FT

Dear GoingToChange:

Quit now for good before you run out of recoveries. I was addicted to oxycodone for 2 years, a nightmare that started with a torn left meniscus in my knee, 2 total knee replacement surgeries, and a complete hysterectomy. I quit pretty much cold turkey on December 15, 2010 (I went from 15 pills, to 8 pills, to 3 pills, to 1 pill over 4 days, then off - not much of a taper, but I was afraid of seizures).

I am 59 years old and this is my 3rd recovery, first from alcohol 25 years ago, injectable narcotics 10 years ago, and now oxycodone. I consider myself intelligent, so why did I do such stupid things? The second drug bout cost me my career and everything I owned.

I should have been shaken to my core when a friend and coworker died at age 42 from an accidental oxycontin/oxycodone/sleeping pill overdose, after a night of fighting with her 14 year old son. We think it was accidental, because she was devoted to that kid and he had no one but her. He found her dead in her bed the next morning. That was in 2007. I hope he does not follow in her drug footsteps, but I know the family, and I doubt he has much hope.

But instead of remembering this, I allowed myself, with the help of doctors only too willing to prescribe (of course, I eventually lied to them all and had multiple prescribers), to allow myself to become addicted. But then, I lied to myself, too, because I had "real pain." It took two years of this nonsense, with no reduction of my pain even while on pills, to realize I had become an addict, the drug was toxic and making me sick not better, and it was taking more and more of it to get the same feeling of wellness. And then, the feeling lasted a shorter time after each dose.

Enough of that, my whole story is on the thread "oxycodone withdrawal help".

I had all your symptoms and more. I remember them from withdrawal before. I never want to go through that again. During my 2nd "recovery", a seasoned NA member told me, "you never know how many recoveries you have in you." My friend and coworker obviously had none left in her and died young.

I don't know about you, and you don't say how old you are, but I don't think I do have another recovery in me. The withdrawal gets worse with age, and if I relapse I fear for trying to stop again. I can't believe how hard it was for me to stop this time.

At one month clean, I am finally regaining some of my energy, but sleep deprivation and restlessness still plagues me some nights. Still, I feel better now than I did when I was using. Not "good" yet, but better. As to the pain, the pills stopped helping it anyway, at least for prolonged periods. The pain doctors have tried me on different non-narcotic drugs, and none of them do much. The only thing that "helps" is opiates. I have severe arthritis, but I would rather be alert and be able to perform complex tasks that require abstract, clear thinking. Up until a month ago, my day was consumed by how many pills I had -- better count 'em again -- ration out my dose for the day, then steal from myself later in the day from the pills I had left to use at the end of my prescription. That would leave me short, and more than once I ran for an "emergency" visit for "dental pain" to the dentist, or "knee pain" to one of the doctors who hadn't prescribed in awhile. Somehow, I was able to keep up my dose, but it was WORK. I had time for nothing else. What a horrible lifestyle.

So I decided I must stop. I hope listening to stories like mine on this forum ring with you like they do with me. The stories vary, but the theme is common, the obsession, the irrational and embarrassing behavior.

I know the science behind all this, dopamine, seratonin, and all, and I know why some people get addicted and some do not. Each relapse commonly results in even higher use, which is why I think my NA friend warned me about the uncertainty that another recovery is even possible.

Keep writing her, and keep reading here. It has helped me a lot, and I try to help back.

Going2Change

Hello netsniper,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I know the feeling of waking up and taking a pill first thing in the morning. For the last year, it's been the only way I know how to function. I usually get up around 7:30am, immediately pop a pill, hop in the shower, get ready, then head out the door to work. It's a wonder I haven't lost my job. I'm not "out of it" at work or anything, my body and mind are so used to taking OxyContin that it's the only way for me to feel normal, no pain and be productive at work.

I'm still tapering down, still taking one a day. My plan is to cut them in half tomorrow and begin tapering that way. I have to head back to work tomorrow and I can make it until about 4:30pm and then I've got to have something in my system, otherwise...I'll be full blown into withdrawals. I'm so scared of them, that I'm considering an In-Patient Detox center, so I can get medically sedated for 7 days while I get this horrible medicine out of my body.

I can not believe doctors prescribe this stuff and they don't warn you about coming off it, or being addicted to them. As I said before, this medicine has worked wonders for the pain in my back, but it's robbing me of the enjoyment of my life, and I'm going to get that back, no matter what.

