Question About Thought Process and Acceptance
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Question About Thought Process and Acceptance
Since I haven't been sleeping much I have immersed myself in self help breakup books and articles on acceptance and letting go. I know most are written for the masses but there is such contradictory information. For example:
1. One recommended book says that once you've accepted the breakup and killed all hope of getting back together, use the Stop Thought Technique. Whenever you get a happy or sentimental thought of the two of you holding hands or getting married on a beach or whatever, yell STOP either out loud or in your head and then imagine a stop sign. This will train your brain to stop sending you these thoughts eventually.
2. The second book says the above will only make the thoughts return with a vengeance and instead you need to let them come and sit with them until they go away on their own. But who wants to continuously remember all these happy memories all the time when you are trying to stay strong in your resolve?
Has anyone used either method and what have you found as the most successful way of acceptance?
1. One recommended book says that once you've accepted the breakup and killed all hope of getting back together, use the Stop Thought Technique. Whenever you get a happy or sentimental thought of the two of you holding hands or getting married on a beach or whatever, yell STOP either out loud or in your head and then imagine a stop sign. This will train your brain to stop sending you these thoughts eventually.
2. The second book says the above will only make the thoughts return with a vengeance and instead you need to let them come and sit with them until they go away on their own. But who wants to continuously remember all these happy memories all the time when you are trying to stay strong in your resolve?
Has anyone used either method and what have you found as the most successful way of acceptance?
I'm of the Stop Thought school. Part of my problem is that I can become obsessive and morose and self-pitying. Since ruminating and dwelling on negative things or things I need to resolve within really doesn't solve anything or change the reality (such as with a breakup), I actually DO say "Stop it" out loud. I don't like to torture myself with my own thoughts.
Another technique I've used when something just will not stop popping up in my head is to have a Worrying Time every day. I spend ten minutes - on a timer - journaling about all the thoughts about that thing. Any time during the day that it still pops up, I say to myself, "Okay, think about that in the Worrying Time." Ten minutes a day is enough for me to type out all the venom. I sort of naturally tend to bend toward solutions because I don't like feeling bad, so after a few sentences of negative spewing, I start seeing the solutions and type that out, too. I think we instinctively want to heal. I've found my journal and Worrying Time to be really helpful when something absolutely needs resolution.
Another technique I've used when something just will not stop popping up in my head is to have a Worrying Time every day. I spend ten minutes - on a timer - journaling about all the thoughts about that thing. Any time during the day that it still pops up, I say to myself, "Okay, think about that in the Worrying Time." Ten minutes a day is enough for me to type out all the venom. I sort of naturally tend to bend toward solutions because I don't like feeling bad, so after a few sentences of negative spewing, I start seeing the solutions and type that out, too. I think we instinctively want to heal. I've found my journal and Worrying Time to be really helpful when something absolutely needs resolution.
Gem.....I think it makes a difference of where you are in the process......
Thought stopping may be very valuable when one is in the beginning of the irreversible break-up.....when the urge to reconnect feels overwhelming.....when getting through each hour, or one night, is a battle......
dandylion
Thought stopping may be very valuable when one is in the beginning of the irreversible break-up.....when the urge to reconnect feels overwhelming.....when getting through each hour, or one night, is a battle......
dandylion
I did what bimini did until I was totally through the "acute stage".
After that had passed, I found I was able to let the thoughts come back
and be with them peacefully--feel the feelings and let them go.
So I guess I do both schools, but not together.
After that had passed, I found I was able to let the thoughts come back
and be with them peacefully--feel the feelings and let them go.
So I guess I do both schools, but not together.
Well-said, Dandylion and Hawkeye. I've been away from my last abusive ex for a very long time. I don't spend time thinking about him very often, because what's the point? It's over and done with; and when I do think of him it is attached to a "Danger" feeling.
I would tend to go with the second because as time goes on the thoughts will come less frequently. It is important to work through the emotions and move on.
