My 20 year old Son
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Indiana
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AWF, I am sending virtual hugs. You are so right about everything being counterintuitive! The blaming is absolutely insane. The suicide threats too - are they just there to get us to do what they want, or are they so despondent, they would actually entertain the idea? This is no life for any of us!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Pouncer,
I appreciate your feedback.
Have you ever considered that some of your deep seeded problems are actually the result of drinking at an early age? I am a strong believer that we are value programmed between the ages of 7 and 17 and if someone is drinking and drugging during critical years of development, well, then, core values will be skewed. I believe my son doesn't understand what normal is because he started smoking pot at such an early age. Pain is an building block for wisdom. He has been drugging away his pain, not confronting it, and not becoming wiser. He's still a 12 year old inside.
As for my 20 year old son offering my 15 year old son drugs, I blame this ENTIRELY on my 20 year old son. Do you really expect a 15 year old to say no and to tell his big brother he is wrong, especially as manipulating as our 20 year old son is? I strongly believe our 20 year old son was trying to bring down our younger son for selfish reasons because he's doing so well with sports and school. I swear right now, everything our 20 year old does has something to do with his continued use of drugs, period.
As for "supporting" our son, any money I give him is just more money to dig deeper. As long as he's not wanting to win, I'm not giving him a dime. I'll pay for him living at the 1/2 way house, but nothing else right now, no summer school. Sobriety is job one. I reminded him what I wrote in my impact letter, -I'm afraid of him. -I will protect mom and his brother. He's not welcome in our home until he has earned back his trust, and it's going a long time, longer now.
I appreciate your feedback.
Have you ever considered that some of your deep seeded problems are actually the result of drinking at an early age? I am a strong believer that we are value programmed between the ages of 7 and 17 and if someone is drinking and drugging during critical years of development, well, then, core values will be skewed. I believe my son doesn't understand what normal is because he started smoking pot at such an early age. Pain is an building block for wisdom. He has been drugging away his pain, not confronting it, and not becoming wiser. He's still a 12 year old inside.
As for my 20 year old son offering my 15 year old son drugs, I blame this ENTIRELY on my 20 year old son. Do you really expect a 15 year old to say no and to tell his big brother he is wrong, especially as manipulating as our 20 year old son is? I strongly believe our 20 year old son was trying to bring down our younger son for selfish reasons because he's doing so well with sports and school. I swear right now, everything our 20 year old does has something to do with his continued use of drugs, period.
As for "supporting" our son, any money I give him is just more money to dig deeper. As long as he's not wanting to win, I'm not giving him a dime. I'll pay for him living at the 1/2 way house, but nothing else right now, no summer school. Sobriety is job one. I reminded him what I wrote in my impact letter, -I'm afraid of him. -I will protect mom and his brother. He's not welcome in our home until he has earned back his trust, and it's going a long time, longer now.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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As for deep-seated issues, I was alluding to being severely abused and neglected as a child. I am a middle-aged woman and I still can vividly recall events that happened decades ago -- trauma is often an impetus to addiction. I was also partially raised by a grandmother who taught us to be honest, kind, empathetic and generous.
By 'support' I did not mean monetary support; I meant emotional and parental support. It made my heart sink to read that your son 'is not welcome(d).' His addiction is not driven by intent to hurt you or anyone else. Addiction in itself is not a matter of morality, either. I just wanted to add my .02
I wish you and your family well.
By 'support' I did not mean monetary support; I meant emotional and parental support. It made my heart sink to read that your son 'is not welcome(d).' His addiction is not driven by intent to hurt you or anyone else. Addiction in itself is not a matter of morality, either. I just wanted to add my .02
I wish you and your family well.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
AWF, hope you and your wife are hanging in there and that your son can turn things around. Glad that he is still living in the halfway house. Totally agree with your assessment of the maturity level based on the age they begin drug use. Definitely see that in my son. Still thinks like a 15 year old in many ways. He'll be reaching his 90 days soon and while he appears to be doing well, working the program, has a job, and we have attended group therapy sessions and family counseling, I know that he is the one in control of his recovery and we have to be prepared for all possibilities when he comes home.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Pouncer.
