Feeling mixed up and no one to talk to
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
NB, I don't know where you are in Illinois, but start with finding the website for your city or county department of health and human services. They may have a number to call, or know about alternatives to energy assistance if you don't qualify.
I second firebolt's church suggestion, too. The church affiliated with my son's day care gave me $200 in grocery store gift cards a couple of years ago during a really, really tough time.
I second firebolt's church suggestion, too. The church affiliated with my son's day care gave me $200 in grocery store gift cards a couple of years ago during a really, really tough time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Call your advocate--she should be able to help with something like this. There are victim services funds and other sources of support.
I'd still file a motion to amend the order so that you have the basic essentials to live. You don't have to have put a support order in there that covers everything you'd get in a divorce, but basic necessities like utility costs are almost always something that can/should be ordered in connection with a protective order. What good is it to get the abuser out of the house if you can't live there?
I'd still file a motion to amend the order so that you have the basic essentials to live. You don't have to have put a support order in there that covers everything you'd get in a divorce, but basic necessities like utility costs are almost always something that can/should be ordered in connection with a protective order. What good is it to get the abuser out of the house if you can't live there?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Lexiecat-
Very very good point here! I was saying yesterday that I understand why women stay in abusive/addictive situations that are horrible when finances are a major concern. I do work but supporting 3 kids and myself is a very difficult position with no assistance in child support etc. Great point to make, I've thought about literally packing all I can and leaving to a shelter for a few weeks (putting all else in storage) and finding a new place. It's still hard though as I have a lady coming to my little apt to watch the baby and I would still have the rest of my bills/food/car payment etc to pay. Credit is suffering too so getting into a new place will probably require at least a double security deposit. So much and my head is spinning. On a good note-the abuser did not show again to pick up our daughter at the Police Station for his 3 hr visitation. It's been almost 6 weeks now with him not seeing her. She is doing great and my kids are all very close and loving so I am beyond thankful for that! Ill give the Victim Advocate a call. I'm in the Suburban area outside of Chicago. I was given a referral to St. Vincent of De Paul so I left messages there too. All I can do is keep trying!
Very very good point here! I was saying yesterday that I understand why women stay in abusive/addictive situations that are horrible when finances are a major concern. I do work but supporting 3 kids and myself is a very difficult position with no assistance in child support etc. Great point to make, I've thought about literally packing all I can and leaving to a shelter for a few weeks (putting all else in storage) and finding a new place. It's still hard though as I have a lady coming to my little apt to watch the baby and I would still have the rest of my bills/food/car payment etc to pay. Credit is suffering too so getting into a new place will probably require at least a double security deposit. So much and my head is spinning. On a good note-the abuser did not show again to pick up our daughter at the Police Station for his 3 hr visitation. It's been almost 6 weeks now with him not seeing her. She is doing great and my kids are all very close and loving so I am beyond thankful for that! Ill give the Victim Advocate a call. I'm in the Suburban area outside of Chicago. I was given a referral to St. Vincent of De Paul so I left messages there too. All I can do is keep trying!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
nb, I know Wisconsin had some struggles w/finding a new place b/c of credit problems, but finally she found one, and then a year later found an even better place! I bet she can offer some insight if you do decide to move.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Its really funny how life goes sometimes..... Another peaceful weekend where the Abuser did not show to pick up his daughter. It makes me sad for her a little but she is so young she doesn't know any better. It was nice, I went to the Salvation Army breakfast where diapers are given to moms of babies 24 months and under and then I signed up for the local food pantry. I am stocked on canned goods galore and I was almost in tears at the pantry as it just seems overwhelming. I am doing this all for my kids. My GF went with me for support and I realized for the first time that I actually really needed her support. At the end of the day she said you know I checked up on "HIM" and he has a girlfriend that he is all happy about on face book. I said that is good. That is exactly why he is leaving the baby and I alone. He is spending his time and money elsewhere. I felt a little angry as my daughter should be getting some financial assistance from him but in his mind- her and I do not exist anymore. He is doing as he did before, putting all his effort into another so he can remarry and have more children so he has the family he wants. This is yet again why I am glad I have the divorce on file and am pushing for child support. He will deny she is his as he tried to do with his first son. I am trying to be humble here and let go and let God. This is a long post, sorry, I apologize. I am needing opinions on a different subject that is all part of my situation. I am having a very difficult getting help with the gas that is shut off. Am I better off pursuing a move into a different place and trying to find a group/charity to assist with a rental deposit? I ask because I still have a very difficult time sleeping at night and wake many times each time I hear a noise thinking it's him. Hopefully in time this will pass. I'm thinking do I break myself completely to pay this gas bill and not pay anything else for a month to continue to be able to live in my place or is this another sign that I need to leave and move? ... I am struggling a bit today.... Thanks all
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, they can come after you for any unpaid bills, even if you move--if that makes any difference.
