caretaker88

NB16,

I am feeling very sick for you right now. It is that gut feeling that something is not right. If you have an OP, why is he walking by your house? I am very scared for you. Is there any place else you can stay that he isn't aware of so that you and your kids can be safe? How can you be sure that when he has visitation with your baby, that the baby is safe? You already said that he knows that your kids are everything to you, but what are they to him? He is already playing them as pawns in his game. I am going to attach an article from my area about a situation similar to yours. Yes, it is meant to scare you. This is a very scary and dangerous situation.

UPDATE: Munt found guilty of murder, kidnapping charges (VIDEO) | Local News | mankatofreepress.com

LexieCat

Sorry to be late to this thread. nb, I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time, and your situation is, I'm sorry to say, very typical. The protective order means nothing to him, and his actions are manipulation to get himself back into a position to control you.

Please start enforcing the order. It's the court's order, and you can't "void" it by your actions (though you can certainly reduce its effectiveness by sending him the message that it isn't something he needs to take seriously).

A lawyer is a very good thing to have, but lawyers often have little or no knowledge or experience with the dynamics of domestic violence. Please, please reach out to an advocate at your local women's shelter for guidance and safety planning. It's important to enforce the order (and having discussions about "goals" and things is NOT an aspect of the parenting time permitted under the order), but you may need safety planning going forward as you end the contact that you've been having.

caretaker is right--this can be a VERY dangerous situation. And his trips past your house (which I gather is not a route he needs to take) borders on stalking. Please be careful and get some good advice from a professional who deals with these situations every day.

Hugs,

newbeginings16

This is a simple yet meaningful phrase! Thanks much and I can feel the momentum building now. It's like a small snowball that is rolling downhill and getting bigger and bigger as it rolls faster and faster downhill to knock out all that is at the bottom of the hill-LOL

dandylion

newbeginnings....the snowball is great.....
but, I still want to caution you that you need to keep the snowball safe!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

newbeginings16

Caretaker88,

[
Thank you for your reply and thank you for your honesty with my situation. I too have had the sick gut feeling and it scares me as I know something is about to happen. I let him know yesterday that I am filing for divorce and am not up for any more chances as it's unhealthy and unsafe. He first messaged back not to file the divorce, he loved me more than anything, that I owed him the opportunity for one last chance (even though I gave him over 13 chances and 3 separations where we moved back together) and then a few minutes later he messaged that he is done with me and the baby. Said he is changing his number and moving onto someone who really loves him and doesn't waste his time. Here is a message word for word from him "I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone!!!! No more games enjoy your life. Don't contact me again I swear. I'm leaving for good. Kiss daughter for me and she is older she will know u quit on me. Not me. Throw my things away that are left at the house, everything. I don't care or love you no more. U used me. See you in court when I get papers. Sad very sad this had be. Take care.
Throw my clothes out and everything. I don't want it. Throw out when u home later. I want u forget u knew me as I will do. Do not drop off police station. Throw my stuff out as they are cursed. Take care."
Please feel free to comment on this, I need all the feedback I can get. I am headed this week to get the divorce going and I will still go to the police station for the visitation that is tomorrow evening. I am hoping he does not show up and the same for this Saturday as it is his visitation day for 5 hrs. Stomach hurting again here. I asked a friend if I can truly do as he says and throw his things out but she said no, they are his by law and I could get in trouble if he turns around and says he actually does want them back. Now this all is enough in itself and I have to be very careful of watching over my shoulder as he also recently had a separation with his little son. He was staying with grandparents for the summer and he was seeing him after work each day and after a week of that schedule the kid cried and wanted to go all the way back home to his mom so now my soon to be EX doesn't have his son anymore and that happened a few days ago. All this has the potential to lead to a massive personal explosion.

newbeginings16

Lexiecat-I am aware lawyers are not trained in the DV field and are not well versed in all that happens. The lawyer is from a Domestic Abuse agency so I am hopeful that he has some knowledge. That is how I am able to file on the grounds of DV thru this agency.

newbeginings16

I need to be safe first and foremost. I have changed my locks on the doors but I am looking to move soon. I don't have the funds to do so easily so I will need to ask that my next landlord work with me on the first months rent as I will only have the security deposit. This will be a big burden financially and it's hard and an everyday struggle. As far as safety, the police have a copy of the order and my neighbors above are aware of the situation. I lock all my doors and check the area carefully but as I said he does drive by (he has sent messages stating he saw mail in my mailbox and another time that he saw a bike outside my apartment). He is aware of the residence as he used to live there. I am hoping to move within the next month but again financially it is very difficult especially with 3 kids with full time care and the baby's expenses and care costs as well.

MAYA1

Hey I'm sorry for you and your children that you have to deal with this. Honestly, if I had to guess the message is from someone mentally ill but more likely from someone abusing drugs. My ex sent similar messages when on tons of Xanax.

I'm just guessing but I would have thought he relapsed.

Take care

Sunshine1234

My STBXAH sent very similar messages after I left months ago. He continues to harass me everyday even after I tried going NC. I told him yesterday he was being creepy because he drove by my parents house (where I am staying) and texted me questioning whose car was in the driveway. That really made him mad and he said he was going to stop texting me because he's not a creep. We shall see. I'm sure you are doing this already, but make sure to take screenshots of all of your text messages and save them. I agree not to throw his things out and to still show up at the police station on his day of visitation. You want to make sure you will look like you are playing fair in front of the judge. Do you have any family that you could go live with during this time? You have your hands full with the kids and finances. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this!

