Jodie77

I must be brainwashed by the "intimacy." It's what kept me hanging on for far too long.

My emotions are all over the place from feeling intense loss and betrayal to guilt to wanting him back to wanting him out of my life.

Jodie77

Thank you to each of you for your selfless and thoughtful and generous responses. They are invaluable to me, and I will continue to re-read them all...however long it takes for it to "sink."

I have another question. Why do we have to grieve so vehemently yet they get off Scott free emotionally and don't feel this gut wrenching pain of loss? Do they not feel loss???

LexieCat

They feel loss, but they don't feel loss for the same things, or in the same way, as people who are not active alcoholics. An alcoholic's life revolves around drinking, and also around instant gratification. So if those needs are satisfied, they're satisfied. If those are threatened, they look for someplace to run where they can experience them again.

I don't believe it's possible for a non-alcoholic/addict to understand. Their brains are not working correctly and their value systems are skewed.

Do you have to understand the meteorology of "why does it rain" to protect yourself from a thunderstorm? Do you have to understand the psychology of a snake to avoid being bitten? You don't HAVE to understand it--you just need to protect yourself from it.

Jodie77

Lexiecat, excellent!!! Thank you

zoso77

We grieve because we're human. When we lose somebody we love, there is only pain.

When an addict is in the throes of active addiction, they're stuffing their emotions down. They feel very, very little, and that's the way they prefer it. Once an addict gets clean and they feel their emotions full on, it's generally not a pleasant experience for them.

Keep the focus on you and work through the grief and the pain. What you're feeling, I think, is normal, albeit intense.

kudzujean

That's the first time anyone explained that saying so that I could really get it.

Thanks!

Seren

Just keep coming here and ventilating all you need, Jodie! I'm glad you have made an appointment to see about counseling. It has really helped me in the past.

Another thing that really helped me was to write it all out, all the pain, all the anger, and the disbelief, even the rage I felt sometimes. I kept a journal for several months after that break-up, and some pages had GREAT BIG ANGRY WORDS if I felt the need

I hope you will be able to get some rest tonight, Jodie! Take care.

Jodie77

You all are so kind and soooo insightful. A million thank you's.

CodeJob

Glad you have a counseling appt set tomorrow.

May each day put you on firmer ground and understanding to grieve and let this one go.

NWGRITS

You don't truly know intimacy into you have found someone who is compatible with you on a level that an alcoholic could never reach while in active addiction. When you have trust, respect, mutual admiration and genuine live for each other, then you get to experience true intimacy. I had some crazy nights and wild adventures when I was hurting and trying to self-medicate with men, but none of that comes even close to the experience of having someone in my life who adores me, respects me, and loves me the way my husband does (and I him). It certainly didn't happen overnight, though. I did a lot of serious work myself first.

Santa

My XAH never understood the difference between sex and true intimacy. It was one of the core problems in our marriage other than his addiction although the two certainly were related.

Hawks

Ummmmmm, why do you think he drinks?

By the time booze is removing wives, kids, homes etc, we ain't doing it for fun anymore

It's not about being addicted to the booze, never was, and booze is not more important than you or the kids, let's get that misconception tucked away.

Alcohol is self medication....... For what you might ask?

A painful emotional interior.

If you really want to understand what's going on with him, have a listen to this.

XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

NWGRITS

I think that's something that people in general are missing, and I attribute that to the inundation with sex and partying from the media and Hollywood. Not diminishing the way that it goes so deep in relationships with addicts, but most of us probably wouldn't know true intimacy if it reached out and smacked us, because it's just not something we see our hear about. And that contributes even more to the dysfunctional addict/codependent relationship. We get Hollywood Love and Lust, which is nothing at all like the real thing. Learning the difference and being able to recognize real intimacy is something most of us have/had to work for. It's worth the effort, though.

And I'm going to apologize profusely for my typos in my previous post. My phone isn't nearly as smart as it thinks it is.

tomsteve

,

True for me. 37 years of living with the last 23 drinking/ druggin left me with a crapton of emotions stuffed. Then I got sober and out of denial. I was looking at my past for the first time. The horror, disgust, and self hate- I saw all the wreckage I left for the first time- was immense. I don't think I ever hated myself more than after I stopped drinking. Probably wouldn't have stayed sober if I didn't work on my, which,


Is what ya gotta start doing,Jodie- work on you. Ya gotta lotta good resources for the help and time to start.
Have ya happen to have looked at yourself in the mirror lately?
If not, I suggest ya go do it. Right into your own eyes and tell yerself ya love yerself.then keep doing it when your near a mirror.

Jupiters

Hope today is a better day day Jodie
we're all here for you.

redatlanta

Sure alcoholics feel loss they aren't immune to it its what they do with painful emotions that make it appear that they are invincible to pain.

This is a behavior that is not just applicable to alcoholics, its a coping mechanism for many many people to justify their own behavior when in reality the behavior is unethical, or wrong.

An easier metaphor to understand is to think of criminal behavior. Often there is justification in what the criminal is doing based on the victim "deserving" or somehow perpetuating the crime rather than the action being the accountability the criminal. A simple example being someone robbing a rich person because they don't need the money, or that they flaunted their wealth; therefore, they deserve to have it taken from them.

In relationships I see this most often in personifying someone as bad as a reason why the other person has the "right" to annihilate them. Your X presumably was having an affair and treated you horribly walking out on you after 5 years without much explanation and saying really horrible things about you while doing so. There's his justification - you are crazy, you are weak, you have changed, you are dragging him down, you aren't fun, you you you you you you. Now he can go on with is bad self and feel just fine because YOU are a terrible person and thank God he got away from YOU. He owes you nothing because of what you did to HIM.

I takes an awful lot of energy to live a lie, and eventually the house of cards will fall.

Jodie77

Thanks all. This morning is not good but I am trying to cope. I have awful stomach issues, weakness, lethargy. I am shaking on the inside with horrible butterflies in my stomach. I have an appt at 1 pm today w a therapist. God I can't imagine feeling like this for months. His bday is next weekend so I know they will be together as well as valentines day. I feel really sick.

FeelingGreat

Jodie I'm so glad you're seeing someone today. I hope you'll be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is there, and it's not an oncoming train.

Jupiters

I know it's hard - but really try not focusing on what he is doing, when and with whom.
His bday is going to be a gongshow, and I'd be willing to bet she will see a lovely side to him on one of those "celebratory" days.
You just focus on Jodie. That's all you have to do

kudzujean

Amen. When I read what Santa has posted, I thought, a great many people don't know the difference.