PhoenixJ

Grief is for the living. For a life which can no longer be shared or enjoyed. For what was and could have been. Emotions come in waves. What you did is not connected with this death. My family basically left me as you did with your fiancé. I did die- 3 times. I would have come to some similar event that would have led to something very, very bad. I lived. My family still do not see me. I do not blame them and have nothing but empathy for them. I think your fiancé- if she were the person you remember in the good times- would think the same of you. Grieve for her and yourself- do not let guilt come into it. Talk to people- a support group, al-anon, counsellor- a priest. Do not bottle your stuff up. I grieve for the loss- a waste of someone from addiction. My empathy, compassion and support to you. PJ

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you PJ and thank you all.

Today has been a rough day. Very very emotional and upsetting.

I am very thankful for this forum and the people on it who have given me solace and hope through this tragic event.

LexieCat

You're handling the rough days the right way--not keeping it to yourself.

Rough days suck. Hang in there--better days to come. I think weekends tend overall to be hard--less structure.

VigilanceNow

I'm so sorry to hear this... It just brought tears to my eyes. Tragic stories such as this are a reminder to everyone just how serious this disease is. To be honest, I feel like this could've been me many times.

I had a friend who ODed on alcohol 3 years ago. Everyone had all but given up on him. I still deal with the guilt to this day, because he called me the same night, but I refused to pick up the phone because I knew it was a drunk dial.

I'm so glad to hear that you're not blaming yourself; alcoholics will find a way to drink no matter who's around or what circumstances they're in. Perhaps you could speak at an alanon event? Surely you would not be the only person with such a heart-rending story.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you Lexie.

I agree that I will need to make specific plans to take up all my free time.

It's funny but I've got so much more free time now and I really don't know how to invest it.

I've joined a softball league again and made plans for my daughter and I to take a little road trip next weekend.

I think my off weekends when I don't have my daughter will be the most challenging.

At first I was sad that I didn't have her this weekend but I think it's given me a little more time to grieve and come to terms with my "new" life.

Thank you all for your support and love. It has been so amazing as I'm not usually one to share what I'm going through.

I've cried on the shoulders of people who haven't seen me cry since I was a kid.

LexieCat

Well, don't feel like you need to fill up ALL the time. You actually do need to do the grieving--constantly pushing it away isn't great because you have to continue to process it. I think structure is good, but every minute doesn't need to be occupied.

One thing I've done while grieving my mom, or my various breakups (some of which hit me much harder than others) was to set aside some time to wallow. You just don't want to get STUCK there, if you know what I mean. Sometimes right after work can be a good time. Put on some sad music, write out your feelings. When time's up, put it away and find something more upbeat to do--work out, put on some happier music, do something else that you love. That way, you will have counterbalanced the sadness a bit before going to sleep, for instance.

Just an idea. It helped me.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you Lexie.

I think I may incorporate your suggestions into my grieving process.

I want to completely grieve and not just push down my feelings and emotions.

LemonGirl

HG.... so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what that must feel like. And like you, that's a great fear of mine... I'll never forget what my step dad said, as everyone gathered and started visiting the house... it was surreal. He felt like it was all going to be okay and that everyone should go home. He said, "that's it?" As in, 'this is the end?' He had been a smoker and nightly beer drinker for years... And yes, that was it. The alcohol killed his liver and his kidneys just... gave out. No one really understood that it was the alcohol that slowly caused all of it.

The process, for me, involved a lot of anger. My mother, she is still drinking her pain away... so glad you've chosen not to do that. It's still hard for me not to do that as I continue through my own struggles in life.

Sending you lots of prayers and peace ♡

HeartbrokenGuy

Thank you LemonGirl.

HeartbrokenGuy

Hi all thank you for your support.

I have some questions for those that have grieved an alcoholic, especially a spouse.

I am cautious to ask them here as I don't want to daunt any of the newcomers and their hope.

Is there a different forum or place on this forum where I should ask my questions? I was going to just ask my counselor but I don't think he will have the perspective that I'm looking for.

Thank you again for all your support and for helping me through this time.

