Gilmer

I am so glad for the encouraging responses, both to your ad and from Nuudawn about the nature of selling vehicles! Someone will definitely buy it soon!

Nuudawn

Love this analogy. When I mentioned the sales pro's that would come to my aid if I was struggling. They would deliver the "final deal" so to speak. They would just drop in the air..and stare at the customer. The rule was..the first person to speak was giving in.

I don't know how many times I watched this. I can't explain that dead silence that seemed like it went on forever. It felt like some sort of wild west showdown. I would have to fight hard not to say something myself. And I never saw my sales' manager lose. It was quite something.

Your "sit chilly" reference reminded me of that.
If you can "sit chilly" on a huge beast of a horse.

You can do anything : )

MidnightBlue

Hi, pals)

I sold the car yesterday.

I am somewhat tired and sleepy, so I'll elaborate on the details later.

Just wanted to share it with you)

See you all.

Gilmer

YIPPEE!!



Congratulations, MB! Did you get your asking price?

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Gilmer)

I reduced my asking price - the guy who bought it told me that he was ready to buy it without running additional tests at mechanics, and just in a couple of days. I first met with him on Sunday, and sold the car on Tuesday)

So, I listened to my guts and decided that it would be a reasonable deal for me taking into consideration the circumstances.

Plus it feels so good to have this burden off my shoulders!

Dee74

Glad you sold the car MB

D

Innercircle

Hey MB. I totally relate to what you are feeling. I have been going pretty much through the same thing as you. Damn it does really hurt! I am trudging along though. There have got to be better days ahead. I just need to get busy and get out of my head more so I can self forget. It is by self forgetting that we find ourselves. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Love hugs, James

MIRecovery

MB I know about depression and the feeling that there is no way out. I know about the crushing weight of grief and sadness.

I also know that drinking and suicide are not viable options. So what am I to do?

I have been sober long enough to know isolation is fatal to me. I've also been sober long enough to know nothing is forever so I have to live in the day and be great full for the things I do have and not the things I don't. I try to fill my horribly dark days with positive things.

This is what I did today:
Posted something positive on SR
Went to an A A meeting
Talked with friends after the meeting
Talked to my sponsor
Enjoyed my stepsons short birthday party because there was alcohol there
Post on SR
Go to bed early

Tomorrow will be similar but with the addition of church. God I know it is hard but keep doing the things that have kept you sober thus far

MidnightBlue

Thank you for the support, friends.

It means a lot to know that there are people who understand how I feel.

At the moment I am feeling better, but I do understand I have to be on guard and work everyday to deal with depression, so that when life throws some issues at me, it won't crash me.

James - Thank you so much) Get out of my head - exactly. If I stay there long enough, the abyss of darkness gets too big. I hope there are brither days ahead for both of us.

MIRecovery - Thank you for taking time to post on my thread, and bring me some of your strength and wisdom. I am still learning to live in the day, and it seems to be one of the hardest things to learn for me. To let go and see bigger picture. But even though at some point suicide looked like a viable option, I knew that as far as I am not turning to numbing my feelings with wine again, there is hope to climb out to light out of darkness.

The way you hold on among this incredibly tough time for you gives me, and all SR folks, that whatever happens - it's our choice to stay sober and strong.

Thank you)

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

It's been a while since I posted on this thread - which is a good sign, I suppose.

The meds are working - I've been taking them for three months by far, and I think yesterday I felt its "accumulated affect" - like I got new vision, and feeling that everything will be ok.

Today is feeling quite low though.

And by the end of the day started freaking out.

First, tomorrow I am going for some medical test - hormones and then ultrasound of my thyroid.

I check it regularly since I have lumps in my thyroid. Last year the doctor said that they will probably grow up to 1 centimeter, and I will need puncturing. And I am scared.

And my hormones are obviously not OK (I will spare you details here why I think so). And in addition to being just plain scared, I just hate it.

Every time I go to the thyroid specialist (and I've been at different ones during last few years), they start asking me questions why I have no kids. The last year the doctor even asked me am I married.

I understand that feminine health is closely related to giving a birth, and it effects the body overall. I understand all this. But what I am supposed to do? Just go have a child to avoid health issues? Am I supposed to tell doctor all the story of my life and that it's not until just few months ago that I actually started to LIVE and develop some positive outlook for the future.

And every time they look at me as if they know the answer to all my problems - that I have no children.

WTF?

Am I not worth getting adequate treatment because of that? Why they just can't do they job to help me and stick their attitude to some far away place.