As far as moving goes, it might help you to sleep better if you know you're in a place he's never been. I'd go ahead and check into your options if you can get assistance for moving. Also, if you do decide to do that, I'd check with the court about keeping your new address confidential. Technically (under normal circumstances) he would have a right to know where his child is residing. But if he's not exercising visitation anyway (which is already set up for a neutral location), it would seem that his "need" to have that information is minimal--particularly since you have a protective order.
I just think you will need to file something with the court to that effect (and maybe serve him with papers). Check with your advocate. I'm just thinking you want to be sure that you don't do anything that could be construed as "hiding" the child.
As far as moving goes, it might help you to sleep better if you know you're in a place he's never been. I'd go ahead and check into your options if you can get assistance for moving. Also, if you do decide to do that, I'd check with the court about keeping your new address confidential. Technically (under normal circumstances) he would have a right to know where his child is residing. But if he's not exercising visitation anyway (which is already set up for a neutral location), it would seem that his "need" to have that information is minimal--particularly since you have a protective order.
I just think you will need to file something with the court to that effect (and maybe serve him with papers). Check with your advocate. I'm just thinking you want to be sure that you don't do anything that could be construed as "hiding" the child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I always think a new start happens best when we can change people, places and things in our lives. If changing your location is important to your recovery then move heaven & earth to make that happen. Check in with charity’s/groups, churches, county assistance if available in your area. I would also contact the gas company and try and work a payment arrangement out with them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
I am trying to get help with the gas bill that is past due. I have called in twice as well as wrote in and have been told, no payment plans are available for my account, it must be paid in full. My mind is all over the place with what is best right now. I an not paying all my bills monthly as I simply do not make enough. That being said, trying to pay an additional bill (gas) is going to make living even worse money wise as utilities and rent and car must be paid monthly. While I decide what to do with moving or not I am learning and investigating all assistance available to me including these food pantries and such. I filled out my financial affidavid for the divorce and it's depressing to see that in order to pay my bills each month I need an additional $1,642. So I am looking to see what I can cut back on and the only thing is groceries which I buy so little of anyways.... Thanks for all the support here....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you talked with your lawyer about seeking pendente lite support? (That's temporary support during the divorce litigation--it doesn't represent the final support that will be ordered). You generally don't have to wait for the final divorce decree to get support--especially when you have a child he's obligated to support. Is he paying that?
Sounds, too, like some serious re-thinking of your budget is in order. Are you paying credit card debt or have student loans or something? Can you work with your creditors to reduce some of your payments? I would check into local social services agencies that work with women--some of them might provide financial counseling assistance.
Sounds, too, like some serious re-thinking of your budget is in order. Are you paying credit card debt or have student loans or something? Can you work with your creditors to reduce some of your payments? I would check into local social services agencies that work with women--some of them might provide financial counseling assistance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Please don't take this as judgmental, b/c I do not live your life or know what your expenses are, but an "extra" $1600 per month on top of what you are already making/paying does sound like a lot. In addition to looking for financial assistance, there might be ways you can economize that you've never imagined...
