Need some guidance and help
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,889
Originally Posted by haennie 
Hey AO.
So in summary, my suggestion is space. Perhaps you could even schedule honest "recovery discussions" with your husband. Like get together for a quiet meal, walk, or something with the specific purpose of discussing the concerns and progress of each of you, once in a month or something. Maybe more often in the early days. I know that if I were in a relationship with another recovering addict, I would love to do this. But the two of you don't need to be fused and overly dependent on one-another.
Best wishes to you
So in summary, my suggestion is space. Perhaps you could even schedule honest "recovery discussions" with your husband. Like get together for a quiet meal, walk, or something with the specific purpose of discussing the concerns and progress of each of you, once in a month or something. Maybe more often in the early days. I know that if I were in a relationship with another recovering addict, I would love to do this. But the two of you don't need to be fused and overly dependent on one-another.
Best wishes to you
Yes, oftentimes I'm not sure where I end and he begins. We have been together for SO long, he knows my winter dance, spring, summer and fall. I thought I knew his, but it turns out pill addictions come with a whole host of other baggage due to their being difficult to procure.
It's not like he can run to Walgreens and just grab some vicodin. So theres so much sneaking and planning and doctor shenanigans. This all has made me realize someone who I thought I knew so well, for 30 plus years, is somewhat of a stranger.
In my years of attempting recovery, we have spoke at length about MY addiction. He said to me a few months back, in all our years together, it is like I can actually see YOU for the first time, now.
I guess that's what not being booze soaked will do. Bring out your truest of colors. And we have grown up together.
He's really trying, and I'm really grateful. He's my very best friend and always has been.
I owe him the strength and guidance to help him see HIMSELF.
We are going to do this.
God willing.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Hi AO:
Were y'all using alcohol and opiates when y'all first got together? Or started later in your marriage?
You've both been using/drinking for so long now y'all really don't know each other! Even though you've been together so closely for so many years you've both been more focused on the next fix/drink!
My own world revolved around my pain med use! I had to take a pill or four for everything I did or anywhere I went. If I ran out of pills? I didn't go anywhere and had a really tough time getting things done around the house. My life is so much easier now that I'm off the crap! I'm able to focus on multiple things now and not have to worry about my next round of pills to keep going!
Sounds like y'all both are seeing the light now! It's a true awakening to the mind when it clears from the fog! I was smiling reading the latest news posted! You don't sound angry anymore! You sound hopeful and determined with love in your heart!
Good Going!
TOD
Were y'all using alcohol and opiates when y'all first got together? Or started later in your marriage?
You've both been using/drinking for so long now y'all really don't know each other! Even though you've been together so closely for so many years you've both been more focused on the next fix/drink!
My own world revolved around my pain med use! I had to take a pill or four for everything I did or anywhere I went. If I ran out of pills? I didn't go anywhere and had a really tough time getting things done around the house. My life is so much easier now that I'm off the crap! I'm able to focus on multiple things now and not have to worry about my next round of pills to keep going!
Sounds like y'all both are seeing the light now!
It's a true awakening to the mind when it clears from the fog! I was smiling reading the latest news posted! You don't sound angry anymore! You sound hopeful and determined with love in your heart!Good Going!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Yes I agree. At first I felt you were very angry with your husband and probably for good reason. My hubs doesn't have an addiction but that doesn't mean he isn't annoying at times and that I don't feel anger at times toward him! Lol So I can just imagine his having an addiction makes it even tougher. But I see where your anger turned into hope and I think that's a wonderful thing. Leaving or divorcing your partner isn't always the answer it's not even a good one. It may seem simple but it's not. As someone who's lived through a divorce and a horrible custody trial I can say it's best not to be too quick to throw your marriage down the drain. You will be surprised at whatever lesson you need to learn with this relationship...it will come back to haunt you in your next relationship...so you will still need to learn that lesson and that is all I'm going to say about it. True my first husband was an alcoholic....true, he was abusive....so I had no choice but to divorce. If you are in an abusive relationship then you should leave.....run is more like it! But if not and there is still hope then all you can do is try. There is a secular family section that discusses a book which I have found helpful in my own life. In more than one area too. I'll link it for you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,889
Yes, the anger has subsided.