Berrybean

Works closely with an AA sponsor my arse. This is NOT the words of someone working the steps and taking responsibility for his own actions (past or present).

Sounds like he just thought he was being clever (and typically alcoholic ally deceptive), saying what he thought you wanted to hear. As an A myself, can I say, it's likely he even believed his own BS. I didn't see it as a lie if I was saying stuff to keep 'other people happy '. I thought I was just sparing them the pain of the truth. (What a great gal, eh!!) As soon as I started working the steps, my own dishonesty practically bopped me on the nose. Thing is, like Pratchetts elven folk, he could only maintain this shroud of tenderness while it got him what he wanted immediately. As soon as his will, is thwarted, the shroud disappears and the ugliness underneath is exposed.

Thank goodness you are getting away from this man.

I wish you all the best for your own recovery, and sincerely hope that you find the peace and love that you (and everyone) deserves beyond this horrendous experience.

Sunshine1234

Just curious...are the visits supervised or is he taking the baby to his place after you both meet at the police station?

newbeginings16

Sunshine1234, on Wednesdays he has been taking the baby out to dinner with his sponsor or sister as he only has her for a couple hours.
When he takes on his Saturday (every other) he takes the baby mostly by his parents house as he does not own a car and has to be driven by his family or sponsor (yes he is 38 and hasn't owned a car in many years, he left many cars abandoned or sold when he was in process of being high and needed the money, he did that to 2 of his sisters vehicles).

newbeginings16

Berrybean-
You see my point on him working with a sponsor (still yet to be willing and accept recovery phase). I do think there may be some element of mental illness with him yet abuse is still not accusable. I feel relief to be away from this man and am so proud that I did not cave in and allow him to move back in as I would never have forgiven myself for the sake of my kids and myself. He was always about immediate gratification and having his needs met and if not then hell followed.

newbeginings16

wow caretaker88, that article makes me sick. I know jealously and rage take ahold and murder happens. Im looking for apartments to live in as we speak. Starting to think that I need to go to a shelter for a few weeks and put everything in storage during my process of looking for a new place to live that he is not aware of.

hopeful4

I think going to a shelter for a while would be a very good thing. Please stay safe. Many, many hugs.

newbeginings16

hopeful4,
Thanks for the support. I hate to uproot my kiddos here as they are happy and we have only been where we are for a year and a half and I was finally feeling grounded a bit. I have shelters as an option but wish that didn't have to be the case.

Sunshine1234

Ok...so when he takes the baby from the police station there is another person there with him? A trusted supervisor that stays with him throughout his visit with her? I'm just asking because I'm seeing a lawyer and she said only allow supervised visits until my husband can submit to a clean hair test. My husband doesn't even have a license (it was taken away years ago for back owed child support from his other children...I know terrible!). Anyways, so he's obviously not allowed to drive the kids anywhere and I'm only allowing him to see them at my parents house. When I decide to file I will be requesting to the judge supervised visits until a clean drug test. His behavior has been irritate like your husbands, so I'm not convinced my husband is clean and the fact that he won't take the drug test shows me he's guilty. Just some food for thought...

hopeful4

I understand, however, if he is escalating and it's dangerous, its worth it to seek shelter where there is safety.

Tight hugs for you and your littles.

Berrybean

I don't necessarily think he's any more mentally ill than any other person entrenched in alcoholic thinking . I would be extremely surprised if he is actively doing recovery work. You can go to meetings and have a sponsor without really engaging personally with the program. I know. I did it myself for a ridiculous number of months. I went to meeting and did zip all in between. At the time I'd have told anyone who challenged me that I was 'doing AA'. In the end my head became too painful a place to live, with all the fear, resentment and self-loathing that was in there. Plus, I started to catch myself out being dishonest and lying through omission and realised that I needed to get willing. I was one of the lucky ones, and will be forever grateful to AA and the program and my sponsor for the peace I've found.

Did he tell you he was working with a sponsor? Do you believe him??

newbeginings16

berrybean-
I have seen his sponsor in court with him as well as here and there giving him a ride. His sponsor also buys him things (shoes, groceries, dinners and lunches) on a regular basis. It's odd to me as its more like a best friend relationship but to each their own. He literally doesn't have a hair on his body as he lost it to alopecia years ago, so no way to test there. It makes sense that he may be sober and says he is working really hard but the second he is challenged or especially with me saying no, the processes and hard work seem to have gone right out the window. It's unfortunate but he is an EX convict that has battled with crack and alcohol since he was barely a teen. Along with this he has no respect for women as he has been with hundreds as he viewed as objects, and has been violently abusive his whole life according to his sister who finally let all that out of the bag when she found out the details of why I filed the Order of Protection. There is nothing valuable with this man at this point and it's a shame.
Sunshine1234-
It is not supervised as of now. The lawyer said they will pursue supervised visits based upon abuse and drug tenancies. Right now he ends up having someone with him as he doesn't have a vehicle and that's a good thing as he crashed my last 3 vehicles by being incoherent and on something each time and the last 2 times was when he walked out of work so they were all drinking and on drugs while on the job at that warehouse, scary and insane. If you are concerned for safety then yes push for supervised visits. I personally would love for mine to not have any visitation so I know she is safe and with me or our sitter. I have been told it's difficult to get that in our state but you never know. Thanks for all the love on here!