PiperPene

AWF, it is good to have a plan in place in case of a break-up. It won't be the worst thing in the world but he might not see it that way. I totally relate to the immediate gratification. Sign of the times and totally stunts their need to have ambition and goals. Smoking pot didn't help that either for my son!

Good luck this weekend. Keep posting with his progress.

AWorriedFather

I am wondering what my son and I will talk about during our 14 hr ride home. Having this oppertunity for a long talk is part of my reason for driving the long distance and picking him up.

I don't want to lecture or just tell him what to do. Like people say here, something I believe, is that he needs to decide for himself to do right. I was thinking about sharing some of the stories that have been shared on this site. Also, hopefully, I will be doing a lot of listening to him expressing his flooding sober emotions. I need to be careful of the "I want" statements and convert them to rational business deals.

Jaeger

AWF,
I want to caution you to not put a lot of stock into what he says. I was over the moon excited to hear the words coming out of my sons mouth when he was in early recovery. I thought "Wow! He's got this!" Sadly, actions have proven different. Actions speak much louder than words. I knew all this in my head but my heart didn't want to listen.

chicory

Father, maybe he will want to talk,,if he does, you can just listen. that means a lot sometimes... just being heard.

If not, then perhaps talk about anything besides his recovery- it might be nice just to have a break from the worry about what to say..I know that you know its up to him, to continue in recovery.

I know that I sometimes still try to 'fix' things with just the right words.

words said tomorrow won't keep him in recovery, but what is said or not, can make it more comfortable for future communications, if he knows he can share, or choose not to.

best wishes.

Twofour

I agree with that. My son the first time out of rehab and in early recovery days. Said to me after few days. Can we please just talk about anything other than the fact I'm a drug addict. Told me all I do is cook at his eyes ask about meetings ask about how he's feeling and who he was talking too. All true and all didn't matter because within 20 days he was back using. But I heard him and realized I was working him and not my program. I realized I knew nothing about this disease and started going to meetings and living on this website. After that comment I did try and not always focus on it. Try to laugh and have some type of family times Hard to do when you first have knowledge that this isn't the young man you once knew. So I agree that that is a long time in the car. I do know I wish we talked about other things more or that i just listened. Really listened. I always was waiting for my turn to say what I thought he needed to hear. Not even what I may have wanted to really say. If that makes any sense. Good luck

chicory

Boy, do I relate....its hard to let go, and let his HP take the wheel.

PiperPene

Chicory and Twofour, such great advice about being a good listener and trying to keep the door open for them to want to share. And not always focusing on their addiction. Thanks.

FeelingGreat

Driving is a great time to talk because you don't have to keep up eye contact. If you can possibly do it, once he starts talking do not interrupt. Don't be afraid of silence. You can reflect back what he says to get him to elaborate:
Him: The counsellor didn't have a clue what I was thinking!

You: So you two didn't connect?

Him: well she said......but she didn't realise......(and so on).

Anything that comes over as lecturing will close him down right away.

Mad4Chaos

Communication is a two way street. He's most likely freaking out because he realizes you're gonna want to really talk. As I said before, it sounds like our sons mirror each other quite a bit. My son hated, really hated to talk about what he felt & his motivations. For the most part when we talked about his addiction, once we got past his prepared answers the conversation broke down. When I asked for elaborations, he would get extremely defensive. Over the years as I became aware of his skill as a master manipulator, he just stopped talking to me about his addiction. He realized he would always contradict himself when he told me what he thought I wanted to hear. Son: "I don't do that anymore, I'll never do it again! I promise! Why won't you trust me? I don't want your help, I can do this on my own! You stress me out & make me want to use!" 1 month later, Me: "You swore to me you wouldn't do this, please let me help you..." etc.

I feel bad because I'm not very encouraging, but the past 6 years have left me very jaded. I truly feel for you. Your situation feels like mine far more than any other I've read. Reading your posts, about the father you are & how your son behaves, I feel like I'm looking back in time. You = me & your son = my son. You love your son & are desperate to fix this now & your son is just as desperate to avoid dealing with it. In my own book, it would be early so we'll call it chapter 2 & I know how it ends. Frustration & denial. I hope with all my heart you & your son connect & you get through to him on this trip. Good, great, incredible, awesome luck to you! : )

refuser

AWF,
It sounds like your son went to a good rehab, in that you and they really planned a good exit strategy. Good luck on your 14 hour drive. Try to listen more than talking. If he's anything like my son, he will talk your ear off. Maybe he just wanted to visit his gf just because he misses her and thought if he asked you, you'd say no.

