Devastated
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too am so very sorry for your loss. Sadly, the disease steals our loved ones away and we are powerless to help them...whether they stay or go in our lives.
If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. For any alcoholic or drug addict, the possibility of overdose or death from the addiction looms every single day, like Russian Roulette, and we never know who or when or even why. It's just the sad truth of how brutal the disease is.
Please know you are among friends who understand your pain, here. We all care and share your pain.
Hugs
If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. For any alcoholic or drug addict, the possibility of overdose or death from the addiction looms every single day, like Russian Roulette, and we never know who or when or even why. It's just the sad truth of how brutal the disease is.
Please know you are among friends who understand your pain, here. We all care and share your pain.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Welcome HBguy. I'm so glad you posted. Also glad you are looking into face to face support.
Unfortunately we hear of deaths from this disease on a semi regular basis here on Soberrecovery. It is indeed heartbreaking.
My favorite read for grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a quick, easy comforting read. Also you might look into a grief support group.
Having something this horrible happen can trigger some acute depression that can be pretty disabling and cause insomnia. If this is going on, work with a therapist and consider a short course of anti-depressants. You might not want to take them but it would be better than drinking.
Stick close and let us know how you are doing.
Unfortunately we hear of deaths from this disease on a semi regular basis here on Soberrecovery. It is indeed heartbreaking.
My favorite read for grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a quick, easy comforting read. Also you might look into a grief support group.
Having something this horrible happen can trigger some acute depression that can be pretty disabling and cause insomnia. If this is going on, work with a therapist and consider a short course of anti-depressants. You might not want to take them but it would be better than drinking.
Stick close and let us know how you are doing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am so sorry for your loss. 
I lost a BIL and a nephew to alcohol, both young at aged 36 and 48. It is such a tragic waste of life we all had to watch from the sielines as nothing helped. My exah has had 3 near misses with death. (((massive hugs to you )))
I lost a BIL and a nephew to alcohol, both young at aged 36 and 48. It is such a tragic waste of life we all had to watch from the sielines as nothing helped. My exah has had 3 near misses with death. (((massive hugs to you )))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Hi all
Thank you for your love and support.
The session with the counselor went better than expected. Maybe I've discussed the details enough now to no longer get choked up talking about the events and my feelings.
It was comforting to hear that I needed to be kind to myself and that I had done the best I could and done what I thought was right for each situation.
Thank you for your love and support.
The session with the counselor went better than expected. Maybe I've discussed the details enough now to no longer get choked up talking about the events and my feelings.
It was comforting to hear that I needed to be kind to myself and that I had done the best I could and done what I thought was right for each situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Heartbrokenguy,
I am so sorry for your loss. That is, I am sure the biggest fear for every enabler on this forum, of getting that news. It breaks my heart.
I am sending you strength and support, that you will be ok. I'm sorry, my friend.
I am so sorry for your loss. That is, I am sure the biggest fear for every enabler on this forum, of getting that news. It breaks my heart.
I am sending you strength and support, that you will be ok. I'm sorry, my friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Part of my grief has been over what I would consider a pretty rapid descent into death.
My fiancé and I were together for about 2.5 years. We knew each other for 10 before dating.
I nor any of our friends would have considered her more than an average drinker.
During the 10 years of our friendship, there were extended periods of "radio silence". At the time I chalked it up to no more than busy lives. I was busy getting divorced. She was busy being a single mom.
About 3 years ago we started talking more frequently and I felt like we had much in common.
During this time she was actually living in another state and didn't tell me. She ended up moving back to the state I was in and we dated for a few months before moving in together.
After she and her daughter moved in and we had all begun our new life as a family, I got the feeling that something was a little odd. She was regularly sick on weekends and always wanted to go for drives to listen to music and think.
I figured she just needed some personal space since the setting was new for everyone. She never appeared or at least my "new love" glasses never saw her as intoxicated. I just thought she was a naturally funny and fun loving person.
Fast forward about a year and a half in our relationship and she is hospitalized and diagnosed with cirrhosis. I was in complete shock and denial and defended her when she said she wasn't a "significant drinker". I knew very little bout alcoholism at that point. A friend of mine had developed cirrhosis after many, many years of hard drinking which was my only experience with the disease. I didn't even know it was a disease at that point. (As a side note, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis 5 years ago and continues to drink and has not had even 1/10 of the complications my fiancé had.)
Over the next year, we were in and out of the hospital 6-7 times including a stay where she nearly lost her life. She almost died last Halloween after a 5 day bender because she had a blockage of her main artery in her liver. Doctors gave her a 20% chance to live. She ended up making a full recovery and we were able to take an amazing family vacation to NYC for Thanksgiving.
