peanut44

I'm still tapering. Hit a stumbling block once or twice but still going at it. I'm skipping days now and with only 3 little pills left, it's getting really real.
Having some minor memory problems. Usually I'm pretty quick with recall. The physical pains that got me into the doctor to begin with are cropping up full force. Neck pain and hip pain. Hopefully these will subside as my body adjusts!

Sleeping ok. I'm mildly depressed and honestly it's because it's been so long since I've felt"normal" without chemicals that I don't know what it feels like.
What I don't like is using dreams. Had one right before I woke up this morning and woke up pretty upset and pretty much could not shake it for most of the day.

I mean, I know it's a dream but it's just riddled with guilt. It always involves my mom and step dad. My mom looking down on me and my step dad in control of the pills. We shared for awhile some years back. It's just this terrible feeling of failure, guilt and weakness. Again I know it's a dream but WOW! Pretty intense stuff!
Anyone else have them?

Dee74

I think they're pretty common. Are they new to you Peanut?

D

peanut44

I've had a few in the past and they always make me feel the same way. They always involve the same people. (I come from a VERY dysfunctional family). Counting pills, hiding pills, running out of pills.

Maybe the guilt comes from how much time out of my life I've given to addiction. A sad thought really.

I want to fix this. I want life to be good without chemicals.

Marcus

Using dreams are very common. Mine usually involve trying to get high, but not being able to. Running around trying to pick up drugs - friends or family members pop in there quite a bit. Sometimes have the drugs, but not being able to use them for some reason. Usually do wake up from those in a panic thinking what did I do.

I am not sure if you are getting any other outside support besides this site, but I highly recommend it. It can make a world of difference. Someone to talk to face to face about it. Meetings are obviously the easiest and cheapest way. It is hard not to go into a meeting and project what you think is going to happen OR start picking things apart telling yourself why this will not work. No it does not work for everyone, but if you find the right people / right meeting it can be a huge help. Otherwise maybe just an addiction therapist for some one on one.

This site is great and I check it pretty much daily, but in the end I need a bit more. Face to face support and the ability to find a meeting before / after work helps keep my crazy head screwed on straight. Keep up the good work!

sorb

I've had a couple recently too. One I was on a train trying to shoot dope (which I've never done in real life) but couldn't get a vein. Felt like I was sitting on that train for a couple hours trying. I was very glad when I woke up.

Another one I actually snorted some blues (30mg oxycodone). I woke up and felt like I had withdrawals all day.

Hope you're doing good and staying strong, peanut.

peanut44

Exactly! You wakeup feeling like you blew it!
Meetings are a huge problem for me right now. The ones i used to go to are out of the question and my job is VERY public. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm sure i could use the extra help.
I went to meetings for awhile in the past and twice, while at work, 2 different sets of people came in and very loudly "hey, you're in AA ". I can not have that where i work.
I'll figure something out because i do feel very alone with this.