Barely hanging on since husband left after getting sober
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if your AH was not willing, NO ONE could have enticed him to leave you. she did not set out one morning to deliberately find someone's husband and FORCE them to leave the marriage. the "home" was already pretty banged up and wrecked..........if there is any blame to be assigned, that sits squarely on your AH's shoulders.............
love the quote!!!
love the quote!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's OK to have conflicting feelings. You don't have to act on the ones that will lead to a bad outcome or make you feel worse in the long run.
GREAT quote, BTW. It reminds me a bit of Michelle Obama's "When they go low, we go HIGH."
GREAT quote, BTW. It reminds me a bit of Michelle Obama's "When they go low, we go HIGH."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
The comment was great I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah he was an A-hole. And yes he went willingly( probably ran)
but it still hurts like a biotch!!! And I don't see any end in sight for me and my boys in the abandonment, depressed dept anytime soon.
But you are all so wonderful!!
I only cried at work once and home one time. That is an improvement!!!:
Yeah he was an A-hole. And yes he went willingly( probably ran)
but it still hurts like a biotch!!! And I don't see any end in sight for me and my boys in the abandonment, depressed dept anytime soon.
But you are all so wonderful!!
I only cried at work once and home one time. That is an improvement!!!:
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
Originally Posted by HURTINGDINA 
The comment was great I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah he was an A-hole. And yes he went willingly( probably ran)
but it still hurts like a biotch!!! And I don't see any end in sight for me and my boys in the abandonment, depressed dept anytime soon.
But you are all so wonderful!!
I only cried at work once and home one time. That is an improvement!!!:
Yeah he was an A-hole. And yes he went willingly( probably ran)
but it still hurts like a biotch!!! And I don't see any end in sight for me and my boys in the abandonment, depressed dept anytime soon.
But you are all so wonderful!!
I only cried at work once and home one time. That is an improvement!!!:
I am so so sorry; the situation does indeed suck. Keep breathing; keep posting.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Dina, just read your thread all the way through. I've been through similar trauma, and you don't get over it quickly, but if you put the work into it you will steadily gain perspective, start living a life focused on yourself and the boys, not him, and I predict you'll start enjoying life more that you have for years.
I'll second Dandy that a change of job might be a good plan. Seriously, the attitudes you've described are so skewed towards the man that it's just distorted. You don't need that in your life. Try not to downplay your abilities in your own mind. We can be far more critical of ourselves than anyone else would be. I suggest you get a good resume put together and start applying for jobs, just to get practice in interviews. Then when your dream job comes along you'll be ready.
It sounds like you're staying away from mutual friends. Why not go out and have coffee with some of them, or see a movie? Don't assume they're taking his side, because it's probably not true. Many people stay neutral in these situations, and why should you deprive yourself of the company of friends?
Just a word about AH and the boys. They're hurting for sure, but try not to put yourself in between them and their relationship with their father. They're old enough now to speak for themselves, and if you're trying to shield them, or getting mad on their behalf it's just going to make you more upset. Leave it to them to work out.
I'll second Dandy that a change of job might be a good plan. Seriously, the attitudes you've described are so skewed towards the man that it's just distorted. You don't need that in your life. Try not to downplay your abilities in your own mind. We can be far more critical of ourselves than anyone else would be. I suggest you get a good resume put together and start applying for jobs, just to get practice in interviews. Then when your dream job comes along you'll be ready.
It sounds like you're staying away from mutual friends. Why not go out and have coffee with some of them, or see a movie? Don't assume they're taking his side, because it's probably not true. Many people stay neutral in these situations, and why should you deprive yourself of the company of friends?
Just a word about AH and the boys. They're hurting for sure, but try not to put yourself in between them and their relationship with their father. They're old enough now to speak for themselves, and if you're trying to shield them, or getting mad on their behalf it's just going to make you more upset. Leave it to them to work out.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Thank you, thank you!!!!!!!
Now for possible insanity on my part
I got so angry yesterday. He told my sons he would see them, they had spoken earlier and said he was tired and was going to take a nap and then call back to see them. He never did! Son was hurt. I drove to his parents house where he is supposed to be living at 12am. Cars were there but not his. His "gf" lives an hour and a half away. All I could think was that A....hole was at her house instead of with my sons. I didn't drive to her house, but came home to my sons. But I am contemplating it. She has a well known business where she lives and I have thought of dropping by as a customer.
Dont do that. She probably knows who you are. This will only support that you are "crazy". Not a good idea.
I was going to be friendly with her and bring up whether my "Fake Hubby" would like some thing she sells and ask if she is married or has a bf who likes that.