I've done C/T many times before and the withdrawals are so bad for me at this stage of my life, that I can't face them.

Any words of wisdom on In-Patient detoxing is much appreciated. I've never been to one, and I don't know if I should bother trying to file with Insurance and have this follow me for the rest of my life, or if I should pay out of network, or if I should even go in at all...Please help.

Going2Change

Hello failedtaper,

Thank you for your post. It means a lot. Thank you. It helps, when you told me what your NA friend said, I could almost hear him saying it as I read it. It's true. You never know how many recoveries you have in you, whew...I'm 39 years old.

I feel for you the way you tapered down. I've been there before and I know what the other side is like, so I'm, staying as diligent as I can to my tapering down plan, I'm down to five pills now and as I said before, I'm going to cut them in half for my daily dosage tomorrow.

I feel for you about seizures..Luckily I haven't had one of those before, but I can tell you I certainly felt like I was going to have a seizure throwing up in the shower one morning before work. I was on my knees throwing up and gasping for air. My stomach felt like it was going to come through my throat and out of my mouth. It was the last time I went C/T and that was around day six or seven.

This medicine sucks: it sucks the life out of you, it sucks coming off it, it sucks being on it...

FT

Going2Change:

What I say is from the heart. My prayers are with you that this be your last, but successful, recovery.

I don't have experience with the inpatient detox where you "sleep" for the withdrawal phase, but I have heard it is VERY expensive. I guess some people's insurance pays for it. The people who sell the service claim it to be extremely successful. I just don't know, and I didn't have the money or I would probably have done it.

Again, hang in there. Read the Desiderata. Listen to Ekhart Tolle's a New Earth. Peace be with you.

netsniper

Isnt it amazing that some small little pill makes us that crazy and have that bad of craving as soon as our eyes open? My mornings would be waking up, kissing my girlfriend, walking downstairs to have my morning cig/coffee and calling my guy to see if I could come over. And with my guy, he and I were best of friends so I literally could go over to his house whenever i needed anything LOL. And at the peak of my addiction, I was at his house multiple times during the day.

You and I share a very similar story. When I was taking my pills I HAD to take them to feel normal. I actually was better at work/daily life when I was on the pills as apposed to being sober. I never was spaced out or half asleep when I was taking my pills, I was alert and hard working and never had any issues when I was on them.

As far as in patient detox. Thats something youll have to decide on your own. I mean to be honest with you, especially since I have gone thru the withdrawals, I wouldnt wish that feeling on my worst enemy. Its horrible. Between the physical sickness and the emotions and the mental challenges, its almost worth it to just go detox and get it over with. That way you can move on and start a "normal" life that much quicker.

Going2Change

Thank you both for continuing to help and thanks for wishing me the best. It means a lot and please be honest. I appreciate that!

The in-patient detox is very pricey. There is a place in town that accepts my insurance, so I'm thinking it over, real hard. The only problem is they want you to stay for 30 days. I can't do that and still keep my job. I could do 7 day detox, and then out-patient stuff. There are also a few other places that don't file with Insurance and they are super pricey, but they do have 7 day detox.

Also, don't get me wrong..I don't want to take any narcotic, or any narcotic replacement, when this gets out of my system. Suboxone, etc..is very useful and I am not knocking it at all. It serves a very good purpose and helps a lot of people. I don't want to take any replacement, and try to maintain those doses, and dr. visits, etc.

Just tapering down, my body has gone into shock, from all the withdrawal symptoms, the pure misery and agony of aches and chills, fogginess in the brain..and, you're right...I wouldn't wish the WD's on my worst enemies. This medicine really is poison if that is what it does to your body coming off them..

Again, thank both of you for writing with me...

FT

Going2Change:
The withdrawals WILL pass. Your brain is shouting at you to give it back the toxic chemicals that create that fake feeling of "normal" which isn't really normal at all. If you require a toxic chemical to feel "normal", when does it stop. I used to look at all the people going about their business around me and wondered, "How do they do that without oxycodone?" What a CRAZY thought. Can you imagine -- EVERYONE requiring the use of oxycodone to function? Would you like your doctor to be functioning on oxycodone while making decisions about your health? Or operating on you? How about your bus driver -- would you like it if that person was on oxycodone to feel well enough to drive?