Since I haven't been sleeping much I have immersed myself in self help breakup books and articles on acceptance and letting go. I know most are written for the masses but there is such contradictory information. For example:
1. One recommended book says that once you've accepted the breakup and killed all hope of getting back together, use the Stop Thought Technique. Whenever you get a happy or sentimental thought of the two of you holding hands or getting married on a beach or whatever, yell STOP either out loud or in your head and then imagine a stop sign. This will train your brain to stop sending you these thoughts eventually.
2. The second book says the above will only make the thoughts return with a vengeance and instead you need to let them come and sit with them until they go away on their own. But who wants to continuously remember all these happy memories all the time when you are trying to stay strong in your resolve?
Has anyone used either method and what have you found as the most successful way of acceptance?
1. One recommended book says that once you've accepted the breakup and killed all hope of getting back together, use the Stop Thought Technique. Whenever you get a happy or sentimental thought of the two of you holding hands or getting married on a beach or whatever, yell STOP either out loud or in your head and then imagine a stop sign. This will train your brain to stop sending you these thoughts eventually.
2. The second book says the above will only make the thoughts return with a vengeance and instead you need to let them come and sit with them until they go away on their own. But who wants to continuously remember all these happy memories all the time when you are trying to stay strong in your resolve?
Has anyone used either method and what have you found as the most successful way of acceptance?
I read this posting earlier today and thought "gosh, good question, I don't know the answer. I'll have to check back in later after I think about it some."
I think, like others have said, that I've used each of the 2 methods at times. I do tend more towards the "be with your thoughts/emotions" side, probably b/c I'm not all that good at permanently stopping the thoughts--they just pop up later when I let my guard down, so I may as well deal w/them when they arise. I found the following on the internet right before XAH actually moved out, when I was the most frightened about being alone, and I printed it out and posted it prominently for myself. It did (and still does) me worlds of good; maybe you'll like it too:
Breathe. You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade, and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
(((Hugs))), Gem.
I think, like others have said, that I've used each of the 2 methods at times. I do tend more towards the "be with your thoughts/emotions" side, probably b/c I'm not all that good at permanently stopping the thoughts--they just pop up later when I let my guard down, so I may as well deal w/them when they arise. I found the following on the internet right before XAH actually moved out, when I was the most frightened about being alone, and I printed it out and posted it prominently for myself. It did (and still does) me worlds of good; maybe you'll like it too:
This Will Pass
Breathe. You’re going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived.
Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade, and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience.
I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.
(((Hugs))), Gem.
For me the stop process included not falsely fantasizing about what the relationship was. While going through the break up my recollections were always distortions of "HOW GREAT" (not) the relationship had been. In truth it was a fantasy of what I wished it to be, not what it actually was.
If it had been so great why did it end? It wasn't great. It was a whole lot of awful with flakes of "great" mostly in the beginning. Its a coping mechanism to make yourself feel better for eating a sh!t sandwich for so long.....at least that's the realization I came to.
If it had been so great why did it end? It wasn't great. It was a whole lot of awful with flakes of "great" mostly in the beginning. Its a coping mechanism to make yourself feel better for eating a sh!t sandwich for so long.....at least that's the realization I came to.
In truth it was a fantasy of what I wished it to be, not what it actually was.
But it is equally true and real that he lied right square in my face countless, countless times. He informed me that I knew "exactly what he wanted me to know, no more and no less." He didn't want to get help b/c if he did, he'd "find out he didn't want to be w/me." And on and on.
So yes, what red says about keeping a balance in your mind is very important, I think. I have kept a (somewhat spotty) journal, and it helps to re-read that sometimes. I've seen others here advised to re-read their old posts, and that can be a real eye-opener, too--sometimes you see where you're going over the same old ground you've covered a year ago, and a year before that...
Most of all, Gem, I want to stress that recovery, in all its forms, is a process. It will take time. It's not just a matter of finding the "right" advice, then putting the info into our heads/hearts and having a change occur right away. It takes time. Someone here once said "Time takes time", and I am always reminding myself of that, too.
I think it's way more about time taking time, actually, than the "right" advice or way of thinking about things...I'm finding that so many times, if I just keep taking one little step at a time, not consciously trying to solve the big problems but just doing the next small right thing, the big problems seem to solve themselves. All I have to do is get out of my own way (easier said than done many times, though!).
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