HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you for the book suggestions

We will talk and text everyday. She texts me more than my own daughter does.

Also I believe I have worked out arrangements for her and her brother to come visit this summer to spend time together and go through her mom's things to see what if anything they may want.

Alcoholics are selfish, selfish people and I'm doing my best to avoid becoming overly angry with my fiancé.

She made her choice and chose to drink herself to death. She left us here to pick up the pieces and clean up after her one last time.

I feel like telling anyone who is in a relationship with an alcoholic whether is be husband/wife, father/mother, child, or even just a friend to run for the hills.

I know that's not right but I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

LexieCat

They're great questions, but ones with no answers. Not that anyone on this earth has, anyway. None of it is fair. None of it makes any sense. It's just a horrible tragedy.

With something like cancer, or other diseases, you can at least point to some unstoppable disease process that science hasn't yet found a way to fix. With violent crimes, you can point to the attacker. With natural disasters, you can blame physics. With alcoholism, though, so much of it LOOKS like a matter of bad choices. But it really isn't that simple. Nobody knows why one person gets that moment of clarity and is able to act on it, while others struggle in vain. I firmly believe it's not just a matter of free will, though. Nobody in the grip of addiction is entirely free. I wish she'd had a chance to find freedom. Maybe if her body had been stronger she could have gotten there. There's just no way to know.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you Lexie.

I think she found freedom from all her pain and sorrow. Freedom from her guilt and shame.

She is truly free now. I know that in my heart.

My problem as a Codie is that it is not the freedom that I wanted or chose for her.

My grief is a prison of my own making.

My sister put it best that I am now detoxing from my own personal addiction, her.

I will always love her and in enough time I hope that I can find peace with her decision. I know intellectually it was for the best and Gods Will. However, the heart wants what the heart wants.

LexieCat

Be patient and gentle with yourself. This has been a huge shock and it takes time to process it and to grieve. You've done great to help her kids, and I know they appreciate it (and she would have, too). Now it's time to take care of you.

Pondlady

Condolences on the loss of your fiancé . I read somewhere that "Grief, is love, lost." We ache for the love we once had, it hurts. I imagine this is very hard for her children, so it's good you're staying in touch with them.

Indulge in some good self care...again I'm very sorry.

Bekindalways

More hugs HBguy.

FeelingGreat

I'm sorry for your loss HBG. If leaving her daughter couldn't stop her, it's certain you would have been powerless. To think you could have come up with something to make her better is giving yourself much more power than you or anyone else will ever have.

I know that feeling of wanting to speed up time so the grief will ease. Divide your time up into weeks, and concentrate on pushing through. As a recovered A, this was how I got through the first week, then six weeks, then six months and so on.
Don't forget to go for lots of walks and try not to become reclusive. Grief does ease, and you will find peace with your memories.

maia1234

Hbg,
It so so sad, I think we all feel your pain.

You might post on the alcoholism forum and ask the recovering addicts, what it is like. I know I am told that I would never understand, but it might help you, in the way you are processing the grief. They always give me an insight to the mind of an addict, a comment, or word, that I didn't think about because I don't have that mind set. There are some amazing sober people on there and are very helpful, reach out my friend

I am sure they will tell you that getting sober is a one man job, that truly no one could help. But it might help your grief process a little. (((((((((((((((heartbrokenguy))))))))))))))))))

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you all for the love, support, and suggestions.

I had dinner with my fiancé'S exMIL last night.

We shared stories of my fiancé's life and she and her husband were able to confirm many of the terrible things that my fiancé had told me happened during her childhood.

It was a heart breaking conversation which caused me to leave the table several times to weep.

During that time I had a revelation that brought me some peace. She was tormented basically from birth by an alcoholic mother and father who did not want her.

She was abused physically and mentally from the age of 6 until 14 when her mother kicked her out to go live on her own.

She was a tortured soul who was told for far too long that she was worthless and only added value when she could give someone something.

Somehow she still turned out to be an amazing and kind person. She was very generous and everyone she met loved her.

I'm not looking at her through rose colored glasses or trying to make her out as a saint now.

She dealt with her pain the only way she knew how. She bottled it up inside and used the bottle to keep it there.

At the end of dinner, I had somewhat of an epiphany.

Confirming many of the details that I heard over the last couple years caused me to reflect and ask myself what would I have done. I don't believe I could have been 1/2 as kind and gracious. I would likely be in prison now.

She loved us more than anything. She just couldn't face all of the trauma she had endured in her life in order to get and stay sober.

And that is ok. My fiancé was an amazing person. She was just a troubled alcoholic and there is no need for me to separate the two.

I still miss her terribly and wish the outcome had been different.

I do have insight into why she made her choices and because I love her I must respect her right to chose what it right for herself.

I will always love you Kitty Kat💔💔💔😍😍💕💕💔💔💓💓😞😞😞😘😘😘😢😢😢😢

Refiner

Dear HG, it's been heartbreaking to read through your posts and the grieving processes to one of love and acceptance of her situation. You sound like a very kind and compassionate man as she did a human being that was just facing her demons. She is at peace now and I pray you find comfort in that and find yours.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you all. Posting here has been very helpful for me.

I am still grieving the loss. It comes and goes less often. I've started to spend less time "what if'ing" today. She chose what she wanted for her life/death and I don't blame her or begrudge her that choice.

