Feeling mixed up and no one to talk to
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
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LexieCat-
Thank you for the details! I called a few places and looked online. In Illinois it's called a Victim Witness Protection Advocate. So if anyone needs this info there it is. They were friendly and gave me the number for the person in the court house I am at. I left her a message a few minutes ago-awaiting a call back......
Thank you for the details! I called a few places and looked online. In Illinois it's called a Victim Witness Protection Advocate. So if anyone needs this info there it is. They were friendly and gave me the number for the person in the court house I am at. I left her a message a few minutes ago-awaiting a call back......
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Join Date: May 2016
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Bekindalways-
Yes, one step at a time and that is hard sometimes when so much is going on and I have to prioritize what I am doing and what comes first before the next. Sometimes like late last night I was like AHHHHHHHHH.
The lady running the DV counseling group had me lead the discussing for week 3 now and when I start talking I cannot stop and she smiles and says-ok, deep breath now, deep breath and that forces me back to a calmer state. If I try two many steps at once I risk falling and falling hard. Thank you all again for the encouragement. I know I am doing the right thing and I just need reminders of that every now and then. The more days that pass that I have no contact with him, the stronger I get.
Yes, one step at a time and that is hard sometimes when so much is going on and I have to prioritize what I am doing and what comes first before the next. Sometimes like late last night I was like AHHHHHHHHH.
The lady running the DV counseling group had me lead the discussing for week 3 now and when I start talking I cannot stop and she smiles and says-ok, deep breath now, deep breath and that forces me back to a calmer state. If I try two many steps at once I risk falling and falling hard. Thank you all again for the encouragement. I know I am doing the right thing and I just need reminders of that every now and then. The more days that pass that I have no contact with him, the stronger I get.
Trying to stay in the moment...
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As a side note, I went to group counseling last night and a woman said she remembers the 1st time her husband shoved her, grabbed her hard and threw her backwards and said she ran and hid in the bathroom and locked the door for 2 hrs until she felt ok to come out as he passed out drunk. I said wow-you were lucky, each time I ran into the bathroom and bedroom and tried to lock it and get away, he pounded the door in and keep at it towering over me. I realized this morning that was not right to say that she was lucky. Feeling a bit sorry for that statement as we all are in different yet similar situations and no one persons is better or worse than the next. Each is unique. God bless that woman who is still in the relationship rt now.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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It's OK, we all sometimes say something that, on reflection, we shouldn't have said. If you see her at the next session you can tell her exactly what you just told us. My bet is she'll understand.
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Originally Posted by newbeginings16 
As a side note, I went to group counseling last night and a woman said she remembers the 1st time her husband shoved her, grabbed her hard and threw her backwards and said she ran and hid in the bathroom and locked the door for 2 hrs until she felt ok to come out as he passed out drunk. I said wow-you were lucky, each time I ran into the bathroom and bedroom and tried to lock it and get away, he pounded the door in and keep at it towering over me. I realized this morning that was not right to say that she was lucky. Feeling a bit sorry for that statement as we all are in different yet similar situations and no one persons is better or worse than the next. Each is unique. God bless that woman who is still in the relationship rt now.
Keep at it lady and a big hug to you!
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Join Date: May 2016
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All-I called again to the Victim Witness Protection Advocate,
She finally called back (persistence was the key here). She was kind, helpful and explained the whole process. I was not at the bond hearing as they did it the same day as the arrest and I was at work and didn't know I could have been there but probably would not as that would have been VERY uncomfortable. The next court date is where the attorneys exchange information on the case, see me there and meet me and possibly make him an offer. If he still pleads not guilty then another court date is set and a possibly trial where I have to testify, if needed. I voiced my concerns on not wanting to testify against this man and I will say I am damn proud that I bit the bullet and went downtown and filed my divorce 2 weeks ago, it's in process and that is a relief to say the least. I have no idea if he will fight and continue to say not guilty as the proof on the violation is all in writing, 9 pages of text messages as well as a long email sent to my work. I guess it's a little better than he said she said but it's not like he showed to my place and beat the heck out of me, yet he always starts verbal and the abuse graduates. Additionally, the mental abuse takes a huge toll on me, sad but true, rather have a physical bruise that will heal than words that are mean, bitter, untrue and resonate with me....... Thanks all for the support as I go through this. I have been able to help 4 people in situations like mine so far and it's a great feeling.