Again, in the long or short will only make you look crazy.
Has anyone ever talked to the other woman without them knowing who you are? He is still MY husband. Do you just try not to fight for a 20+ yr marriage? Even though he has treated me badly? and yes she knew he is married with kids.
Ok. I know this is going to be a hard pill to swallow. People AREN"T property. You do not own this man, he does not own you. A marriage is a a breakable contract. He has decided (for now) to break the contract. He has every right in the world to do so.
Here you right the most important part of this "even though he has treated me badly".
Your description of this marriage is pretty horrific. I understand the feelings you are having, definitely get that him leaving, leaving you with his messes, and him going off with someone else is a kick in the gut.
Its also the winning lotto ticket. There is no prize to be had with this person. He was (and is) a terrible partner. That he left is a gift to you from the Universe as most people aren't that fortunate and can't get rid of their loser alcoholics. You need to start looking at the reality of what you are fighting for Dina - what ARE you fighting for here? Because this man has brought nothing but stress and heart ache to your life so to consider to "fight for him" is contrary to what he deserves, and what YOU deserve.
Do i just let her ride off with m y husband? I am not excusing his behavior, but why would someone sleep with a married man with kids?
She isn't "riding off with him". She didn't kidnap him. You cannot stop him from being with her or her with him. Why she would sleep with him or he her honestly has nothing to do with YOU. What she has chosen to do is get herself involved with someone who is unavailable 100%, will have to get a divorce to be with her, doesn't have a pot to **** in , and is a newly recovered alcoholic. Hmmm. If I were to do anything here I might put a gold bow on his head and offer to pay her a large sum to NEVER send him back my way. Not kidding.
You got this Dina - just gotta change the way you look at it.
Now for possible insanity on my part
I got so angry yesterday. He told my sons he would see them, they had spoken earlier and said he was tired and was going to take a nap and then call back to see them. He never did! Son was hurt. I drove to his parents house where he is supposed to be living at 12am. Cars were there but not his. His "gf" lives an hour and a half away. All I could think was that A....hole was at her house instead of with my sons. I didn't drive to her house, but came home to my sons. But I am contemplating it. She has a well known business where she lives and I have thought of dropping by as a customer.
Dont do that. She probably knows who you are. This will only support that you are "crazy". Not a good idea.
I was going to be friendly with her and bring up whether my "Fake Hubby" would like some thing she sells and ask if she is married or has a bf who likes that.
Again, in the long or short will only make you look crazy.
Has anyone ever talked to the other woman without them knowing who you are? He is still MY husband. Do you just try not to fight for a 20+ yr marriage? Even though he has treated me badly? and yes she knew he is married with kids.
Ok. I know this is going to be a hard pill to swallow. People AREN"T property. You do not own this man, he does not own you. A marriage is a a breakable contract. He has decided (for now) to break the contract. He has every right in the world to do so.
Here you right the most important part of this "even though he has treated me badly".
Your description of this marriage is pretty horrific. I understand the feelings you are having, definitely get that him leaving, leaving you with his messes, and him going off with someone else is a kick in the gut.
Its also the winning lotto ticket. There is no prize to be had with this person. He was (and is) a terrible partner. That he left is a gift to you from the Universe as most people aren't that fortunate and can't get rid of their loser alcoholics. You need to start looking at the reality of what you are fighting for Dina - what ARE you fighting for here? Because this man has brought nothing but stress and heart ache to your life so to consider to "fight for him" is contrary to what he deserves, and what YOU deserve.
Do i just let her ride off with m y husband? I am not excusing his behavior, but why would someone sleep with a married man with kids?
She isn't "riding off with him". She didn't kidnap him. You cannot stop him from being with her or her with him. Why she would sleep with him or he her honestly has nothing to do with YOU. What she has chosen to do is get herself involved with someone who is unavailable 100%, will have to get a divorce to be with her, doesn't have a pot to **** in , and is a newly recovered alcoholic. Hmmm. If I were to do anything here I might put a gold bow on his head and offer to pay her a large sum to NEVER send him back my way. Not kidding.
You got this Dina - just gotta change the way you look at it.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well said, redatlanta. Dina, please don't contact the gf. Things may go sideways and a situation created from which you cannot walk away.
You are sad and hurt right now, but that won't last forever. Soon you will see that you have been given a gift: life without an alcoholic in it.
Punish that treadmill!
You are sad and hurt right now, but that won't last forever. Soon you will see that you have been given a gift: life without an alcoholic in it.