Thanks again for the input.
I'm not aware of any abuse. I will ask him. I too attempted to teach him to be honest, kind, empathetic and generous. My son seems to be kind, empathetic, and generous inside when he is sober, but he's far from honest.
My heart sinks too when I cannot allow him into our home. This was one of the hardest things I've had to say to him. The last time he was home we hid the guns, alcohol, money, knives, and car keys. I slept on the hallway floor with the dog between my young son's bedroom door and my wife's (our) bedroom door. And the people he associates with scare the hell out of me.
Thanks again for the input.
I'm not aware of any abuse. I will ask him. I too attempted to teach him to be honest, kind, empathetic and generous. My son seems to be kind, empathetic, and generous inside when he is sober, but he's far from honest.
My heart sinks too when I cannot allow him into our home. This was one of the hardest things I've had to say to him. The last time he was home we hid the guns, alcohol, money, knives, and car keys. I slept on the hallway floor with the dog between my young son's bedroom door and my wife's (our) bedroom door. And the people he associates with scare the hell out of me.
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Posts: 793
AWF, it is one of the most painful things we endure: being afraid of our own children when they are in active addiction. And the hardest thing I have ever done was tell my daughter last May that she couldn't come home again until she needed a ride to treatment. I completely support your decision and commend you for all you have done to this point for your dear son. Funding his stay in a sober house is not chump change, either.
There's a point where the actions related to their addiction begins to threaten and harm the rest of the family's safety and well-being, and that is when we parents have to make these hard decisions.
My heart goes out to you. I have been there. I send strength and wisdom your way!
There's a point where the actions related to their addiction begins to threaten and harm the rest of the family's safety and well-being, and that is when we parents have to make these hard decisions.
My heart goes out to you. I have been there. I send strength and wisdom your way!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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AWF, I cringed when I read your post about hiding everything! We did the exact same thing the last time JJ stayed "one night". It is definitely best that you keep an emotional distance in early recovery. Your son can surround himself with people working towards the same goals. You and your family (like all of us family members) are tools to him. He will continue to rely on you and manipulate if he is able to.
Recovery takes time. I still am waiting for JJ to make it around the bend (five long years). The last few years I really took a step back and I am so happy I did. JJ's addiction was controlling everything I did and thought. My entire family resented him for what he was doing, yet I do also know it wasn't done "at me". It just "is" what addicts do.
Recovery takes time. I still am waiting for JJ to make it around the bend (five long years). The last few years I really took a step back and I am so happy I did. JJ's addiction was controlling everything I did and thought. My entire family resented him for what he was doing, yet I do also know it wasn't done "at me". It just "is" what addicts do.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 20
AWF,
I'm so sorry that your son relapsed. I shook as I read this as your son can be my son. They are the same age and sound like they have the same cocky attitude. My son argued in rehab that he was not an addict and is now in IOP saying the same thing. He is also facing criminal charges. The difference is I let him come home. And reading the last few pages of this thread are scaring the hell out of me. I pray for all of our children, that they find the strength to overcome their addictions.
I'm so sorry that your son relapsed. I shook as I read this as your son can be my son. They are the same age and sound like they have the same cocky attitude. My son argued in rehab that he was not an addict and is now in IOP saying the same thing. He is also facing criminal charges. The difference is I let him come home. And reading the last few pages of this thread are scaring the hell out of me. I pray for all of our children, that they find the strength to overcome their addictions.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
Just hang in there. It is so hard to be strong and hold the line as parent. I do not not know how not to care. It is such a difficult position to be in to have an addicted child. I literally feel, sometimes, like I would give up anything, my own life, to make it better. But would it really? Probably not, because no matter what I give up, it's still up to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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My son had a great day today. He sounds wonderful.