She finally called back (persistence was the key here). She was kind, helpful and explained the whole process. I was not at the bond hearing as they did it the same day as the arrest and I was at work and didn't know I could have been there but probably would not as that would have been VERY uncomfortable. The next court date is where the attorneys exchange information on the case, see me there and meet me and possibly make him an offer. If he still pleads not guilty then another court date is set and a possibly trial where I have to testify, if needed. I voiced my concerns on not wanting to testify against this man and I will say I am damn proud that I bit the bullet and went downtown and filed my divorce 2 weeks ago, it's in process and that is a relief to say the least. I have no idea if he will fight and continue to say not guilty as the proof on the violation is all in writing, 9 pages of text messages as well as a long email sent to my work. I guess it's a little better than he said she said but it's not like he showed to my place and beat the heck out of me, yet he always starts verbal and the abuse graduates. Additionally, the mental abuse takes a huge toll on me, sad but true, rather have a physical bruise that will heal than words that are mean, bitter, untrue and resonate with me....... Thanks all for the support as I go through this. I have been able to help 4 people in situations like mine so far and it's a great feeling.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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A couple of things, nb. It's fine to tell the prosecutors you would PREFER not to testify, but in my extensive experience, defendants who finally realize that despite their efforts and hopes, the victim WILL testify are the ones who eventually plead guilty. He will probably not jump at a plea right off the bat. The case might be scheduled for trial, but that's still not a guarantee you will have to testify. I've had defendants plead guilty as we were picking a jury. When he realizes you are strong enough to stand up for yourself, there's a good chance he will fold.
A trial date will most likely be a long ways off. Whether you appear for court proceedings where your active participation isn't necessary is up to you, but if you let the prosecutor know that as uncomfortable and scared as you are, you will do what you need to do, and if you ask for them to keep you informed, the chances are that the prosecutor can be confident in his/her ability to move the case forward.
I think you're doing great, and you're looking at this the right way. These situations inevitably escalate until the offender is STOPPED.
Hang in there.
A trial date will most likely be a long ways off. Whether you appear for court proceedings where your active participation isn't necessary is up to you, but if you let the prosecutor know that as uncomfortable and scared as you are, you will do what you need to do, and if you ask for them to keep you informed, the chances are that the prosecutor can be confident in his/her ability to move the case forward.
I think you're doing great, and you're looking at this the right way. These situations inevitably escalate until the offender is STOPPED.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: May 2016
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I started the Serenity prayer last week when it was visitation time. I keep saying it daily. This group is my possee-im beyond thankful for it. I have a few close gf that will start cheering me on from the time I get out of bed until they know I have answered them after the court date. Lexicat-I wish you lived nextdoor to me! you have been a wealth of information and I cannpt thank you enough. Being educated on this stuff makes me feel more at ease. I hope that my little story along the way here helps others dealing with subjects as mine. This all once began as I was seriously considering getting back with the hubby and almost believing him. I am over joyed for putting my boundaries in place, saying no, sticking with my gut and standing firm even when I am terrified. I am glad I am happy with my decision to keep this man away. I know there is a long way to go here and again thank you all for your loving and supportive comments. Education is knowledge and knowledge is power. I will be ok, serenity now and giving it up to my higher power as hard as that may be in all of this. My counsler said today how proud of me he is and sticking up for not only myself and my kids but for victims of abuse and those of loved ones who have been destroyed by addiction. He said most go back because it is familiar and they hold onto hope, he said one day I will tell my whole story and it will be of the greatest successes. I can do this, and I did say I am willing to testify if that is the last hope in this case. Putting in another call to catholic cherities as I want to move from my place to an unknown location... God Bless All
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I have a colleague (who worked on a case involving the same victim in my case) who was with a nonprofit run by Catholic Charities--they provided free legal representation for victims getting protective orders, etc. They are awesome.
Keep using all those resources out there at your disposal--there are lots of services out there to help, and you just have to ask.
Keep using all those resources out there at your disposal--there are lots of services out there to help, and you just have to ask.
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