Which I am eternally grateful for bc I don't do conflict. It really takes a toll on me. Some people seem to thrive in volatility. I just shrink to a blob of goo.
He has come clean about his usage and it's frequency. It was worse then we both even realized. He's a good man. A wonderful man. He's a gift and a blessing to everyone in his life. I'm his biggest fan. And his biggest cheerleader. He can do this. He deserves to know his potential. And those GD pills were sucking out every bit of life from him.
Every. Bit.
In answer to your question TOD, I was born addicted to alcohol. My mother was hungover from Martinis the night she delivered me. I screamed in the nursery for 3 days. But no one knew about fetal alcohol syndrome 45 years ago. So they just thought I was "fussy".
I don't exibhit the outward signs of it, but neurologically I'm kinda f Ed. I have always been a hot anxious mess. The booze worked to make me feel normal for a long long time.
Long story longer, i started drinking when I was about 4. I realized that whatever was in mommys cup was making her crazy. So I would hurry up and down it when she would stumble to the bathroom. I did that for years and years.
Then when I was 15 I found my sister dead so my alcoholism took off like gangbusters then.
My boyfriend at that time, is my husband of 20 years.
So no, he had never known me sober.
Nor have I.
Which I am eternally grateful for bc I don't do conflict. It really takes a toll on me. Some people seem to thrive in volatility. I just shrink to a blob of goo.
He has come clean about his usage and it's frequency. It was worse then we both even realized. He's a good man. A wonderful man. He's a gift and a blessing to everyone in his life. I'm his biggest fan. And his biggest cheerleader. He can do this. He deserves to know his potential. And those GD pills were sucking out every bit of life from him.
Every. Bit.
In answer to your question TOD, I was born addicted to alcohol. My mother was hungover from Martinis the night she delivered me. I screamed in the nursery for 3 days. But no one knew about fetal alcohol syndrome 45 years ago. So they just thought I was "fussy".
I don't exibhit the outward signs of it, but neurologically I'm kinda f Ed. I have always been a hot anxious mess. The booze worked to make me feel normal for a long long time.
Long story longer, i started drinking when I was about 4. I realized that whatever was in mommys cup was making her crazy. So I would hurry up and down it when she would stumble to the bathroom. I did that for years and years.
Then when I was 15 I found my sister dead so my alcoholism took off like gangbusters then.
My boyfriend at that time, is my husband of 20 years.
So no, he had never known me sober.
Nor have I.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Yes, the anger has subsided.
Which I am eternally grateful for bc I don't do conflict. It really takes a toll on me. Some people seem to thrive in volatility. I just shrink to a blob of goo.
He has come clean about his usage and it's frequency. It was worse then we both even realized. He's a good man. A wonderful man. He's a gift and a blessing to everyone in his life. I'm his biggest fan. And his biggest cheerleader. He can do this. He deserves to know his potential. And those GD pills were sucking out every bit of life from him.
Every. Bit.
In answer to your question TOD, I was born addicted to alcohol. My mother was hungover from Martinis the night she delivered me. I screamed in the nursery for 3 days. But no one knew about fetal alcohol syndrome 45 years ago. So they just thought I was "fussy".
I don't exibhit the outward signs of it, but neurologically I'm kinda f Ed. I have always been a hot anxious mess. The booze worked to make me feel normal for a long long time.
Long story longer, i started drinking when I was about 4. I realized that whatever was in mommys cup was making her crazy. So I would hurry up and down it when she would stumble to the bathroom. I did that for years and years.
Then when I was 15 I found my sister dead so my alcoholism took off like gangbusters then.
My boyfriend at that time, is my husband of 20 years.
So no, he had never known me sober.
Nor have I.
Which I am eternally grateful for bc I don't do conflict. It really takes a toll on me. Some people seem to thrive in volatility. I just shrink to a blob of goo.
He has come clean about his usage and it's frequency. It was worse then we both even realized. He's a good man. A wonderful man. He's a gift and a blessing to everyone in his life. I'm his biggest fan. And his biggest cheerleader. He can do this. He deserves to know his potential. And those GD pills were sucking out every bit of life from him.