I asked him what he learned from his relapse. He quickly rattled off a bunch of stuff including that he lost his honor, trust, etc. etc. He had been thinking about it, obviously. He summarized that he lost everything that he worked very hard to build over the last two months. A 10 second wrong choice threw it all away. He agreed he had a problem.
During this whole event my Son alleged that another person in the house, call him Guy, was using etizolam and gave it to him, and was lying to the house. Guy tested negative for drugs however, whereas our Son tested positive and was entirely messed up for two days. Furthermore, our Son's safe was broken into during his relapse and $600 dollars went missing. My Son suggested Guy took it but couldn't prove it. Because of the test results, we didn't believe our Son. In fact, our Son eventually believed he, himself, broke into the safe when he was under the influence because he was too messed up to enter the code. Guy suggested this. In the end, our Son agreed it doesn't really matter what Guy is doing. Our Son agreed accepting and consuming the drugs was his problem, and there will be more situations like this were he needs to say no.
Well, our Son called back later tonight with good/bad news. The entire house went to an AA meeting tonight except Guy. When they returned, my Son went to his safe to pay rent. The rest of his money was gone. Others in the house started to put two and two together and realized Guy had recently purchased merchandise. The house rallied behind my Son. They blocked Guy's car in the lot when he returned. They called the Police. Eventually, Guy coughed up the money, -some of it already spent. Guy then tested positive for benzo (it was etizolam, short lived and hard to detect). Guy was then kicked out of the house. This event significantly raised my Son's honor, trust, integrity, and respect within the house.
I asked him what he learned from his relapse. He quickly rattled off a bunch of stuff including that he lost his honor, trust, etc. etc. He had been thinking about it, obviously. He summarized that he lost everything that he worked very hard to build over the last two months. A 10 second wrong choice threw it all away. He agreed he had a problem.
During this whole event my Son alleged that another person in the house, call him Guy, was using etizolam and gave it to him, and was lying to the house. Guy tested negative for drugs however, whereas our Son tested positive and was entirely messed up for two days. Furthermore, our Son's safe was broken into during his relapse and $600 dollars went missing. My Son suggested Guy took it but couldn't prove it. Because of the test results, we didn't believe our Son. In fact, our Son eventually believed he, himself, broke into the safe when he was under the influence because he was too messed up to enter the code. Guy suggested this. In the end, our Son agreed it doesn't really matter what Guy is doing. Our Son agreed accepting and consuming the drugs was his problem, and there will be more situations like this were he needs to say no.
Well, our Son called back later tonight with good/bad news. The entire house went to an AA meeting tonight except Guy. When they returned, my Son went to his safe to pay rent. The rest of his money was gone. Others in the house started to put two and two together and realized Guy had recently purchased merchandise. The house rallied behind my Son. They blocked Guy's car in the lot when he returned. They called the Police. Eventually, Guy coughed up the money, -some of it already spent. Guy then tested positive for benzo (it was etizolam, short lived and hard to detect). Guy was then kicked out of the house. This event significantly raised my Son's honor, trust, integrity, and respect within the house.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
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So happy to hear the good news. He sounds like he is in a great house and has support all around him. I know you are breathing a sigh of relief. Prayers for him to continue down the road of recovery. You are an awesome father!
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Wow! I am so happy to hear that your son didn't last long in the relapse. When I read the post (before the very end) I was thinking that your son probably took the money, but then the truth was revealed. Is it possible to not have to give your son the money to hold so this can be avoided in the future?
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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AWF- I guess I've been through this so many times that I am forever the pessimist. Did you verify the story about Guy with someone other than your son? My daughter was (is) a master manipulator and that story sounds similar to one I heard while she was in recovery (someone stealing from her). Sorry, I don't mean to doubt your son but.... probably don't have to finish the sentence, I'm sure you understand.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Happy Mother's day to all mothers.
Lleana,
Yes. Guy pulled $1800 from his sock after they called the cops on him. The cops would have been patted him down and found it. Guy went to jail and furthermore he tested positive for benzos. He was taking more and more of the drug so eventually it showed up in his system. He had been taking it all along. But again, my son should have said NO.
