finaltime

Wow, welcome. That had to be hard to be so honest. What are you going to do to quit? I am pretty sure your son finding you hitting a crack pipe will be your bottom, and it will be not an option to every use again. I know if I my child found me hitting a pipe it would never leave my mind again ever, and I am sure it won't leave his. But if he sees you going to meetings daily or checking into rehab, and he should even go to alanon meetings, that will make you and him feel better. Wow, I can't imagine, and this helps me as well as I am a user (pills and booze and coke) but never have hit a crack pipe. Not yet anyway

Welcome and hang in there. You coming here and being so honest is a huge first step. Hang in there and please please please get the help you need!

JustMeg

So glad you walked away from that situation yesterday candyshopper. Good job! How are you doing today?

CandyShopper71

I'm doing great today - having a good think about the stupid things I have done in the past, all for a high on coke. Also, about all the money I have spent etc., and how disgusting it is, and actually....it was all so boring really.

As long as I keep thinking like this, I will stay away from cocaine.

I know it's not going to be easy and in the future, I am going to be tempted, but I am going to fight it so hard.

Hope you are having a good day JustMeg.

JustMeg

Good for you, you have a great reason for staying clean and we're all right behind you. My day started off rubbish and I had a few tears and a bit of rage but it's getting better...my family have offered to do something nice for me and my daughter and I just had a nice chat with her as well and as always she made me laugh. Have had a good online meeting and it helped to listen to others' stories

JackieC

I'm 42 as well and my kids were the reason I finally was able to quit. I've never done harder drugs but as we know, addiction is addiction is addiction.

The freedom that comes to you now that you are done with all the secrets and lies will amaze you. The guilt and the shame will start to recede, slowly, and you'll see why it's all worth it.

However, that's not enough to get you through it. Neither is you reminding yourself of all the mistakes you made and the money you spent -- you need more than that. You do. So start your research today and get support. Meetings, an outpatient program, a counselor -- take some action. It will help you and it will show your son you mean this. Give him THAT memory so that it will shine brighter than the memory of catching you in your room the other night. Give him the gift of memories of a mother brave enough to take the actions necessary to crawl out of those trenches and do the right thing for herself and her son. That's what he needs.

You will love the community here. Keep coming back. Let us know how you are doing.

Jackie

JustMeg

What a great post Jackie. Good advice, thank you

JustAYak

Glad you getting clean. I live with father until 17, caught him do drugs many times. I found dead one day when get home from school, this largely due heroin. 22 years old now. I don't think much else to him...just that he heroin junkie. I hope son doesn't have find you dead. I hope he doesn't think you only drug addict in future like I think my father... Don't let him play "parent" for you...not fair him. I tell that by him give you order to stop, take responsibility in throw your sh*t away, he already feel responsible for you. He is NOT. He feel like he "fix you" but he cannot, it messes with mind when you fail and child cannot fix like we think we can. He may need guidance that in future (or now). Only you stop, he got not much do with it. He get be child...no child (young or old) should have seem parents do drugs. No child should act as parent to own parent.

Good luck! You on right road

(Please excuse language, health problem screw speech/write)

Bob36

I remember breaking the bond with my coke friend and getting abusive texts. It was alarming at first- then it started just looking like Gollum from Lord of the rings having a fit over preciousssssss
..Once I got that image in my head, It really helped.

CandyShopper71

It will help me in the long run - I will never associate with so-called friend ever again. So, it did me a very big favour. The cheek of some people.....

CandyShopper71

BLESS YOUR HEART, JustAYak.

CandyShopper71

UPDATE: Hi everybody

Just an update to let you all know that I have not touched cocaine since posting on here and it feels so good to do better things with my money, such as pay bills and buy nice food. Also, it goes without saying, I feel so happy about the happy atmosphere in my home for the sake of my son.

BUT, I have been feeling very tempted to buy "just the one" and I'm feeling it will relieve my boredom - my brain has been telling me over the last few days how boring my life is and how much fun it will be to get "just the one".

I researched a local drug counselling session which I will be joining this Thursday but in the meantime I must be honest and admit I have been getting a serious craving to have "just the one".

This getting off cocaine affair is proving more difficult than I thought.

suki44883

Is it worth losing your son?

Impurrfect

CS - think it through. If you're anything like me, there was NEVER, EVER just one. All it did was make me want more, more, more.

It doesn't change after clean time, trust me. If you use, not only will you want more, you will feel horrible about letting yourself and son down, you will beat yourself up and from that point, it's often hard not to say "WTF, I already messed up" and keep going.

Trust me, the cravings will pass. If it helps, tell yourself "yeah, I want it but not going to do it today. If I still want it (tomorrow, next week, whatever), maybe I will. Then when the next craving comes up, put it off. Every time a craving comes up, put it off.

It worked for me. It's not like i didn't know where to get crack and it wasn't going to have disappeared in a week or even 6 months. My time limit was 6 months and it didn't take half the time before I knew I never wanted to use again.

Hang in there!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CandyShopper71

God, No.

I must speak to the counsellor on Thursday about this boredom feeling I have been getting. I can't seem to get any fun out of things anymore. It's as if my brain tells me everything will be ok if I'm coked up which, in fact, makes you end up feeling even more bored than you did in the first place.

I've made a list of things "to do" tomorrow - I am stuffing my days up with things to do so I can get away from this boredom thing. I saw an advert in the local charity shop today "volunteers needed". I'm popping in there first thing tomorrow morning to offer my services, anything to fill up my time. This craving for let's face it, a pile of ****, is doing my head in.

CandyShopper71

That's what I'm like - MORE MORE MORE.

I tell you what does help me - with this Internet banking that is available now, I get online and pay out on bills as much as I can, so then I have no money to buy any!!

To be honest, I never thought giving up would feel so boring. I wish I could get back to the way I used to be. I came through my twenties and thirties without bothering about alcohol or drugs. I was a contented little thing - happy with a book in my hand or listening to music, maybe walking around a museum.

Taking coke has made me feel so bored with those things now.

suki44883

This is an excellent idea. Volunteering is a wonderful way to spend your time and it will make you feel good, too.

Impurrfect

The boredom thing will hang around for a while. You've gone from a life that involves doing something illegal, something you don't want anyone to know about, there's secrecy, the high, the coming down...all that takes up 99% of our minds and energy.

I agree with Suki - Volunteering is a great way to get out of yourself. I didn't listen to everyone here about that, until a couple of years ago when I found myself with too much time on my hands. I got a volunteer job at a senior center, working the lunch we served. Had a blast, met a lot of great people.

Got a job through contacts I knew there. Now, I have so much to do, I can't remember what bored feels like, but I really do miss my volunteer job.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

CandyShopper71

Thank you. I've made a decision that I am going to work my fingers to the bone occupying myself. I'm going to do this voluntary work, target all the chores around my home I've been putting off, and get into some cooking - make some lovely home-cooked meals for my son. Also, get into some more exercise/walking.

I don't mean to keep repeating myself but this boredom thing is doing my nut in.

First thing tomorrow morning, I'm over the charity shop!! Also, I'm going to spend every penny in my possession on bills, so then I have no money to even entertain the thought of drugs.

UPDATE: I have disconnected myself from my cocaine-acquaintances.

CandyShopper71

Doesn't it just! Not to mention the hours waiting for the dealer - there were times I could of got myself to Peru or Colombia and got the stuff myself. LOL.

CandyShopper71

UPDATE: Oh, and a big thank you to everybody on here - you are the most interesting people I have ever encountered on the web. Your kindness in your replies has been extremely gratefully received.

Bless you all.