GardenMama

I agree with everyone here. Listen. Be open and honest. Acknowledge how you are proud of the work he's done so far. Talk about ordinary things. Be okay with silence. (That's been my hardest challenge.) Listen to music you both like (or music you can tolerate listening to.) Find some interesting podcasts. He's heard and talked so much about addiction these past few weeks, he may enjoy any other subject immensely!

I hope the trip is uneventful and calming for both of you. Keep us posted!

hope213

my sons history tell me i would not put him back in college. he needs to prove himself. i am sorry to tell you this but most addicts repent & repeat before they get better. it is a long hard road. i wish u well with this. u will never b alone if u stay with us.

Ileana

Hi Worried Dad
Another post that will start out with...in a similar situation here..." Didn't realize there were so many of us did you?
In a similar situation here, daughter got her 2nd DUI while doing her masters degree (1st was at age 17). She is big into Xanax (any of the Benzo's actually). FYI: Xanax/alcohol combo is deadly, they are two central nervous system drugs when put together have the potential for respiratory arrest. Be careful That said

Be very careful about putting your son back into his "drug environment". Addicts have something called PAWS (Post Addictive Withdrawal Syndrome) something ignites the brain and the craving for the drug (alcohol included in drug) and it takes a strong individual to get past that craving. It can be a smell, a sound, or a place. Now of course that can happen at home too but going back to his drug environment will most certainly illicit a response because most of his college friends are probably also doing drugs but haven't yet been caught. As much as we hated two our daughter withdrew from her master's degree and never went back.

So I take it you haven't gotten to the court/law side of his DUI yet? Depending on when his court date is, that may be the deciding factor for your family. Good luck to you and your family.

Ileana

Doctors say that emotional growth stops as soon as the first drug or drink is taken. So if your son's first drink or drug was at age 12, then physically you may have an adult but emotionally you have a pre-teen. We found this theory to be very true. Our daughter first used at age 14 and when she got sober we were subjected to the teens years again (from a woman who had graduated summa cul laude and was in a master's program). They need to work through the emotional maturity and that takes MAJOR patience on a parent part because lets face it we've already gone through that stage with that child already.

Yes, he's our oldest. And yes, immediate gratification. No investment. No hard work. Looking back, he broke so many premisses getting what he wanted immediately. He acts like a 12 year old. Truly emotionally stunted. I've never really recognized this before.

AWorriedFather

Long drive. I listened to 8 hours of The FIVE dysfunctions of a Team along the way.

I will be attending an informational meeting tomorrow morning at the recovery center.

Thanks everyone for the advise and warnings. It certainly helped me today. My Son called me today and explained that he "coined out" today, and he was claimed to be one of the brightest to come through, and is the only in the group that didn't do heroin, and wants to live in the half way house only for two weeks, and wants two days off before he signs up for it.

chicory

AWF,

Please, don't forget to take care of yourself today. Its up to your son to chose his path. He has been given a tool box, and he must learn to use those tools. You don't know whats in that tool box, so try to relax and let go of worry for a bit. Worry doesn't help anything,,, just messes with our heads!

I am not sure what coined out means, but I hope its good! I hope he finds each day brings him more insight on what he needs. Maybe he will like the halfway house and might stay longer, if he feels good about the independence it offers. He is still young!

The Serenity Prayer is priceless in times like these, I have found. Prayers for all good things for all of you.
chicory

INgal

My son always says "everyone says they don't know why I'm in here since I'm not on heroin and I have a college degree" (I'm paraphrasing). My point is that that kind of thinking lulls them into a false sense of superiority and they don't see the need to commit or work hard to achieve sobriety. They are just as in need of help as the "hard drugs" people, maybe even more. Good luck and I hope he has a great learning experience.

Mountainmanbob

Keep him home for a while.

Mountainman

Twofour

My son called from his second rehab and said. "mom there are so many people worse than me. Can't I come home and do my iop?. This age is arrogant I need to say. No. We tried it here and it didn't work. I am a firm believer of the definition of insanity. Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome........can't be the right choice. My son too not on heroin .......yet........but taking percocets. It's expensive sister. Only a matter of time if he doesn't choose to stay sober. I can't paint his path. I know this but I pray for him too stick with program. For me I need health and wisdom and understanding of disease and I am learning. It helps. This site helps. Keep coming back.

Twofour

So very true. My sons counselor called and said. Your son is so smart. Polished. Educated. I said. No ****. Does that matter ?? Really it doesn't if he hasn't said. . I am powerless over this addiction. Then. He is right where he started. I hate this disease.