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Old 01-20-2012, 07:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Need Help about Girlfriend in Detox/Rehab

My girlfriend/fiance of 8 months checked herself into a rehab 2 days ago. This is the first time in our relationship we have not at least talked during the course of a day, normally we are together most everyday. Were best friends. She has been addicted to percocet for the better part of 4 years. Her addiction has been a secret to family and friends, not anymore. She made the choice to get well for herself. Im proud of her, shes a very strong person. At first i was jealous and very fearful of losing her. I truly understand now thats its about her well being and its about her life. She also stated its for us as well so we could have a future together. She started using to numb pain from being raped years ago. I need to point out I too am an alcoholic. I binge drink for days but not everyday. Ill drink at night to numb out and pass out to forget. I too keep it a well guarded secret. Either way Im an alcoholic. She is bi-polar and I have major depression and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have not heard from her since she was picked up from the airport to go to the rehab. Im starting to feel that maybe the rehab does not want her to contact me. I feel we are very codependent and that I have enabled her. We are very much in love and plan to marry someday. All I want is for her to be well and I'm proud of her and I'd only like to be there to support her and love her, not get in the way. Were everything to each other and I'm heart broken without her but I realize this is about her and its about her life. I made a promise to her that I would continue with my therapy while she is gone and Id like to pursue out patient treatment for my alcoholism. I cant do it anymore, I want to live and be healthy and happy. But I have a professional job and I'm at a point where I'm moving up to bigger and better things in my career. I feel I could ruin my career by entering a rehab myself. I don't know where to turn for answers and I need an outlet since my girlfriend was the person I turned to for help and of course my therapist. I'm so scared she might not want to be with me anymore when she is better and comes home. But at the same time i know she needs to do whats best for her. And i truly want to get help for my drinking also. I want to help myself. But Im scared of that and that people will know my secret of my drinking. I just need some help, some guidance. Thanks!!!!
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hey mcbb, welcome to SR! I'm glad that you found us.

You are right. Her entering rehab is about her and her life.

My concern is you, your alcoholism, and codependency.

At best, rehab will give you the tools to stay sober, and it's up to you to use those tools after rehab. For me, AA gives me those same tools and helps me keep them sharp, as well as being my primary source of support for alcoholism.

I am both a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict and a recovering codependent.

My personal experience was I needed to address the alcoholism/addictions first, then deal with the codependency later.

Because I refused to address my codependency for well over a decade after rehab, I continued to seek out toxic relationships.

I finally hit my codependent bottom when my dry-drunk fiance walked out on me. My poor choices were not only causing me pain, but also my kids and grandkids. My eyes were open.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.
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Old 01-20-2012, 08:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks for your reply and welcome. I know its the wrong thing but I just want to hear from her and talk to her about these things. But I also realize it most likely hurt her recovery. Im very confused and scared. I fear our relationship will be over in quick time.But Im also a negative person. Does anyone have any experience as to the process of detox/rehab?
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Mcbb

Welcome

I'm an alcoholic too, although I have no experience of rehab or detox.

Like Freedom said, I'd leave your gf to her own journey for now.

You'll find a lot of support here tho

I recommend you ask over at either the Newcomers board or the Alcoholism board as well about your own concerns for recovery - you'll get a lot of experience over there:

Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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Old 01-20-2012, 09:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I think your loneliness for her and your anxiety about the intense changes now occurring are normal. The right thing is to allow her to be treated for her disease and for you to seek treatment for your disease, and your treatment paths be parallel, not intertwined.

If you are true soulmates, when you are both standing healthy and whole,
your higher power will support your reunion and future together.

If you go to 90 in 90, maybe you won't feel so lonely.

I wish you both the courage to seek long term treatment for addiction and depressive illness, to find fellowship (because you are both worth it), and to be relieved of your fears (work with a sponsor might be a big help there).

It's a wonderful new start happening right now for your loved one. I hope the very same happens for you.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Dear MCBB, this is a completely normal reaction you are having about wanting to hear from her and feeling left out. My son has been in an inpatient rehab for the last 77 days. We rarely hear from him. What I do know is that he is focusing on HIS recovery and working HIS program. You will learn so much about how your codependency on her has affected both of your struggles with sobriety. I have learned that I MUST let him go so that he can achieve his goals. I cannot do this for him. You need to let her experience her core feelings and emotions and be able to support her even if you don't know what she is doing. Trust in the Higher Power (God) to watch over her. This is a hard thing to do, but is the process of recovery.
Hugs and support,
Teresa
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Old 01-22-2012, 04:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. Its what she needs to do and I'll be there when she gets back, its just a huge change losing my girl... my best friend so quickly. I need to work on myself, its time.
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Old 01-22-2012, 04:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm sure this is terribly difficult for both of you. Why not use this time as a time to work on yourself? How about going to AA or if that's too difficult a step right now, how about reading everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism? The very best relationship for both of you is both of you standing as whole, recovered people. I bit the bullet and walked into NA about 6 weeks ago. I could have also gone to AA, as I am an A also, but NA seemed more like home for me.