Every. Bit.
In answer to your question TOD, I was born addicted to alcohol. My mother was hungover from Martinis the night she delivered me. I screamed in the nursery for 3 days. But no one knew about fetal alcohol syndrome 45 years ago. So they just thought I was "fussy".
I don't exibhit the outward signs of it, but neurologically I'm kinda f Ed. I have always been a hot anxious mess. The booze worked to make me feel normal for a long long time.
Long story longer, i started drinking when I was about 4. I realized that whatever was in mommys cup was making her crazy. So I would hurry up and down it when she would stumble to the bathroom. I did that for years and years.
Then when I was 15 I found my sister dead so my alcoholism took off like gangbusters then.
My boyfriend at that time, is my husband of 20 years.
So no, he had never known me sober.
Nor have I.
I'm truly sorry for your loss of your sister at such an early age!
Isn't it interesting at how we at such young ages try to fix things? Or learn about things. My dad smoked. My mom didn't. My dad used those wooden match sticks. He'd leave the cigarette butts and match sticks in the ashtray. Mom would catch me sniffing the ends of them. Inhaling them is more like it. When mom was pregnant with me? She wanted to smoke soooo badly, but dad never let her. Hmmmmmm Could this be why I started smoking at the age of 13 and haven't stopped? I'll be 55 at the end of this week too.
Dad was the drinker and pill popper in my immediate family! Mom doesn't take anything! She's 75 now! I followed dad around like a little puppy too. Always watching him in everything he did. He was a jolly skinny man! He could do and fix anything. He retired as an electrician! Ppl were always coming over to stay hours with him to work on things or just to sit and visit. My Uncle at dad's funeral pointed at me and told my husband: "That's another insert my dad's name right there!" My husband agreed 100% with him! LOL
I've been married four times and divorced three times! A ton of BF's in between them. As CleaninLI said above: It's damn hard going thru a divorce and starting over. I'm glad you've changed your mind on that status! We do some stupid things when we are angry. I don't like disruption or disputes either. I have several of them around here with my husband though. He's Italian and has that stubborn hard headed temper to go along with it. He also gets moody and sullen when I point out he's done wrong and don't try to blame it on me! He too is a wonderful person that everyone loves. But when he's got that pain pill stewing in his bloodstream? ARGH! I just want him to go to his barn until it's time to go to bed. I don't want any part of it!
I'm happy with where I'm at now! Negativity can be handled and dealt with in reasonable ways. But when trying to deal with it when someone isn't all there? In a fuzzy haze? Forget it! It just gets us both pisssed off at each other. Distance is what keeps peace around here.
TOD
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,889
He is still sober. There is a spark in his eye that I haven't seen for so long. His gentleness and compassion has returned. He faced a major obstacle yesterday and triumphed.
THIS is the man I remember. That HE remembers.
I missed him so much and am so grateful to see him again.
We are doing this.
THIS is the man I remember. That HE remembers.
I missed him so much and am so grateful to see him again.
We are doing this.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,889
We are really doing this.
He is sober for a month, I am sober for 70 days.
A friend of ours bought us matching string bracelets that we wear to remind us of our commitment to ourselves. And to each other.
He told me that what is keeping him strong is knowing if he fails, chances are I will give up as well. Funny, that what's keeping me strong right now.
I couldn't seem to make the commitment to myself stick. But for him, I can. How strange is that ?
Whatever it takes to get you through the day.
What a ride.
He is sober for a month, I am sober for 70 days.
A friend of ours bought us matching string bracelets that we wear to remind us of our commitment to ourselves. And to each other.
He told me that what is keeping him strong is knowing if he fails, chances are I will give up as well. Funny, that what's keeping me strong right now.
I couldn't seem to make the commitment to myself stick. But for him, I can. How strange is that ?
Whatever it takes to get you through the day.
What a ride.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Awesome, AO 
I really like this last post of yours. I also tend to get a lot of inspiration from doing things together with someone I click with and care about. Remember that you can tackle this in any way also, as an individual
I really like this last post of yours. I also tend to get a lot of inspiration from doing things together with someone I click with and care about. Remember that you can tackle this in any way also, as an individual
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