So confused and sad

Old 06-18-2019, 01:21 PM
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So confused and sad

Hope it is ok for me to post here. If not, my apologies. My husband's most recent addiction is meth. He is not quite 90 days clean. He spent 30 days in rehab. The two weeks prior to going to rehab, and the catalyst for him deciding he needed to go, was worse than I could have ever imagined. He went on a "bender." This was something I never experienced in the past year of meth use or in the other 5 years of prescription pill use. I was warned by other SR members that it could get worse than it was, and boy did it ever. During this time, he found some new "friends" to play with. He was the star of the show. He had a nice car so he could provide transportation (drug runs is what another SR member explained to me it was). He had money, so he could buy food, alcohol and cigarettes for the crowd. And of course he could buy drugs for himself and was giddy once on the phone when he was whispering to me that he couldn't leave because they had free drugs. Well, we all know nothing is free. They rewarded him by stealing his hand gun, watch and iPhone. He managed to figure out who did it and recovered these items.

However, the thing that tore a hole in my very soul is that he ended up having sex with someone he was smoking crack with. (I was warned of this possibility from SR members also.) I understand that meth makes you hypersexualized, but still not a real excuse. He said it was in retaliation for something he thought I did that he now realizes I didn't do. Guess that is part of the paranoia. At this point in time he had been snorting and occasionally smoking meth daily for about a year-didn't know that then, but know that now. He seemed remorseful and said it was not a relationship and drugs was all they had in common. Additionally, I found an email from an Ashley Madison account in his ***** when he went to rehab and he admitted he had been watching porn regularly. He claims he never did anything with the account and scoffed at me saying he had no money and every bit he did have went to drugs.

We have been married almost 25 years. He has always talked bad about people who cheated on their spouse. I confided in one of his friends who lost his first wife to addiction. He was shocked as well as he said my husband was always the faithful one when all the guys would go out or travel.

Since he has come home, he has had what I think is anhedonia. I understand this is common with meth users initially upon stopping. What I thought was confusion from meth now seems as if maybe he has had a cognitive decline from meth use. He also says he realizes he can't concentrate, remember and is having difficulty studying material to go on job interviews. He has no motivation. He is not like the pre-meth man. The real kicker is that he had a text in his phone when he got it back after rehab from the woman he was smoking crack with that he had sex with. He responded to her. He said he felt so unhappy that he thought maybe that would make him happy. He said it didn't. It just made him think about using. When I found out, he had me delete contacts in his phone and changed his phone number and set his phone up so I could see his location. Additionally, he has emailed a woman from rehab. Of course, he claims nothing is going on there and she lives 2 states away. He just wanted to offer support as she is in an abusive relationship. We were separated for 2&1/2 years about 2 years ago. He dated during this time. Always claimed he hated dating. He said people were fake and didn't have good morals. I imagine it took away the cash he needed back then for his pain pill addiction. He claims he was going through his email and found his old Plenty of Fish account and logged on. Said he just looked around. That's all.

Where is the moral compass he once had? Will this get better? Will he again understand and value relationships, the idea of trust, and what true intimacy is? Has meth hijacked his brain or is he just an a$$? He verbalizes that he knows he wants to work on our marriage and stay clean. There are moments he is kind and loving and then the next thing you know, he's completely flat. It's not just me that he is this way with. He hasn't returned calls to his sisters and he's been out of rehab since May 2nd. He is rarely loving with our daughters. He says he doesn't understand why he keeps doing things that would hurt me. His therapist told me he has a hard time right now even identifying an emotion. It's beginning to look like a character flaw. It's taking a toll on my self-esteem. I do have a therapist and I do go to Al-Anon, but I truly struggle with how he gives himself permission to communicate with other women. Sorry for the epistle and thanks for any insight you have to share.
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Old 06-18-2019, 01:41 PM
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Some times ... or it gets to the time ... the only last resource is 'the Ultimatum'.
The ultimatum may sound like just one more time - if you don't straighten up, I'm...

Actually, in my opinion, the only effective Ultimatum is the - I have left and we will NOT see each other again. Or if you have legal standing - You are out, and you will NOT return.

This is the Ultimatum that frees you from being the hostage.
This is the Ultimatum that places the ONLY possibility of reconciliation on the PROVEN changed life ... after whatever time it takes for the Addict to have truly been living a new life, and you find out after you have been living FREE.

I was the addict. I know from my perspective I was NOT capable of being honest with myself, much less than the wife I had taken as hostage, and only knew how to manipulate to be an enabler.

The 12 Steps changed my life, not promises (that I had no internal ability to either mean, or keep) to my wife. Her removal from me was the starting point.