I used to have to plan my activities and where I was going to be according to how much oxycodone I had and when I knew it would wear off. What if it wore off when I was in the middle of a crucial procedure I couldn't step away from? (I'm a medical person)

This craziness has to end, and it ends either with you recovered and well, or with you on increasing doses until you die. Simply put.

In some screwed up way, the oxycodone has made me more able to help other people, because now I really understand addiction in a way I did not before.

HANG IN THERE! I'm over a month clean now, and I am thinking more clearly and feel better than I have in a couple of years, before this oxy thing started for me. I have found that my arthritis pain does not have to be COMPLETELY eliminated. I used to function with it before oxycodone using Motrin or Excedrin, and I didn't need to go a doctor every two weeks to get THOSE things. I feel SO free of the doctors now, just that is liberating.

This drug chains you -- to your doctors, to the pharmacies, or to your street source -- drains your money, your time, your youth. NOT worth it. It's just hard to believe those things when the drug is talking in your ear. Just try to remember when you are going through withdrawal, it is the TOXICITY of the drug that is causing you to feel this way. You have been made SICK by the drug, and you must give your body a CHANCE to heal. It WILL HEAL given time.

The withdrawals will be over in a week or so, and then you will be on the path to staying sober. Don't go to the places you got your drugs -- change doctors if you have to. I stopped seeing the doctor that was giving me the drugs in the end, because I knew he would give me more if I asked for them.

So, withdrawals now and get it overwith? Or, withdrawals later. Which one do you want. Later eventually comes, and you will have wasted away your precious health and your precious time.

Again, peace be with you. Read the Deseridata (Google it). Read Ekhart Tolle's "A New Earth", or better still listen to him read it on audiotape. It is very soothing when you can't sleep.

Going2Change

failedtaper:

Thank you! You know, today was the first day, when the chills started coming, my heart started thumping, forget about the bowel movements and stomach cramps, today was the first day, I felt excited to be getting clear headed and living life. I was tired, but I was excited. Thank you for your support. I was thinking last night, you have been clean for a month now, very good for you! I am happy, proud and excited for you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm slowly making my way to it.

Just a bit more on tapering, today I cut my dose in half, and tomorrow, I'm going to cut that dose in half to see what my body does. I've only got 3 1/2 pills left since I cut the 4th one in 1/2 today. They are not perfect cuts, so I estimated I took a dose of 18mgs again I was up taking 180-240mgs a day. So I've got my dose by 100mgs, crazy!!! That's exciting. If I can successfully taper off in the next day or two, how nice would it be to flush my last pill down the toilet?

I have to say tapering for me has been a million times better than CT. Just mentioning those words, makes me cringe. I like what you said about it will either be now, or later, truth is every time I come off this stuff, I say that to myself. This time, I'm done. As I said, the medicine has robbed me of so many things and yes indeed, I will have to stop seeing my pain doctor. Even thinking about that, the addict voice in my head said, "no, no it's okay, go to the pain dr., get another 90 60mg pills of oxycontin and don't take them, keep them for emergency," but you know what...? I'd be right the F#ck back where I started. So, screw you Addict Voice! No.

On a positive note: I've been hitting the gym everyday, while this is going on, sitting in the sauna for 30 minutes, running on the elliptical glider for 30 mins, hanging on the inversion table for 15 minutes, trying to work through the pain, aches and chills. On the second or third day I started this, a lady on the stationary bike next to me was watching a Dog Trick/trainer Show on ESPN2 or something and I couldn't stop tearing up, crying. That has since gotten a lot better but it's absolutely crazy how this stuff robs your emotions. Everything's okay as long as you got your medicine. And yes, you're first paragraph was a stark realization, the bus driver...I take the bus too and from work, everyday and it's packed with people...

Thanks again and I can't believe it's been a month for you!

FT

Hey. You're doing it. GOOD for you. Maybe it would help if you kept a journal of your symptoms on a daily basis, so you could go back and read your progress. And maybe that would be a deterrant for you if you are tempted to relapse.

You CAN do this. I'm with ya. I check in on here every day I can, so I'll be here waiting for you, to support you.

Going2Change

failedtaper:

I went to bed an hour ago but my mind is racing, can't sleep, thinking about everything in the world, I can possibly think of, but getting more pills is not one of them. I can only wonder what it's like to be a month sober. I've been there before, but it's been about a year since.

