Refiner

He's played you for a lifetime and he's still doing so. Why do you keep paying everything for him? And $100/week for food? That's more than I spend on food for myself and I make a hefty salary. I don't get it.

alterity

Sounds just like my brother who has been this way since he turned 18. He's now 26 and my father has spent $200,000 in total on him. Unsustainable.

Needabreak

Wish my parents had doted on me like this....I was on my own when I was 21. They made it clear that they had paid for bringing me up, paid for an expensive college, etc., and that I was on my own after I graduated.

They have plenty of money, but after raising 2 kids, were ready to spend it on themselves and their retirement.

Are you sure you're not using money as a means to control? That usually backfires...... It's natural for people, especially young people, to not appreciate you or take you seriously if you give them too much, too easily.

hopeful4

He knows no value of a buck because you shell out yours instead of forcing him to face consequences and pay his way. I would make him return the stereo and vape crap, or if he cannot sell it. Then I would make him pay YOU the money back. He did not remove money, he STOLE it. Taking money that is not yours is stealing.

Ilovemysonjj

Ditto. He is manipulating the situation to get what he wants and no consequences. I know you may fear that he would relapse if you weren't "there" for him. That is still outside of the actions he just took. I would think he could return both the stereo and the vape or put them on E-bay.

Refiner

Nah... just think of what a competent, accountable, economically-minded person you are bc of it. Those that don't have to work for it usually end up as... well... you see the results with this kid so far!

Refiner

What the heck is a VAPE anyway??

MyJoey

AWF, my son is 23 and if you look back at my old post it started when he was 17 with weed, I have spent years fixing my son, it hasn't worked. Sadly I will most likely still be trying to pull strings to get him to his 5 Rehab VS jail. This is a heck of a long road. Just my 2 cent, let him deal with the law, don't get a lawyer until it turns criminal. He can talk to the DA him self and get the same deal that a lawyer will get him. Been there done that, save your money. I have made every mistake there is to make.....my son was going to be the exception, now he's a heroin addict. He is never, even in his heavy using verbally disrespectful which makes it even harder for me. However he has ripped us blind, stolen our jewley some pieces that were handed down from gr gr grandparents, I can't even put a dollar amount on the money, but this last stunt was over $18,000.00 dollars by taking our company checks and cashing them.....My son was left a trust fund (from grandparents) that we control so we will get the money back but he would have taken it anyway. Protect yourself and I can not express that enough. I wouldn't get my hopes up on the college playing out. My son would get cleaned up for months last one was 8 months and we would be so caught off guard when he started using again it was like starting from scratch each time. They KNOW what they are doing is wrong but don't care it's all about them. Please get over the I wasn't a good parent stuff, it doesn't matter. We were good parents as a matter a fact we were awesome parents it don't matter. He will play you over and over, every time you think you got this, he will be 10 steps ahead of you. When I look back on the early rehabs, he played us even then he said the right things, did the right things and when he got out it would last a little.....till it got out of control again which never took long. Put on your seat belt cause your in for a long ride. It's easy for me and everyone else to tell you what you should do but doing it ..... That one is hard.

INgal

Hi AWF, I totally get where you're coming from. Our sons are inconsiderate. You are in a good place to stop it all now instead of being where I am with my 25 y.o.
I paid for many things while my son was in college. I thought it was paving the way to adulthood and getting his degree. I knew it was wrong because my son didn't desire the big picture: house, family, career. He wanted good grades, but he also wanted to do what HE wanted to do., which was have as much fun as possible. Money in his hands went towards everything else...nothing to us or school. So so stupid.
I wish I had called his bluff back then. My guess is he would have imploded sooner but at least we would have more cash in our pockets now, and I may have detached earlier.
I think it would be fair to sell the stereo and the vape stuff. Then, make a budget of what he needs to pay for. My son is paying his own legal fees and anything related to his DUI. I'm hopeful this is the final time I ever have to deal with this. I'm done with second chances.

AWorriedFather

Thanks SR for the advise.

We drove 2 hours to visit our son in person, to highlight how much his secrecy spending and manipulation has negatively impacted us. He traded his integrity for a car stereo system, and his empathy sucks. What's next then, drugs? We discussed it. He needs to roll up his arm sleeves and grow up,

As a parent I will hold myself responsible for paying for his college education as long as he is wanting and capable. I'm not sure that he is capable. I will find out this Fall.

I told him that he will be living in the sober living house as long as I am paying for his college. He made this decision easy for me. His other options are military or join the work force. If he chooses illegal activities, the law will catch up with him and I can't help him.

He really doesn't get it. I mean, he REALLY doesn't get it. I'm starting to think it's was his thinking that led to drugs, not vise versa. I have a drug free son that is still acting like a 12 year old. He still doesn't have a spine.

GardenMama

AWF, we can't possibly understand your limits or your situation with your son. All we can do is offer our experience, strength, and hope. You know, as I have known, when I am being "played" by my addict child and when it is "for real." I have learned that it is safest to rely on actions and not words or promises, including my own.

