Hi Dina,
I am feeling for you and hoping things are better. I found a lot of help here. I left a marriage of 33 years- and sometimes the thought of returning entered my mind-my XAH said he had stopped drinking- he has returned to drinking, but anyway - at the time, I thought about the statistics- someone not in AA- and he wasn't - has 80% chance of relapse. He had hurt me so much with verbal and mental abuse.
An image that helped me- I realized living with him was like playing Russian Roulette with a loaded gun- and 4 bullets in 5 chambers- did I really want to live that way? Picking up that loaded gun every day and every time I talked with him?
It took me a while to feel comfortable in Alanon, but now I look forward to it. And it is so great to be treated with kindness, love, respect, and courtesy from every direction!
Hang in there!