LexieCat

I think it's just fine to ask them here. Newcomers need to know that this sh*t is REAL. You don't have to go grab them by the collar and force them to look at it, but we're all here to share honestly about what we're feeling and experiencing. Talking about it/hearing about it may be painful, but it doesn't come close to the pain of the reality.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thanks Lexie. I have truly appreciated your input and guidance.

So here is my questions for those that have lost an alcoholic, especially spouse.

1.) Did you feel a sense of relief about them passing? I have been feeling this more and more in the last couple of days. I no longer have to worry about something horrible happening to her.

2.) Did you feel guilty about being relieved so quickly? I know I'm still in mourning and I'm not trying to rush the process. Today I just feel very free and now I'm feeling guilty for that. I know that is the Capt Codie in me and it's something I shouldn't feel guilty for but I do.

3.) Did you feel optimistic about your new life without your A? I have an immense amount of hope and excitement for the future today. I was a pretty independent person before this relationship and I'm excited to get back to that.

4.) Did your feelings of excitement and hope cause you to feel like you were being disrespectful to your A? I am feeling this today as well.

5.) Did you have a feeling of if <insert subject> was truly that important to the A then they would have gotten help for themselves? This isn't anger per se but more of an ambivalence towards the continued drama of tending to my fiancé's final affairs. Her exMIL called me to say that the police do not have her personal effects and she now has to try contacting the hotel to see if they have anything (cell phone, purse, etc.). I feel a little heartless but my first response in my brain was "It wasn't that important to A so why should it be important to me"

Thanks again for reading and allowing me to work through this with you all

LexieCat

I hope you don't mind my input, given that I've never been in precisely your situation--losing an alcoholic loved one to death. I DID lose a mother when I was 31, due to a recurrence of breast cancer. And I did walk away from an alcoholic whose demise I believed was imminent--he had already almost died, once, and at the rate he was going, I didn't think he was long for this world (as I mentioned before, he's made it for another 20 years--god only knows how).

I was relieved when my mother died. She was in so much pain, and so out of it toward the end, but I DID feel like I was gonna lose it if it had gone on much longer. IOW, I was glad she was no longer suffering, but I was also REALLY glad *I* was no longer suffering. I don't think feeling relief for oneself in any way diminishes the love you felt for the person who died. It isn't as if living any longer would have given them any QUALITY of life. It sounds like your fiancee was in her own kind of hell, and there was nothing you could do to relieve her pain. I think it's perfectly natural to be relieved to no longer be in the position of helplessly watching someone slowly destroying herself. I would have happily given a body part to have my mother well, or even my alcoholic well. That wasn't possible, though. There was literally nothing I could do for either one of them.

Yes, I did feel guilty about how relieved I was when my mom died. I didn't experience guilt for leaving my alcoholic, though, and I don't think I would have felt guilt if he had died, because at that point I thought it was inevitable and I'd already sort of mentally buried him. On my way back across the country after leaving him, I stopped at a beautiful shrine and said a prayer and envisioned myself putting him in the hands of his own Higher Power to care for. From that point, I was emotionally free, even though I still cared about him. If he had died, I would have felt sadness, but not a huge loss in my life--for me, he was already gone.

Questions 3 and 4 were not something I experienced in terms of death of the alcoholic. I was certainly excited about the future, having left the relationship behind. I don't know how I would have felt if he had died before I'd reached the point of surrender about any future with him. I probably would have had to do a lot more processing.

Number 5 I can relate to somewhat. I got an indignant, upset phone call from his sister once, after we had separated and he was sick in his new apartment and apparently without food. I DID bring him a bag of groceries, leaving them on the doorstep because he wouldn't open the door. I felt very angry that his sister was accusing me of "abandoning" him and I felt pretty much the way you did. If he was starving to death, he could have called 911--the hospital would have fed him.

Like I said, I don't know if any of this is exactly pertinent to your situation. If it's not helpful, feel free to ignore.

HeartbrokenGuy

Thanks Lexie

I appreciate your input

HeartbrokenGuy

Hello all,

I hope everyone is doing well. I've been checking in from time to time to read and remind myself.