I'm someone who has always prided herself on being able to live cheap, but recently I've been looking into ways to save even more $$. Google the term "frugal living" and you'll find any number of articles, websites and blogs that might be of use to you. Use that same search term at your local library to find books on frugality in order to save the cost of buying them; your library is a great free resource.
I just posted in the "Infinite Happy Days" thread about a queen-size memory foam mattress I got for FREE (as in, didn't cost a single penny!) from a site/group called Freecycle. Checking into that might be useful for you too--you can view things being offered as well as make requests for things you need. The rules of the group state that all offerings must be absolutely free--no barter, no "contributions", no nothing.
I know it seems like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now and not much is seeming enjoyable, but believe it or not, it can actually be kind of fun to find less expensive or outright free alternatives. The feeling of making a big score this way is GREAT!
I'm someone who has always prided herself on being able to live cheap, but recently I've been looking into ways to save even more $$. Google the term "frugal living" and you'll find any number of articles, websites and blogs that might be of use to you. Use that same search term at your local library to find books on frugality in order to save the cost of buying them; your library is a great free resource.
I just posted in the "Infinite Happy Days" thread about a queen-size memory foam mattress I got for FREE (as in, didn't cost a single penny!) from a site/group called Freecycle. Checking into that might be useful for you too--you can view things being offered as well as make requests for things you need. The rules of the group state that all offerings must be absolutely free--no barter, no "contributions", no nothing.
I know it seems like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now and not much is seeming enjoyable, but believe it or not, it can actually be kind of fun to find less expensive or outright free alternatives. The feeling of making a big score this way is GREAT!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Honeypig- Yes, yes and yes. I have a small creditcard at $300, maxed, car loan of $340 and a student loan they have dropped to the bare minimum of $40 a month. I have an old court payment of $65 that is almost and then the bare min of rent, utilities, gas to drive (been walking a lot more to save on gas and losing weight-yippee) and the big expense is daycare. For my little one it's at just under $1200 a month and that is the cheapest in my area of where I work and several miles out. I am trying to expand my circle of single moms in hopes of befriending a responsible one that is able and willing to watch my little one. As it stands right now, I am behind as you can imagine and the main bills I simply cannot afford on my own. Even with only rent for my tiny one bedroom that I have since maximized on all the square footage for the 3 kids and I, and the daycare, I barely make it. SO that leaves the gas for the car, car payment, electric bill, gas bill, groceries, extras of shoes, clothes etc and other misc stuff. I have over the past year become very frugal and I am headed to the sites you suggested and love your suggestions! It makes me feel there is hope out there and I will survive some how and some way!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Have you looked into assistance with your child care expense? Check with the day care center itself and also check with your town, county and state, there may be something available.
I know my niece qualifies for assistance and her day care expense went from 1600.00 a month to 550 so you never know.
I know my niece qualifies for assistance and her day care expense went from 1600.00 a month to 550 so you never know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Illinois
Posts: 140
Working on assistance for daycare as we speak! Along with Food Supplement program. I am researching and calling around like crazy and on top of it all my bathroom ceiling looks like it's going to cave in. Its leaking again badly and my bathroom rugs are ruined and landlord keeps saying that people upstairs take showers. I just shrugged as I'm looking for places more seriously than ever.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Ha, I had upstairs neighbors like that too at one point in my life. One day the entire ceiling's worth of drywall in my kitchen and bathroom fell down as a result of her continually letting her bathtub run over. The landlord's response was to tell me to clean it up and he'd "take care of things." By the time I moved out several months later, nothing had been done about it...
Keep going, nb! May all the Powers of Persistence be with you!