It's crazy when you think about the amount of pills a month you ingest. You said you were taking something like 300 pills a month, at the most for me was 120 but still that's way too much. My previous pain dr prescribed me, 60mgs of OxyContin 4 x a day, there is no way in hell I ever needed to take that much, even 90 is still a lot.

Over the past 6 months or more, I'd gained almost 30 pounds too. I've already dropped 10 pounds since I started this taper. That is how much water and waste my body held because of this medicine. This is gross and I'll apologize ahead of time, but when I'm not taking this stuff I usually have two solid BM's a day, sometimes more, point is: I have a fast metabolism, but when I take this stuff, I have maybe one BM every 4 days. That is how much it slows down my system. Needless to say, I've had my share of recently.

Anyway, I had to get out of bed because I can't sleep. I thought about keeping a journal, and then I thought about this place, and I think this is better for me, a place to vent, write, connect and vent some more...

How are you doing? I read all your posts over the past month...Are you feeling better? How did you tell your dr. that you didn't want any more medicine? You said you chart was flagged for allergic reaction. Is that what they can do for you? I may have to go that route, if I ever see the pain dr. again...

thanks again to everyone who takes part here...and thanks again to you failedtaper...I wish you continued good health and success. You never said how your physical went?

Impurrfect

((((Joe)))) where ARE you, sweetie?

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

FT

Hi Going2Change:
Yes, I was taking multiple prescriptions from different doctors, and I was filling them at different pharmacies. My whole existence was juggling my pill sources, counting pills, etc.

I'm so sorry for you with your sleep and gut problems. Those were the worst for me, too. I can finally say, that just AFTER the one month mark, my guts are finally working like they are supposed to.

Here's some scientific info that may help you get through this: opiates slow down your gut, which changes your entire digestive tract. Most people get hard poop, intermittently with mucus and sometimes blood (sorry in advance, too, here), and some people can get so backed up that their colon is permanently damaged. Because you aren't excreting water through your digestive tract the way you are supposed to, water retention is common, and you can get puffy. You may bruise more easily, and your skin doesn't have the normal "glow" when you are using at high doses. Addicts usually don't look very healthy after awhile. So this is why your gut needs some time to readjust when you start depriving your body of your drug.

The other big piece is the brain chemicals. Opiates flood the brain with dopamine, which creates the pleasure or sense of well being. Since the brain isn't used that that, it makes extra receptors to accommodate the rush. Over time, the receptor sites are tremendously increased, and your brain requires more and more of the drug to fill them. That is why most users need to keep increasing their dose, eventually just to feel "normal".

When you taper or stop the opiates (or alcohol, or whatever your drug is), you brain notices right away. It demands that you put back what you are not giving it, and you get brain symptoms like racing thoughts, not being able to sleep, irrational thoughts that you MUST use or something REALLY bad is going to happen next, headaches may happen, and really high volume users may even have a seizure. One guy wrote in here that he couldn't stop stupid music tunes from playing in his head.

On with the brain chemical thing, because your dopamine receptor sites are not being stimulated, you don't feel "well," you have no motivation, no energy, just feel like crap. The thing is, your body is still making its own dopamine, but not at the artificially high levels the drug got it used to.

What happens next, is your body needs time to readjust. Those extra dopamine sites will stay there, just waiting for you to give it more drug. That's why when people relapse, they go right back up to the high doses they were used to, because the receptors sites never go away. During recovery, your brain needs to relearn that the pleasure center can still be stimulated using its own resources. You have damaged your brain by using opiates or other drugs, but the brain is pretty resilient if you haven't toxed yourself out to the point of death. Harsh reality is, some people do. Opiates depress the respiratory center in the brain, and nobody knows for a given individual what the saturation point is that will stop you from breathing in your sleep. That happened to my friend and co-worker that I wrote about in another post.

After all that bad news, the good news is that your body CAN heal itself, you haven't hurt your brain's ability to make its own dopamine, and you WILL feel pleasure again. I can finally say, after a month clean, I am just now feeling my old energy return and actually feel pretty good most of the time. I still have trouble sleeping, and I still get the restless body, restless legs thing right when I need to get to sleep. Even that seems to be improving.

I no longer wake up reaching for my first dose of oxy in the morning in order to get functional. That was the part of recovery I was most fearful of. At the end of my using, when my dose was highest, I was waking up earlier and earlier in the morning in a cold sweat, needing my first oxy dose. It got to where I was getting up at 4 or 5 in the morning, taking oxy, and sitting at my computer in the dark so I wouldn't wake my husband up. Of course, I lied to him and told him I just did my best work real early in the morning. The truth was, I was waking up sick from the drug, and had to feed my addiction instantly as soon as I got up. It took about an hour for that first dose to kick in. Then, of course, my day. Geez, what a way to live.

