honeypig

This is an important part of the "letting go" process for me too--I am constantly reminding myself about things that happened and what it really was. Yes, I remember thoughtful and loving things he did for me, and I see concrete evidence of the kind of man he could be when he chose to when I look at the many things he fixed/built around the house. I think about the last time he "confessed" that he hadn't been able to quit drinking yet again; I start to think if I had responded differently, maybe he'd have tried again and succeeded THIS time...

But it is equally true and real that he lied right square in my face countless, countless times. He informed me that I knew "exactly what he wanted me to know, no more and no less." He didn't want to get help b/c if he did, he'd "find out he didn't want to be w/me." And on and on.

So yes, what red says about keeping a balance in your mind is very important, I think. I have kept a (somewhat spotty) journal, and it helps to re-read that sometimes. I've seen others here advised to re-read their old posts, and that can be a real eye-opener, too--sometimes you see where you're going over the same old ground you've covered a year ago, and a year before that...

Most of all, Gem, I want to stress that recovery, in all its forms, is a process. It will take time. It's not just a matter of finding the "right" advice, then putting the info into our heads/hearts and having a change occur right away. It takes time. Someone here once said "Time takes time", and I am always reminding myself of that, too.

I think it's way more about time taking time, actually, than the "right" advice or way of thinking about things...I'm finding that so many times, if I just keep taking one little step at a time, not consciously trying to solve the big problems but just doing the next small right thing, the big problems seem to solve themselves. All I have to do is get out of my own way (easier said than done many times, though!).