FMTT

A month folks. Yesterday was a whole freaking month free from opiates for me. Sometimes I can't believe I made it this long after a 10 year non-stop narcotic bender. I don't have any pearls of wisdom here. Just my experience. Do I feel better? Most of the time. Am I happy as hell to break the chains that bind? Most of the time. Does the dope still talk to me regularly to tempt me back in the hole? A lot of the time. I'm not trying to be funny here folks but seriously, I believe the hardest part of any kick is the games that our brains play with us. For a long time after we quit our DOC. Some say it lasts forever. The subtle temptations that is. After a whole month my insomnia is only barely getting better and today I actually woke up at 4am without destroying my toilet. I'm not complaining cause I know that I wreaked havoc on my whole body and mind this past decade. The legitimate pain I experience is becoming more tolerable and everything all around seems to be slowly getting back to pre-dope normalcy. This is a head game endurance though because I am regularly presented with thoughts of how just half a Lortab makes sense. That's crazy isn't it? After the first 10 days of WD hell you'd think that I'd wanna steer way clear of that mess again. This PAWS crap ain't no joke though. It comes at you from different angles. Most of the time unexpectedly. My experience? Freedom from opies (or any DOC) can be accomplished by anyone but you better damn well really want it. I did and still do. What a ride folks! What a ride.

JadeAngel

I have a chronic pain condition and was stunned when handed two powerful pain scripts, when my main goal for going to pain management was to get a shot. I saw how my body, mind, and soul started to become dependent on the opiates. I remembered my past..how much I loved life and how I have become..finding it quite okay if I had passed, feeling I had accomplished so much already --not wanting to live with chronic pain especially with pain meds....I awoke with a new attitude 3 weeks ago...I take nothing but a multi-vitamin. I have kicked so many illnesses by not owning them and I am going to do the same now..for I AM IN CONTROL..opiates give that FALSE sense of wellbeing...AND IT IS SO FALSE...I know that it will be awhile to feel normal again and yes, it frustrates the bjeebies out of me but I am one stubborn human being...as most of us are..right? It's amazing..addicts get what they want..well, decide you want a better life..focus on what it is you want..and do it..I am...I am sure we all can....

FMTT

Just checking back in with an update on my status with just a little over 9 weeks clean from opiates. I just read through some of my early posts and got a dose of gratitude just for not feeling like crap because of dope withdrawal. That's not to say all has been rosy in the junk-free zone either. Allow me to chronicle my experiences thus far, listed in no particular order.

The insomnia has gotten better, barely. I average still only about 5 hours sleep a night. 6 on a good night. I'm grateful for that but I'm patiently waiting for a real, honest, natural 8 hours of shut eye. On a side note I'll say that the long road to complete recovery from all these weird symptoms that persist is probably why so many people go back out. One day it just "feels better to use" while disregarding the consequences. So far, despite a rocky road, I've been able to concentrate on the long haul.

Energy. Oh, the lack of energy and motivation! I was hoping for more actually after 2 months but it persists. I wouldn't call it full blown anhedonia yet but I wake up at 4am fully refreshed and it's quickly downhill from there. That's not to say I'm stuck in lethargy because I stay plenty active with family responsibilities and such but I have to continually push myself from within. Sometimes it's pretty overpowering but like all the other crap I'm gonna talk about, I recognize this stuff as remnants of the wreckage that I caused. So if I'm to stay free of opiate bondage, I have to suck it up. I'm sure this is a big time trigger for folks too. It is way important to stay busy when recovering from junk but that is difficult when ones e

FMTT

Stupid iPad. I'll try this post again since I wasn't able to edit.

Just checking back in with an update on my status with just a little over 9 weeks clean from opiates. I just read through some of my early posts and got a dose of gratitude just for not feeling like crap because of dope withdrawal. That's not to say all has been rosy in the junk-free zone either. Allow me to chronicle my experiences thus far, listed in no particular order.

The insomnia has gotten better, barely. I average still only about 5 hours sleep a night. 6 on a good night. I'm grateful for that but I'm patiently waiting for a real, honest, natural 8 hours of shut eye. On a side note I'll say that the long road to complete recovery from all these weird symptoms that persist is probably why so many people go back out. One day it just "feels better to use" while disregarding the consequences. So far, despite a rocky road, I've been able to concentrate on the long haul.