For approximately the next 100 days she remained sober, albeit not working the program but that was enough for me.
In February she relapsed and again in March. I told her in March that I couldn't live with an active alcoholic anymore and if she were to relapse again then I would have to ask her to leave.
That brings me to now where she has passed away after only being diagnosed with cirrhosis a little over a year ago. It is hard for me to take because I was naive and dumb and really expected her to have more time and chances.
At the end of the day, each time she chose to drink she took her life for granted.
My fiancé was a kind and giving person. She just has a number of internal demons she was unwilling to address and now she's left us here to pick up the pieces without her.
My fiancé and I were together for about 2.5 years. We knew each other for 10 before dating.
I nor any of our friends would have considered her more than an average drinker.
During the 10 years of our friendship, there were extended periods of "radio silence". At the time I chalked it up to no more than busy lives. I was busy getting divorced. She was busy being a single mom.
About 3 years ago we started talking more frequently and I felt like we had much in common.
During this time she was actually living in another state and didn't tell me. She ended up moving back to the state I was in and we dated for a few months before moving in together.
After she and her daughter moved in and we had all begun our new life as a family, I got the feeling that something was a little odd. She was regularly sick on weekends and always wanted to go for drives to listen to music and think.
I figured she just needed some personal space since the setting was new for everyone. She never appeared or at least my "new love" glasses never saw her as intoxicated. I just thought she was a naturally funny and fun loving person.
Fast forward about a year and a half in our relationship and she is hospitalized and diagnosed with cirrhosis. I was in complete shock and denial and defended her when she said she wasn't a "significant drinker". I knew very little bout alcoholism at that point. A friend of mine had developed cirrhosis after many, many years of hard drinking which was my only experience with the disease. I didn't even know it was a disease at that point. (As a side note, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis 5 years ago and continues to drink and has not had even 1/10 of the complications my fiancé had.)
Over the next year, we were in and out of the hospital 6-7 times including a stay where she nearly lost her life. She almost died last Halloween after a 5 day bender because she had a blockage of her main artery in her liver. Doctors gave her a 20% chance to live. She ended up making a full recovery and we were able to take an amazing family vacation to NYC for Thanksgiving.
For approximately the next 100 days she remained sober, albeit not working the program but that was enough for me.
In February she relapsed and again in March. I told her in March that I couldn't live with an active alcoholic anymore and if she were to relapse again then I would have to ask her to leave.
That brings me to now where she has passed away after only being diagnosed with cirrhosis a little over a year ago. It is hard for me to take because I was naive and dumb and really expected her to have more time and chances.
At the end of the day, each time she chose to drink she took her life for granted.
My fiancé was a kind and giving person. She just has a number of internal demons she was unwilling to address and now she's left us here to pick up the pieces without her.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, man,
I have been where you were, with the literally at-death's-door liver/kidney failure. After nearly dying, being told he would CERTAINLY need a liver transplant--IF he lived that long, my second husband finally learned he had EARLY cirrhosis and would be fine IF he never drank again.
He went back to drinking and I could not bear to endure another deathbed vigil.
Here's the weird part--that was almost 20 years ago, and he's still drinking, and somehow still alive. I didn't think he would last another year, much less this long.
I left him because the situation was killing ME, slowly but surely. I still loved him, and to this day I care for him, though I haven't spoken to him in many years.
There is simply no telling with something like this. One person's constitution allows them to continue to live (although, no doubt, suffering greatly), while another goes very quickly. I suppose it's good that her suffering didn't last longer, but how sad for you and her children and all who loved her. And what a waste of a beautiful life.
I'm really sorry--I think talking about it does help. You will never make sense of it, but you can find peace knowing that you did your best. I'm sure she didn't "choose" this. Some people are simply unable to find their way back.
I have been where you were, with the literally at-death's-door liver/kidney failure. After nearly dying, being told he would CERTAINLY need a liver transplant--IF he lived that long, my second husband finally learned he had EARLY cirrhosis and would be fine IF he never drank again.
He went back to drinking and I could not bear to endure another deathbed vigil.
Here's the weird part--that was almost 20 years ago, and he's still drinking, and somehow still alive. I didn't think he would last another year, much less this long.
I left him because the situation was killing ME, slowly but surely. I still loved him, and to this day I care for him, though I haven't spoken to him in many years.
There is simply no telling with something like this. One person's constitution allows them to continue to live (although, no doubt, suffering greatly), while another goes very quickly. I suppose it's good that her suffering didn't last longer, but how sad for you and her children and all who loved her. And what a waste of a beautiful life.