Punish that treadmill!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Yes to everything you said. But his new gf is rich, has a great business, so I don't see him suffering in the slightest. The biotch is skinny too darn it!
He married a 100% Italian woman who likes to eat and left me for a juicing, no processed foods, no gluten, health food junkie.
Where's the karma in that?
And yes I should rise above it but boy does that add insult to injury.
He married a 100% Italian woman who likes to eat and left me for a juicing, no processed foods, no gluten, health food junkie.
Where's the karma in that?
And yes I should rise above it but boy does that add insult to injury.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
And My day sucked. Had to go to the High School where I had to explain to my son's teacher and guidance counselor what is happening and why my son's grades are tanking. Possibility of failing his senior year.
ended up crying there too. Did not go to gym or Alanon, too emotionally drained (feeling like a limp dishrag. )
thanks for letting me vent.
ended up crying there too. Did not go to gym or Alanon, too emotionally drained (feeling like a limp dishrag. )
thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
She sounds uptight and boring to me....I'm quite certain you are way more fun.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in now. I know it's hard, believe me, but try to forget about her and her skinny, garbage collecting a$$.
The more you do now to make yourself feel good, the easier it will become with time.
Be gentle with yourself, and keep posting here.
Big hugs!!!
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in now. I know it's hard, believe me, but try to forget about her and her skinny, garbage collecting a$$.
The more you do now to make yourself feel good, the easier it will become with time.
Be gentle with yourself, and keep posting here.
Big hugs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
+On a plus note...ladies you'll know what I'm talking about.....
I felt my first twinge in my _________(feel free to fill in your own noun)
As I haven't had sex in over ten months, I thought maybe it was broken. lol
I felt my first twinge in my _________(feel free to fill in your own noun)
As I haven't had sex in over ten months, I thought maybe it was broken. lol
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dina...if it helps, any...Haley Barry has had men cheat on her!
Seems silly, but it helped me realize that he didn't cheat on me because of my imperfections.... because I'm not beautiful enough or skinny enough, or fun enough.... Because look at all of them.... they are beautiful and rich and talented, and their husbands still cheated!
It wasn't you and it wasn't your fault.
He did it because there is something flawed in him....
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by HURTINGDINA
+On a plus note...ladies you'll know what I'm talking about.....
I felt my first twinge in my _________(feel free to fill in your own noun)
As I haven't had sex in over ten months, I thought maybe it was broken. lol
I felt my first twinge in my _________(feel free to fill in your own noun)
As I haven't had sex in over ten months, I thought maybe it was broken. lol
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Hi Dina,
I am feeling for you and hoping things are better. I found a lot of help here. I left a marriage of 33 years- and sometimes the thought of returning entered my mind-my XAH said he had stopped drinking- he has returned to drinking, but anyway - at the time, I thought about the statistics- someone not in AA- and he wasn't - has 80% chance of relapse. He had hurt me so much with verbal and mental abuse.
An image that helped me- I realized living with him was like playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun- and 4 bullets in 5 chambers- did I really want to live that way? Picking up that loaded gun every day and every time I talked with him?
It took me a while to feel comfortable in Alanon, but now I look forward to it. And it is so great to be treated with kindness, love, respect, and courtesy from every direction!
Hang in there!
I am feeling for you and hoping things are better. I found a lot of help here. I left a marriage of 33 years- and sometimes the thought of returning entered my mind-my XAH said he had stopped drinking- he has returned to drinking, but anyway - at the time, I thought about the statistics- someone not in AA- and he wasn't - has 80% chance of relapse. He had hurt me so much with verbal and mental abuse.
An image that helped me- I realized living with him was like playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun- and 4 bullets in 5 chambers- did I really want to live that way? Picking up that loaded gun every day and every time I talked with him?
It took me a while to feel comfortable in Alanon, but now I look forward to it. And it is so great to be treated with kindness, love, respect, and courtesy from every direction!
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Do you just try not to fight for a 20+ yr marriage? Even though he has treated me badly? and yes she knew he is married with kids.
Do i just let her ride off with my husband? I am not excusing his behavior, but why would someone sleep with a married man with kids?
Let them get on with it. Why she is with him is not your concern. It's not a marriage in the normal sense when you are marriage to an alcoholic anyway. They are married to drink. Latest lady friend will have all the stress and you are best out of it.((hugs))
Do i just let her ride off with my husband? I am not excusing his behavior, but why would someone sleep with a married man with kids?
Let them get on with it. Why she is with him is not your concern. It's not a marriage in the normal sense when you are marriage to an alcoholic anyway. They are married to drink. Latest lady friend will have all the stress and you are best out of it.((hugs))
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