Energy. Oh, the lack of energy and motivation! I was hoping for more actually after 2 months but it persists. I wouldn't call it full blown anhedonia yet but I wake up at 4am fully refreshed and it's quickly downhill from there. That's not to say I'm stuck in lethargy because I stay plenty active with family responsibilities and such but I have to continually push myself from within. Sometimes it's pretty overpowering but like all the other crap I'm gonna talk about, I recognize this stuff as remnants of the wreckage that I caused. So if I'm to stay free of opiate bondage, I have to suck it up. I'm sure this is a big time trigger for folks too. It is way important to stay busy when recovering from junk but that is difficult when ones energy and focus are in the basement. This is mostly a mental thing because I CAN do anything I put my mind to, I just really have to put my mind to it. An idle mind is the devils playground and I continue to keep that to a minimum.

OK, how about some positive stuff? Well, my general outlook on life in general is markedly improved at this point in time. I'm still very disappointed at the direction much of our world is taking but that's out of my control anyhow. I guess I actually care now. When I was oped up I really didn't care about much. I thought I did but my true emotions and thoughts were veiled in a narco stupor. Now, at 9 weeks clean my emotions continue to bubble to the surface at the strangest times. Watching the majesty of an athletes dedication or watching a dog food commercial, sometimes I'll just start crying. Weird stuff but like I said earlier, my wiring is still off and may be for some time to come so there's no sense in whining about my crying. Just being at a point in my life where I am no longer a slave to any substance is the source of a sense of empowerment that I can't really describe. There was alcohol, tobacco, other drugs and finally opiates that taught me the price of excess. Somedays the world still seems pretty bleak through my eyes but freedom from bondage always makes me smile.

Good luck and power on people. This is a tough one to beat for sure. I'm not sure if I'll ever completely be out of the woods with this stuff but over time there is improvement. Marked and recognizable improvement in the general quality of life, despite all the challenges that remain. It can be done but the backslide can be subtle too. Thoughts of opiate "reward" regularly invade my thoughts. Beware the sweet whispers of panacea because they are surely lies to tempt you back into the dungeon.

liv1ce

We have "talked" before and I remain slightly ahead of you at just under 90 days. For me the insomnia remains the bugaboo but I, like you, am getting 5-6 hours per night and am grateful for very few completely sleepless nights. I actually had one night in which I went to bed at 9:00 and slept until 7:00 the next morning. The problem was that I was so energetic after that I didn't sleep the next night so it evened out in the end.

I also awaken at 4 AM full of energy and nowhere to go but by the time I go to work the tank is empty. I blame mine in part due to the fact that I am still in poor physical condition. I badly need to begin some type of exercise but then don't have the energy.

I have been able to revive my woodworking hobby and that has energized my imagination and has carried over to the project at hand. I just have trouble getting started.

I have nearly daily exposure to my DOC oxy but have been able to turn away without difficulty. For that I am truly grateful.

I also went cold turkey and feel it is the way to go.

Life is good without that shiit. There were so many things I thought I wouldn't be able to do without being high that I enjoy quite thoroughly sober. I am also grateful for that.

lostgirl25

FMTT - Just read all of your posts and like your determination and strength. I'm about to reach 9 months and this was one of those days I was feeling smug and and giving myself way to much credit for getting clean on my own. Glad I checked this board. The reality hit me that it will be a long time before I can ever put my guard down (if ever). After 9 months I'm getting 6-7 hours sleep a night and working full time and taking care of my child. My goal now is to gain back the trust of my family. They have stood by me but I know it is too soon to expect them to trust me completely.

Life is good and you are helping many by chronicling your recovery journey.

finaltime

FMTT, it is great to read through your posts, and to see how far you have came. I am proud of you, and you be proud of yourself too. The lack of sleep used to get to me as well. I know the withdrawal process from opies so well that when I would make it to 5am I knew I was getting better!! Pretty soon it would be 6am, then 7! Your body is still healing. I know I would wish it could heal so much faster, but when I think about the 7 long years of daily pill popping, I realize. I am going to be at 6 months pill free this August 15. I feel amazing, each day a little better. Now I need to make sure I remember what it was like when I was going through the worst of it, so I do not slip up. My brain still likes to think about pills every so often. Keep posting, and drink a cup of sleepy time tea before bed, it always helps me.