Anyway, I was the most fearful of the first morning sweats, and the late at night getting to sleep. After I realized I wasn't going to have a seizure, I relaxed a little and just allowed myself to suffer through feeling like crap most of the day, counting the days to when I thought I would start to feel better.

I was very disappointed I did not feel better at 1 week out. At 2 weeks out, I started having a few "good" days, but most still were plagued with total fatigue and feeling like I had the flu, stomach cramps, on the toilet constantly, sore rear end.

I too suffered with the racing thoughts at night because I just could not sleep at first. I am just now learning to lie down without a drug to knock me out, remembering that for most of my life when it was time for bed, I would lie down and let sleep take me. I didn't expect to be knocked out artificially.

I feel so much better now than I have for a long time. I can now walk briskly and feel good doing it. I breathe in the fresh air. I am thinking clearly. I no longer have an appointment with my pain doctor every two weeks to refill my drugs, and I no longer run to dentists and other doctors with "acute pain" that I need fixed. I have arthritis, but so what? My knees hurt, but so what? Lots of people's knees hurt and they don't take opiates.

I no longer look at others and wonder how they get through life without drugs. I am doing it. I still have my triggers, and they are hard to get through. I used to down my afternoon dose with a Full Throttle, and it tasted so good -- I guess it broke down the pills more quickly and gave me a rush of pleasure. I miss that feeling. Having said that, "that feeling" was becoming more and more fleeting and short lived when I did get it. That's why my use got so high. If I had not stopped, I know I would be at even higher doses now.

Oh yeah, my physical! My liver tests were thankfully normal, and so was my kidney function. My cholesterol was way high, and my blood pressure was too high, even though I was, and am, taking BP pills and cholesterol pills. I am due to have those things rechecked in a few weeks. My doctor knows what I was doing, because when I came clean to my husband, I decided I'd better tell the doctor so she would know how to assess me.

I'm thinking about you, how you are doing, and I want you to succeed at this. I really didn't think I was going to be able to stop oxys. I really didn't. My addict brain had me convinced that I could make a lifestyle out of it. I was so scared. I felt like crap, but it didn't kill me. And NOW, I have the chance to get normal again. You will, too. I hope you are still hanging in there.

If you can't sleep tonight, racing thoughts, get up. Walk around. Drink some chamomile tea. Take a hot bath. Just remember that you feel that way because your brain is not yet gained a new equilibrium. But it will. This stuff is going to go away.

Going2Change

Thank you, thank you, thank you, failed taper..

Today is already a crazy day. Yesterday was worse, but I stayed at work as long as I possibly could before coming home. I felt good yesterday, lots of energy, but the chills were bad for sure, and I was constantly in the bathroom, on the toilet.

But I am doing it, although I will tell you right now, I want to take some..I'm battling my addict voice, my brain has been so altered by this poisonous pill that it's still wanting it, I know this will change, then start to come and go...but I'm doing it. That's all I can say.

Now that my body is getting used to taking so little, I feel foggy just off the littlest amount and don't know how I functioned before.

I'm still here, still doing it. Today is a full week of tapering. I started last Friday by taking one whole pill, then by Tuesday I was down to 1/2, and today I'm doing 1/2 that.

I have to say, if you have the will power, to taper, it's been a million times better than any C/T I've ever gone through. The last time almost killed me. That is why I did it this way. I still don't know what it's like to have Zero in my system, but I will certainly know soon enough.

Going2Change

FT

Hi Going2Change,

I'm glad you looked in on my post last night. I hope you are trucking along ok. Today is 5 weeks clean for me. Seems like a year since I last used. It's starting to feel like that "user life" was not me, but somebody else. Still battling the triggers, but I recognize them now.

Check in here and there so we all know how you are. Lots of people read this forum, and your experiences help them even if they don't post.

I just hope my rants don't hit on deaf ears. There is so much "physical science" associated with addiction, I just think it helps people if they understand the neurobiology behind their withdrawal.