I still feel conflicted and guilty because I am having some relief and am making plans to do things.

It feels extremely weird not to plan around how my fiancé may or may not feel. Or whether not she will be ok while we are gone. Now I am free. And yet that fills me with much more sorrow than relief. I did not want to be free.

I loved you so much Kitty Kat. May you have found the peace you longed for. 😘💔😘💔😘😘💔💔💓💓💕💕💓😍😍💔😘💔😍💓

LexieCat

I hope you'll stick around, Guy. I left my alcoholic husband a long time ago, but this is the friendliest, most helpful online community I've ever run across. I stick around for the camaraderie. Feel free to come in anytime and vent, cry, or have a laugh or two. Sometimes the humor can be a bit "gallows" but it's a coping thing, like cracking jokes in the ER.

I think you have a lot to offer others, whenever you feel up to it.

I think it will feel pretty strange for quite a while, but you WILL be happy again. It has a way of sneaking up on you.

HeartbrokenGuy

I will definitely stick around.

I feel like this forum has been better for me than anything else.

My fiancé chose death and I don't blame her anymore.

I am choosing life and part of chosing to live is that I must come to terms with all my feelings and emotions.

I do not want to follow in her footsteps and do self harm in order to numb the pain I feel.

I will be around for a long while. Part of my recovery will be to share my story for myself and if it can benefit others then that is great too.

SoloMio

I am so, so sorry for your loss. As a die-hard Codie myself, I can relate to how you feel, but you did nothing wrong and should NOT feel responsible. I know your head may be able to process that much easier than your heart, but it's true.

Here's something that helped me when feeling"damned if I do, damned if I don't." I had read two books that really, really hit home for me. One was "We Were the Mulvaneys" by Joyce Carol Oates and the other was "Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls.

In "Mulvaneys" the alcoholic dad leaves and he winds up dying on his own. In "Glass Castle," the alcoholic dad and the codependent mom are stuck like glue, and he winds up dying with her by his side.

I had an "aha" moment when I realized that whether I stayed or left, my AH will meet his fate that is uniquely his, whether I'm there or not.

For sure, it is tragic and sad, and I don't blame you for being angry. I wish you peace.

Bekindalways

For every person who chooses to live I want to say thanks. I have chosen life too in spite of being as broken and struggling as anyone.

I don't blame the folks who choose death or the living death of addiction. Eventually most of us go through something that makes us writhe in pain. In a way, the pain of loving an addict sure can help us understand why anyone might want to medicate their emotions away. Damn is it hard.

I myself love nothing better than drinking wine in the evenings and it isn't just for the taste. I've watched it become a habit; Two glasses become three or four. So tonight I lift my cup of Celestial Seasons Tummy Mint tea in a toast to you Guy and everyone else who chooses life.

HeartbrokenGuy

My best friends wife just called to tell me that she was diagnosed with cirrhosis 6 months ago and has continued drinking.

She says that my situation and the pain I'm dealing with have made her consider not drinking anymore.

I am not getting overly excited. However this was a good example of why we must share the negatives of this disease with the world and not allow our alcoholics to hide in the shadows drinking.

The pain and anguish of the life of an alcoholic must be brought to light. At first, the Capt. Codie in me wanted to keep my fiancé's reason for passing a secret.

The truth is that until more of us gain the strength to speak up about the physical and emotional horrors of alcoholism, nothing will change.

My fiancé wanted to help people when she got sober. Maybe in death her story and our story can accomplish that.

Thanks for letting me vent

Sasha1972

Just wanted to say that this has been a gripping and inspiring thread for me to read. I am slowly coming to terms with the reality that my alcoholic ex may not live that much longer - mid-50s, has already sustained significant medical damage from decades of drinking. I am wondering what to expect if he does pass on soon, how my daughter (his daughter too) will cope, and how I will be able to reconcile my memories of the person I married with what he became as the disease took hold. Thank you for sharing your journey.

HeartbrokenGuy

Hi Sasha

I am very happy that my sharing has helped you. Maybe I have started to pay forward some of the help that I received at such a dark time in my life.

I am sad for myself and my family. I am still grieving my fiancé. It feels like it's less each day. I go back and forth will all the emotions of loss.

I can tell you it is true what they say. Worrying does not make it any easier. I was so consumed with worry about what might happen that it paralyzed me.

In the end, I still have to go through the grief of actually losing the love of my life.

I hope you can find some peace Sasha. And I encourage you to focus on you and your daughter and your lives as much as you can.

Please take care of yourself.

loveandmagic

I immediately started sobbing reading this. This is my greatest fear. And my heart is shattered for you. I am praying for you, wherever you are. I pray you feel peace soon, as I can only imagine how much pain you are suffering from. Seek the support of those who love you and those who understand this disease. Sending so much love.

Hummer

Hi HeartbrokenGuy,
So sorry for the harrowing time you are going through.
I'm estranged from my AH since January of this year and in February he drank a poisonous substance in an attempt to end his life. He was in a coma/ITU for 10 days and the doctors had prepared us for his death. Miraculously he pulled through. Your story really is hard hitting. You sound so kind and you did all the right things. I'm glad you are letting people know the real reason for the cause of your fiancé 's death - less secrecy and more awareness is needed where addiction is concerned.
my thoughts and very best wishes to you during this painful time.