I'm really sorry--I think talking about it does help. You will never make sense of it, but you can find peace knowing that you did your best. I'm sure she didn't "choose" this. Some people are simply unable to find their way back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear HeartBrokenGuy
Please don't beat yourself up any more.
Your role in your finance's life was, simply: love. Just love.
You will go through the rest of the grieving process, which began a long time before she died. This will happen in its own time.
We are here for you. Thanks for reaching out.
Please don't beat yourself up any more.
Your role in your finance's life was, simply: love. Just love.
You will go through the rest of the grieving process, which began a long time before she died. This will happen in its own time.
We are here for you. Thanks for reaching out.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I am sorry for your pain.
My former partner died about 15 months after I had left him. Although it was a shock, it wasn't really a surprise; my worst fear for him had come to pass. I did feel some guilt but knew it wasn't rational because I knew I had done all I could and left because I needed to save myself.
What helped me was accepting the grief and allowing myself to go through it. As was already mentioned, I had been through a lot of that grief already.
Even after all these years I still miss the person that was trapped in that disease and never made it out, but time and being willing to feel the feelings really does heal.
My former partner died about 15 months after I had left him. Although it was a shock, it wasn't really a surprise; my worst fear for him had come to pass. I did feel some guilt but knew it wasn't rational because I knew I had done all I could and left because I needed to save myself.
What helped me was accepting the grief and allowing myself to go through it. As was already mentioned, I had been through a lot of that grief already.
Even after all these years I still miss the person that was trapped in that disease and never made it out, but time and being willing to feel the feelings really does heal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling.
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.
I think it’s very important for you moving forward, to seek counseling and help in not holding onto guilt that you don’t need to own.
Often our loves ones reach a depth in their addiction that no matter what we chose to do whether to stay with them, leave them, have them leave us……….fate is going to do what fate does, we are not part of that equation. No matter how we try and convince ourselves that we could save them, we can’t.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.
I think it’s very important for you moving forward, to seek counseling and help in not holding onto guilt that you don’t need to own.
Often our loves ones reach a depth in their addiction that no matter what we chose to do whether to stay with them, leave them, have them leave us……….fate is going to do what fate does, we are not part of that equation. No matter how we try and convince ourselves that we could save them, we can’t.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Thank you all for your kind words.
I am not sure how long this process will take or how much more I can endure.
Today my fiancée's daughter will be picked up by her father to go live in California with him.
So many things still need to be untangled and I feel it is delaying my ability to truly grieve and recover.
I have so many emotions that come and go. Some times I feel fine and then the next minute I am an emotional wreck.
Thank you all for the support you have given me. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I feel like such a big wimp and can't seem to get my **ish together
I am not sure how long this process will take or how much more I can endure.
Today my fiancée's daughter will be picked up by her father to go live in California with him.
So many things still need to be untangled and I feel it is delaying my ability to truly grieve and recover.
I have so many emotions that come and go. Some times I feel fine and then the next minute I am an emotional wreck.
Thank you all for the support you have given me. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I feel like such a big wimp and can't seem to get my **ish together
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
My biggest emotion right now is "Why"
Why couldn't she just get her **ish together?
Why am I the one left suffering?
Why is it that love can't be enough?
Why can't there be another way?
I know the answers to all of these questions and more lies within the alcoholic themselves but it doesn't stop me from asking them. Over and over and over again
Why couldn't she just get her **ish together?
Why am I the one left suffering?
Why is it that love can't be enough?
Why can't there be another way?
I know the answers to all of these questions and more lies within the alcoholic themselves but it doesn't stop me from asking them. Over and over and over again
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Grieving is very hard work, Heartbrokenguy.
You may want to pick up some books at the library (or download some) so that you are able to recognize the various stages of grief.
There is a particularly good one by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I'll google it.
You may want to pick up some books at the library (or download some) so that you are able to recognize the various stages of grief.
There is a particularly good one by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. I'll google it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HG.....your emotions are perfectly normal, at this point in time....
Grieving is a deeply emotional process, by definition.....
It will encompass many different stages in the weeks and months to come....
Men often put a premium on being emotionally stoic...but that is just a social construct that should be done away with, in my opinion....
I suggest a grief support group in addition to seeing your counselor....
Human face to face contact is so vital....
think about it, this way...what could it hurt?
What plans, if any, have you made to keep in contact with her daughter?
Grieving is a deeply emotional process, by definition.....
It will encompass many different stages in the weeks and months to come....
Men often put a premium on being emotionally stoic...but that is just a social construct that should be done away with, in my opinion....
I suggest a grief support group in addition to seeing your counselor....
Human face to face contact is so vital....
think about it, this way...what could it hurt?
What plans, if any, have you made to keep in contact with her daughter?
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