FMTT

Almost three months clean. Not much to say actually but Hallelujah! I got almost 7 hours sleep last night. Woo Hoo! I was very tired last night and actually experienced jimmy legs again. That was kinda weird but I am so happy to no longer be dope sick and waiting for my next dose. Freedom is not free. It's damn hard work but the rewards really start paying off when one builds a good head of steam in recovery. Lots of work left to do but with each passing week I get more energy and peace of mind. The pills are still very available but their whispers are becoming more mute as time goes on. Lots of problems still in my life and in my head but I'm getting my mind and soul back. It's all good from there. Peace and strength to everyone out there. This 10 year dope head continues to rejoice in the freedom that only comes from putting down the mental crutches and living life on life's terms. To those still struggling, trust me, it will get better. Just don't give up on yourself and prepare to be amazed at how great a life can be.

FMTT

I just read this old post of mine. I almost didn't remember how messed up I was when I first came around here. Over six months of opiate freedom now so here's another update.

I'm getting only about 6 hours of sleep a night. It's good restful sleep though and I wake up refreshed and ready for a new day. Unlike my addicted days when I would wake up hating life and had to pop a pill just to even approach feeling normal. I don't miss that. Even though I was retired at the start of this adventure, I have since picked up another job for financial reasons. It's working out well so far. I have to be at work early in the morning so getting up without an alarm clock at 4:30am is very convenient. The jimmy legs are gone. I don't miss them either. I still get sore legs at the end of a busy day but nothing like RLS.

My appetite is better but still not voracious. I don't eat as much as I did in my pre-dope days but I'm ten years older too. I do enjoy food now. I just eat enough to get me full and I'm good. My son doesn't call me the "human garbage disposal unit" anymore and I don't wake up with dry heaves anymore. I don't miss that stuff either. The anhedonia and lack of energy in my early kick days seems to be gone now too. I still get good days and bad days but even "bad" days are nothing compared to the fiending misery of being tethered to a drug that essentially ran my life. I sure don't miss that crap either.

OK, this next part is kinda weird. I guess I didn't realize how much long term narcotic use had ebbed my libido when I was still taking them. Now that I'm clean again my libido seems to be in overdrive. The wife was taken by surprise with it all and calls me "horn dog" now. I realize this may be a temporary condition while my body starts to again supply chemicals that were artificially provided before. My testosterone production was naturally slowing years ago so this desire to hop in the sack with my beautiful wife every chance I get may diminish over time. I hope not but I'm enjoying things while they last!

The PAWS isn't quite as bad as I was expecting. My emotions early in recovery were off the hook. I'd find myself crying at just about anything early on. No surprise cause I'd numbed my emotions out so much with narcotics, I coulda played an iceman. My emotions are back and the roller coaster has evened out tremendously but I still get teary eyed when I experience something that touches my heart. I dig feeling things again. It's like I'm a part of my life again and not just a piece of luggage buried in a cargo bay somewhere. The opies DO still talk to me on occasion though. I'm not gonna lie. I've still got pain issues that I must work through regularly and some days I do miss the numbness plain and simple. These are just thoughts though and so far they can't even come close to making the hell I just left behind seem worth it. I do find myself much more tolerant of my back pain since being off meds. No more opiate induced hyper-sensitivity. I didn't believe that when I first read it but the human body is indeed a resilient machine.

I was in a very bad place when I first came around here hence my screen name. I wasn't sure I'd be able to pull this off but I'm sure glad I finally tried. I also know that I'll probably never be out of the woods completely. Relapses with opiates are all too common so I'm not going to get overly confident. I live each day to the fullest again but I will never forget where I came from or how horrible my life had become on narcotics. Oh, I finally gave up on waiting to feel "normal" again. I'm probably close but after 10 years of supplementing my system with artificial sweetners, that may be a long time coming if at all. That's OK. I remember an old saying in the 80's..."why be normal?" My life is engaging and rewarding again. For that I am grateful. Good luck to everyone in this struggle for freedom.

soberlicious

LOL The rewards of your hard work are many...this not being the least of them. Rock on!

Beautiful thread. Thank you.

liv1ce

I thoroughly enjoyed the first form of this thread and was hoping you would expand on it again. I am glad you did as it is quite nice and engaging. It takes the words from my mouth and the feelings from my heart.

I still don't know what FMTT stands for.