This may not be needed from you, but it sounds like you may need it to be.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:03 AM
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Thanks, RDBplus3 for your honesty. When he first got out of rehab, out of habit, he was applying the steps. Things that he would normally be negative or condescending about, he said he would pray about it /them instead. Of course, he was still void of emotion sometimes, but his response was different than his usual response of retribution. So, I do believe they work if you work them. If only...
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Old 06-19-2019, 01:35 PM
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I went thru rehab, and was dedicated to keeping clean & sober, but life kept happening as it always had, and my old 'automatic default addict behaviors, thoughts, and feelings' crept back in. As the AA book so aptly states, when that took effect in me, I was without defense against the 1st drink (or whatever my addiction may be). Once activated, the power of choice was gone. When my motivation for pleasing my own self thru my progressive addictive behaviors is in effect, I am without defense to act any other way.

After many confrontations with my wife, employer, out-of-control situations, etc, I went back into out-patient rehab. I started using again as soon as I finished that, and knew I didn't have the money to go back ... plus, what would be the use in it?

I was kicked out of my own house and went on a bad run of struggling and using. When it got so bad inside, I knew I couldn't continue with my life, THANK GOD, I turned back to AA. ...Complete surrender to working the program, with direction from a Sponsor, and guidance from people in the Program that I knew, KNEW the Program.

We absolutely have to insist on being vigilant about our own addiction, and our own program. We absolutely insist on being Happy, Joyous and FREE. We absolutely manufacture our own misery.

If your alcoholic/addict spouse is not working the program to be absolutely honest with himself AND YOU - it is like the line from the movie The Titanic. When the engineer was informed that the water was going over the baffles, he exclaimed - It is a mathematical certainty this ship will sink.
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Old 06-19-2019, 05:37 PM
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Hi and welcome heelkat
I'm sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support here.

I have no experience to share myself but I wanted to let you know we also have a family and friends section you may be interested in as well.

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Old 06-25-2019, 11:52 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 175
Dear Sister,
Thank you for the sharing, it is clear you are a woman of great passion and character. I feel the love you express for your husband and your longing to help him. You have done such diligent work to help your husband and standing by him through everything, these are very admirable actions. Keep working and don't give up hope. Stay strong in your spiritual beliefs and cling to your spiritual practice. Keep attending the AA meetings and seek out help and resources wherever possible.
The first comment on here about stepping away from your husband completely until he gets his life on track was a shocking comment initially. After reading it through it gave me a different prospective. I unfortunately don't have much advice for you besides clinging to your higher power. My Drug of Choice was Coke, which is not as much a challenging recovery as Meth, but the path is similar. I do know that the brain has been completely rewired from the use and will take time to heal. If he seems different, it's because he is. His brain was hijacked from the drugs and it will take time for him to get it back and to see you as the powerful Goddess that YOU ARE.
Hard to say about the talking to other women part, but a lot of the others things you mentioned are the direct results of a hijacked mind.
Two things are clear. You both deserve Compassion. You both deserve Freedom. I can imagine what both of you are going through and it is going to wake you up Spiritually to a whole new level of trust and freedom you never thought possible.
I wouldn't have commented on it had I not read it above already, but I feel that the option of stepping away during his recovery process could be looked at. There may be a period of time and process where he needs to be at a distance from you and the family to keep you all sane and free and to give him the time and space to heal.
Let all answers come not from SR, but from the heart, from deep Spiritual practice and trust. Cling to your higher power. Meditate if you can find 5 minutes somewhere. There is an application called Insight Timer. They have guided meditation and meditation courses. They have recordings as short as 5 minutes and after doing many guided meditations you can just start sitting on your own using any number of techniques.
My heart is out to you, so many blessings dear sister.
You could message me if I could help or support in any way.
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Old 04-03-2024, 02:46 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2024
Posts: 5
Heelkat, you are not alone.

RDBplus3: your sharing about your recovery is helpful to me. I adhere to the 12 steps of ACA and it is so helpful for me hear this, as I love someone who is in active addiction. I definitely gave him an's been about a year since. I'm free! I hope he finds his freedom too. I pray only for my higher power's will for me and for the power to carry it out.
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Old 04-14-2024, 01:28 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2023
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First I want to say I'm very sorry you are going through this. I was a drunk for 20 years. Some of those years I was a womanizer. What i did during that 20 years was follow a pattern: have enough bad consequences to quit and go into AA, get a little bit better for a time, go back out. This went on and on. What finally worked for me was repenting and following Jesus. I read the whole bible and now live every day as righteously as I can. I don't view this as just a physical world problem anymore.. Notice how alcohol is called "spirits" and people use phrases about substances like "it's the devil", "the demon got into them", or "they are fiending". I've experienced miracles since asking God for help and i've seen things that can't be explained. I used to think those Jesus people were just inbred ignorant rednecks. I was into death metal and goth music as a young person. I've even been to a Marilyn Manson concert and done many other things that people from my previous life would laugh at my current ideologies. I'm telling you this world is spiritual. Just my opinion people can do whatever they want this is just what worked for me.
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Old 04-15-2024, 09:28 AM
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Hi Heelkat. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds agonizing. Maybe it's time to think about moving on and leaving your dysfunctional, addict husband to his own devices. Sometimes you have to be willing to walk away and it sounds like what you are going through is pretty bad.
Sending you love and prayers. Hope some resolution can be found.
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