When talking to my son, I asked him, how did it make him feel. Guy played him as a best friend and then stole from him. Did it make him feel like he should not be trusting someone who is taking drugs? He said yes. Correct, so then I asked, how do you think Mom and Dad feel about him.
We are visiting him today!
Lleana,
Yes. Guy pulled $1800 from his sock after they called the cops on him. The cops would have been patted him down and found it. Guy went to jail and furthermore he tested positive for benzos. He was taking more and more of the drug so eventually it showed up in his system. He had been taking it all along. But again, my son should have said NO.
When talking to my son, I asked him, how did it make him feel. Guy played him as a best friend and then stole from him. Did it make him feel like he should not be trusting someone who is taking drugs? He said yes. Correct, so then I asked, how do you think Mom and Dad feel about him.
We are visiting him today!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
AWF- Good! I'm glad you got the truth. While I'm sorry your son was a victim sometimes being in that "other" role gives you insight into your own behavior.
Before our daughter's addiction, I'll be honest, I passed addicts on the street and thought little about them except maybe some contempt. Now I pass by and say a prayer for their them AND their parents.
Before our daughter's addiction, I'll be honest, I passed addicts on the street and thought little about them except maybe some contempt. Now I pass by and say a prayer for their them AND their parents.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by AWorriedFather 
Oclaf, and MissUS
In the last three days he has attacked me, called us two pieces of sht, and has threatened to jump off a bridge because we won't "save" him. ... If he would have jumped, I would never forgive myself.
He's safe for now. That's all I know.
In the last three days he has attacked me, called us two pieces of sht, and has threatened to jump off a bridge because we won't "save" him. ... If he would have jumped, I would never forgive myself.
He's safe for now. That's all I know.
This is an adult. Young yes, but old enough to go to war, buy alcohol, go to adult prison, sign a mortgage. Vote. Just like you.
The law will not remove these rights. He must choose to navigate life within the rights he has been given. He is young yet. Thank you for not getting in the way of his natural consequences. It is heroic.
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PiperPene,
Thanks for asking. It's going ok but not perfect.
My son has zero foresight. We was prescribed 10 days worth of meds but had 14 days to wait for his doctors appointment. Guess how many days it took for him to realize he would run out. Yes, 10 days. He didn't speak up about running out until he took his last pill. Also, he waited to call to confirm his doctors appointment, which he didn't remember the time. They told him his appointment was at 9am. He was 10 minutes late. And, he is late with filing h is state taxes. And the list goes on.
Furthermore, I don't believe he is a believer in Step 1. His house forced him to work on Step 1. He was pissed when after reluctantly doing it he wasn't rewarded.
I dont' know. At least he's safe.
Thanks for asking. It's going ok but not perfect.
My son has zero foresight. We was prescribed 10 days worth of meds but had 14 days to wait for his doctors appointment. Guess how many days it took for him to realize he would run out. Yes, 10 days. He didn't speak up about running out until he took his last pill. Also, he waited to call to confirm his doctors appointment, which he didn't remember the time. They told him his appointment was at 9am. He was 10 minutes late. And, he is late with filing h is state taxes. And the list goes on.
Furthermore, I don't believe he is a believer in Step 1. His house forced him to work on Step 1. He was pissed when after reluctantly doing it he wasn't rewarded.
I dont' know. At least he's safe.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Remember number one thing: He is 20! He has probably NEVER dealt with any deadlines or real life stuff without you and your wife helping. My 20 year old is the EXACT same way. Clueless on financing his education and rental stuff. What my 20 year old CAN do is follow his plan for school. As long as your son is sober, and not using, I am hopeful for you son. BTW, my 25 year old is still working on step 1.
Making baby steps progress, but still.....
Will your son be okay without medication? not sure if its subs or other stuff?
Hang in their AWF. You are okay.
Hugs,
TT
Making baby steps progress, but still.....
Will your son be okay without medication? not sure if its subs or other stuff?
Hang in their AWF. You are okay.
Hugs,
TT
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