Keep going, nb! May all the Powers of Persistence be with you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Newbeginnings...I admire your continued efforts...You, obviously, are tenacious!!
do you know what a wonderful character asset that is? It is priceless.
tenaciousness and a positive attitude, in the face of hard times is, often, the most important factor in achieving a goal. (and knowledge, also...knowledge is power)
You have tenaciousness and newfound knowledge...you are going to be a winner!
My dear...I don't know if you have already done this, but, you can try---
since you are in an abusive situation and have kids.....ask the local domestic violence organization to approach the gas company FOR YOU..and they may be able to work something out. I know that the cancer organizations can do that for those who are in a "special" situation and receiving cancer treatments.
Also, contact the staff at your local representative's office (House of Representatives)...you can find that number on the internet under "local government". They can, often, do amazing things that an individual can't accomplish.....
They might also be able to help you find government assistance for childcare..that you don't already know about. Tell them everything!!
After you have gotten the proper legal advice..it might be your best bet to consider moving....Better to live in a refridgerator box and have s ome oeace of mind....
Check out this website...it may enlighten you, some...
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
It covers about every thing involved in divorce. It is educational, in nature, and it is arranged by each state....
Knowledge is power...remember that...lol...
don't give up, girl...you are doing great, in my estimation...
dandylion
do you know what a wonderful character asset that is? It is priceless.
tenaciousness and a positive attitude, in the face of hard times is, often, the most important factor in achieving a goal. (and knowledge, also...knowledge is power)
You have tenaciousness and newfound knowledge...you are going to be a winner!
My dear...I don't know if you have already done this, but, you can try---
since you are in an abusive situation and have kids.....ask the local domestic violence organization to approach the gas company FOR YOU..and they may be able to work something out. I know that the cancer organizations can do that for those who are in a "special" situation and receiving cancer treatments.
Also, contact the staff at your local representative's office (House of Representatives)...you can find that number on the internet under "local government". They can, often, do amazing things that an individual can't accomplish.....
They might also be able to help you find government assistance for childcare..that you don't already know about. Tell them everything!!
After you have gotten the proper legal advice..it might be your best bet to consider moving....Better to live in a refridgerator box and have s ome oeace of mind....
Check out this website...it may enlighten you, some...
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
It covers about every thing involved in divorce. It is educational, in nature, and it is arranged by each state....
Knowledge is power...remember that...lol...
don't give up, girl...you are doing great, in my estimation...
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending big hugs, NB. I just wanted to let you know you're doing great (I know it's rough, but you really are doing good) and wanted offer my experience on this:
Yes. It does pass. Not nearly as fast as one would like, but it does pass. When I left AXH, I'd wake up or start at the slightest noise. I'd get up and double check all of the locks several times each night. Being so short of sleep made dealing with everything else related to AXH that much more draining.
A few things that helped me start to feel better were:
The class was offered through the university police department and I think there was a small fee for it, but once through it, the signed manual becomes a ticket for free practice with any class for the same system. It's also taught at a local moving arts center and their website notes that scholarships are available: "no woman will be turned away." Maybe there are similar programs in your area.
The hyper-alert, jumping-at-any-noise faded away over time. I don't remember when it left, but I remember waking up one morning and realizing I'd slept through the night and had been sleeping through the night for a while.
Originally Posted by newbeginings16 
I still have a very difficult time sleeping at night and wake many times each time I hear a noise thinking it's him. Hopefully in time this will pass.
A few things that helped me start to feel better were:
- taking a women-only self defense class
- sleeping with a baseball bat within reach of the bed
- setting up a bedtime routine to check the house so I'd KNOW the house was locked up
The class was offered through the university police department and I think there was a small fee for it, but once through it, the signed manual becomes a ticket for free practice with any class for the same system. It's also taught at a local moving arts center and their website notes that scholarships are available: "no woman will be turned away." Maybe there are similar programs in your area.
The hyper-alert, jumping-at-any-noise faded away over time. I don't remember when it left, but I remember waking up one morning and realizing I'd slept through the night and had been sleeping through the night for a while.
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