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Old 12-29-2009, 03:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Struggling with Sobriety


Right now i am definitely struggling with recovery; my journey through recovery has been filled with relapse, pain and loneliness. I am a 21 year old girl who doesn't feel ready to let go of alcohol. I know that alcohol hasn't made my life great based of past experiences, but it seems like giving up alcohol has isolated me from my friends and took away a "normal" young adulthood. I so badly want to be able to go out to social events or dinner and have a few glasses of wine. Looking back of the past that notion seems insane to even entertain, but i want it so badly that i have begun to believe it: that i can be a normal drinker.

Here is my story:

Back in August of 2008, I was forced to go into a rehab and take a year off of college in order to get “better.” My mother was extremely worried about my behaviors over the past few years… mainly the summer of 2008. I admit, I might have gotten out of control with my drinking and pill use. I would black out everyday after a long night of partying with benzos and alcohol. Even before my use turned into abuse, my suicidal behaviors, depression, anxiety, grief and mood swings were creating distress in my life as well as all of my relationships. Alcohol was definitely not a good thing to use with all of those issues, and I think I was self medication because of the grief of my brother’s recent suicide.
My father died suddenly at the age of 46 from a heart attack in the summer of 2002. I was 14 at that time and I truly believe that I never got over it. Not only did my family fall apart after that, but my only sibling slipped in a dark depression and addition. For 5 years is was painful to watch him and have my mom and my attempts to “save” him fail . He was mentally ill but refused to stop using drugs because he believed they helped him. Well, He ultimately decided to end his like in November of 2007 . He was only 23. I decided, since it was just my mom and I now, to move out of my college dorms and commute from home. I was prescribed Benzos for the anxiety, which I turned out abusing them. I wanted to feel numb because the pain and panic was torture. So, the summer after my brother died was one filled with blackouts and self destruction on my part. When my mom sent me into rehab I believed that the suicidal behaviors and thoughts needed to be taken care of. I also knew that I had a lot of grief to work on from my dad and brother’s death. I never new I would be labeled an Alcoholic… as well as bi polar, borderline, depression and anxiety. I didn’t was to stop drinking. I did not think I was an alcoholic.
I spent 6 months in rehab and returned home in late January 2009. Everything was different. I tried going to meetings but didn’t feel comfortable going so stopped. Over this past summer I started drinking and shortly after my 21st birthday I got a dui and wound up in the hospital for overdosing. After I started my fall semester, I didn’t drink. I started consistently going to my psychologist and psychiatrist weekly. I was busy and motivated to do well in College, and was feeling a lot better. Despite my improved situation, I soon began feeling lonely and abandoned . I have a suspended license and my friends stopped calling me to hang out. Oh also… when I was in recovery my boyfriend of 4 years( a huge support to me) broke up and found a new girlfriend. I admit that I was not a great girlfriend, I was very emotionally abusive to him. So now, my boyfriend has moved on, my friends don’t call me because they are afraid the I will drink and I am completely alone. My Physiatrist had to prescribe me benzos again because my panic attacks have come back . My out of control anxiety is about the loneliness I feel and the fear that I am losing everyone in my life because of my regrettable past actions. I so badly wish I could go back in time and change so many things, because I am feeling so much pain now. I just want to be a “normal” 21 year old able to go out with my friends. It’s so hard to feel like an adult when no one treats me like I am one. My mother keeps my meds and all other pills (including Advil) locked in a safe. I understand why she is afraid, but it just is keeping me in the stunted state of dependence and guilt. I know I’ve made mistakes, but it just seems impossible for me to gain trust from my mom and friends. I don’t feel like I can grow and recover when they wont let go of the past and allow me to become a hopefully responsible happy adult. This situation is causing a lot of pain for me, but I do not even know how to deal with it!
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Old 01-18-2010, 10:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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hi there, i have every empithy with your plight, look at the end of the day, forget about
how your family and freinds will see and judge you, it matters not! you are your own
person, and no doubt in life you are very good at something positive you enjoy doing
well get into it, pursue a career in your chosen talent, forget about everybody else
trying to control your life! be true to yourself and let your natural talent flow!
go on you know you can do it,good luck, and never give up, Ever!!!
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
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If you truly want to feel better help someone else. It will help when all else fails, helping another alcoholic/addict. Get a sponsor, work the program, help someone else who is dying. That is what is happening to you at this moment, I was there too. I was dying and no one would listen, I went to a meeting found some sober people and they told me to shut up and do the work. I was fortunate enough to have people who truly understood me and knew nothing they told me would work unless I got out of myself. Now I have over 10yrs sober and life is still not peachy but it is better then before.
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Change your perspective.

I fully agree with the previous post, although you are young you have suffered and still are much. All life is suffering, accept that, then look for the cause of the suffering, in this case it is alcohol-ISM, the alcohol is but a symptom. the -ISMS can be dealt with by changing your perspective and losing yourself in others by helping them, putting them first, a distraction if you like, me writing to you. This brings about cessation of suffering providing you enlarge your spiritual existence at the same time, a little bit of prayer for others, those who have suffered in Haiti comes to mind.

The reward for thisis ,'enlightenment', simply identified as being good to others and to yourself, right living maybe, okay.

Do this in the smallest way, a day at a time and your life will change spiritually, the rest will follow, resist this and all that will happen is that you will destroy yourself and be no use to anyone, what's more we'll all still be here, why don't yopu join us. Mike.W.
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Old 02-25-2010, 07:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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chance?

Hi. I'm elexed. This is all brand new to me. I am 43, and have had a huge alcohol problem since I can remember. I can honestly say that I am an alcoholic. If I can figure out how to use my computer a little better, I think this is going to be something I want and need.
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Old 02-25-2010, 09:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Wow, just reading what you have written tells me that YOU ARE STRONGER than you give youself credit for.I am a 48 year old guy who struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction all my life I got clean and sober in 2001 but i had been trying to clean up since i was 17 years old. I kept falling over and over again. Like you i didnt want to be an alcoholic or a drug addict and convinced myself a million times i could drink like everyone else.But i couldnt anmd i lived that lie for 25 years and have seriously thrown away most of my life.Please dont do the same thing. Believe in yourself and know that YOU CAN DO THIS. NO its not easy, and anyone who says it is has never struggled with dependancy, but i KNOW YOU CAN STAY with it.I dont know if i can give you my e-mailaddress or not but if i can help in any way please let me know. I am very happily married so this is not some pathetic attempt at picking you up and in fact my wife is very supportive of me reaching out to you. I live in Texas so we are on the same time zone, so if you just want a shoulder to cry on or someone to yeall and scream at let me know. But i know in my heart from reading your post that YOU CAN DO THIS.
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Old 02-25-2010, 10:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome to Sr Birdienpou.

You may want to post an introduction in the Newcomers to Recovery section so people can welcome you. This is somewhat of an old post.
If you are still with us and reading kmfb you may want to do the same. There is more traffic in that area.
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