local hospital.
This is not a normal way to feel.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Samaritans (Cherepovets)
54, Stalevarov str.
162600
CHEREPOVETS
Contact by: Face to Face - Phone - Letter:
Hotline: 007 (8202) 577-577
Hours:
Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 09:00 - 21:00
Youth Crisis Line
D25, Centralnaya Street
156014
KOSTROMA
Contact by: - Phone
Hotline: (7) 0942 224 621
Hours:
Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun: 18:00 - 21:00
I don't read Cyrillic so I don't know if this page helps or not, but I'll add it just in case
Russian - Crisis ClinicCrisis Clinic
You can get past all your current problems - don't fall for thinking that things will never get better.
Think of how far you've come since you've joined SR. Read back in past posts if you don't believe me.
You're worthy of help, and love and a good life.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
MB, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, I believe you..,the way you are thinking/feeling is not ok...contact the links Dee has up...they can help so much.
Have you called anyone MB to tell them how you feel?
Tell them just like you are telling us till they hear you.
Or go to your ER, tell them and let them take the pressure of you.
Have you called anyone MB to tell them how you feel?
Tell them just like you are telling us till they hear you.
Or go to your ER, tell them and let them take the pressure of you.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you, Dee, for taking time to find these links.
Thank you, Notimetolose.
But, honestly, I don't think I want help. Help me presume that it will require me taking efforts and pain again - no one can help me until I want to be helped. And I don't want to take any pain any more.
All I want is a way out.
Thank you, Notimetolose.
But, honestly, I don't think I want help. Help me presume that it will require me taking efforts and pain again - no one can help me until I want to be helped. And I don't want to take any pain any more.
All I want is a way out.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I'm so, so sorry, MB. 
At this point, why don't you make a deal with yourself to keep going at least until you have one solid month of being paid? Surely you can hang on that long. Just don't give up until your new real life has a chance to start!
I know you're not religious, but I am praying for you anyway. It's the one concrete thing that I've got to offer.
At this point, why don't you make a deal with yourself to keep going at least until you have one solid month of being paid? Surely you can hang on that long. Just don't give up until your new real life has a chance to start!
I know you're not religious, but I am praying for you anyway. It's the one concrete thing that I've got to offer.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
If I had made a decision on how I felt in mid 20s, I might not be here.
I would have missed out on a lot of great things.
Things can and do get better MB - we can and do get better too.
You are much loved and appreciated here. People clearly see value in you.
You're courageous and thoughtful, caring and compassionate.
Even if you can't see it yourself right now, please accept that you might be not thinking clearly right now.
Please reconsider getting some help.
D
I would have missed out on a lot of great things.
Things can and do get better MB - we can and do get better too.
You are much loved and appreciated here. People clearly see value in you.
You're courageous and thoughtful, caring and compassionate.
Even if you can't see it yourself right now, please accept that you might be not thinking clearly right now.
Please reconsider getting some help.
D
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
MB, sometimes there's a need for the objective or wiser part of us to take over and steer for a while. I think of it as my wiser self, or outside observer. She sometimes has the task to make the hard, responsible decisions when the regular me doesn't feel up to it.
I hope you tap into your wiser self right now. Please know that things always change. Nothing ever stays the same. It's something my mother taught me years ago.
Please hold on, MB.
I hope you tap into your wiser self right now. Please know that things always change. Nothing ever stays the same. It's something my mother taught me years ago.
Please hold on, MB.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
I am so, so sorry that you're feeling this way, Midnight, but the others are right - you do need help at the moment. Treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend who was going through the same experience. Help and support are out there.
I know you can't see it at the moment, but, with help, this will pass and you WILL feel differently. There is still plenty of badass in you, my lovely pal, please don't hurt it
I know you can't see it at the moment, but, with help, this will pass and you WILL feel differently. There is still plenty of badass in you, my lovely pal, please don't hurt it
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
((MB))...you sound like you are in a awfully tough place!..
It is important that even when we in our darkest place and can not see the light at the end of the tunnel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes we have to just reach out for somethings even when we don't want to.
Have you talked to anyone at the links added?....
...just talk, no obligation, you can just talk and tell them how you feel, tell them you don't want help...! Just a little reach.
It is important that even when we in our darkest place and can not see the light at the end of the tunnel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes we have to just reach out for somethings even when we don't want to.
Have you talked to anyone at the links added?....
...just talk, no obligation, you can just talk and tell them how you feel, tell them you don't want help...! Just a little reach.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
