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Right now i am definitely struggling with recovery; my journey through recovery has been filled with relapse, pain and loneliness. I am a 21 year old girl who doesn't feel ready to let go of alcohol. I know that alcohol hasn't made my life great based of past experiences, but it seems like giving up alcohol has isolated me from my friends and took away a "normal" young adulthood. I so badly want to be able to go out to social events or dinner and have a few glasses of wine. Looking back of the past that notion seems insane to even entertain, but i want it so badly that i have begun to believe it: that i can be a normal drinker.

Here is my story:

Back in August of 2008, I was forced to go into a rehab and take a year off of college in order to get “better.” My mother was extremely worried about my behaviors over the past few years… mainly the summer of 2008. I admit, I might have gotten out of control with my drinking and pill use. I would black out everyday after a long night of partying with benzos and alcohol. Even before my use turned into abuse, my suicidal behaviors, depression, anxiety, grief and mood swings were creating distress in my life as well as all of my relationships. Alcohol was definitely not a good thing to use with all of those issues, and I think I was self medication because of the grief of my brother’s recent suicide.
My father died suddenly at the age of 46 from a heart attack in the summer of 2002. I was 14 at that time and I truly believe that I never got over it. Not only did my family fall apart after that, but my only sibling slipped in a dark depression and addition. For 5 years is was painful to watch him and have my mom and my attempts to “save” him fail . He was mentally ill but refused to stop using drugs because he believed they helped him. Well, He ultimately decided to end his like in November of 2007 . He was only 23. I decided, since it was just my mom and I now, to move out of my college dorms and commute from home. I was prescribed Benzos for the anxiety, which I turned out abusing them. I wanted to feel numb because the pain and panic was torture. So, the summer after my brother died was one filled with blackouts and self destruction on my part. When my mom sent me into rehab I believed that the suicidal behaviors and thoughts needed to be taken care of. I also knew that I had a lot of grief to work on from my dad and brother’s death. I never new I would be labeled an Alcoholic… as well as bi polar, borderline, depression and anxiety. I didn’t was to stop drinking. I did not think I was an alcoholic.
I spent 6 months in rehab and returned home in late January 2009. Everything was different. I tried going to meetings but didn’t feel comfortable going so stopped. Over this past summer I started drinking and shortly after my 21st birthday I got a dui and wound up in the hospital for overdosing. After I started my fall semester, I didn’t drink. I started consistently going to my psychologist and psychiatrist weekly. I was busy and motivated to do well in College, and was feeling a lot better. Despite my improved situation, I soon began feeling lonely and abandoned . I have a suspended license and my friends stopped calling me to hang out. Oh also… when I was in recovery my boyfriend of 4 years( a huge support to me) broke up and found a new girlfriend. I admit that I was not a great girlfriend, I was very emotionally abusive to him. So now, my boyfriend has moved on, my friends don’t call me because they are afraid the I will drink and I am completely alone. My Physiatrist had to prescribe me benzos again because my panic attacks have come back . My out of control anxiety is about the loneliness I feel and the fear that I am losing everyone in my life because of my regrettable past actions. I so badly wish I could go back in time and change so many things, because I am feeling so much pain now. I just want to be a “normal” 21 year old able to go out with my friends. It’s so hard to feel like an adult when no one treats me like I am one. My mother keeps my meds and all other pills (including Advil) locked in a safe. I understand why she is afraid, but it just is keeping me in the stunted state of dependence and guilt. I know I’ve made mistakes, but it just seems impossible for me to gain trust from my mom and friends. I don’t feel like I can grow and recover when they wont let go of the past and allow me to become a hopefully responsible happy adult. This situation is causing a lot of pain for me, but I do not even know how to deal with it!