Over the last two months, I've been working on my recovery. In this time, I've spent time out with friends and family, etc.

A few questions have come up recently and I thought this might be a place to get a few answers.

First question- Yesterday marked the 2 month point of me learning of her passing. Will I always thing of this "anniversary" or as with other deaths in my life, will the details of this one fade in time?

Second question and the one that's been on my mind a lot as I start to go out socially more.

I know deep down I'm not ready and do not want to be in a romantic relationship with anyone.

I do find myself being attracted to and interested in what I would call "fun" women. "Normal" just seems so boring and vanilla.

I'm sure this is a manifestation of my codependency. My question is (which is like 6 parts kinda like the SATs...&#128513

As I recover, will I find "normal" women more attractive and "fun" women more repulsive?

Am I just being stupid and over thinking things as I have a tendency to do?

How will I know if someone is an alcoholic or a normie?

Is part of my "symptoms" as a codependency a desire for companionship or is that more a part of grief or is it just normal?

I find myself missing my XAGf more recently. I think that's just me being lonely. We talked all day every day except for the days she was completely hammered and now that she's gone, I feel like I'm going through withdrawal.

Again, thank you all for everything on this forum and all of your sound advice and counsel over the last couple months

AnvilheadII

this jumped out at me, so i'll start here, then see if i can circle back around - good to see you HBG.

We talked all day every day except for the days she was completely hammered

i am not trying to pick apart your last relationship, but we can all reflect and see what lessons might be had. IMHO, there is such a thing as TOO connected, TOO involved, TOO together. i'm always troubled by couples who can't go more than an hour without texting or calling each other. who can't go do their work day without multiple calls. who can't go spend time with OTHER people without keep the lines of communication open with their partner. who say I LOVE YOU 32 times a day.

i'm not saying that was a description of YOUR relationship. but you did say talking ALL day EVERY day......we need to be able to breathe our own air and have time that is self-sacred. our partners should not be like infants we swaddle to ourselves before we head out into the fields.

it's only been a couple months hon. that happened in the blink of an eye. and was probably endlessly long at the same time.

i hope you don't find ANY woman REPULSIVE!!!? you are geared to a level of excitement/danger/fear from your addiction-based relationship and it takes time to come down from that high and not keep seeking it. but trust me, right now, avoid "exciting" like the plague. you could easily fall into the distraction effect.

firebolt

This is slowly changing for me. I've been single a little over a year and a half though.

I could guess you have a combination of grief and loneliness going on and making you feel like a relationship would help that subside. I went through that too a little - I left xabf and 2 weeks later lost my dad. The dates I went on no too long after were unsatisfying - no person can fix that stuff. I could see they were the wrong people, but could feel that old "pull" to them anyway. At least I could identify red flags lol.

I recommend redirecting to friends, your health and your hobbies for a while. It helps!

Oh - and learning to feel lonely, and get comfortable through it. We get so focused on other people making us feel better, and they just can't. Hang in there man, this is all pretty raw. Keep working on that recovery!

dandylion

HBG....you are still in the hard part of the grieving.....your fears and questions are normal for t his point in time, I think....
It will be a lot better at 6months.... and the one year anniversary seems to be the big turning point....it always has been for me......

So, maybe you are attracted to extroverts. Not all extroverts are alcoholic...or, otherwise messed up in the head.....
How do you know the difference?....take the time to get to now them before you jump in with both feet.....if Krazy is there..it will, eventually, bubble to the surface....

Keep working on yourself...
Remember that quality women are concerned about what you have to bring to their table, too......

LexieCat

I wouldn't over-analyze it too much, unless you seem to be drawn to women with PROBLEMS. Fun, outgoing types are, well, FUN. Not everyone who is that way is an alcoholic or addict. Maybe yours happened to be, but unless you were attracted to the DRAMA of constant problems, then I don't think the fact that you like fun, exciting people is anything to worry about.

Take your time. No rush.

Seren

I must admit, I find I am a little put off by the idea that those who are drama free are repulsive. But, to each his own.

Perhaps at only 2 months out it is a bit early to be too concerned about it? I hope your healing continues and you find joy and peace!