Why I am supposed to feel so humiliated every time, and feel like I won't be cured until I have a child.

It sucks big time.

Sorry for the rant, but I am so f***g tired of people judging me by children/no children criteria. I don't believe that having children makes anyone a better person or serves as an evidence of a person's wholeness.

Ok, now I let it out.

And another reason for freaking out. I will have to find a day job to deal with financial issues, because my freelancing is not enough now, especially with works on my new apartment.

I've been freelancing for 4 years by now, and I have no idea how to get a job with this "gap" in CV, and where to look, and how I will "fit in" when I finally find some.

I hope after good sleep I will feel better.

See you all)

biminiblue

I don't have kids. I'm older and in very good health.

People have always questioned me about it. None of their business, and I tell them that if they aren't friends.

The job thing will work out (I'm looking too - I've had 7 years away from working, and look how freakin OLD I am, )

venuscat

Thinking of you Midnight.
Hoping you are feeling a little less low very soon.

Sweety, I'm much older than you. I don't have kids, and I don't give a hoot what people think of that decision. I know ~ when we are feeling down, we are way more sensitive to everything, including other people's opinions. Bet none of those people can box like you, or can say that they trained with Evander.

Sending you love and strength, and thanking you for all that you have been sending my way.

V xx

Jeni26

Hi MB.

Thinking of you my friend. I know that when I'm low, I become extra sensitive to other people's comments. I'm sure your Doctors ask these questions because whether or not you have children just affects your hormone levels. They are not interested in your personal life or making judgements about you.

You are doing really well..I look up to the way you handle things with dignity and courage, and no matter how difficult you just walk through them.

Keep moving forward. I'm by your side, as always x

MidnightBlue

Thank you, friends!

It was so great to wake to your support and encouragement.

You are all so awesome!

I am about to go do my tests now - can't even have coffee before, just water.
Just want all this to be over.

I'll let you know how it went as soon as I am back.

Love you all)

MidnightBlue

Hi, frends.

Just back from the doctor's. The hormone tests will be ready tomorrow.

The results of ultrasound didn't went well - one of my lumps developed into bigger ones and formed kind of a "knot" consisting of several ones. It grew up to 2 cm, and apparenetly will need puncturing.

I am quite upset and somewhat scared at the moment.

Also I wan't quite happy with the thyroid doctor I saw last time. I used to go to the same one, but when I moved to another location, I had to find a new one.

And, considering complications, I want to see a doctor who knows what she is doing and competent.

And, I am also worried how it will affect looking for/getting job - I need money desperately at the moment.

Ok, I've decided I will give myself some time for a little "pity- party", maybe 2-3 hours just sitting, finally having coffee and thinking about nothing.

Then I will figure out what to do.

What also freaks me out - that my habit of thinking is that I somehow "deserve" all this.
WTF?!!

Thank you all for being here for me.

I so need your support.

See you later)

venuscat

Well, it seems we are on a similar road right now hun....not fun.

OK....2 hours is what you get for the pity party.
Then I'm going to make you laugh whether you want to or not.

We are both going to be mentally strong enough to get the work we need to make some money here. Somehow. We will. We can do this.

V xx

By the way....thinking we deserve the bad stuff....maybe, like me, you are still feeling guilty for being an addict? It's nuts you know.
We are in recovery, and doing an awesome job. Awesome. ♥

Gilmer

(((mb)))

venuscat

Are you feeling any better yet love? Ready to get back in the ring?
Perhaps this fighting feline will inspire you.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=si4go3Hraq8



V xx

MidnightBlue

Hey, Venus

You did this - you made me smile and laugh.

Thank you!!!

Yep, ready to get back in the ring.

Though not feeling well - in addition to all this my lag tooth or whatever it is giving me extremely hard time and it's painful to chew, I feel like all my jaw bones hurt. And gums are swollen. Just feel crappy.

If it doesn't get better, I will have to see a dentist. Yes, that's what I really need now - the bill from a dentist.

Time to get on my gloves and kick azz to whatever is throwing all this crap at me.

I am unbalanced in the moment, but I will get momentum and regain it - what choice do I have?

Sending you lots of positive vibes, my friend. We are fighters, and we'll make it.

As for "I deserve it" BS - it's more deeply rooted than addiction. Some childhood-wired crap. I will kick it buttizmo (it's plagiarism from Fandy) too.

Gilmer - thanks for hugs and stopping by)

See you all later.

MidnightBlue

Oops. Double post)