You will find kind, wise, accepting people there. It is anonymous, remember. Anyone who is there is there for the same reason you are. Please, take a leap of faith and work on yourself. You ( and your relationship) are worth it!
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Old 01-22-2012, 04:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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keltie, Thanks. I found an AA meeting I can attend Monday after work. I really plan on going but I'm afraid I'll chicken out and I'm ashamed to tell my family where I'm going even though they know off my alcoholism. They thinks its in the past, they dont know Im still drinking. I'm ready but scared, I know I have a problem, I want to get better. I need to just go and do it.
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Old 01-22-2012, 09:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh, I see. Don't worry, many of us (myself included!) have been there. With our addiction, it's never really in the past...if we forget to nourish ourselves, we may find ourselves right back where we initially were. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but you need to worry more about YOU and less about what your family thinks. I completely understand the secrecy- right now i am keeping a secret from my sponsor and not being honest. I will have to deal with that, and i will.

Anyhow, you could just tell your family that you are going because you need the support. You don't just go to AA/NA when you're actively using- you go because the fellowship strengthens you and upholds you in your resolve to live a new life. Perhaps they will understand that. Best of luck to you! Please keep posting.
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Old 01-27-2012, 07:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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So this past Monday I checked in to an intensive outpatient program that's 3 nights a week for my Alcoholism and depression. I'll be there a few months. Im on new meds, one is Campral, the other is Trileptal... so far so good havent drank since Jan. 20th., the last time I posted here. Im feeling alright and optimistic. Im liking the program also. The support and the people. Thanks everyone for the help and support.

Also, i heard from my girlfriend in rehab twice for like 2 mins. each time and supervised. And were exchanging letters also. Today she called and it was a great 2 minute talk. But a few hours later she called back, I couldn't pick up as I was with my boss at work. She left a message and was kind of crying saying she felt ****** that I did not say I loved her back after she said she loved me. But I remember telling her I loved her before we said goodbye. And I cant communicate with her until Monday at least. And she said but shes going to "try and have a better day" and she wants me too also.. I dont get it? Maybe shes upset because I told her I'm getting help also?? We've never been apart and its so hard with so little communication
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Old 01-28-2012, 06:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Today she called and it was a great 2 minute talk. But a few hours later she called back, I couldn't pick up as I was with my boss at work. She left a message and was kind of crying saying she felt ****** that I did not say I loved her back after she said she loved me. But I remember telling her I loved her before we said goodbye. And I cant communicate with her until Monday at least. And she said but shes going to "try and have a better day" and she wants me too also.. I dont get it? Maybe shes upset because I told her I'm getting help also?? We've never been apart and its so hard with so little communication
Oh for crying out loud...

She sounds a tad needy. Is she normally ( whatever that is given she's been addicted to opiates for 4 years) this needy? She's in the right place to learn how to cope with the usual ups and downs of life without using drugs.

Continue to focus on your own growth and recovery. That's the only thing you control.
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Old 01-28-2012, 06:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Sounds like she's just emotional probably from detoxing I wouldnt worry to much about it as she's probably crying about something else by now. The best thing you can do for her it this point is get yourself healthy. I got more out of IOP then I ever got out of the 2 rehabs I went to. Throw yourself into it all this other stuff will fall in place.
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Old 01-28-2012, 04:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Oh for crying out loud...

She sounds a tad needy. Is she normally ( whatever that is given she's been addicted to opiates for 4 years) this needy? She's in the right place to learn how to cope with the usual ups and downs of life without using drugs.

Continue to focus on your own growth and recovery. That's the only thing you control.
Yeah, she can be needy at times. Especially if she wasnt using or maybe not taking her meds everyday. And youre right I just hope she is focusing on learn coping skills without drugs. I talked to her Dad and it sounds like she is really emotional from missing her family and me. It worries me that she wont fully work the program, her rehab to really get what she needs from it.
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Old 01-28-2012, 04:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks everybody. You're right in that all i can do is work on getting myself better right now. It just sucks that I'm in the dark about so many things with her right now.

And tbeit, the IOP program I'm at has been really great so far. Lots of support from others. And I guess mainly because I want to work to get well. Thanks
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