Going2Change

5 Weeks, Holy Cow! Yes! That is awesome.

I check in as much as I can, and I will continue to post. I will say there was one night this week, had I wanted to "force the issue" I would have gone straight to the john and puked my guts out. I just didn't want to go that route, all it is, is a simple walk to the bathroom to know you're going to throw up soon, and that's enough to make one vomit, or stick my finger down my throat, or just dry heave..

I sweat a lot in my sleep the last week. My sheets are getting washed today..There were 3 nights solid where I woke up in between wet, sticky sheets, from sweating this nightmare, poison out of my system.

And I'll be honest, these are the symptoms I had/have: However, they have gotten less and less and the week passes on.

1. Bowel Movements
2. Stomach Cramps
3. Blurry Vision
4. Chills
5. Sweats
6. Body aches and pains
7. Foggy Brain
8. Hard to sleep and fall asleep
9. Battling Addictive Voice

The just hit the repeat button and do it all over again....

FT

I had all of those symptoms all the way up through the 3rd week, but by then they became more sporadic and less intense. It has only been the past 2 weeks that I really am starting to find my "new normal." I woke up one day and felt good. Whoa. What a new feeling. But, hey, I used to feel good off drugs a long time ago. So what's new about that.

Your symptoms are indeed the toxins leaving your body. Drink as much water as you can. If you like green tea, have some of that every day. Drink a gulp of pomegranite juice every day, it detoxifies, and it is an antioxidant. Get the pure stuff. The cold sweats that were waking me up every morning were horrible. Those are gone now, and I think they went through the second week off oxys.

Good for you on your taper. I just couldn't do it. Maybe I could have if I had someone holding my pills for me. I'm glad you have willpower, and I guess maybe I do, too. I have often wished I were just real religious so I could use faith to help me. But I can't seem to do that, so I read the Deseridata poem, and Ekhart Tolle, and think about how we are but a speck in this wide universe.

Keep on going!

Going2Change

I'm hanging on and doing okay...ain't gonna lie, kickin' this is certainly no easy task. Hopefully this will be your's and mine last time kicking. What I've found here is strength in is numbers...and solely at this site there are so many people who are going through what I'm going through or they already have.

It's funny how we have a lot of the same stories, obviously different too because we are human after all, and being human is what got us here in the first place. Not only do we have to fight the pain, the WD's, but the voices, the moments of weakness, will we break or move on? Me, I'm movin' on.

I basically took dust of a pill today. Tomorrow I'm contemplating finally stopping. I've got 2 and 3/4 pills left and I'd just as soon flush them, if I can. I'll be back to let you know.

There are some people here, who I've read say, a lot of these folks, like me, are newbies and we won't be here long, but that's just one person's opinion, why put out the negativity and instead actually help people.

Before I joined here, I certainly came here for inspiration, hope, insight, support. I've been a visitor here on and off a lot over the last year and 1/2. And this time I finally decided to join, throw my towel in the ring, and give up and recognize my weakness.

I feel for all of you doing this in a relationship. This ruined my last one. I couldn't have done it, without my will power, without the people's stories and struggles on this site and without living alone. No way I could do this with anyone around. I was in such a horrible relationship that it drove me to using. It was the only thing that kept me sane, calm, cool and collected..right...and zoned out, spaced, out, and not physically, emotionally there anymore...I detached so much. I wanted to be numb in the face of this woman. She was mean, no joke. Not just about drugs, but about me, everything about me. I wasn't using when we started dating and we lived together for almost 3 years. It's crazy how we can hide our drug use from people, our partners. But when they finally know the signs, then they know when you're using. Check the eyes...pin drops...oh yeah you're on something..no, not me..lie lie lie that is all taking this does, is make you lie to yourself and to everyone.

Sorry I'm ranting, I just can't believe I've been so hooked on this stupid stuff..for being so weak that my life and every waking moment revolved around taking it and getting it. I'm just like all the others, before I ever finally saw a pain dr. I went to every emergy-care and hopped from dr. to dentist to dr. to get this...that stopped 3 years ago or so, thank God. But when I finally saw a pain dr. I rationalized that it was okay, because he was giving it to me every month as long as I don't take them all before the monthly allotment is up....oopppss I got one more and two weeks left before I go back for a visit...how many of you have been there? I've been there many times....

However, I've been wanting to stop this for so long, I've been thinking and planning and when the New Year came round. I stuck to three of my resolutions and this was the fourth. I didn't think I would come this far...ever..This month I told myself it was over, and to start making plans for it. Get ready for it...and I did.