Forget college for the moment, and perhaps even forget sobriety--it is all his to figure out. You are done parenting him. You, and I, have given our children all the knowledge, love, and good example that we could give them. Money means nothing at this point. It was only when I truly backed off and backed out of my daughter's addict/recovery life that she truly began taking responsibility for her problems and her addiction. It is the hardest part of what we have to do--let go of their problems. "We love you dearly, son, but you are going to have to figure out how to...(fill in the blank)."

It has been a hard year for all of us, but she is thriving, and I am experiencing hope and peace for the first time in many years. I send you strength & courage for the same.

FeelingGreat

Hi worried, this sort of financial manipulation is fairly common at his age. I went through it, so did the parents of my nephews (the girls seemed to get it). It's infuriating in the true meaning of the word, but I'm not sure it's exclusive to drug users. My son and nephews all turned out great BTW.

You seem to have hit the nail on the head about maturity. Most male brains don't reach maturity until 25, and I've seen that played out in real life. Your son's drug use will probably prolong the process.
You've made your feelings plain to your son, you've decided on what you'll pay for and what you won't, and that may involve some modification because of this incident. You're probably going to have to let it go.

AWorriedFather

Needabreak,
So I'm trying to do the same . My parents supported me through school as well. The difference is, my son f'd up last Spring and I haven't thrown in the towel. I will continue to attempt to support him through college as long as he is willing and able, and sober. The sober living house is a new cost, a requirement of me, but the cost of sober living is really not much more than the grand cost of school. He has already taken out loans, as much as uncle sam allows, and then uncle sam expects me to pay the rest because of my income.

AWorriedFather

A quandary, isn't it? Drug related or adolescence? Intentional or unintentional? It effects how I should trust and respond, but the world will never know.

PiperPene

AWF, it is a quandary and one that only you and your wife can deal with for your family. We cross that same bridge with our son because we feel that he should get the same educational opportunity as his siblings. He is headed back to college in the fall, one that is closer to home and he will be commuting. He has made some great strides and is clean. Is he perfect? Not even close. Does he say and do immature things sometimes? Absolutely. But he is in a much better place than he was 5 months ago. At 20, he is still an adolescent but he is recovering and maturing.

Refiner

AWF what kind of repayment have you demanded from your son? Does he still have use of the car? Does he still get $100 a week in his pocket for "food"?

INgal

AWF, you are SO right. I do think it's the immaturity...something is just "off". They just don't get it. I kept thinking that my son is a child in a man's body. But honestly, there are 10 y.o.'s with more sense!
Regardless, we are all stuck and it will only end when they take control.
I did pay for college for my son. It took 2 extra years but he graduated with honors. However, his behavior since that time may cause him to lose job offers. A degree (unless it's a very in-demand one) is not a golden ticket. I also don't think my son appreciated his education ( at least not until all the latest trouble).

Ironically, I am depressed and lament all the bad decisions he's made, yet he is upbeat and forward-looking. I guess that is a blessing in disguise.

Wishing you lots of luck and patience.

Ilovemysonjj

I think at 20, our male children have years ahead of them being independent. My 18 year old daughter has TWO jobs, is paying for her phone bill, is independent in terms of buying what she wants with her own money and sticks to her word. My 20 year old still needs hand holding on financial issues, however he is a straight A student. He doesn't appreciate what the sacrifices of sending him to a 4 year university. I think the last few months he finally sees how this is straining our finances. I only give him 300 per month for food. We pay for his apartment which is shared with 5 other guys and that is it. I told him to start picking up the food allowance during the summer since he is still away or pack it in and come home.

AWorriedFather

The @#$% Car: Our agreement is that I'm not paying or loaning one single dime directly towards his car. I would rather pay outright for his bus fees. This required him to find a job, and he did. He found a great job in fact. He is working as an intern near his home and school that directly matches his field of study, and that works around his school schedule when that time comes. And he enjoys his job! We are happy and proud about acquiring this job. It is way more than we ever expected.

Repayment: He has no money. His job pays roughly $400 per month during the summer, and will be reduced during the school year. Most of his job money will be applied to his car, -two new tires already purchased (two more needed), muffler, new head gasket, and new a/c clutch bearing, etc. Plus he pays for his insurance. Plus the car needs an inspection soon. etc. etc.

The $100 per week allowance will be reduced to something less, likely $50 to $75. We will reestablish this amount by Sunday night. His allowance must cover all expenses aside from the cell phone and rent (rent covers utilities). We have access to his checking account to ensure he spends our money wisely (this is how we discovered he was taking in other money and spending unwisely.)

I'm mot sure what else I can do. And again, I am not yet throwing in the towel with paying for his college. This plan supports him going to school which we all want.

GardenMama

You are doing the best you can do, and it seems pretty clear that you are doing a great job with boundaries, communication, and consistency. AWF, you don't owe anyone here an explanation of how or why you are doing what you are doing, or the money you are giving or spending. We are not here to second guess you or question your decisions. We have been in your shoes, and many of us still are. We are here to support and sustain each other through this rough journey. None of us knows where it will end, or how it will end, but we do know where we can find support and understanding.