Please share your story....I sure could stand to hear from everybody...

FT

Going2Change:

If people have been on this forum a long time, they either need the group support, they keep relapsing, or they like to help other people. There are probably other reasons I haven't thought of. I've only been here a month, and I turned here because I desperately needed to know that quitting oxy has been successful by someone besides me. I really could not imagine my life without it.

No amount of nagging, yelling, calling you an addict, or other ugly scenarios will make you stop. People who stop for reasons other than that THEY THEMSELVES have made the decision to do so, are probably likely to relapse more easily.

My taper failed (hence my name) because of the multiple times I convinced myself, and lied to my husband, that I was indeed tapering off. Then, suddenly I would have more than a week to go with only a couple of pills left and have to find more doctors to prescribe until my regular one would see me.

Yes, I too hope other people will chime in and not just read. Let us know if what we are saying is helpful or not. Some people do successfully taper off, as you are doing.

You are doing so well right now, you are not so likely to have the gigantic symptoms of cold turkey. The couple of times I actually got down to 3 pills a day for a week, during that whole week I started having withdrawal symptoms, even while taking the three pills spread out throughout the day.

So, expect to have withdrawals and be happily surprised if they are less than you expected.

I feel pretty good this morning. Slept okay. It rains so much here in the NW I don't know if I'll get outside to walk today, but exercise seems to help.

Going2Change

FailedTaper,

Guess what? It's now 8:38pm and I haven't taken anything. Normally by 3pm or 5pm I'd be taking a 1/4th of a pill, just to ease the withdrawals, but as you and I know, it's been a week of me tapering from one pill a day, to 1/2 a pill, 1/4 pill and today nothing. I hoped this would happen. I can honestly say this has been 100 times better than CT, but I would be lying if I said this was easy. It's not. I haven't made it through the day yet, and I've been battling the voice, but it's been 28 hours since I took 1/4 pill yesterday. Yeah for me...and yeah for you, over a month sober now. I hope you were able to get outside and walk, I did just a while ago. It helped. It felt nice. Right now, I'm sober.

Let's see, what positive light can I shed? Well, all I can think of is what's helped me get through this is to push through, to go to the gym and sweat, to work, to taper, take hot baths, sit in the sauna. I've shared my symptoms of WD's above and there is no getting around them. Believe me and everyone else here, you want to die, your brain hurts, you're foggy, both lobes of your brain feel separated, but each day, whether you taper or go CT, they come together, they start working. It helps to read up and understand that part of what the pills have done to the chemistry of your brain, as FailedTaper has written some about above.

Just know it gets better, you get better, things don't get better, life doesn't get easier, but you become more equipped to face life honestly, second by second, minute by minute and to fully embrace reality.

That's all I got for now, I'm sure I'll be back when I can't sleep, or when I'm sweating and turning in my sleep. I'll be wondering about FailedTaper, NetSniper, TiredofDrugs, and everyone else who's going through this now, or if you come here later, may our love, support and struggle be an example for you.

FT

Going2Change:

It was GREAT to hear from you. Everyone reading this thread should look to what you are doing and gain some strength in the knowledge that oxy CAN be kicked to the curb. There is more than one way to do this, folks. Here is one great guy that has tapped his inner strength, but at the same time allowing others' experiences to bolster his ability to move forward in recovery.

Cheers for you, dude.

As for me, Going2Change is absolutely correct in saying that the world does not change just because you are getting clean. You are the one who is changing, and your coping skills are ultimately NOT helped by drugs, they are weakened. Your reputation, except among other users, is NOT helped by drugs, it is damaged. How many users can truthfully state they would happy for the world to know they require oxys to function?

Let's face it folks, if we are using, we are doing it covertly. If not "legally" by the use of prescriptions that are valid, then illegally. Either way, we hide our addiction and we lie about it. While you are in "the life", your addict brain will give you every reason why that is okay. "I need this drug or I am in too much pain to work." Or whatever.

If this is true for some, then they should not be in positions of authority or in positions that others rely on them for their safety, or for important decisions. I had no business being on this drug, and in fact was not working in my usual profession while I was on it. One of the things that helped me make the decision to stop, as if being TOXIC were not enough, was that I knew I could not be on oxys and give responsible care to people who trusted me.

I'll stop my rant here. I am proud of Going2Change. Keep going, dude. You ARE doing it.